I wrote to you last, talking about the day,
that your spirit slipped away.
As those moments, drag on in my mind,
I lose all comprehension of time.

Recalling the chaos of hurried souls,
as they seem to dance around you.
The curtains closed, but they did not stop,
and the sound of their voices grew.

His voice delivering words, I begged to hear,
and the curtains were drawn open.
Devastation has surrounded us all,
as we watch, praying and hoping.

Your body has become so frail,
and the violent jerks look painful.
I hear his screams telling them to stop,
only to save your life, they are unable.

In these moments I am fully aware,
of what transpires around me.
A gripping weight pulling on my back,
hearing my mother scream and plea.

Both of my sisters' pain echoing,
as their cries fill and drown the halls.
I stand there like a statue - unmoving,
waiting for the outcome of it all.

There are fifteen people in the room,
and ten more, outside your door.
They have done what they can,
to give us a few minutes more.

They tell us, that this is it - the end,
and to say our final goodbyes.
I am the first to rush into the room,
and be next to you by your side.

I don't know how conscious you are,
since your soul was ready to leave.
Whispering in your ear "I love you",
and "it's okay, go home and be free".

Embracing you as if roles reversed,
I smooth your hair, so lovingly.
Knowing that any second could be the last,
until you depart this world completely.

Scrutinizing your face, for every detail,
while you take each laboured breath.
Watching you slip away from the light,
and pass slowly into your death.

Then the dreaded moment arrives,
and your soul has now departed.
My blanket of strength is gone,
and I am left broken hearted.

Through all that happened that day,
I am haunted by the uncertainty.
Not by the efforts made to save you,
but by now knowing absolutely.

When I told you I love you -
did you know it was me saying it?
When you said I love you back -
did you know it was me you said it to?

You may see my lips smile,
never reaching my eyes.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may hear my laugh,
never reaching my heart.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may witness a moment,
never knowing it's depth.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't see me crying,
always keeping it hidden.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't hear the pain,
always buried deep inside.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't witness my grief,
always alone with the weight.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You might know that I've lost,
but not what it means to me.
You might know that I'm broken,
but not what it means for me.

You might have an understanding,
but they will never be compared.
You might be in the same boat,
but not in the same seat as myself.

We may walk the same path,
or travel along the same river.
This does not mean we are the same,
You are you and I am me.

This is okay!

Our healing journey is unique,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our days will look different,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

Our struggles will vary,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our self-compassion differs,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

You will only see a fraction -
the parts that I wish to share,
the rest is my own burden,
mending my hearts biggest tear.

In the midst of the changes,
a new season approaches,
surrounded by the leaves,
that are pulled from the trees.

By the weight of gravity,
or the wind that blows,
their colours are changing,
their placement rearranging.

With every leaf that falls,
I think of you; each one a memory,
and as they hit the ground- a thought,
every one of yours is now lost.

The stories you would tell,
with fondness in your voice,
never to be heard by you,
since those days are through.

Buried deep in mother earth,
lay treasures never shared,
taken upon your depart,
also leaving with my heart.

I know you are still here,
even though I don't see you,
but it will never be the same,
when someone says your name.

A part of me died that day,
when you left this world,
my soul was shattered,
pieces broken and tattered.

The love you gave to me,
never fades with passing days,
I promise to share that love,
until the day we meet above.

Donnie Smyth,

If you were sitting next to me, sharing this view, so early in the morning, I would sit and talk with you.

We would catch up on each other’s lives, since it’s been too long. I would say…
“ I didn’t know you liked motorcycles.”
And smile at your excitement while you talk about it.

I would then tell you just how dangerous they are and of course to be careful. Expressing my concern for your safety.

This makes me want to cry.
Knowing that you would probably roll your eyes at me and brush it off laughing. But then again, I can’t say for sure. It’s been so long since the way we were friends as kids. I miss you Donnie.

I would go on to ask how things are in your life.
“How is your mom and brother doing? How is work going for you these days? Is there a special lady in your life? Where abouts are you staying – is it a nice place? Do you like it?”
I would listen to all your answers, hoping that each response is filled with happiness. Sharing your joy for all the blessings you have, and the blessings you give to others.

Together we would sit, facing the city line and watch the crows gather together in numbers that are rarely seen. Only this early in the morning, in the right spot, can we watch this and chat. Marveling at the wonders of life, all while facing it’s challenges every day.

