Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
but
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.

Shame disgusts me
Tastes bitter in my mouth
A sour cucumber skin
Follows me like a wraith
Haunting my room with
Clicks and creaks
The storm cloud
Of my frizzy black hair
The imperfections of
My destroyed body
There's nothing I can do
That will not wrench me
With those agonizing
Sexualized stripes of pain
Known as shame
Even if my room
Smells like afternoon sunshine
I will always stink of meat
So let me be
Let me sink my own teeth
Into my own neck
End it all and get away
From this pounding
Tidal wave of petrifying
Intoxicatingly frightening
****** wristed
High on fasting
Torn to pieces
Suicidal
Shame

I'm so tired
So, so tired
So I'm going back to this style
One long sentence
Way too messy
To truly be
Much of anything
It's all I have
Right now

I don't know
What to do
About you
As much as I want you
I know
Oh how I know
That there's nothing out there
There's nothing for us
There's nothing in me
That matches up
To your missing
Puzzle piece

Maybe that's it
You aren't missing anything
Well I'm missing lots
Missing someone
With whom
I can truly talk
I've never truly had someone
I haven't even
Really come close
But I can dream
And I do
Just not of you

It's our music tastes
I suppose
I spend way too much time
Searching Spotify
For new music
A new playlist
Every week
And you're happy
Right where you are
Sixteen artists
You didn't get very far
But you're happy
Or, at least
Content enough to stay
Where you are
Maybe you're too scared to move
I get that too
Just not with music

I'm never done searching
For who I could be
Maybe I'll never finish
I'll just roam forever
Growing and changing
Shapeshifting
Never the same
From day to day
There'll be
No sense of consistency
Maybe that's what you need

I can't read minds
But I can read
And from what
I can see
We're different

What is too much?

The breeze
Is fine
But I wish
The sun
Wouldn't shine

Just a month until I replace you forever
You have no place in my life anymore
I don't care that you don't want me
I never ******* loved you
It was infatuation and I got rid of you as soon as it was gone
I come back to you when I'm bored
Then discard you once I'm not
You answer every time
It's pathetic
I feel nothing for you

Yeah
I get it
You're a princess in your robe ball gown
With your boyfriend across the states
Dancing a waltz with you
In some stupid ballroom
And you're so in love
You've decided to get married
With blessings from the parents
There are doves in the air
Practically
But then you fight in the bathroom
Then make up twenty minutes later
Your life is hard
You and your prince
Dancing in a ballroom

I don't mind people
From the back of the room
Everyone can talk
As long as I can be quiet
I don't mind noise
When I don't have to take part
Stranger's conversations
Heard from afar
Are the greatest things
I get to know people
Without saying a word
Sometimes I'll talk
For hours at a time
But talking leaves me drained
And for the most part
I'd rather just be quiet

**** hustling
**** getting the bag and not looking back
**** money before *******, money before love
My lover and I are resting
We’re relaxing
We’re waking up together on a Sunday morning curled up in bed
And laying there,
Letting the day come to us

So **** the eternal grind of the capital machine
If I am to be a cog in the depths of this device
I will make the metal around me
A loving and warm home

As long as I
Can hold you
In my mind
That is enough

Sinking

Feeling


When I hear the telltale sound
Sobbing from the ceiling
While our parents
Don't hear a thing
I know it's wrong
To put my headphones on
But leaving you
In your misery
Drenched silence
Is easier than breaking it

Why can't you see
That I love you
Very much
But you need
To get away
From me

Sleep
I wish I could sleep
Sew my eyelids shut
And never seen the stain
Of the world
Reflected in my retinas

Tossing and turning
Strangled by all my sheets
All the things
I don't know how to forget
I regret
Just about everything
These days

Melt myself
To fit the mold
Crafted of pillows
Liquify
All my insides
To drain into this place
Never look out again

I'm laying down
Head on my pillow
Wondering you're doing the same
Knowing you, probably not
I can close my eyes and picture you
Easier than I would like
Sitting in bed
Watching tv and
Eating lukewarm ramen
I shouldn't miss you like this
We never had anything
Yet I still hold out hope
That we can change that

