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Jamie Lee Nov 2018
I can't seem to comprehend,
this test I'm facing.
I seem to be missing,
the lesson intended.

Am I not supposed to,
be so generous?
Am I supposed to learn,
gratitude in struggles?

Am I even being tested?
Am I searching for something,
that doesn't exist?
A reason for this feeling?

Am I meant to find,
my inner strength?
What is the purpose?
Because I want to break.

How do I face this?
How do I overcome it?
I feel like I'm drowing;
I want to dive deep.
Jamie Lee Nov 2018
Doing the same thing,
Over and over,
Expecting different results.

The definition of my life.

Always occurring,
Bringing new challenges;
A key to growth.

The way of my life.

I endure constant change,
Yet underneath it all,
Nothing has changed.

Different cities,
Different employment,
Yet the same difficulties.

My soul is yearning,
For a new journey,
To meet myself.

My circumstances,
have changed,
My souls desire,
remains the same.

When will I step,
Onto this new path?
When will I leap,
Into my future?

Yesterday is too late,
Tomorrow is unforseen,
Today is what I have,
to change my scene.

I will crawl to it,
I will walk into it,
I will run for it,
Today is the day
Jamie Lee Nov 2018
It all became so clear,
why it holds its power.
Understanding dawned,
like a Christmas morning.

Now that I know,
it seems a tragedy,
to have been in the dark,
for so many years.

It changes everything;
my expectations,
my height of bliss,
and my appetite.

It has opened doors,
when there wasn't windows.
It has shed light,
into my darkness.

It brings excitement,
for what else exists.
It has sparked a fire,
that feeds my soul.

Such a simple pleasure,
that was denied until now.
I finally understand;
a new adventure begins
Jamie Lee Nov 2018
The darkness calls to me.

Luring me in,
with the temptation,
of solitude.

It whispers,
full of promises,
of escape.

I hear it sing,
as it encompasses,

I hear it laugh,
as the shadows,

It beckons me,
to be submerged,

Attracting me,
with the release,
of pain.

I call to the darkness.
Jamie Lee Oct 2018
I often say that you can never truly know who a person is, no matter how long you know them.

The people we are, or who we were,
Are not the same as the people we become.

I have known my best friend for 13 years, and she is a constant in my life. This woman I know.

I know how kind she can be, or when things bother her- even if she hasn't said it aloud.

I know how we laugh together, at ****** things, and ****** people.

I know she loves me.


This other woman, the one I loved however...

After three years,
YOU are finally showing your true colours.

I do not know you, but did not claim to know you ever.

You told me who you were,
And who you wanted to become.

I loved you for all of you. The person you were, the person you are and the person you could be.

Even though, I did not fully know you.

I supported you when you had no one, I inspired you when you felt hopeless.

I helped you to see the light, when I suffered in the dark.

I gave to you, before I gave to myself, always.

They say love is blind, it is true; I loved you.

But to YOU,
I was only an infatuation, that suited you well at the time.

You took and took, and would tell me daily how it was not enough.

You dwelled on negativity and losses, never making it easy to see the light when I needed it.

You leaned on me and shed your worries, as I gained more, helpless.

You relied on me to solve everything, like a child looks to their mother.

You wanted and wanted, so I gave and gave. You took and thought nothing of it.

It was never enough.

I began to see your ways, and still I could not refuse you.

I hoped you were becoming the person you said you wanted to become.

I hoped I was making a positive difference in your life.

I was wrong; I enabled you.

I let you take advantage of me, until I had nothing to give to myself.

That has ended. With that end, came so many more.

You are not my lover, nor ever will be again. You are not my solitude, you were only confinement.

You are not the one who brings me joy, only aggravation.

You are not my friend, and you never were.

You are the woman who has two faces.

One face is shown when a person is of use to you. The other face is shown when they're no longer useful.

YOU will never know true happiness, only the facade you create.

You may have caused me pain, but you have taught me.

I may have fallen, but now I rise.
******* and the donkey you ride!
Jamie Lee Oct 2018
In the first appearance,
of those piercing blue eyes,
my world expanded,
as you so selfishly loved me.

Without any understanding,
of my own selfishness,
we took our first steps,
into a new adventure.

Challenges and triumphs,
we faced them both;
yet it made no difference,
when the end arrived.

Three years of memories,
lessons, and growth.
You have changed,
and I have changed.

Our time has come,
to take our own paths.
Our shared journey,
was that of its own.

The absence of you,
within my life,
will never exist,
within my heart.
Jamie Lee Sep 2018
I'm faced with realities,
that were only known,
as concepts.

Stuck in this state;
a combination of fascination,
mourning and inner chaos.

After a decade and a half,
of abusing those three words,
the real thing appears.

I don't recognize it's face,
nothing about it seems familiar.
I've been broken, for so long -
did I ever know what love is?

Is it wanting happiness for her,
even if it means without me?
Is it hoping someone can heal,
the damage I've caused her?

A month of absence,
and she is still my focus.
Accepted or not,
the truth has arrived.

I wish it could have been different.
I wish that I could still hold her,
and tell her softly, that,
I still love her.

I will always love her,
even now,
as I let her go.
It's a strange concept to have found what I consider to be true love at such an age in life, and even more of a tragedy, that it didn't last.
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