Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
basil 6d
my roots are growing in ashy
i can't stop looking at my acne scars

i taste everything good in me
and lick the sin off my fingers

but no one told me that loving myself
would be this exhausting
basil Nov 25
today my wish at 11:11 was that the fire alarm would shut up
some freshman had pulled it, trying to get out of class
but it was making my sensory issues go crazy between the blaring sounds and flashing lights

and at 11:11 it stopped
"all clear, false alarm, all clear"
my 11:11 wishes are back <3

11.17.2021
basil Nov 25
i.

i wore ur sweatshirt when i wanted u to hold me; when i wanted to feel safe
i fell asleep with it next to my pillow so your scent could keep the nightmares away every night

my sweatshirt hung in ur closet
i saw you wear it once. one (1) time.

i wish this was one of my twisted metaphors, but it's just a fact.

i should've seen it sooner.
i was never ur safety, never ur comfort.
i couldn't keep ur nightmares away
so i guess it's time for mine to come back


ii.

i need someone to keep me grounded
one thought can ******* into the clouds

i thought you were the answer
but that was my imagination again

you were on the ground
but you had no interest keeping me there

kisses that sent me flying
meant nothing to you

you could let my lips go with an unfazed smile

i saw it on her story
as you rode the ferris wheel

the same one you would give me
the same one you give your mom
even when you're mad at her

who means something to you?
who knows you?
i thought i did
you mom thinks she does

i bet the ******* the ferris wheel thinks so too


iii.

if i knew that would be the last time i kissed u
i would have done it differently
i would've left a sweeter taste in your mouth
and more of me on your tongue
i would've given you a piece of me so tender and secret
that u would regret losing it
every day for the rest of your life.
i would've poisoned you
because i am spiteful and vicious
a storm rages inside of me
full of memories and want and desperation

i don't think you would've changed a think about our last kiss
it was just like u
short and a little sour
with nothing to say except goodbye
i know i said i wouldn't write about u anymore, but technically these were already written.... and i had to remind myself why you are such a bad idea...

i deleted our playlist.
Nov 15 · 862
i feel off
basil Nov 15
i didn't have a single wish to make
at 11:11 today
i don't even know what to say. i just feel off.... it's upsetting, especially since i don't know exactly what's wrong right now. i feel okay, but i don't feel myself

11.14.2021
Oct 31 · 459
possession(s)
basil Oct 31
i would like my flannel back
but i don't know how to ask for it
and i really don't want to talk to you
but in my head i know that means
you've won
in a way i really don't want you to win

can you give me back my copy of Paper Towns
i know you didn't read it, but i don't care anymore
if you read it, maybe you'd love me
or maybe it's the opposite, and maybe if you loved me
you would have read it
but i don't have the time to think like that anymore

what i really want back is the two years i spent on you
treating you like a droplet of tortured heaven
giving you all of me to fill the cracks in your heart
but the real cracks were in your head
for letting me give you everything, and never giving back
you didn't even say thank you

but i'd settle for the book and the flannel
alternatively titled: *******, constence. give me back my ****.

god, i literally hate that i made excuses for you. **** i hate thinking about this. the more i think about it the more ******* mad i get. i'm done.

10.31.2021
basil Oct 24

sometimes you gotta bleed to know
that you're alive and have a soul
but it takes someone to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been

the songs on the radio are okay
but my taste in music is your face
and it takes a song to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been

you fell asleep in my car i drove the whole time
but that's okay i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine
i'm driving here i sit
cursing my government
for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement
you fell asleep in my car i drove the whole time
but that's okay i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine
i'm driving here i sit
cursing my government
for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement
sometimes you gotta bleed to know
that you're alive and have a soul
but it takes someone to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been

my heart is my armor
she's the tear in my heart
she's a carver
she's a butcher with a smile
cut me farther
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been

my heart is my armor
she's the tear in my heart
she's a carver
she's a butcher with a smile
cut me farther
than i've ever been

tonight this song reminded me of you and um. i've never felt like this before. but. ur a sophmoreeeee :P