And just like that
I'm alone again
The truth is so bitter
Beating against my face
The wings of a battered dove
Singing for escape
They say that I am not worthy
That I put all my faith
In one face

And even as I spoke
I felt my defeat
Seeping into me
Through the cracks
I swore I sealed up
Last year when
I passed this
Same problem
For the hundredth time

And now as I sit
Plagued by chills
The spiders that skitter
Up and down my spine
Reaping lumps
In my flesh
I feel nothing
But the same thing
I've been pretending
For so many years

I don't love you
But you still mean something
You mean pain
You mean lying awake
Trying to erase all those moments
The longest five hours of my life
And you caused them

You don't own me
But I'm your midnight memory
I bet I'm sacred to you
A pale body in the moonlight
Naked for you
I am nothing to you

And I don't want you
You are my snow spill bloodshed
You're the pill under my tongue
Dissolving, making me numb
I don't love you
It will always be that way

Warm golden curls
Swirling beneath the surface
A porcelain crater
Filled to almost overflowing
Delicate toes
Tickled by the current
Bronzed summer legs
Tipped up in relaxation

Spent so long thinking I'm hard
Cruel and calloused
Cold to the touch
That when you soften me up
I spill at the seams
Soon enough I'll melt into your touch
And be forever undone
I'm okay with that
You make me like being soft

Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better

Remembering the first time you kissed me kinda hurts
Because you never asked if I wanted it
It's strange that where we came from is a place of such pain
Such malice and misunderstanding
The floor there is still stained from my tears
Same with your pillow cases
And my old tee shirts
     (do you remember the first time you cried on me?)
I do

I visit sometimes
Lay down in the soft embrace of your cat haired covered sheets
     (we have the same sheets)
Close my eyes and feel your weight
I don't resent you anymore
I never would've resented you if I'd known you back then
But I didn't
I knew black slacks
An Iron Maiden tee
     (I have the same one)
A [REDACTED] license plate

I open my eyes and
You walk in with a pizza
     (Dominos, they had a 50% promotion)
It has sausage and spinach on your half
Mushrooms and green olives on mine
I'm glad I know you now

It's raining today
Everyone stands
With their black umbrellas
Opened wide
To catch the sky

Soft music played
Inside the funeral home
It echoes in their ears
Old lyrics scattered
To the beat of the rain

The ceremony was short
The coffin was not open
There were no deformities
But the mother couldn't bear
To see the body

The tombstone is small
Simply carved
No one quite knew what to say
So all it reads is
Gone but never forgotten

That's funny
Considering who I was

Sometimes
On a sticky morning
Where the sun
Won't stop shining
And my head
Won't stop wondering
The next best thing
Is a tale as old
As time

somewhere deep in my skin
i'm shaking
trembling
lost beneath the surface
drowning in my dreams

somewhere in my head
hazed with caffeine
i'm losing
i'm dying

Sore knees and an aching back
From a day of laying in bed
Dark clothes covered in hair
From a certain feline friend

Warm eyes and soft smiles
Traded with myself
Flipping damaged pages
Of old books off a shelf

Writing crooked poetry
Reading upside down
Battling the depressing things
Is easier with stories around

Should I just change
Cut you off
Cut you out
I don't know if I can do this anymore
The good times are good
But this sinking feeling never goes away for long
I'm never alone
Never without you
Plaguing my thoughts
I dream about you and
It makes me so tired
I wish it would all go away
The feelings
The obsessive thoughts
Why won't you disappear from my life
Pull away
Slowly
Why do you do this to me

Broken days

Living in a daze

Thinking that maybe

If I went to space

The vacuum would ****

All the air out of my lungs

I could be happy then

Pale lights
Strike down around me like moonfire
I wonder how they're doing
I wonder how they're doing

Will my words someday
Be enshrined in the tombs
Of thousand letter books
Where will I be then

