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scars on top of scars
wounds that just won't heal
it's not broken bones
so it isn't really real
i'm cut up inside
raw from your **** words
but since you can't see it
it can't really hurt
just gotta move on
stop being a baby
i'm too sensitive
and that's why you hate me
words have always hurt me
so have stones and sticks
only you can see bruises
feelings are harder to fix
internalize the fear
pretend that it's fine
if i pass for stable
they'll let me off this time
**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault
two years ago
when you broke my heart
i told myself i was done

i cut you off
and criticized myself
for ever being so dumb

painfully and repeatedly
told myself
i was not enough

it was the only way
to break myself out
of the unreciprocated love

two months ago
when you lied to me
and tarnished my name

i couldnt get over it
like you did
i had to pull away

you didnt acknowledge a thing
you said nothing
you continued to change

i hated you
for not caring
i felt stupid and ashamed

two days ago
it might have been
the first time

you acknowledged
some fault
and apologized

but i still feel like
nothing
i still cry at night

i thought the sorry
would fix it
would make it all alright

two hours ago
when i should've been
asleep

i realized
that even though you apologized
to me

and i thought
if you really meant it
it'd be all i need

i'm not okay
i never healed
and i don't know how to stop this bleed
you leave me for
the flavor of the month
abandon a feast
to chase after a crumb
she tasted so sweet
but only for bit
the sugar coating is gone
she's just a bitter *****
you miss the way i slid down your throat
straight to the stomach
each touch so rich
it's impossible not to want it
remembering just how smooth it was
but now you've lost the power
to have your cake and eat it too
go find another to devour
one day when you regret your choice and look back at how things were
the day that i'm actually moved on and shining without a care in the world
don't reach out and say you miss me and you shouldn'tve chosen that girl
over our friendship because i knew that from the second you turned
i knew the second you tasted her lips you were gonna burn
you did everything and anything to give the world to her
up to even lying to me and leaving me crying on a curb
i was broken without you and i was lonely and hurt
you were the one person i thought truly deserved
the trust i put in them though i've obviously learned
history means nothing when it comes to making it work
whoever gets you off will always have the last word
so no i would not like to pick things up or reminisce on how they were
it was good while it lasted but you left on bad terms
i have no need to reconnect or wait to reobserve
the same toxic behavior that led this to occur
a limp yet warm body
given a role to play
an object, not a person
subjected to morbid games

it used to hurt but now it's like
crashing a hearse
i'm already dead inside
it can't get any worse

learned helplessness
and a final realization
heros aren't real
deafening resignation

learned existence is pain
so harden and be numb
i don't know if i hate
the ragdoll i've become

i may not react
but at least i can't feel
if it can't touch me
it doesn't have to be real
why is it everytime i fix one thing
another thing breaks
nice to everyone and tolerant
just gets me called fake
i'm burnt out and still going somehow
because i will stand up regardless
i'm too hard too strict too full of myself
i'm sensitive yet heartless
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