we were in his car
an old red jaguar, not as fancy as it sounds
i don't remember where we were going
because we're always going somewhere

he said to me
"is it weird that i had a dream
about me and you in the future?"

& i froze, unsure how to respond
so i just waited

he glanced from the road to me
"you know, like... together."

the asphalt purred under us

i said "no. no it's not weird."

i breathed ice

he said, "i'm not sure
if i'm going to be gay forever."

he always says this
when he doesn't have to look at me

i said "it's okay, i know.
i know you're confused, right?"
i'm confused too, but i didn't say that

we turned onto the highway
he flicked red ashes out of the window

he said "i hate that word."

& we drove onward
in the dark with the radio loud

i think i love him
i'm going to puke

jkdhfgu ieoruio tyeuribxvb
jshguiw
afyjksnfs;
sfw k wufuwsj kvhsns
jkasklj hwiofhfj

k gjk dghkjsh rgerug jkfgfjv

bdfgbsjkg
bsjk vnskjf  uiwt ywuir
iwefs df bsdjkfhs rfgsdjk ghsdjfwe i otywr
t y jkghsd jkf wof hweuifh s djkfsd;
fj klsdhge

jksdrhgeryji srjktherj  sdkjgheurt e
lejrhuye
jkeryh  dkrth eriot errwe
n dio
ioeruihdr?

breath hot moist
pungent
rotten meat
rot, gristle
blood in his teeth
****, ****
he's after me

he sniffed her out
she fell for his charm
she fell into his bed
too fast
too fast
passion
or frenzy?

over & over
again & again
he pinned her down
red ribbons,
red dress on the floor

it wasn't sweet
it wasn't sweet
my, what big
teeth you have
what big marks they leave

the sun rose
the moon set
he slept fitfully

bruised, ****** & sore,
she waited

finally he woke &
crunch,
munch
he ate her for lunch

he is hard
smooth
a polished stone
unbroken
solid
undisturbed
rooted firmly in the mud
& i am the soft moss
around him
wet & sweet
growing on him

foreign yet familiar
the decadence
textures
intensity; heat
this fantasy
it's so real to me
too real
i feel drunk
he is intoxicating

itchy sticky
sweaty
fear
panic red
then salty tears

it's already raining hard &
my umbrella already broke &
i'm already soaked to the bone &
my shoes are already ruined so
why do i keep trying so
hard not to trip &

land in a puddle?

i guess resistance is futile

show me your teeth
sweetie
bruise me
is it bad
that i want
to lick your wounds
but i want you to wound me?

you'll never know
how many fantasies i've had about you



thigh to thigh

your aura makes me wet

i
will
be
scorched,
the flames will lick me loud
then slowly
turn to red embers
then even slower to coal

i want to crawl inside your skin
& live next to your heart

i want to be your fantasy &
i want to bleed into your reality
like ink droplets in water
blossoming

i want your scent to
overwhelm my nose
i want to lock away the memory of your
sweat & aftershave,
your sweet smoke & musk

lipstick on your fingertips
i left my mark

a ****** flower blooms under my skin
you left yours too

i can be your lover
or i can be your fighter
i can bring you down or
i can make you lighter

i can be your ******
or i can be your *****
i could give you everything
or i could leave you wanting more

i can be your strength
or i can be your weakness
i can be your Bellona
or i could be your Venus

.
.
i want to pull you apart in sections like an overripe orange
and lick all the juice off of your skin
.

why are the eyes in the mirror
so unfamiliar
i'm supposed to see my soul there

oxytocin serotonin rhythm rhythmatic
a dopamine drip like a metronome tick
endorphins crash like waves

~ rest ~

epinephrine more like norepinephrine
neuropeptides simmer down &
monoamines die like flies

a train on its tracks
shake the bones of your house
abruptly reminding you how utterly squishable you are &
how the industrial
rust & metal surrounding you is
unyielding

like a flower blooming
petals uncurling
exposing their silk & velvet insides
vulnerability wet like nectar
waiting for killer bees
who don't want the sweet sap
just the thrill of destruction

i am so confused and mixed up like
an egg beater beaten egg
my shell is cracked
& my brain oozes run on sentences now like
a punctured yolk &
it's trying to tell me something it doesn't know
so it sends me fragmented images
& strings of words like
beads on a broken necklace falling

tonight my mind is like
the vacuum of outer space
black black
& devoid of life
but full of infinite possibilities

if i swallow the
lies or
the truth or
the pills

will they fix me or
protect me or
or ruin me?

charcoal
oxblood
poppy
pomegranate
maroon
cranberry
cherry
creams­icle
orange soda
saffron
lemon
egg yolk
buttermilk
sunflower
olive
forest
lime
mint
ice
blueberry
royal blue
navy
bubblegum
fuschia
salmon
grape
lavender
wine
chocolate
espresso