****. idk *** to do w myself
basil Oct 9
i don't want to write
i want to bleed out
and water the daffodils with my crimes
i need to be cleansed by fire
and buried in the wet earth of my grief

i cannot breathe without your steady hand
pressing me awake
but i suppose i cannot breathe
when your ribs sit in front of me,
waiting to cracked open

do i reach into your chest cavity
and drink of your secrets?
for they do not fall from those lips i so freely kiss

i have waded through thick fog
with your fingers interlaced with mine
but perhaps i have blindly followed my own demise
holding the hand of a stranger

my mask lies on the floor at your feet
and still you ask me to the masquerade

this is not a castle,
though you were once my queen
jewels are heavy
i hope my broken heart was worth the price
of having the pieces inlaid in your crown
****. i knew u were terrible to me for so long, and yet i let you break me even further. god, i'm over this. just go away, blue eyes.

i'm ****** i immortalized u, but i guess it's too late. let me go </3

12.30.2020
Oct 6 · 332
somebody to love
basil Oct 6
i want someone to notice the way i laugh at the wrong parts of movies
and know what weird thought i had about the scene
to hold my hand and kiss my dimple and write about how witty i am
we can joke about it every time we rewatch it

i want someone to read to me under a fading sky in the wintertime
as our breath curls around our throats and it's hard to keep their voice steady
but the words are pretty, and so are their fingers as they wrap around my hair
sylvia plath for the darker days,
robert frost when the sun starts peeking through

i want someone who will dye my hair in shades of pink and green
our noses curling at the scent of the overwhelming bleach
laughing hysterically as we get high on the fumes and try to be quiet when we hear my mom's footsteps outside the bathroom
i'll cut their bangs choppy to match

i want someone who will sing duets with me to a blown out car stereo
as we drive aimlessly through the nights of this ghost-town-to-be
i'll steal the aux cord more than once, and mess with the windows like a kid
but they'll tolerate it because they like the wind
almost as much as they like me

i want someone to dance with me in the rain like we're in a bad romance novel
and enjoy it anyway because it smells like promises (and i keep those)
we can waltz badly and laugh until it hurts to laugh, and then we'll just sway
i'll splash them with puddles and they'll splash back harder
and we can ditch our clothes and get hypothermia together

maybe one day i'll want them enough to have them

but for now i'll watch movies by myself and still laugh at all the wrong parts, knowing that i'm weirdly clever

i'll read poetry in my own voice under the grey sky cut open by leafless branches, because it's pretty

i'll dye my own hair and cut my own choppy bangs and i'll feel untouchable

i'll scream 'bohemian rhapsody' by myself driving down main street in the middle of the night

and i'll just wait for it to rain so i can catch in my mouth and pretend it was a kiss from the sky
somebody find me somebody to love <3
lol fvckin love queen <3
also... this is like... one of my favorite things i've written <3
ode to self love amiright <3

10.05.2021
basil Oct 5
i make these lists in my head
of my ideal partner
and i know that it's not fair or healthy
but i do it anyway

they have to wear jewelry and have their ears pierced
it would be good if they had a sense of anarchy
love of reading is a must, and they'd better read my suggestions
i want someone with a pretty voice
to read me poetry and sing duets with me in the car
speaking of, i'd like them to have a car
because i believe in the inherent romance of the passenger seat
i would steal the aux cord and blast the playlist that they made me

i want to love someone who loves things
who loves to love things
almost as much as i do

they have to love art, and it would be a plus if they made some
because i can't draw for sh*t, but i can look at paintings until i die
i want to go to art museums with them and symphonies and plays
we can sit in the cheapest seats and throw pennies instead of roses

god, i want someone with strong hands
that can hold me and i will just know that they want to
i want to love someone with dyed hair
so i can sit with them between my legs as i reapply the color
and have stains on my fingers for weeks
i want a poet, because i want to be immortalized
in raw phrases in a moleskin journal

but i just haven't met this person yet
i don't know if i ever will
****, not me trying to manifest my soulmate <//3

10.04.2021
basil Oct 2
i grow, but not like flowers toward a healing sun
i give up, but not like the kids in calculus
i love, but not enough for you to love me back

my teeth ache from clenching my jaw
my jaw aches from tensing my neck
my neck aches from sleeping on it wrong
my sleep aches from missing you
i miss you because you don't miss me
you don't miss me because i was never yours
i don't know why i was never yours

i wish my house had a basement
i wish this town had a lake

maybe my stories would be better if i could tell them right

i can't connect my thoughts these days.
i can't connect my own pieces together.
my heart is in my arms, holding you
my mind in some far off movie scene,
catching the rain on it's tongue
i gave my lungs away because i don't need them anymore
my blood evaporated on the surface of the moon

