Some slash their wrists,
Ingest a bottle of pills,
Jump off a high-rise building,
Hang themselves or
Blow their brains off.
And In that moment while they're bleeding to death,
Closing their eyes for the last time,
Hanging lose in the air,
About to let their weight drop,
And let that,
Bullet pierce through their skull.
Are moments they feel the most alive.
Maybe suicide is meant for that
So very "special moment"
To feel alive,
Just once before,
You cease to exist.
I'm tired of telling the millionth person
the same story of how love died
& they pull out a pad and pen
trying to fill in the blank,
cracking the secret formula,
of why it happened:

"You two weren't compatible"

"You need to love yourself more"

"She wasn't the right one for you"

"You weren't the right one for her"

"It was just young love"

"These things just happen"

Everyone has their own perspective on it
& nobody really

Because I don't need to know why;
if I did I would be stuck in the past,
and trying to fix it.
I'm not.

I just need to know how to keep living
when every time my heart beats
it hurts because the one who I gave it to
is missing from my life

How do I not lose my breath when I think of her?
How do I quit having dreams about her?
How can I move on from losing my best friend because I lost control of my mental health and shut her out?
How does neglect become undone when you are removed from their life?

She was 7 years of happiness in my life; not a long time to many, but remember I am only 23 years old.
I grew into a man with her stitched to my heart.

So please don't try and tell me why it fell apart.
Please just tell her I love her if you see her.
I know people want to help, and I'm very grateful for the care so many have for me. It's just insensitive to try and fix someone who is just trying to learn how to move on.
If you really want to know the "why" you'd have to live through it because it is far more complex and nuanced than just filling in a blank like a crossword puzzle.
 Oct 2018 Chidera Abaratu
sometimes it will blizzard in florida and thunder in massachusetts
but it has to happen
once the flurries melt and skies clear
it will stay that way for a while
and there will be a snow in and a hurricane
but it all dries up
escape to the garden

nature is always there
needing to be tended for
care for it and let it grow
it will flourish and snap open
the vines grow thick and curl
staying alive during the changing weather
thorns and thorns but nothing compared to the fresh flowers and velvet petals
the eternal plants in the delicate garden
they will grow and bloom and thrive

some will wilter and turn brown
in the fragile ecosystem
trees take their place
strong and everlasting with stories of rings
history flowing throughout the bark
letting sun in through the leaves
in the eternal garden plants come and go
yet, a new one always comes in succession
nature is always there in the eternal garden
this is a mess. a dam mess. but it comforts me
When I see you
Work hard to follow your dreams
I smile

Because to me

That is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
I don’t know about most ppl, but for me, when I see ppl being passionate about things, putting their efforts into making something that means to them happen, it’s just so beautiful, I smile and sometimes end up staring.
(Inspired by Cynthia’s essay writing)
What a berk I am
full of nothingness
A universe inside my head is burning
And I see no shadow helping

I desire to pass intoxicant
for I feel no other escape

I am abrading my soul
wish I could wail And
Befriend with my death

They are teaching me to stand
And how to talk with neighbors
For this might be their home
But I do not feel this as my querencia

At least there will be something
I hope after my breath
I wish you here

A pure magic is happening

I am still alive.......
It cannot be described
only imbibed
through many sorrows
and sorries
until the pain
recedes to numbness
your compass
points to death
& you see the peace it brings
the silence
the darkness
you make your mind up
maybe not today
or tomorrow
but you know
you're going to die by your own hand
& you feel
just a brief


that's the sound of suicide
Not in a good headspace right now. Thank you for your concerns, I just needed to vent this.
I promised to quit counting the days
Yet you've filled my mind this morning

I just wanted to say I'm sorry
I hurt you and never meant to
Your life got thrown into chaos
I never accepted responsibility
For the part I played in it

You meant a lot to me
I hope you cared about me too
Please don't hate me
But if you do, I do too
I can bear it

You'll never read this, Taylor
or the other ones I've written for you
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
This wasn't how it was supposed to go
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