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Nov 2020 · 101
Lost Children
Kristina Nov 2020
I'm one of those.
Left behind as a child,
still struggling to find a home
for my tears
for my feelings
for my pain
for my joy.

I'm one of those.
Being chained down as a child,
still fighting to break free
from my insecurities
from my fear
from my silence
from my shame.

I'm one of those.
Silenced when I was a child,
still trying to find my voice to tell you
all my stories
all my emotions
all my thoughts
all my loneliness.

I'm one of those.
I'm one of the lost children.
Nov 2020 · 186
Maybe we
Kristina Nov 2020
I will never be everything for him.
He will never be everything for me.
I will never be able to heal his scars.
He will never be able to take away my pain.
I will never be able to soothe his insecurities.
He will never be able to dry all my tears.

We will never be able to change the past.
But we are able to change our future.

We don't have to be everything.
'Cause we are enough.
Enough for each other.
Kristina Oct 2020
If all the clocks stood still for a whole day I'd pack my bags and take a walk.

As I leave the house I don't check my mail 'cause nobody could reach me anyway this day. I walk down the streets, breathe in the clean air and listen to the sound of silence since there are no cars or people around.

A song forms in my mind, which I sing while walking down my path alone. I reach the park next to my home and look around. Noone's there except the wind fondling the trees and bushes. A few yellow flowers are growing on the meadow, not wondering why they are even there.

I keep on walking, reach a huge square that's totally empty. I pull some chalk out of my backpack and begin drawing on the ground. I take my time drawing while admiring the place in a way I've never been able to before due to all the people and noise.

"Love is the answer, not matter what you're asking.", is written there now for everyone to see. I leave the place, walking on, taking down flags, posters and stickers of fascists and racists on my way, replacing them with rainbows and hearts.

Until the sun sets, I keep walking around, tearing down signs of hatred and building those of love.

As midnight draws nearer I sit down in the park I visited first this day, watching the world starting up again. It starts with clocks ticking, birds singing, the growing sound of voices and vehicles. The others are waking up again, hopefully to notice the traces I've left behind, maybe wonder and think about them.

I hope to have changed anything on this one day I had as my time stops and I fade away leaving a small share of silence.
Finally my clock stood still.
Oct 2020 · 228
Home
Kristina Oct 2020
I'm searching for a place to come home to.
A place that is calm and warm,
a place to feel safe in
after a long day out there.

After a day in the cold world,
filled with empty and silent people,
filled with silence that screams
and an emptiness that's crushing.

I'm searching for a person to come home to.
A person that is protective and loving,
a person to feel safe with
during a long day out there.

Fighting with me against this world,
not letting it steal our inner beauty,
not letting it take away our words,
so we don't become empty and silent.

I thought I could find it with you.
But I was wrong.
Oct 2020 · 58
Fall asleep
Kristina Oct 2020
Maybe I could fall asleep in your arms.

Maybe that would silence the voices in my head.
Maybe that would take away the feeling of loneliness.

Maybe I could fall asleep in your arms.
Maybe.
Oct 2020 · 94
Spook Spook
Kristina Oct 2020
Depression
is like Spooktober
all the time
except
the funny memes
and decoration.
Oct 2020 · 249
Self Care
Kristina Oct 2020
It isn't just good music, long baths and good food.

Salf Care is

bearing yourself crying for several hours,
saving yourself from hyperventilating,
drying your tears
and watch them flow again a few minutes later;

taking a shower,
eating healthy and enough food,
not fighting your feelings just to function again
but let them be and deal with them;

talking to a friend,
hearing somebody's voice,
making that call you should have made days ago
but were too afraid of;

going to bed early,
getting up the next morning,
searching for the beauty in your daily life
although it's horribly hard to find something right now.

Self Care ist like giving yourself a long hug,
pulling yourself up,
and telling yourself it's not to late to fight and fix it.
Oct 2020 · 643
37
Kristina Oct 2020
37
My wrath is massive.
To not hurt anyone
I keep it locked away.

Now the only one who's hurt by it
is me.
Sep 2020 · 187
Not gonna survive
Kristina Sep 2020
Before giving in
to a world that is corrupt,
betraying my ideals
and selling my morality

I'd rather fight
to keep them protected
while I take one step closer to the end
every day.