and your lips taste like **** and peppermint chapstick
mine taste like ultra violet monster energy and aluminum

but i don't love you, and it isn't poetic
basil Oct 1
this was never technically our song
but i only hear you when i listen to it
smoking in the dark

i found places to kiss
and you found a way to let me

i want to be mad at you for letting me

this is the first time i have let myself listen to this song since...
well, since i realized that you didn't have a song for us and i did

it sounds a little sadder than it's supposed to
and i know that's my fault
i let my heart bleed into it too much

i want someone to hold me
but for the first time in two years, i don't want it to be you
i think that's progress
but i'm sitting here with my earbuds in wanting to be held
while you stay up with her on the phone, later than you ever did with me

i hold myself and let it be enough
i make this my song instead of ours
and let it be enough
time change, we're different, but my mind still says redundant things. can i not think? will you love this part of me? my lover is, the day i can't forget.

**** i love that song. i'm ****** you ruined it. but more ****** that i let you. (i used the word 'let' a lot. don't psychoanalyze it too much)

09.30.2021
basil Sep 27
you wanted to kiss me
i just wanted to kiss
i feel guilty, but not enough i guess
i keep kissing
and you keep kissing me
i wish i could want you, but i just want to be with you. i probably shouldn't do this, but i need someone to want me right now. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

09.26.2021
basil Sep 25
you did nothing for me
and yet i'm still here immortalizing you
why can't i give it up?
i held on to loving you for so long
but now i'm just holding on to hating you

let me let go

all the poems i wrote you were exaggerations
to make up for the love you never gave me
i can admit that now

sure, the 'i love you's were on your lips
but your kisses tasted like, '*******'s

you never listened to me
you never listened to the songs i asked you to
you never set up your ******* voicemail

you broke up with me over text. while i was with my family. in utah. having panic attacks every day. telling you about them. see above: you never listened to me.

i'm sick. sick of you. sick of this.
you're over it. my mind is over it. why isn't my heart?

i'm done coming up with metaphors for you
for how much you took and never gave
i'm done making excuses for you, and taking the blame
and i'm not going to do the 'just friends' thing with you
if you're going to tell our friends to cut me off
and smile at me like nothing happened
smile like two years took nothing from you

and i guess they didn't
i don't want to even hate you, that's too much of my energy to give to you. I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET YOU **** ON ME FOR TWO YEARS. i must literally be psychotic. someone ******* hospitalize me omffg.

******* *******
Sep 23 · 426
two years is a long time
basil Sep 23
i broke my heart for you
and you don't even know my birthday
basil Sep 11
i want to drive with you at night
steal the aux cord from you after fighting about the music
and put on The 1975
cause baby i'd love it if we made it

i want to wrap your hair around my fingers
while you read to me from your book written by a dead russian guy
because everything sounds interesting in your voice
and i'm happy to be the crime to your punishment

i want to smoke with you in the sun
as you call me a bad influence
we can blur the edges between us
and call it poetry

i want you but i'm just a little too embarrassed to ask
if you want me too
one day i'll have the guts to do all this sh i t with you <3

09.11.2021
basil Sep 11
i wanna fall in love in october
so we can have a song written by girl in red
and pretend it was for us

but i'm falling and you're not
hahaaa im going to homecoming with this delinquent!!

09.10.2021
basil Sep 11
why do i always fall for the ones
that are unable to talk about their feelings
and get close without getting close to people
the ones with fires in their mouths
and ash in their eyes

maybe i have a passion for self destruction
by someone else's hand
or maybe i just have a kink for
people who empty me out
people who i empty myself out for

you didn't love me and i accepted it
because that's what i deserved
she doesn't love me either
but i don't want to accept it

because somehow by not loving me
you taught me that i deserve love
I LOVE U STEPHEN CHBOSKY !!!!

i also love u, delinquent. stop showing up in my dreams or i'll break ur kneecaps backwards <33

09.10.2021
Sep 9 · 139
internal monologue II
basil Sep 9
your comfort movie is three hours long
and it makes you cry so hard you get a headache,
but you watch it so much you have every line memorized.
does anything about that seem even a little bit healthy?

you think all of your friends find you annoying
but they don't want to hurt your feelings
so you don't go to them when you need to

it's so hard to belong anywhere
why don't you belong anywhere?