What an odd feeling – so conflicting…
Here we sit, together, watching the day dawn and it’s beautiful but I am still sad. Because you sit here with me in spirit, but there is still a feeling of absence.

My dear friend Donnie, I miss those days when we were kids. I will cherish those memories for as long as I live and the friendship we shared. You felt like a brother in some ways, and I know you were as genuine as my own brothers.

No words will explain these feelings, but I know you will get this letter and the feelings that accompany it. I miss you my friend.

Until we meet again,
Jamie

It feels like it's been,
a blink of the eye,
from the time we met,
until it was goodbye.

We've come so far,
from the first hello,
to standing here now,
wishing you didn't go.

I know how it works,
so I will try my best,
not to be too sad,
that you're laid to rest.

It may have been short,
but it was also eventful,
you opened your heart,
for that I am grateful.

I know it was hard,
to watch a love grow,
I know it was hard,
to let your baby go.

So now comes the time,
where I will tell you so,
that she loves you dearly,
though you already know.

Your impact will last,
through this you live on,
too much to be forgotten,
and never truly gone.

Deep within our hearts,
you're tucked safely away,
until we're re-united,
on some other day.

I can't stop myself from thinking,
knowing the pain that you're in,
And it hurts me to be helpless,
wishing that I could make it end.

I'm so sorry this has happened,
and there's nothing I can do,
I know that my love isn't enough,
even though I feel it strongly for you.

I wish that it could be magic,
and heal your wounds,
I wish that you could tell me,
That you're okay too.

My poor kitty I am so sorry,
for what you're going through,
my dear kitty please know,
that I absolutely love you.

I hope you're okay babes 💚😔

If I let go...who am I?

If I let go of the pain that made me strong,
does that mean I have become weak?

If I let go of the betrayals from the past,
how will I guard myself in the future?

If I let go of the anger I hold inside,
what will fuel the fire within?

If I let go of the wrong done to me,
will I make the same mistakes?

If I let go of the person I have been,
who am I?

They say, that the storm will blow over.

Before it does, the rain will try to drown you.
The strong winds will try to push you.
The surrounding clouds will try to limit you.
The darkness will try to consume you.

Do not surrender to the storm. For if you hold strong and keep rooted, the storm will blow over, rather than blowing you over.

They say, that time heals all wounds.

The time does not heal you or set you free.
In the concept of time, perception is the key.
Will it be your friend, or your enemy?
It is not with you, nor against thee;
it is a gift, that comes with no guarantee.

Do not be fooled by time. For it is not objective; what you do with the unknown time given to you, can be full of endless possibilities.

They say, that good things come to those who wait.
Though this is true, not without challenges along the way.
It cannot be said with an exact amount of days.
Those who are waiting, had a price to pay.

Do not lose faith in the Universe. Things happen as they will, but you will see brighter days ahead.

They say, that love is blind.
Overlooking behaviours, choosing to disbelieve.
The trust line broken, unable to receive.
Peering into the eyes, yet still deceived.

Do not be confused by this. It is not blindness, but unconditional love - that we accept their faults, have hope and believe it exists within them, for this is Love.

They say, that you are your own worst enemy.
Never underestimate the power of the mind.
Learn self-love and discover what you find.
Judging and criticizing is but a waste of time.

Do not succumb to fear. For your thoughts are a powerful thing. You have overcome many struggles.

They say, that life is short.
So take each day as a blessing.
Life is made of moments and lessons.

Take chances! You never know where they will lead you.

The world is full of many souls,
where most have a pair of eyes.
Yet so many of these people,
cannot see through the disguise.

Time after time, and again,
these words have been spoken.
Our world is rooted in hate,
everything still remains broken.

When the world looks at me,
do they see what I see?
A member of our society,
fighting to live free.

When the world looks at me,
they see what they want to see;
They do not see me,
for who I am truly.

My heritage fights to exist,
we will not be silenced.
We will never cease to resist,
regardless of being distanced.

They have taken our land,
and so many of our people.
To this day we still stand,
and our hearts are hopeful.

Do not be blind, instead see me;
I am Aboriginal.
When the world looks at me,
do they know what I know?

Times have come so far,
and yet they're still dark.
They have moved the bar,
and ignited a spark.

For so long I could not love,
without being judged.
For so long I have cried tears,
living in so much fear.