ANXIETY

why is this the only thing i can think (feel) now?
please make my words come naturally again

"blood
dark
tongue
***
****
bones
eyes
teeth"

my favorite words are swimming in my brain
& refuse to coagulate

they stick like glue to the roof of my mouth
& i can't seem to spit them out
flashes of nonsense recycled:

"BROKEN TEETH
secondhand smoke
i wAnt tO BREAK you
weightless in the dark"

my own fragmented reality
protecting my soft underbelly

anxiety breeds cowardice
or maybe they are just synonyms

either way all I can think (feel) is
*******

i'm filled with the dull ache & cautious optimism of desire
my belly, usually home to skittish swarms of beetles,
is now a butterfly habitat

suddenly my bed is so lonely &
my skin so untouched...
hazy dreams
of clothes tossed carelessly aside,
the weight of your body on mine

then afterwards
when our limbs tangled together like vines
& our sleepy words hung weightless in the dark
i imagine there would be a stillness inside me,
like calm waters where there used to be a hurricane

i see beauty in the terrible &
i see perfect harmony in ugliness
shock pain destruction ruin,
the truth: the above is more whole and juicy between the teeth
than years of singing sparrows

& i see the perverted beauty in damage
- wreckage & shrapnel -
broken cracked stained objects
have their own crooked appeal

i lust for bruises, broken hearts, broken bones, addicted tongues
for the red eyes born of insomnia, sorrow, substance abuse
i want the literal & metaphorical dirt under your fingernails  
there's a sick sweetness in awful secrets
but factory fresh is bland & tasteless

i feel like i'm on the cusp of... something
just waiting for my stars to align
there's a hot buildup
tension in my tendons
my hands itch

loyal like a dog, they said about him
loyal to the bone, he'll stand up for you
but you just beat him down & you broke his heart
so for how long can you kick a dog
until he bites?

dark eyes rimmed red
cigarette burns on his sleeve
the smell of the city lingering in his hair
he drops his jacket to the floor
& falls asleep cradling a bottle of whiskey

you are the scream in my throat
you are the reason i grind my teeth in my sleep
you make me feel like i drank hard liquor with a helium chaser
i crave you like no other

with a kiss i could absorb your soul
& with a touch you could heal me

he is dangerous now
because he was wounded so deeply
that it broke his teeth
but he has to snap & bite anyway
never a moment's peace for him

his tragedy has made him volatile
like a chemical fire
nothing can soothe him now
& nothing can douse the flames
so he will burn himself to the ground


& with his last breath he will laugh

he will enjoy his pain
because he thinks he deserves it
& eventually it will **** him
it's just a waiting game now

your smoke stings my eyes
but you can't stop burning
& so i can't close my eyes

last night i woke up cold
adrenaline like nicotine in my blood
the dream itself was black and empty,
heavy like ice water,
& i was there alone
w a i l i n g  : brokenhearted

anger chokes me
it festers in my throat
& burns my tongue

happiness is like a golden apple between my teeth
oh so rare & oh so sweet

you taste rich like german chocolate cake
the scent of you : sweet sweat & secondhand smoke
your breath hot against my neck

i want to cry but i won't

like an injection between your toes
she's the highest rush when she's there
& the most sickening pain when she's gone

drink my blood
eat my heart
swallow my tongue
crack my bones & **** out the marrow
i have enough to go around

cavernous mouths howling & snapping
flat wide tongues flapping
razor teeth glint in the moonlight
eyes yellow like the sun
their breath heavy & hot
a scent like dead leaves & musk
claws snick the pavement  
they surround us as we fall under their spell
content to be devoured

her mouth opens
silent scream
her hands clutch her heart
so uselessly
salty tears curl around her cheeks
drip on her tongue
everything sounds like tv static
her lungs are in a panic

nausea ad nauseum
my guts twist & burn
just cut them out & let them steam on the floor
i don't have time for this

i want

i want to break everything
to throw it out the window & set it ablaze
i want to

****
i want to break you

cukf
w tnoa oe iytba rok

break
i want to *******

with unspeakable words like stones in my mouth
i sink to the bottom & drown

i have nightmares like shattering glass
my thoughts are poetry that i can't chase down
i bleed black ink instead of blood
i cry hot wax
i smell like twisted *** dreams
my ribs crush my heart into diamonds
& my saliva drips like silk threads

a crunch
a wet thud & then the slap of skin against pavement
broken cartilage
fractured bones
a valley opens
a dam bursts
thick black blood pools on the cement

his palms are wide and his fingers square
his skin is so pale that you can see veins pumping blue underneath
& it makes the red torn skin on his knuckles stand out that much more

her eyes look small and watery red
now without the thick black eyeliner and false lashes
she seems so naked