I'm not gonna survive
by selling myself out.
Sep 2020 · 693
What if
Kristina Sep 2020
What if
we were all once made
to shine
like the stars
in the sky?

What if
we were meant
to be beautiful?

What if
we were light?

But then
we got
corrupted.

What if?
Sep 2020 · 165
Sewing Pages
Kristina Sep 2020
Thoughts racing,
trying to fill another page of this book with my story,
sewing in new sheets of paper to build some space.
Space between me and the page saying
The End.

Turning the pages, looking back at some from many years ago.
I read about a little girl, happily exploring the world.
She doesn't know about pain or despair.
Just look at her glowing eyes.

Progressing in the story, a few years later.
I watch a little girl, crying, covered by the blanket.
She doesn't want others to see, 'cause they'll just laugh anyway.
In her home, she has no room.
The whole house is filled with her father yelling.
The whole house is filled with her mother crying.
The only place for her sorrow is deep inside herself.
Just look at her puffy eyes.

Skipping a few chapters, years of searching and hoping.
I hear a little girl, laughing loud.
Nobody heard her screams when she needed them.
At least, when she's being loud, they notice her.
Being lost and out of control she hurts others.
When they scold her, they look at her.
Just look at her pleading eyes.

Going through pages of her trying to understand what she's done.
I hear a little girl swearing she'll never hurt anybody else.
She'd rather hurt herself to cope with the severe cold of this world.
So she builds a wall to keep everyone out,
to trap the wrath inside.
But she forgot the fear was already there.
Just look at her empty eyes.

Flipping the pages to read the ones from a few weeks ago.
I see a little girl drowning in tears and self doubt.
Apparently the wall she built long time ago is still standing strong.
A lot of 'Wanted' posters are hung on it from both sides,
but neither can reach through.
Just look at her anxious eyes.

I'm sitting here crying,
hoping my tears will wash away the letters on these pages.
But they won't.

So I'll keep on sewing pages.
Hoping one day I'll read the one about a girl who's come home.
About a girl who tore down the wall,
about a girl who built a place in a house to live in.
Until then I hope to have enough strength to put
space between me and the page saying
The End.
Sep 2020 · 52
Am I
Kristina Sep 2020
even
the
main
character
of
my
own
story
?
Aug 2020 · 713
Life
Kristina Aug 2020
to me
is the constant feeling
of losing something
I don't even
have.
Aug 2020 · 40
Mayday
Kristina Aug 2020
Mayday mayday
The waves are getting higher
the ship's filling with water.

Mayday mayday
I should call for help
but nobody would listen anyway.

Mayday mayday
They never heard
'cause I never called.

What a shame.
Aug 2020 · 45
.
Kristina Aug 2020
.
If I ever find you
how do I expect
you to love me
if I can't even
do that myself?
Aug 2020 · 38
You
Kristina Aug 2020
You
I miss you.

I miss your voice.
I miss your smell.

I miss the small wrinkles around your eyes
when you smile.
I miss your hand brushing my hair out of my face
when looking at me.

I miss you laughing.
I miss you smiling.

I miss crying in your arms.
I miss your soft tears
crying for all the lost souls in this world.

I miss you 'cause you are everything to me.
I miss you 'cause I trust you.
I miss you 'cause I love you.

I miss you 'cause we save each other.
I miss you 'cause you are everything to me.

.

And that is why I'll never find you.
Lately I've been feeling horribly lonely and all I can do is cry and wish to find you.
Aug 2020 · 151
Watch me drown
Kristina Aug 2020
Tears
rolling down my cheeks.

Tears
rolling down my chin.

Tears,
voiceless screams.

Tears,
colorless blood.

Tears,
please cover me.

Tears,
please drown me!
Aug 2020 · 98
Who you are
Kristina Aug 2020
'Yeah sorry, that's just who I am.', you say
as I explain why your behaviour hurt me.
'Yeah sorry, that's just who I am.', you say
as I explain how I feel about what happened.
'Yeah sorry, that's just who I am.', you say
as I explain why I distanced myself from you.

It's not who you are, it's how you behave!


'Yeah sorry, it's cause I'm an ******* sometimes.' you say
as I ask why you treat me like this.
'Yeah sorry, it's cause I'm an ******* sometimes.' you say
as I ask why you theat others like this.
'Yeah sorry, it's cause I'm an ******* sometimes.' you say
as I ask why you still can't see why I feel hurt.