Before you I stand,
with my love at my side.
This does not mean,
we don't have to hide.

We are not fully accepted,
in this world full of hate.
When the world looks at me,
do they see what I see?

Do not be blind, but see me;
I am a lesbian.
When the world looks at me,
do they know what I know?

My upbringing was plagued,
with misery and trauma.
I suffered three levels of abuse,
but that's just drama.

Punches, belts, fists and spoons,
but "stop your **** crying".
Verbal assaults following soon,
all telling me I am not worthy.

This life I have lived has hurt,
I tried many times to escape.
So stand before me and judge,
because despite it all, I will not break.

When the world looks at me,
do they see what I see?
When the world looks at me,
do they know what I know?

It is the blind, leading the blind,
they do not see.
Do not be fooled by the disguise,
look and see.

When I look into the world,
I will not judge it but rather see;
Our stories may be different,
but we are all one species.

I will stand for anyone,
who is being suppressed.
I will stand for anyone,
whose rights are not given.

I will stand for anyone,
who needs my support.
You may not see me,
but I am not blind;
I do see you.

Together we are one.

Time and time again,
I have paired words,
formulating sentences,
all in the name of love.

As I venture down,
my memory lane,
all that I can see,
is a desperation.

Too many lies told,
written creatively,
with a yearning,
all in the name of love.

Upon reflection,
it is clearly visible,
each word written,
was out of hope.

Yet, I still hope,
that recent words,
will be my last,
all in the name of love.

Forget the past,
my present awaits,
my future bright,
and my heart full.

These feelings I carry are mine,
but they do not belong to me.
They were acquired on sidelines,
of those that are dearest to me.

Watching, waiting, and hoping,
for those better days to come.
Empty promises of self-respect,
leaving with not even one.

What remains are harsh echo's,
of reassurance for you.
When the time finally came,
there was no follow through.

Once again, I invested myself,
into cares not of my own.
Once again, I bear this pain,
making solitude my throne.

I can't seem to find reason,
for why I constantly endure,
the torture of this life lesson,
that always seems to recurr.

Here I sit on the sidelines,
watching, waiting, and hoping.
Doing the best that I can,
to keep this pain from showing.

I can't seem to comprehend,
this test I'm facing.
I seem to be missing,
the lesson intended.

Am I not supposed to,
be so generous?
Am I supposed to learn,
gratitude in struggles?

Am I even being tested?
Am I searching for something,
that doesn't exist?
A reason for this feeling?

Am I meant to find,
my inner strength?
What is the purpose?
Because I want to break.

How do I face this?
How do I overcome it?
I feel like I'm drowing;
I want to dive deep.

Insanity...
Doing the same thing,
Over and over,
Expecting different results.

The definition of my life.

Change...
Always occurring,
Bringing new challenges;
A key to growth.

The way of my life.

I endure constant change,
Yet underneath it all,
Nothing has changed.

Different cities,
Different employment,
Yet the same difficulties.

My soul is yearning,
For a new journey,
To meet myself.

My circumstances,
have changed,
My souls desire,
remains the same.

When will I step,
Onto this new path?
When will I leap,
Into my future?

Yesterday is too late,
Tomorrow is unforseen,
Today is what I have,
to change my scene.

I will crawl to it,
I will walk into it,
I will run for it,
Today is the day

It all became so clear,
why it holds its power.
Understanding dawned,
like a Christmas morning.

Now that I know,
it seems a tragedy,
to have been in the dark,
for so many years.

It changes everything;
my expectations,
my height of bliss,
and my appetite.

It has opened doors,
when there wasn't windows.
It has shed light,
into my darkness.

It brings excitement,
for what else exists.
It has sparked a fire,
that feeds my soul.

Such a simple pleasure,
that was denied until now.
I finally understand;
a new adventure begins

The darkness calls to me.

Luring me in,
with the temptation,
of solitude.

It whispers,
full of promises,
of escape.

I hear it sing,
as it encompasses,
everything.

I hear it laugh,
as the shadows,
dance.

It beckons me,
to be submerged,
willingly.

Attracting me,
with the release,
of pain.

I call to the darkness.

I often say that you can never truly know who a person is, no matter how long you know them.

The people we are, or who we were,
Are not the same as the people we become.

I have known my best friend for 13 years, and she is a constant in my life. This woman I know.

