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you dip your head back against the sunset trying to forget what is rushing back to you
but the memories come
like bellowed clouds full of smoke,
it is all too suffocating,
all too consuming.
    and so your promises fly out the window of your car and
you swear someday you’ll
move far away from this ash-filled town.
but the clouds are in the air and they
laugh and they laugh,
oh, how they laugh.

I used to be afraid
Of being honest.
I used to let people’s reactions
Completely rule me.
If it upset someone I loved,
Then I rearranged myself
To fit their needs.

But no more.

You, my love,
Taught me the difference
Between consideration
And fear.
You taught me how to see
The logical fallacies.
You gave me room to breath,
And you never accept,
Anything less than
Brutal
Truth.

I see the difference.
I’ve become the difference.
You showed me love
In a way
I never knew existed.

And the best part?
I get to share it
With you.
Every time
I am angry,
Every time
I yell,
I feel like I am failing.

I want to talk to the world,
And have it hear me.
I want to whisper,
And have it matter.

But I don’t matter
Unless I make myself matter.
You can’t hear me
Unless I make you.

You listen when I’m angry,
But every time I am angry
I feel like I’m failing.
Every time I yell,
I feel the crazy
Buried underneath
Surfacing,
And I punish myself
For days.

I want to matter to you,
In my silence,
I want to matter,
When I’m calm.

I want to stop failing.

I want you to hear me.
“It looks deep,”
I said, face turned up to the sky
Looking so high
I thought I would float away.
You held my hand,
And paced up and down the driveway
Trying to see every star and planet
Above us.
You were giddy in that way you get
When curiosity
Has taken over
Your body.

Two falling stars
Faded into the darkness
Like a deep sigh,
I pointed them out to you
Moments too late.

Two wishes,
All to myself.

And both of them were
Something beautiful and secret
About you.
I remember
When people looked at me
As if I
Were beautiful.
Today I needed to remember her,
The wild parts of who I used to be.

I needed to remember the self destructive taste
Of cigarettes and chocolate bars,
The feeling of body positivity,
Sexuality,
And funky fashion.

I needed to remember that I am angry,
Because I needed to remember why I am moving forward.

I let myself remember her today,
The wild parts
Of who I used to be.
The first sip of wine,
The first and last
Sentence
Of a book.

The ending and beginning note of a song.
Last words,
First words,
Gravestones and last meals,
Vows meant to last forever,
And whatever song
Is running through your mind
At two AM.

And your smile,
When you feel listened to.
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