you've had this poem in your drafts for months
not knowing what to say
the other one was so bad
but it didn't really get that much better

i know you wanted it to get better

but i won't apologize
because i was ******* right

i won't get better until you do
and right now you just surround yourself with people
who don't want to love you all the way
and you do things that you know will leave you exhausted
because you think that people will want you
if you just did more things
do you see where this is going?

because i can tell you that you're going to end up burned out
and full of regret so heavy that you'll drown
i can say over and over again that you're wasting your time
and everyone else's time

and i'd be right
because you're doing everything for the wrong reasons
you're keeping people around for the wrong reasons

but i can't do anything
because i'm just the sick ******* in your head
putting you through hell
so it doesn't seem as bad when you get there

you don't have to listen to me
but i can see the ******* future

and you don't get better until i do
and right now the people that surround you
don't love to want you all the way
and you exhaust things that you know will leave you
because you do things
that people think of wanting

do i see where this is going?
dude idfk. i kinda just wanna get high off my *** rn.

08.20.2021
Aug 31 · 239
fuck; a haiku
basil Aug 31
i might ask her to
go to homecoming with me
but what if she says
AAAAHHHHAAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
dude but rlly like... what if she says???????
****, i think i'm rlly ****** falling for u, delinquent
basil Aug 31
More than just a dream
More than just a dream

40 days and 40 nights
I waited for a girl like you to come and save my life
All the days I waited for you
You know the ones who said I'd never find someone like you
'Cause you were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream

You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

From time to time I pinch myself
Because I think my girl mistakes me for somebody else
And every time she takes my hand
All the wonders that remain
Become a simple fact
That you were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream
You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

You were out of my league
All the things I believed
You were just the right kind
Yeah, you were more than just a dream
You were out of my league
Got my heartbeat racing
If I die, don't wake me
'Cause you are more than just a dream

More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
(More than, more than)
More than just a dream
maybe it's overplayed or overrated or whatever, but today it reminded me of u :))

might ask u to homecoming, delinquent <3
BET
Aug 26 · 734
communication (pt. 2)
basil Aug 26
maybe if i could show people
the poems i wrote about them
i wouldn't need to write them at all
08.25.2021
Aug 22 · 417
dinosaurs
basil Aug 22
we burn the skeletons
of creatures buried deeper than
the fallen stars that took them
pouring them into our automobiles
so they can take us to the places they roamed

skeletons can't talk
but we tell their stories amidst the quiet
they left us

i wonder if we got them right
my ode to the dinosaurs :))

08.22.2021
basil Aug 21
i can't look at anyone with purple hair without seeing you
even though you dyed it silver just before you.... before we.... yeah
it *****, but i'd rather see you in people that aren't you
than not see the you that you aren't when i look at your face

that makes no sense

i keep confusing the you that you showed me
with the you that i made up
and i still don't know which one loved me

but i know it is 'loved'
past tense

i'm pretty sure it was past tense
even before you sent me that text
oh god, that text

i didn't know a heart could shatter so slowly
and yet completely all at once;
like an ice cube that cracks as soon as it hits the water
but takes hours to fully melt

i hear you in all the songs we used to listen to together
and these days, that's most songs i play
even though i finally mustered up the will to delete the playlist i made for you

it was just a part of the melting
so i guess i'm writing love poems and breakup poems at the same time. god, if i had a therapist this would be a fun conversation xD

i miss the **** out of u, blue eyes. but also idk if i can see u rn cuz i wouldn't be able to not kiss ur face. or i would. and idk what is worse atm.

08.20.2021
basil Aug 21
you connected the freckles on my arms
with your calligraphy pen
like they were constellations
and i was the night sky

your hand held my arms still as you inked them
and i stopped breathing and started breathing faster at the same time
my mind couldn't remind my head not to fall in love
and my heart was beating in my arms
right under your hand
right under your pen

but the illusion shatters when you say,
don't worry, i torment gwen like this all the time

and i wish it didn't
because ap government is dismal
there's too much reality in there
and i just want to be wrapped up in the idea of you

but that's not fair
so i just stare at the constellations you made of me
and wish they meant something
as i try to stop getting so dizzy around you

i tell myself it works
i think i need to like... "be in love" as a defence mechanism. which sounds weird, ik. it's probably abandonment issues or smth lol.

anyway, if this ******* keeps making me love her i'm going to break her kneecaps backwards <3