I know how kind she can be, or when things bother her- even if she hasn't said it aloud.

I know how we laugh together, at stupid things, and stupid people.

I know she loves me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This other woman, the one I loved however...

After three years,
YOU are finally showing your true colours.

I do not know you, but did not claim to know you ever.

You told me who you were,
And who you wanted to become.

I loved you for all of you. The person you were, the person you are and the person you could be.

Even though, I did not fully know you.

I supported you when you had no one, I inspired you when you felt hopeless.

I helped you to see the light, when I suffered in the dark.

I gave to you, before I gave to myself, always.

They say love is blind, it is true; I loved you.

But to YOU,
I was only an infatuation, that suited you well at the time.

You took and took, and would tell me daily how it was not enough.

You dwelled on negativity and losses, never making it easy to see the light when I needed it.

You leaned on me and shed your worries, as I gained more, helpless.

You relied on me to solve everything, like a child looks to their mother.

You wanted and wanted, so I gave and gave. You took and thought nothing of it.

It was never enough.

I began to see your ways, and still I could not refuse you.

I hoped you were becoming the person you said you wanted to become.

I hoped I was making a positive difference in your life.

I was wrong; I enabled you.

I let you take advantage of me, until I had nothing to give to myself.

That has ended. With that end, came so many more.

You are not my lover, nor ever will be again. You are not my solitude, you were only confinement.

You are not the one who brings me joy, only aggravation.

You are not my friend, and you never were.

You are the woman who has two faces.

One face is shown when a person is of use to you. The other face is shown when they're no longer useful.

YOU will never know true happiness, only the facade you create.

You may have caused me pain, but you have taught me.

I may have fallen, but now I rise.

In the first appearance,
of those piercing blue eyes,
my world expanded,
as you so selfishly loved me.

Without any understanding,
of my own selfishness,
we took our first steps,
into a new adventure.

Challenges and triumphs,
we faced them both;
yet it made no difference,
when the end arrived.

Three years of memories,
lessons, and growth.
You have changed,
and I have changed.

Our time has come,
to take our own paths.
Our shared journey,
was that of its own.

The absence of you,
within my life,
will never exist,
within my heart.

I'm faced with realities,
that were only known,
as concepts.

Stuck in this state;
a combination of fascination,
mourning and inner chaos.

After a decade and a half,
of abusing those three words,
the real thing appears.

I don't recognize it's face,
nothing about it seems familiar.
I've been broken, for so long -
did I ever know what love is?

Is it wanting happiness for her,
even if it means without me?
Is it hoping someone can heal,
the damage I've caused her?

A month of absence,
and she is still my focus.
Accepted or not,
the truth has arrived.

I wish it could have been different.
I wish that I could still hold her,
and tell her softly, that,
I still love her.

I will always love her,
even now,
as I let her go.

What can be said,
that hasn't been said already?
What can be done,
that hasn't been tried already?

It's the same white page,
though a different seat each time.
It's the same old feeling,
escaping through a different rhyme.

It's like the earth's rotation-
spinning endlessly.
It's like generations of music-
remembered timelessly.

Hitting every roadblock,
I keep fighting through.
Trying to find some way,
to release my truth.

What is truth?
Is it the actions we take,
or the words we break?

Is it what we lie about,
to ourselves?
Is it what we hide,
from others?

11 definitions exist,
to explain it's meaning,
yet none are the ones,
we are searching for.

"I'll believe it, when I see it"-
does that make it true?
"Actuality or actual existence"-
we don't see all that there is.

When I set about to find
the truth I've been chasing,
I look to know who I am,
in the face of this world.

I look to find answers,
that will keep me going;
I have chased truth,
and it's face is ugly.

Through the foggy grey's,
Of freshly instilled,
Yet old insecurities,
I stay the course.

Whispers of doubt,
Deafen all other audio,
As it lingers amongst,
Every concious thought.

Uncertainty is permanent,
Placed by your words,
Only to be removed,
When actions of truth prevail.

Although reunited,
Segregation is prominent,
My heart aches knowing,
You denied me security.

Once again, I find myself here,
hating the reflection in the mirror.

It brings tears to my eyes,
gazing upon my tiny size.

I once had some weight,
and it made me feel great.

Now, I am skin and bones,
riddled with different tones.

It saddens my soul,
that I can't feel whole.