You're not an *******, but you behave like one!


'Yeah sorry, but it's tiring me to talk about it.' you say
as I try to find a way we both are happy with.
'Yeah sorry, but it's tiring me to talk about it.' you say
as I try to find a way to make us understand each other.
'Yeah sorry, but it's tiring me to talk about it.' you say
as I try to find a reason to hold on to you.

You're not tired, you just don't wanna fix anything!


So you took the cheap way out.
Telling me, you don't wanna talk.
I shouldn't stress about it.
We should just get along.
But how can we?


Yeah sorry, keep your lame excuses and walk your path,
but remember, your choice paved the way for me.
Yeah sorry, keep your lame excuses and walk your path,
but remember, your choice made me walk away.
Yeah sorry, keep your lame excuses and walk your path,
but remember, your choice drove me away.


Keep on taking the cheap way out.
Keep on telling me, you don't wanna talk.
I won't stress about it.
'Cause we won't get along.
But maybe we could have?


Yeah sorry, that's just who you are.
Aug 2020 · 164
Normal
Kristina Aug 2020
Normal
is a construct
used by the middle class
to structure
things they don't understand
in order
for them
to justify
hiding in their
perfect world bubbles.

Normal
is a construct
that makes them
feel safe.

I'm not normal.
You're not normal.

Let's crash their bubble!
Aug 2020 · 215
Voice without a sound
Kristina Aug 2020
I grew up in a place where I had no voice.
My voice was so quiet,
The surroundings were so loud,
so I vanished

A voice that can't be heard.
Does it even exist?
Should it even exist?
so i vanished

: grew up in a place where : had no existance.
: was so small,
My surroundings were so big,
so : vanished

An existance that can't be seen.
Does it even exist?
Should it even exist?
so . vanished

What does    voice sound like?
What does    existence feel like?
  don't know.
May 2020 · 172
Someone. Someday
Kristina May 2020
I'm tired.
I'm tired of running towards
the same closed door every time.
You closed it
and I am unable to open it.
I tried
and it hurt.

I'm disheartened.
I'm disheartened from crashing against
the same huge wall every time.
You built it
and I am unable to climb it.
I tried
and it stung.

I'm sick.
I'm sick of racing after
the same fast car every time.
You drive it
and I am unable to catch up.
I tried
and it pained.

I'm sick and tired of trying,
of hurting
of the sting
of pain.
I'm sick and tired,
but I won't give up.

'Cause maybe one day
someone will open their door for me,
someone will help me climb their wall,
someone will stop and wait for me.
I won't give up.
Someone will.
Someday.
May 2020 · 90
Shoot
Kristina May 2020
Shoot a bullet.
Shoot a bullet right through my heart
so it will stop beating.
Shoot a bullet right through my brain
so my thoughts stop racing.
Shoot a bullet at me
so I will stop feeling
so I will stop hurting
So I will stop trying.
Shoot a bullet.
Shoot it now.
Kristina Apr 2020
I know you are here.
I can hear you.
I know you can hear me.
You hear it, right?
You hear the void.
The void, that's screaming so loud you have to hear it.

It's telling me 'You are lonely.'
Lonely.

It's telling me 'He is gone.'
Gone.

Him.
Do you know him?
I don't know since when you are here.
Before it was too loud, too loud to hear.

Before.
I hear you since the void has come.
Before the void there was him.

Him.
He was everything.
He was darkness, he was light.
In the void there is no light, no darkness, no him.

You can not see the void.
You can not hear it.
But you feel it is real.
It is real, it is in me.
It is screaming to my face.
It is calling for him.
It does not want to be.
It wants him to still be here.
I want him to still be here.

Him.
I am searching for him.

Where is he?
Why has he gone there?
Do you know, why he did?
Do you know, where he is?
Do you know, who I am?

I am it.
I am him.
I am a part of you.
I am nothing.
I am screaming.
Apr 2020 · 63
Words
Kristina Apr 2020
You can't give words to others, if you've got none to yourself.