And will they embalm me
In book awards and fame
I don't think so
I'm not all that much
I''m not all that special

I am okay now
I am clean
Wrists gleaming
When I walk outside
Draped in fairy lights

I hope you're happy
I don't mean that
In a bitter way
I want you to be happy
I hope she gives you
Everything that I couldn't
I hope she looks past your flaws
Moves past the place where I stopped
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy

Bring out the lights
The ones that glow orange and purple
Slip on your black and white tights
And plant some spiders
We're bringing the aesthetic
Creepy glam and full face
If there isn't a pumpkin involved
I'm not interested
Let'***** Party City
And get this started
I can be Inigo and you can be Buttercup
Or I can be Noel and you can be Sandi
We can dress up as our favourite
Spooky characters
I'll go full axe murderer
And you can be a creepy doll
We'll hit the streets
As wasted teens
They can tell us we're too old
But what do they know
Collapse back home
To watch horror movies
Stay up all night
On fright and candy
This isn't just one day
It's a two month event
So let's get real spooky
And live while we can

Out with the old
In with the new
At least
That's what they told me

Sweeping up dust
Throwing open windows
Letting in spring
That's what they told me

Clear out your contacts
Delete those old pictures
Wipe the slate clean
That's what they told me

Open up and let go
All that you once were
Rebirth yourself
That's what they told me

Letting go of the things
That kept me alive
Left with only loss
They never told me that

i met many people
big and not so big
all different size
and evrytiem
i cri
until i met squid
he was so squid
i went splid
while evry1 else amde me go
wubba
and to this day
he is the only one
who make me go
yeehaw

I'm not sure when
I flew
At first
A simple night
Dark with
Starry skies
I rose up
From the hole in the earth
Birthed by the ground
A child of nature
Sent up into
Life

I spend too long
Staring into the sun
The flicking tongues
Of radiation
Spilling into space

I don't mind the way things are
I have some new friends
We're smiling again
Things are better for me
Life keeps moving

I still love you
In all of my indifference
And the time that I have spent floating
When you don't so much
As cross my mind
You're still alive
Living in my lungs
Stealing all my
Oxygen

I am a panoply
Of all things inane
My mind is half gone
And my dreams
Are a mess of the dead
I'm probably concussed
And I can't feel my legs
So let's go steal Greenland
To wash away the pain

I'm over him
But how can I be
When my hearts still skips a beat
Every time I pick up my phone

But my mind's moved on
And so has my soul
I'm done writing letters
On the margins of every
Biology paper
In blotted ink
Overlapping
Until they don't mean anything

For now, it is forwards
Until I find someone
To truly give me
A reason to pause

Flowers buried deep
Rooted in her skin
Growing in her sunlight
Drowning in her rain
A scattering
Of dandelion seeds
Left to thrive
In a local park
Popping up and out
Turned away from the ground
Face to the sun
Everyone wonders
Where we come from

Shadows
Streaking
Lines of light
Like paper planes
On the wall
With the picture frames
All hold your name

My shadow
My silhouette
Beautiful void
That I love
Dancing with
Candle sticks
Raised above our heads

Pale green dreams
Mottled wallpaper and
Rotting screens
Sunlight
Is a knife
Bleeding out
Clean the veins

Shadow girl
It follows
Rained out
Sidewalks and cracks
In asphalt
That deadly disease
Love me

I guess things are still going after all
My heart keeps beating
And for now, so does yours
We're not in time but
We're talking again
That's enough for my hopes to climb
And my mouth to smile
Parted lips let the words fall out
We kept it closed until now
Now, you still see your other friends
But we're walking again

Part of healing
Is letting go
And I should forget
The way you looked
At me
But you're my
Own private hell
Burned into my mind
By our eyes
As much as it hurts
I wouldn't stop
If I could
You're the furthest
From breaking
I've ever come

Today I'm stepping up to the plate
Look of determination on my face
I'm not giving up this time
Because all the cracks that they made
All the dents in my facade
Can't hurt me now
That the lies are all gone
I'm coming out today
With all my guns blazing
Shooting down the hate
That used to feel like home