08.20.2021
Aug 17 · 335
what i won't say
basil Aug 17

you took my hat off and wore it
it looked better on you
you took my shoelaces and
tied them around your wrists like bracelets
i wanted to hold your hands

you showed me your poem
something a little dark, but i liked it
and you always tell me what book you're reading
you tell me to watch your favorite animes
even though it's been years since i've watched anything at all
i watch them all as if they will show me the world through your eyes

i thought i was special but i learned you do that with everyone
you told me a list of her favorite anime characters from memory
you told everyone in ap government the books you were reading

my shoelaces weren't even the only ones you stole
i wish i could stop pretending i mean something to you

i wish i meant something to you

u can't just give me a beaded ring and expect me not to fall in love with you, *******

08.16.2021
Aug 17 · 784
insecurity
basil Aug 17
she told me you cried over me
and i was surprised

i hate that
*****. i still love you <3
now get out of my dreams u ******* simp ;)

08.16.2021
Aug 17 · 747
trauma; a haiku
basil Aug 17
i get over things
right away. i'll never get
over anything
processing things is a ******* roller coaster and i just wanna get off this ride. rip.

08.16.2021
basil Aug 17
i wear a bracelet i made
with rainbow beads around letters that spell out
"g a t s b y"
because we're both gay as ****
and i think i'm funny

you asked me if there was a
"n i c k"
pointing to my wrist
and i just blushed as i realized what you meant

because i wish it was you
i want you to be the nick to my gatsby
**** ******* STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU *******!!

08.16.2021
Aug 13 · 242
ap government crush
basil Aug 13
i realized in ap government.
as you defended your argument with those sharp but elegant hand gestures you do.

you aren't even the most convincing speaker (you talk sososo fast)
but i was convinced. i would do whatever you said.

i felt like i was submerged in warm water, everything moving to the rhythm of you. i couldn't even say a word to you for the rest of class; i was so dizzy.
my head swirling with imaginary tales of what it would be like
to love you.

but i look you in the eyes and the water gets cold.
yours are brown, but they look at me just as empty as her blue ones did.

and i don't have another two years to spend loving someone more than they love me.

so i'll sit with you in ap government and get a little dizzy when you talk. i'll pretend it's because i didn't eat lunch.
so..... i have a crush <3
Aug 7 · 829
bubble wrap
basil Aug 7
i love people too much
but i won't let them know me
because i'm afraid

that they will love me back
08.06.2021
basil Aug 7
you didn't blow up my world. you didn't. losing you didn't feel like the apocalypse and there's no way i'm crying over you. two years of holding your calloused hands in mine wasn't the highlight of my life. seeing your hair fade from deep rich shades of purple to a light airy lavender never made my heart stop. i can't even remember how many times i had to remind myself that you were even mine. because you wouldn't do it for me.

i learned how much you love to hold on. your knuckles are white. your room is full to bursting with little useless things and i never once wondered why you don't throw them away. you don't know me better than i know myself. i can't pick you out from a crowd and right now i don't want to. the fact that you broke up with me over text doesn't bother me anymore. or at least that's the story i'm going with this time. i already forgot the exact words you said.

you didn't blow up my world, you tilted it on it's axis. the day i lost you was the day the world kept going on without me instead of ending like it was supposed to. i can't cry over you because i can't even breathe. years with you have shown me that my life is all highlighted. you make even my broken childhood feel like a dream. the ever shifting color of your hair never stopped my heart because it could only go faster and faster to keep pace with your laugh as i twisted it around my fingers. you never reminded me in words, you did it with your sure steady gaze as you walked me all the way to the end of your driveway when i had to go.

you love holding on to broken things because you're worried that no one else will love them. that's why you held on to me. and you will never know me like i know me because you always believed me to be better than i am. you made me see the light in myself even after i called myself a black hole. i see you in every place we used to share and i don't ever want to pick you from a crowd because i'm scared i'll run to you. i don't remember what you said when you let me go because i'm still holding on. my knuckles are white too.

and i'm so sorry that i don't hate you
i'll always love you blue eyes. and i'll never delete these poems cuz i'm a ******* *******. have fun without me and stop showing up in my dreams <3

(yeah this is a parody of 'a really, really ****** love letter' and i have no regrets)

