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the old frustrations
so obvious now
it only took a few hits
to figure it out
it only took a few years
to have my head above the waves
probably a few more
before i actually mean what i say

gagging at the thought
of my past versions
to stagnation and over-emotion
i've developed an aversion
a reflex i can't help
i can try to forgive myself
but i will never be proud
of making do than doing well

spitting acid
when i could have offered compromise
making myself some sort of martyr
of unnecessary sacrifice
where i should've countered with
kindness and open-mindedness
i curled into negativity
causing my own blindness

running a psychological deficit
standing on the precipice
that the only answer might be watching everything burn
and just letting it
for the first time in a while
i don't hate myself today
i poured out my soul
and sure there was pain
but to be free from captured thoughts
and seeing the visions play out
almost exactly how they did in my mind
i feel almost unshackled now
and for the first time ever
i'm not afraid of the outcome
i'll still feel a lot
but i won't regret much in the long run
i can't change your mind
i cant even change mine
and as much as i want to make things right
i can't continue if this is just gonna be another fight
and i won't feel bad for shutting us down
because if we can't listen to what the other is saying
who are we kidding
and what is the reason for staying

i've finally got nothing to prove
if i can find happiness without you
then that is what i'll choose
and i hope you do too
i dont hate you
i just can't be near you
for you bring the past alongside questions

if i wanted to erase you
i would have done so in a heartbeat
i would have done it long before your presence

here today thats also permeated in my mind
you might not be the loss of my life
but you are more than just a lesson

i can make do
but i can't ignore my feelings
and where we can't meet we have to make concessions

and if i have to let you go
and when it breaks my heart
i guess i'll have to let it

i can love from afar
but i can't love you half as hard
things can change when you least expect it

but the good outlives the bad
the best times we ever had
i do truly cherish every second

we shared and i always will
but even though i care i might have to ****
the part of me that wants to correct this

maybe we've outgrown our spot
before these roots rot
let's try to save ourselves the infection

bury what you can't carry
a kiss for what you'll miss
a tear for the fears that came true

a shaking fist to the sky
i can say i tried
but i can never answer for you

so i lay down my offerings
my last intentions and pray
that we can make right from wrong

and that if we can't
we can find peace in an ending
and cleanly move on

oh what ever will it be
at midnight she drew the knife
praying hard with it between her hands
squeezing for a drop of hope
that she could put trust in just this one man

and when she bled on the altar
leaving offerings, making sacrifices
she replaced the hood on her head
made her way back home before the night's end

at the time the spirits seemed pleased
yet she still kept falling to her knees
feeling all that there was to be felt
unsure of how to proceed


if what you wish for
is what you intend
what could you lose
while trying to win

and i do my best
and i make the bed
that i sleep in
knowing i'll never break even

she deserves to feel warmth of daylight
and the soft invitation of a shared blanket
true unconditional acceptance
the levity of having true love and not being afraid to break it

she shouldnt be collateral damage of a fool
who seeks to make a stepping stone
out of another human being
just to avoid talking about his feelings
how utterly underwhelming
there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
and when i feign peace
what is given is gone
what was and is not
no longer no more
nor worth half the spot
that the moments of past
have entirely taken up
between the should'ves and would'ves i'm stuck

the seed that doesn't bloom
in the field that never thrives
in the country that buries children
in a world that never cries
i'll shed my tear
and i'll burn the flag
i'll never find a home
my faith torn right in half

if i cry no more
i pray to God
will it ever bring you back
holding my own hand
as i cross the final threshold
a final retreat
into myself
into hell

what i can't accept
i forget
what i can't forget
i ignore
what i can't ignore
consumes me
and everything
that would've been
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