Words need time
Words need silence
Slow words bring truth.
Fast words often bring pain.
Take your time for your words.
Take your time for your actions.
Take your actions for your time.
Let your time grow.
Let your words grow in it.
Then you've got words for yourself.
Then you've got words for others.
Words filled with time.
Words filled with hope.
I somehow like the shape of this one
Apr 2020 · 95
The Answer
Kristina Apr 2020
I want
I want to need and be needed.
I want to forgive and be forgiven.
I want to understand and be understood.
I want to give and be given.

I want
I want to fight and be fought.
I want to criticize and be criticized.
I want to leave and be left.
I want to improve and be improved.

I want
I want to help and be helped.
I want to hold and be held.
I want to comfort and be comforted.
I want to find and be found.

I want
I want to see and be seen.
I want to cherish and be cherished.
I want to honor and be honored.
I want to trust and be trusted.

I
I want to love and be loved.

I want
I want to feel.
I want to cry.
I want to despair.
I want to hope.
I want to laugh.
I want to experience.
I want to try.
I want to learn.
I want to believe.

I want to feel every sense of life.

That's all I wish for.
A friend once asked me what I wish for in life. I wrote this as an answer.
Apr 2020 · 55
32
Kristina Apr 2020
32
The day that I died
was a beautiful summer's day
A shade of happiness waftled through the air
Someone cried
Someone cried for me
Stop it
'Stop it', I wanted to say, but I had no voice
'I'm free'
'I'm happy', I wanted to say but she didn't hear me
I wasn't sad
I was happy it was over
He gave a speech
saying he knew me
saying I was important to him
saying he'll miss me
It made me sad
I heard someone mourning 'too early, too young, too short'
I didn't understand
I was long, too long
It was filled with loving and living
it was filled with bearing and enduring
it was filled with asking and answering
it was filled with suffering and laughing
It was beautiful
I was happy
I smiled and cried
the day that I died
Apr 2020 · 49
Thank you for your
Kristina Apr 2020
This is to you, who's never gone away
Risking your sanity to understand my crooked mind
Unraveling my thoughts I'm spreading out infront of you
Searching for my hope when I misplace it
This is to you
.

Indefatigably believing in me

Listening to the words I can barely phrase
Owner of my trust and deepest passion
Voive in my endless silence
Everything I could ever wish for

You're the one who's rescuing me
Over and over
Unlike anyone I've known before
.
To my best friend who I dearly love.
Apr 2020 · 197
She's waiting
Kristina Apr 2020
She's scratching.
Unresting and ruthless.
She's crackling and creaking.
Background.
She's sneaking up from behind and bares her teeth.
A horrible grin.

She's ripping my head wide open to grub her ugly nest.

She's
Dipping my eyes in fog.
Stuffing my ears with mud.
Filling my mouth with silence.

She's building her cursed nest.
She's cocooning herself in.

You can't see her.
Yet she's still there lurking.

She's waiting for the right moment.

Then
She will fill your eyes with tears
She will fill your mouth with lies.
She will fill your heart with pain.

She's waiting.
Apr 2020 · 73
Yesterday. Today.
Kristina Apr 2020
I'm fighting against myself, falling into a deep dark hole I dug.

Yesterday I told myself I could do it.
Today I disprove it.


I'm crying for myself, trapped behind a wall of silence I built.

Yesterday I believed in love.
Today I leave.


I'm fleeing from myself, tripping over invisible strings I spun.

Yesterday I gathered hope.
Today I throw it away.
Apr 2020 · 63
From the one who stayed
Kristina Apr 2020
You're the one who started it,
I'm the one who watched it end.

You're the one who made me laugh,
I'm the one who laughed for you.
You're the one who made me love,
I'm the one who loved for you.
You're the one who made me cry,
I'm the one who cried for you.

You're the one who walked away.
I'm the one who stayed.
This one's from three years ago, but I kinda still feel it.
Apr 2020 · 141
The Wall you forced me into
Kristina Apr 2020
Every hit you gave me when I was a child
grew to hate as I got older.
Every lie you told me when I was trusting
grew to disgust as I got wiser.
Every bad word you threw at me,
every betrayal, every bit of spite,
I used it to build a wall between us.
A wall that keeps you out.
A wall that keeps me safe.

I would really like to throw it all back at you.
To hurt you with everything you hurt me with.
To crush you like you crushed me.

But then I wouldn't be any better,
then I would be you.
I'll never be you!

— The End —