08.06.2021
basil Aug 6
i told you my mom said no before i even asked her
though it wasn't because i didn't want to go
i just knew asking wouldn't change a **** thing
and my chest can't take the water today

black lipstick in my room
i wear it for the mirror and i hope she likes it
i don't know how to wear eyeliner
but i still wish you could see how it brings out the sin in my eyes
and my eyes wish they could see your sins tonight

i'll read about them in grey conversations
as your contact photo smiles at me
that smile is too small to be my whole world
but i'm afraid if i lose it, the earth might stop turning

sometimes the earth feels no bigger than my bedroom
and sometimes i can hear every mile outside my window
like the booming music of a party i wasn't invited to

my walls are as bare as my journal
since my mom broke in and saw her worst fears in ink
i don't have any pictures of you because they would be stolen
along with the things i forced myself to stop caring about
as a self defence mechanism

i can't love you in this house
but i can't leave
and when i do the memories will cling to me
like cobwebs in a place that hasn't been loved for too long

i wonder if i'll ever be able to shake these thoughts from my head
overprotective parents check :P
Jun 17 · 230
dear blue eyes,
basil Jun 17
i miss the idea of you a little.
is that wrong to say?
i miss it when i could look at you and imagine what it would be like to make you laugh.
i miss memorizing your routes to class and pretending that we just happened to cross paths.
i'd smile at you without meaning to, trying to take my heart off of my sleeve.

i miss crushing on you a little.
the same way you miss breaking curfew.
but now we're all just so tired.

i just want you to kiss me and say it's okay. say it's okay that i miss my imaginary you. because i miss the real you more.

love,
grey eyes
it's stupid how much i miss you, blue eyes. really, really stupid.

14.12.2020
Apr 26 · 241
nose-blind
basil Apr 26
you told me i smell like a mix of my vanilla bean chapstic and sin
a combination of caring too much and the smoke i just had
just the right balance between sweet and unholy

but i still smell only dryer sheets
teach me to recognize myself through your eyes

25.04.2021
basil Apr 26
adults make me scared of
becoming two dimentional

is this my last year
of seeing in color?

if my eyes start to look like yours,
all lifeless and disappointed

i'd rather die young
go get some Love Life juice

25.04.2021
Apr 22 · 221
smth
basil Apr 22
i haven't watched les miserables recently
maybe that means i'm happy

or maybe i'm just tired
**** idfk maybe i am just to tired to be happy
Apr 9 · 222
untitled pt. 1
basil Apr 9
i.
every moment with you
feels like another memory
to keep me warm at night
when you leave again

ii.
every jacket i take
loses it's 'you' scent a little faster
or maybe you just stay away longer this time

leaving me with a jacket smelling like my empty room  

iii.
memories and jackets and "this number has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet"
you have spent more time in my dreams than in my arms
this isn't how i thought love would be
Apr 4 · 349
yeah-yuh (fantasizing)
basil Apr 4
we were on the phone really late
and i'd rather hear your voice next to me
but this will have to be close enough

the conversation lulled as we both started to yawn
and i hoped after we said goodbye you'd dream of me

we said goodnight and you said 'i love you' first, this time
i said 'i love you, too' with a smile encasing my whole body
and you said 'yeah-yuh'
like me loving you too meant you won the jackpot

and i have never felt more like gold
u make me feel like a million bucks, babe <3

(the title is a play on yeah (fantasizing) by boy pablo--which u should totally listen to <3--but actually it was more clever in my head lmaooo anyway pls go drink some water :)))
basil Mar 28
i read and reread telling myself i'm checking for grammatical errors
but really i'm just trying to get a glimpse into myself

i never quite meet my own eyes between the lines
and i wonder if it's even me behind the words
or just a keyboard trying to make sense of itself

i paint things gold quite often,
does that mean i hide my problems behind shiny coats of denile?

i overuse the word rot,
does that mean i'm just waiting to decompose, eaten by the mold of my own terrible decisions?