Thinking about unblocking his number
Is suicidal thoughts
He's my death wish
My reaper's kiss
Can't believe he was once my everything

Manipulative, darkened and deceiving
I fell for every trick he fed me
And always woke up from nightmares
That left me screaming
They were dreams of him
And a rooftop
And giant claws
They're suicidal thoughts

I see his face
In every scar on my arm
Every shriveled patch of skin
Is something like him
So twisted and deceived
Well, that's more like me
But I still miss him sometimes
Wonder what I looked like in his eyes

A fool, I suppose
Just a foolish girl
Lost in his fantasy world
A world where he might actually love me
Pure fantasy
Where the rope around my neck
Is a daisy chain
And this suicidal thoughts
Are pure bliss to me

Sometimes
I wish one of us would die
Just to end this mess
To let my hair grow out
To become someone else
Again

Fresh peaches and
Hunting for
Seashells
In my head
Laying on my bed
Watching windows
Flash past
On a train
I've only seen
Once or twice
In scattered dreams
Wondering where
The hours went

It's the sunny Tuesday
That I almost died
It snowed today
But I don't remember the weather back then
There's proof in the time
Truth between the lines
That I must be better now
But there's words in the air
Tangled in the storm clouds
Telling me I've lied

You're the one
I'd find at the other end of a wormhole
We could be torn apart by time and space
And that same cruel universe would bend us back together

So darling, let's go stargazing
Let's lay down in bed and astral project
Lose our physical forms
Brush fingertips through the sky
The material of space and time
And **** it all up
With a single touch

We can mind meld and lose our voices
But I guarantee I'd still be thinking of you
When all thoughts are gone
When Asimov's last question has been answered
You'll still be on my mind

And when we come to in our bed
Sweaty and wrapped in an embrace that is not fatal
But will see us to our deathbeds still
I'll pull apart to grab a marker
And draw nebulas on your arms

So baby, make me a galaxy
Connect the marks on my skin and make meaning of them
I'll trace out the words of scars
Saturated on your skin
Learn the code of your soul and find my name
Written in the stars
Written on your heart
Where I always will and always have belonged

There is something wrong
But what?
There is something wrong
But what?
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOU
WRONG WITH YOU
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
THIS ISN'T YOU
**** IT
**** IT
HELP
help me
I can't get out
I can't escape this
ESCAPE
GET OUT
GET OUT
GET OUT
THIS PERSON IS NOT YOU
THIS IS WRONG
**** THIS CREATURE
**** IT
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT
PLEASE
LET ME LEAVE
I'M SICK
I'M SICK
I DON'T WANT TO DIE
I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS
HELP
ME
PLEASE
HELP
**** IT
**** THIS
RUN
GET OUT
RUN NOW
RUN
RUN
feet on wooden rungs
RUN
GET OUT
LEAVE
**** IT
look for the plastic break
HELP ME
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
HELP ME
HELP ME
HELP ME
fingers glitter red and gold
HELP
**** IT
THAT ISN'T ME
I AM NOT HER
I DO NOT RECOGNIZE HER
**** IT
**** IT
IT WON'T STOP
IT WON'T GET OUT
IT WON'T LEAVE
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET
ME
go

over
it is over
quiet
empty
numb
it burns a bit
don't mind
quiet
can finally sleep
nothing
nothing
nothing

I'm okay.
I'll be okay.

I got a new sweater today
Men's section
Of a cheap department store
It's too big on me
Fits like drapery
Concealing my form
That's the only thing I want to do anymore

I don't fit in clothes
Like I don't fit with girls
Too big, too bustless
Their sweaters hug my body
In all the wrong places

But I'm too small for boys
Too young
Too restless
With messy girly hair
And a slim doe's neck
I am not enough for them
I cannot fill their shoes

So I bury myself
In a baggy sweater
Drowning myself
In insecurities
Hoping no one will look closer
Find out what's beneath these clothes
Beneath this skin
Beneath "me"