I am ashamed, of what I see,
I wish that it wasn't me.

I want this cycle to end,
I want to break the trend.

How do I accept who I am,
this person they call Jam.

I look, but I don't see...
I don't see my reflection.
A stranger stands before me,
staring back deeply into my eyes.

I only see a woman...
a woman who isn't me.
Her skin is so tight to her face,
she is tiny like a child.

Lines are imprinted,
around her dry lips.
Dark circles encompass,
each end of her eyes.

Her cheekbones protrude-
the light hangs on the edge.
Her smile is weak and faded;
who is this person I see?

I don't want to look,
she saddens my heart.
I don't want to see reality,
staring into the mirror.

As young children,
we most desired toys.
How precious they were,
on every occasion that gave.

We cherished our toys,
for the joy they brought.
Showing them off to others,
so proud of what we had.

But, eventually...
we grew tired of them.
Sometimes quickly,
they became worn and old.

Our interest elsewhere..
all the new toys out there.
Nobody wants used toys,
they're no good anymore.

It has to be shiny and better,
that's much more exciting.
So we discard our old toys,
after we've played them out.

She is obsessed with toys,
and I am her doll...
but now I am old and worn,
and playtime is over.

Cogitating our path,
the many possibilities,
what has been, and yet to be.

Deliberating the actions,
or words that were spoken,
which have set me free.

Eluding the dramatics,
my conscious is aware,
of all that I am, or do.

Analyzing behaviours,
weighed without bias,
seeking what is true.

Discovering that lines,
may be deceiving,
questioning the certain.

Enlightening experiences,
much remains unknown,
hidden behind the curtain.

Where do I go from here?

Here. Where is here? Where have I ended up?
At what point do I end?

Have I completed my journey? Please say I have.
Tell me that my sentence is over.
My time is done.

Tell me that I will not bear this pain -
That I will not have to feel,
the magnitude of these emotions,
for another second longer.

Please tell me that my suffering will end…
that if my journey is not over,
I will soon find peace within.
That these feelings won’t last.

I need to know that one day,
the tiredness will disappear…

I won’t be tired…of waking up,
to face another day of struggle.
I won’t be tired…of looking at myself,
noticing every flaw that exists.
I won’t be tired…of hating who I am,
never reaching my better self.
I won’t be tired…of worrying,
about how others are judging me.
I won’t be tired…of failing,
only accomplishing the next day.
I won’t be tired…of being hurt,
when I open my heart to others.
I won’t be tired…of hurting,
the people I love the most.
I won’t be tired…of disappointment,
it’s in every face that I see.
I won’t be tired…of surviving,
taking it one day at a time.
I won’t be tired…of living,
holding onto the hope of death.

I am tired of fighting,
and my strength is worn.

Where do I go from here?

This path I walk is cluttered,
with the awkwardness of the past.
Although I stagger forward,
my steps are far from straight.

I have no map to guide me,
down this well walked trail.
Only hope in the distance,
And the cold on my back.

As I aimlessly continue,
the volume of darkness rises.
I am surrounded by nothing,
with everything in the way.

With no vision to trust,
I walk slowly through deceit.
The path has now faded,
leaving me standing still.

Absence is strongly present,
harboring this beaten vessel.
Assuming full control,
damaging my infrastructure.

Illusions of reality creep,
glimpsing but mere frames.
Awareness dawns periodically,
despite my reluctance to admit.

Yet, remaining truths surface,
the wake - unbelievable.
Time escaped visibility,
Carving its deep path.

Grasping for any remnants,
attempting to secure myself.
Facing my consequences,
the outcomes of poison.

She always said I was strong,
and I never believed her.

I still don't.

I count on my best friend,
to tell me how it is.

She tells me I'm strong,
I think I understand....
I can always make the hard choices.

Even if it hurts.

The most recent choice,
was the hardest yet.

If you love someone,
let them go, they say.

I let her go...

She wouldn't admit it,
but things were bad.
I became a stranger-
to myself.

I couldn't love her enough,
because I'm angry all the time.
I couldn't help myself,
because I worry about her.

She doesn't understand;
she thinks we can manage.

But why?
Why should she manage?
Why should I manage?

Why can't we live?
For ourselves.

I've always said,
you never know what will happen,
and that everything,
happens for a reason - whatever that may be.