i used to say bones more than i said love,
does that mean i feel like a skeleton without a heart or soul? or maybe love is what wore me down till i was bare;

i used to say love more

it's like flicking through my old playlists

why do i only write when i feel like hiding? or rot? or bones?
i wish i could write when i felt like flying. or music. or even just

human

i graze the comments with a loving hand
thinking of all the people that broke in the same places
thinking of everyone feeling like rotten bones, hiding from their demons
and clinging to the hope that it was sympathy and not empathy
that brought them close to my wilting garden of poems

i hope

and every tear stained poem blends into the next
the ink bleeding

i look at the scars on my fingers and i see myself
i listen to my voice singing songs from an old playlist and i see myself
i feel the flesh covering my bones and i see myself

and i don't write it down
Mar 28 · 1.1k
dandelion hearts pt.1
basil Mar 28
the knives that slit the dandelions from your fingers
cut into my sleep and burn the insides of my eyelids black
i know it isn't the same hurt, but that hurts more
all i wanted was to paint your fingertips gold
but they bleed red rose petals in my nightmares and
wake me too late

the memories draping over your face like a bridal veil
don't hide your tears from me
please let me take them from your head
your past has an ugly face
full of broken promises that made a little girl grow old too fast
don't keep your pain in your pockets in place of your dandelions

i know this is why i learned how to sew
at the time i thought it was so i could quilt my thoughts together
in a way that made sense
but seeing your bleeding fingers in my dreams made me realize
that my needle wasn't for the fabric i bought
it was for skin and bone and bleeding hearts that mean more to me than gold
i'll fight your demons with my fists as long as you promise to wear the flower crown i made you <3
basil Mar 5
my smiles have been glowing and holding in my *****
so i wanted to read a pretty little sonnet
gasping and choking on laughter mottled by blood
the words come in tears, the poems in a flood
it's been ages since i cried, i was doing so well
but every sad poem brought back my screams of hell

my demons didn't go away, i just painted them gold
and i'd be fooling myself saying i had a hand to hold
life is a joke, who gives a ****?
it's just a mix of bad timing and luck
so i kept laughing and choking and holding my own hand
remembering some song from my new old favorite band

telling me love is a labor and to slave 'till the end
swinging life away with scars and a friend
so i didn't have to read a happy poem today
i just had to write one and send it your way
so smile with me, break open your face
'cause life is just a vat marked toxic waste
man, i thought i was in a tragedy drama, when it was really just a ******* sitcom all along.

also, i haven't rhymed in a long time, so sorry for ******* :))

also also, song mentioned: swing life away by rise against. give it a listen maybe **
basil Feb 21
you didn't blow up my world. you didn't. sparks didn't fly in every direction when i saw your face for the first time. your hair had blue tips that were fading fast and i didn't think i was in love. i just thought you looked like a picture someone had left in the sun for too long. and everything about you confirmed it: that you soaked in things that drained the life out of you.

i can't even say that you are my world. you're not. you aren't my missing piece and nothing about you could ever make me whole. you are broken and bruised in so many places that i can't tell if your spirit is black and purple or you just tell people that so they don't offer you any more band aids. i wish i could say that i wouldn't do that, but i want so badly to paint you gold that i might do something stupid, like make you smile instead of cry.

you didn't blow up my world, you just tilted it on it's axis. sparks didn't fly because they were too busy pushing the breath back into my lungs. you took it away when you were soaking in your own laughter. a laugh that i can't say is mine because i'm laughing too. you don't fill me up, you overflow. i'm just lucky to catch some of your drops in my own overflowing cup. your black and purple soul that splinters into a million pieces just to put itself back together again would never look as good in gold. dark matter has no use for a little aurum. because you are a galaxy, my love.

a galaxy right next to mine, and when they met... let me tell you, you didn't blow up my world. you just tilted it on its axis. you gave the colors bigger names and the flowers brighter colors. the sky dances at night and my dreams are full of yours. and i like the view.
i love you blue eyes <3
basil Feb 9
i used to think fireflies were just in the movies
because we don't get enough rain here
the first firefly i ever saw took my breath away
and has had it ever since

i used to think snow was just in the movies
because we don't get enough rain here
the first snowflake i ever caught on my tongue gave me goosebumps
and it let me keep them

i used to think magic was just in the movies
because we don't get enough love here
but the first time you kissed my lips, you turned my world on it's axis
and it never quite turned back
come back when you need a little magic <3

