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always anxious Dec 2018
I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.

I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.

Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.

Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.

I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.

I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.

It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.

It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.

I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.

They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?

I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...
I suffer from tourettes syndrome. This poem is written about how it feels to have a tic attack
- an unknown length of time filled with constant tics. It can last anywhere from 2 minutes to 24 hours.
Nathan Tuy Jun 2018
Another word gets lost in my throat,
Ravaged by the blindness
That my heart conjured up.
All I can hear is the devil
Whispering into my ear,
Saying “just one more” amidst the white noise of a room of a hundred people.
Every letter starts dissolving
Into my coffee,
Slowly drifting away into the meaningless impulse.
My lungs are congested,
Carrying all the lust I smoked.
There’s a black plastic bag around my head,
Defying all the rules of the universe,
Making sure that I see nothing
But numbers and words and
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Whatever you call that is.
Alexis G May 2018
Pop
“Pop”

My hands are out of control,
my mouth is going POP-PPP!
Anxiety is swallowing me whole,
and my mind is a hole I’m trapped in.

You’re just doing that.
You’re copying, mimicking, mocking.
Nothing is wrong with you.
No, no, no. Nothing.
Pop.

I can’t tell anyone but two.
I’m alone and scared and shaking.
Anxiety is making it (POP) worse.
My hands are flying and I’m crying,
and I know I’ll go and research.

Tics can be verbal or physical.
POP, Wax, arms and wrists, clap, shake. Pain.
Words like anxiety, chronic, syndrome, POP out at me.
Symptoms call me down to two tic disorders.
And until my parents belive me, I’m falling, falling, falling,
Falling into anxiety’s cold grasp.


Pop.
Ranae Mar 2018
When I weep I remember
Unplucked eyelashes
Arms free from scars
Boxes full of bandages
Bottles full of pills

I remember
Unbitten nails
The skin on my
Elbows
Knees
Lips

When I weep
I mourn the pieces of me
My past poisoned
Ranae Mar 2018
I am a clock
Counting eternity
Tick tock
Tick tock
tic
Wicked Mar 2018
I twitch
I shout
Without thinking
I move
I make noise

I don’t have any control

I ****
I yelp
Without thinking
I flick
I whimper

I never had control

I jump
I yell
Without thinking
I twist
I scream

I’ll never have control
Wicked Mar 2018
I wake up
        head ****
        shoulder roll
        tongue click
I get ready for school
        head ****
        head ****
        groan
I get on the bus
        oi
        whimper
I put on my headphones
        arm ****
People stare
        oi
I suppress
        They build
The minutes drag on
        Like an itch they can’t be ignored
The bus can’t go fast enough
        They’re pushing up
We arrive at school
        They’re going to escape
I run off the bus
        They begin to explode
        head ****
        arm ****
I distance myself from the students
        oi
        arm ****
        head ****
        head ****
        groan
        tongue click
        tongue click
        whimper
They stare
        shoulder roll
        arm ****
        shoulder roll
        whimper
        oi
        oi
Everyday I tic and twitch
A homage to my everyday struggles living with Tourettes Syndrome. Tourettes is a chronic condition where you have involuntary movements and make involuntary noises.
cap decisions
let me decide
look at me
little
girl
am
i
crazy looking enough
she spat at me

that wasn't very nice
she spat again
direct
hit

she wasn't
an
little girl
she
had big spit

she thought we would quit
we just wiped it off
with
an
lick

she smiled
pulled
an
knife

she lunged forward
my heart
oh
my
heart

now my death
is
my
welding
?
























...
..
.
watches watching
searching
for
...
..
.
Luna Casablanca Feb 2016
I miss you so horribly I have a heartache just to hear your voice.
I want you so badly I get sad just remembering how you used to wait for me.
Then you ran away.
This distance put you in better shape and gave you a better mind, a better girl, and a perfect life.
You were the best part of that day.
I shook and couldn't sleep all night just knowing someone liked me the way I was.
The way I was got to be too much for you to see and hear.
You are gone. Never thought I'd have to put it in words.
My words were threats and power to you.
Every other man down brings me back to you.
You are one of not that many who liked me the way I was.
I hate living with myself and having my baggage to carry,
So it's you who gets to be gone,
and you who gets love.
I'm not fighting for her to be me, since birth I've been fighting to be loved for the way I was.
But I know deep inside you were never phased to begin with.
That's why.
It's rare to find someone who accepts my differences. So it makes it hard to get over men who show interest.
Adria Maria Dec 2015
Ten snorts, six twitches and four eye squints later
Despair starts kicking in.
I've lost control of my body again.
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