Maybe...one day,
in the future,
I will be ready for her.

She is amazing,
and now...
she's gone.

So often in life, we face crossroads;
never knowing which path to take,
or where each path takes us.

Sometimes, we stumble onto them,
other times we run for them,
but either way, we keep moving.

How do you decide which path?
Are the decisions weighed,
or are they just made?

Do you trust your instincts?
Follow your heart?
Listen to your brain?

Which one is right?

Fear.
It's always there.

Fear of making a mistake;
of failing.

Fear of loss;
emptiness.

Yet, there's also hope.

Hope, that it will be better,
that it's for the best.

Hope, for a brighter path.

Hope, that the change,
is worth the pain.

How do you decide?

You must listen,
to everything inside.

Then take it,
one day at a time.

You talk about that day, and my gut wrenches.
You say..you will never get over,
the things he did to you.
That you will always have fear;
making my heart shatter ten fold.

How do I accept the burden, I placed on you?
How do I face the mirror, knowing it was me,
that did this...to you?

How can I be so selfish,
thinking of how I have to live with this?
How can you forgive me,
and still tell me you love me?

How can I fix the biggest mistake I ever made?
How do I live with this regret?

You're always so willing to forgive,
and so right, to never forget.
How can I ever make it up to you?

The only thing I can do...is to make you a promise.

A promise that I will never forget how I betrayed your trust.
I will never forget the pain I caused you.
I will never forget the burden you carry, because of me.
I will never forget how awful of a sister I am.

A promise that I will always be there for you,
the way I should have been.
That I will never let anyone, including me, hurt you again.

A promise that I will honour to my death.

You may have forgiven me...but I could never forgive myself.
I will always remember what I did.

I am the judge of my life, despite those who will judge me.
My judgement is the only one I deserve, and with it,
a life sentence of torture; remembering.

I do not deserve to forget.
I do not even deserve your forgiveness.
But I shall remain here in this world,
spending my life, keeping my promise.

Something is wrong.
I don't know what,
or why.

This awful feeling inside,
makes me want to explode.

I can't think...
I don't know where to begin.

I can't breathe...
there's no air in the room.

I can't focus...
so many thoughts at once.

I can't scream...
because I'm suffocating.

I can't lose control...
if I do, it'll be over.

I don't know what to do.

Every sound brings...
more anger,
more frustration,
more confusion,
more anxiety.

All I want to do is escape this.

I am angry....
because I can't make it go away,
because I don't know how to deal with it,
because it causes me these feelings,
because I have no patience.

I am angry because I suffer from anxiety.

I just want it to end...

Public transit, a nightmare.
Yet there I sit, going through my day.

The music in my ears, a trigger.
A thought...

Grade four, and it's lunch time.
My brother and I, are at home.
There we stand before him, waiting.

Then the blow.
Each a fist to the forehead...
the wall - our security - it holds us up.

I can't remember why...
Why he did it.
Why we deserved it.

A tear nearly escapes, as other's board the bus.

Like a train, they're connected.
One follows another.
The next thought, unwanted.

The day, unclear.
About twelve years of age.
A day I will never forget.

At the bottom of the stairs,
he cried out in pain,
and I was helpless.

He beat him,
she did nothing in fear,
and we all heard, helpless.

The song has changed,
and the next thought follows.

She was maybe ten,
she did nothing wrong,
but she upset him somehow.

He grabs her, picking her up,
then throws her sideways,
at the bedroom wall.

She falls onto the futon,
and I stand in dismay.
Why? I don't understand.

I can't do this.
I can't think about it.
I have to move on.
It's a new day, and I'm trying.

Trying to get through the day.
Trying to get past this trauma.
I can't cry in front of these people.
I can't let it in right now.

Can they see me?
Do they know what's happening?
Am I wearing it on my face?

I take three deep breathes,
and steady my heart.
I clear my mind and say;
Let it go. Focus on today.

I repeat once more.
Three deep breathes;
Let it go, focus on today.

*Did anyone see me?
Did they notice?

...no one saw me.
Thankfully.

The stale air lingers,
Emptiness surrounds his heart,
Death is near, waiting.

The letters, they swirl.
     A word here,
                          a sentence there.
                                             They spin, and they spin.
Every so often,
               one is thrown.
                                                         ­          No placement,
                                    no rhythm,
just discarded.