02.09.2021
Feb 6 · 457
toothache
basil Feb 6
when i cradle your face in my dreams
tears slip over my knuckles
we both feel the miles between us like knives
playing on our veins like harp strings

but i wake up to haze and ***** laundry
no missed calls from you
besides, you told me the last time you cried
was when you finished that anime we don't talk about, anymore
so i keep my weeping between me and the moon
as i miss you harder than i clench my jaw at night

i wake up with my teeth aching
almost as much as my chest
i miss you more, blue eyes.
Feb 6 · 446
muse(ings)
basil Feb 6
sometimes i read my poems to find the person behind all these lucid dreams
but i get lost in the secondhand smoke of all these apologies
getting high on delusional compromises

maybe theres nobody there, maybe there never was

but i can see your eyes through the sticky haze, made of sky and ecstacy
they look through me, seeing the worlds i gave to you
worshippers kiss all the skin i used to

but its my name on their lips
is it better? that i immortalized you without your name attached? that my name has nothing behind it but the memories of you?
Feb 6 · 175
casa
basil Feb 6
your mother tongue never needed to distinguish between
house and home
i miss you every day, maria </3
Feb 3 · 379
stop signs
basil Feb 3
i.
we both want to get rid of our last names.
maybe that was a sign.

ii.
we always talked about faking our deaths together
curled up on your couch when everyone was
sleeping. i hope you remember what my desperation
tasted like. at midnight i had to go.
like cinderella. but it was wintertime and the pumpkins
were moldy. you never came to my door with a shoe or a question.
maybe that was a sign.

iii.
you chased after her when i was sitting patiently at your feet.
she was joking about an anime i hadn't watched
and you got mad. the joking mad that makes you laugh until
you're red. the way you never got with me. maybe
scared that i'd run. the way you did after her. i know i shouldn't be
jealous, but.
maybe that was a sign.

iv.
i asked you what flavour i would be and you said
raspberry. i never tasted them the same again. you didn't ask me
to tell  you which you'd be, but i told you mango anyway.
who ever heard of a raspberry mango smoothie? one day i
made one. just to see what we tasted like. i could only pick out the
raspberries.
maybe that was a sign.

v.
you got a tarot reading from someone else. i tried not to be hurt, but you never wanted one from me. i was too cut up to ever
ask you why.
you told me what your cards said, and none of them were about me. i guess it's selfish.
but mine are always about you. god, do you even know
how much you break me? i must be addicted to it
because i stay. i stay and stay and stay
even when you get another tarot reading from her.
maybe that was a sign.

vi.
i always texted first. always.
maybe that was a sign.

vii.
i'm the one writing all these poems about you. like we're broken up. you never said the words, and neither did i.
but i'll never forget what the moon told me late that night
when you didn't linger at my door. half past midnight.
i try not to read too much into it, but.
maybe it was a sign.
i'm an overthinking ***** :))

i love you blue eyes. please stop letting me write these stupid poems about you. it really doesn't do me any good.
Feb 1 · 675
desculpa
basil Feb 1
i watched your hair grey
before i learned your mother tongue

you were filled with all the warmth of the brazilian sun
but i can't form the words to tell you that

eu espero que vocé me perdoe
my stupid keyboard put the wrong accent over the e in 'voce' which is ironic. it would be funny if i wasn't so sad.

i miss you, maria </3
Jan 24 · 285
gaslights
basil Jan 24
no one salts my wounds like you
lemonjuice pouring from your eyes
your tongue dripping with expired syrup meant to fill me with ash and guilt

apologies bleed from the aching cuts you made
but you add another skeleton to the closet
and steal away the trusting stars in my eyes
blaming them too

i wish i could look at the sky, but all i see is smoke
from all my fires
you tried to put out with gasoline
worst part: if you read this, you won't even think it's about you
basil Jan 20
candles burn slowly
but paper burns all at once
i gather up the letters i never sent you
in my charred fingers
the scent of blood and embers
coating my breath like a chord progression

the ink that spilled from my pen so freely
melts just as painless
and through my graphite tainted tears
i hear your name in my voice
and see your skin in the fading sunlight on all hallows eve
so radiant against the decaying trees
you wouldn't let me take a photograph but
i didn't need to. i didn't need to.
i'll always remember you swathed in the golden flames
falling from the sky

the letters are really burning, now,
reminding me of how hot your skin is to the touch
no. now i can feel you under my fingertips
as i tell you about how dead serious i am about faking my death
and moving to the woods
you look so, so alive
at the prospect of pretending to die
and it's then that i realized, that you've been pretending to live
for a long, long time

and i laugh
my teeth flickering yellow with each dance of the kindling
a smile stolen from a memory
and i know that is all i will have of you
just journal entries and photos that i'll never be able to burn
like these letters
because these were just ideas of you
that floated in my head before i could make you laugh
before i memorized the way you smell in the winter
when a fire burns in your house

a fire so much warmer than this one
i put the flame out with an old shirt. how fitting.
Next page