              From a merry-go-round,
                                         it becomes a carousel.
Quickly advancing,
                                                      ­       into a tornado -
        the disaster thickens.
                                                       ­             Building, and building,
                                                      i­t continues to collect,
               as it tears a path.
No safe way to release,
                                                        ­    all that madness, has consumed.
                                            No beauty to be found,
            in the wake of the aftermath.
                                                      ­No way out of the destruction,
                                                    ­                                   that brews silently.

Do they know, what it’s like?
Visuals emerge, inside my head…

People everywhere, pushing,
No one watching, no one caring.
My throat…closing.
Suffocation. Anxiety.

The noise - there’s too much.

Screaming, laughing, yelling,
It fills every space in my mind.
I have no escape.
Claustrophobia. Anxiety.

They’re everywhere I turn…

Those noticing ask, are you okay?
Everyone looks at me. Stop staring!!
I can’t breathe...something’s rising inside.
Anger. Embarrassment. Anxiety.

There’s no where to go, no place to run.

Questions, Questions, Questions…
Why? Why not? You have to…
The pressure, the force –  it's building within.
Overwhelmed. Ashamed. Anxiety.

Do you really know, what it’s like?

Be thankful you don’t walk,
Even a mile in these shoes.
Because then you might understand,
What it’s like, to have to choose...

Alone in my empty home,
Because I just couldn’t embrace,
A tradition in which family partakes...
No Stampede Breakfast, just isolation.
Sadness. Depression. Anxiety.

Do they really know…..what it’s like?

This chord twanged,
as that chord is plucked.
The bow strikes again.
And again ... and again, still.

The notes, ringing high,
then abruptly, ringing low.
Fervently producing sound;
this one woman orchestra.

Strike, after strike, after strike,
...my finger tips bleed.
Sweating out my soul-
playing this sonata.

First verse, Second verse,
and now the Chorus.
Third verse, Fourth verse,
and again, the Chorus.

Fifth verse, sixth verse,
and then ... the Chorus.
Always coming back,
to the same, old Chorus.

The conclusion draws near,
always the most awaited.
How will it happen?
What will I feel?

She peers out the glass,
at the bright blue sky,
into the sun's warmth...
She is alive, and breathing.

Thoughts flutter, and
images flicker behind
her vacant stare.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slowly, she begins to ascend.

Her head tilted upwards,
her arms slack at her sides,
as the palm of her hands extend,
welcoming the unknown.

She becomes the center of view,
raised above the plains;
she spins around and around.

Like the wind, softly blowing ashes
from the hot coals of a fire;
her flesh tears away in pieces.

Piece by piece, she is exposed.

As she disintegrates;
her blood drawn by gravity,
spills out like rain drops.

High pitch screams,
fill the ears of those,
close and far.

Screams above mortal pain.
Unlike any torture, the
human body can endure.

Screams that raise every hair;
that stop the heart from beating,
for a second too long.

Screams that cannot be,
labelled or identified.

The world will bare witness;
while in their confusion,
they are still, with feeling.

The faces beneath,
stare above in disbelief;
absolute horror.

The sky ... now empty.
Traces left behind,
in blood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Abruptly, she surfaces
behind her glazed eyes.

Still peering out the window,
she thinks;* "My life is good."

I have a home; a family.
I have food to eat,
and love in my life.

*Yet, thoughts flutter,
and images still flicker.

The world, the world, the world..
what makes the world go 'round?

Green paper, they claim.
Happiness, I always say.
Perhaps, it's kindness...
What of the blindness?

Turning and spinning,
just who, is winning?
When does it stop?
Who is at the top?

Surely, I am not,
as I sit, distraught.
Begging for strength,
or a shorter length.

This world, My world, Your world..
What makes Our world go 'round?

So..there's this girl....
that I cannot avoid,
inside and out,
she is destroyed.

So, this girl...
I see everyday-
it's too difficult,
to live this way.

Sometimes, this girl,
comes close to danger;
igniting my temper-
this close stranger.

Sometimes..this girl...
just needs a friend,
someone to care,
not pretend.

Except, this girl...
doesn't make it easy,
always giving excuses-
big, little *****.

So, this girl...
a test of my patience,
making it harder;
we have no relations.

We often wonder and question,
the meaning of life.
Focusing our attention,
on a three letter word.

The flaw in our nature;
endlessly analyzing.
With a need to understand,
and be reassured.

A vast ocean of opinions,
each an interpretation.
Never truly certain,
of what remains unknown.

Blinded with ungratefulness,
our gifts' wasted; unnoticed.
Failing to recognize,
the kindness shown.

The sun on this warm day,
shed's light to a new dawn.
Embracing this found focus,
not on why, but W.H.Y.

Wisdom, Humor, Youth.
To live each day wisely,
as eagerly as a child,
laughing until you cry.

I'm falling in more ways than one...

....once again the cycle resets.


It takes so much to stay standing,
to remain firmly grounded.

When I feel happiness...
sadness follows in the absence,
replacing the gratefulness I should feel.

This discontent, stirs my emotions,
into a never-ending turmoil.

I am consumed in my greed.
The tease is never enough.

This life refuses to be fabricated.

Pieces lay scattered among the dust.

These winds never relent,
making it impossible to gather the crumbs.

Unable to make determinations from the debris,
I cannot seem to collect myself.

Brief bursts of effort, come and go...
this energy, so difficult to muster.

Without consistency, I am faltering..
never steady and always full of extreme highs and lows.

Now that I've tasted life with you,
I am bound to torture...

..the torture of being without your love.

In every aspect of my life,
I am getting most of what I need....
just not enough of it.

I have family with me.....but not enough of them.
I have the love of my life.....but not by my side each day.
I have two jobs.....but not enough money to cover those needs, or any wants.
I have clothing.....but they are worn and need replacing.
I have food.....but just barely an appetite.

I am hardly able to keep myself together,
physically or mentally....

....I can't seem to stop falling,
regardless of the several times I keep getting back up.

The last hope I have to hold onto, is you.

I need the strength you give me, to face the day.
I need the love you give me, to keep the sadness away.
I need you to hold me, and tell me it's going to be okay.

I need to be able to share the love in my heart,
that I hold only for you.

You are the glue to my life; what is keeping me together.

I'm sorry...

Beginning like every other day,
my eyes open reluctantly.

Dragging myself out of bed,
it is time to face the silence.

Another day to manage,
still attempting to survive.

Wondering why it is,
that I get out of bed at all.

Those who are not a victim,
to the tight hold of depression,
cannot fathom the meaning,
beyond the syllables.

Even the truest descriptions,
cannot paint the picture,
in it's entirety.

To say, I feel empty;
could never explain enough.

To cry, bearing pain;
could never release enough.

To scream, with frustration;
could never show enough.

We smile, in hope that it helps,
to not bring those down around us.

As we breakdown repeatedly,
we are always lost within.

A burden; is an understatement.

Depression is like a cancer,
embedded deep into your cells,
draining the life from you,
with little hope for the end.

For no reason, other than love,
do I face the day and try again.

If I did not love those in my life,
I would not get up to be there.

Still, I try my absolute best,
to do what I can for others,
knowing there is nothing,
they can do to help me.

Drifting through the moments,
always consumed within,
these moving wheels,
as my thoughts wander.

Escaping this dull reality,
I explore the boundaries,
of my imagination,
entering to conquer.

Lost in a single step,
I continue onward,
venturing into the depths,
of this familiar unknown.

Discovering myself;
though a small part,
considered to be,
one more steppingstone.

Beneath the sunsets orange,
the green grass grows rich,
next to the blues of the river,
softly flowing through the meadows.

The days offering of warm rays,
struggles in it's last moments,
capturing the essence of beauty,
filling the soul with absolute bliss.

Nestled within nature's arms,
a deep and hot spark ignites,
spreading with a vicious hunger,
consumed by the pleasures of greed.

Embracing the comfort of solitude,
this forest, the only witness,
leaving untold secrets kept,
as lovers release their passion.

I was going to be, so much more...
A little miss goody two shoes.
Someone called wholesome.
I would be the one to make them proud.
I was going to be, the light.

Instead, through life I became...
Jaded and so very bitter.
Tainted and well experienced.
I only ever made them disappointed.
It seems, I am the dark.

Once upon a time, so long ago...
I was a happy little girl.
That little girl did not survive childhood.
She was buried, deep inside.
She became lost and forgotten.

Replaced with ugliness, so long ago...*
I have ached for years.
Barriers crumble beneath the force.
My created strength, fails me.
I don't know who I am.