The marks we make don’t get to come with us when we leave.
They stay with those left behind as stories we wrote,
and pages to be read.
The soundtrack we created hopefully will be played.
And the songs that walked us through,
may they be reminders of who we were.
Not forgotten or lost.
Always there in some simple way.

Feeling all kinds of insecurities
that no one seems to get.
And tired of all the questions
about where my life is currently at
and currently not heading.
My life shouldn’t be a question for people.  
It’s not their’s to understand.
I live it at my own pace,
and do what makes me happy.
I don’t have to have it all perfectly laid out
or go by the book.
It doesn’t have to be all pretty.
Because what I learned years ago is something so much more important.
It isn’t about how perfect you live your life.
It’s not about how smoothly everything goes
or how many successes you can add up.
It’s waking up each day seeing the sun shine,
and knowing you get live.
That you chose to live.
That you’ve survived,
and with each breath and every heartbeat,
you are still here.

His mind’s a mess,
a constant battle between angels and demons.
Nothing ever goes right.
So he comes apart at every seam.
What was once on the outside no longer there.
All fallen into the darkness.

Turning the page on a chapter that was hell.
Hoping by some miracle the story will change plots.
And if not,
I’ll just burn the whole **** thing.
Start all over and hope for the best.

A glass is a glass
until the glass leaves you f’d up.
Fighting the midnight train in some bubbly
that drowns you into abyss.
You can’t hold on,
because holding feels far worse than letting go.
So you let go with the glass still in your hand.
The hole still in your heart.

I showed up at your doorstep
all kinds of confused,
clouded by the way we let things fall.
It was my fault,
my mess that I threw at your face.
Like bullets,
I said everything that tore us apart.
I trashed not only you and I,
I trashed myself.
Tore apart everything about me.
Shattered and dropped what we had to the floor like glass.
And now these **** thoughts won’t let me get over them.
So here I’m am,
standing in the rain six feet apart,
hoping you’ll open the door.
Because as much as the confusion is begging me walk away,
the apologies in my heart won’t let me go.

I’m sorry...

If it’s the last thing I ever say,
or the last thing you hear of me,

I’m sorry.

Scary and unknowing,
I turn off the noise.
Too much,
too little,
and the days don’t go fast enough.
If I take another breathe at least I know I’m still here.
Life is so broken now,
and the world we took for granted leaves us all connected.
Home becomes the constant,
and the things that once were so normal are temporarily gone.
We find other ways to pass the hours.
So in this scary and unknowing time,
I turn off the noise.

I feel as I feel.
It’s my own,
and not anyone else does it belong to.
No one can tell me how or why,
when or where.
No one can turn me into something I’m not.
I feel not just with heart,
but deep within my soul.
Emotions may get the best of me sometimes,
but they are mine,
and with them I’m reminded of every beat and every breath of what is real.

Awkward at best,
but you didn’t seem to care.
I could fall and stumble,
and you’d be right there.
No questions asked.
Anytime light or dark.
And each time we hugged a warmth filled me that even my IQ couldn’t explain.
When I was faced with the dark,
you were the first to come running.
And when you were down,
I never hesitated.
Like clockwork we were two in the same.
But you found another,
and the stars never quite aligned with the stars in our eyes.  
We weren’t meant to be.
Sad,
but true.
And though we can’t be one,
we’ll always be two.
There when the going gets tough,
and forever as close as the universe will allow.
You have my back,
and I’ve got yours.

Somewhere along the way
the pen fell out of my hand,
and the words got lost in my head.
Creativity still bubbled in my head,
but on paper it all fell short.
Maybe with new adventures that have just passed,
and more adventures planned ahead,
I’ll discover my words once more.
And fill the pages of my book.
The love for writing is never truly gone.

He turns,
but every way is wrong,
and all roads lead to lines crossed.
The signs ahead don’t help,
he’s more confused than ever,
and sadly defeat surrounds his every waken bone.
If only he could find what made him smile once upon a long time ago,
then maybe he’d be okay.

Heart still beating,
blood still moving,
head still hurting,
and eyes still blinking.
I’m alive.
Alive,
and still here.

When no one gives a ****,
and a show seems more important.
When your breath is hard to swallow,
and you’re left alone chasing it.
Rest just isn’t in the cards.
You’re defeated.
No one wants to help.
So I guess I’ll just sit here drowning
until there’s nothing left of me.

These words are here because no one listens.
When I speak out loud the words in my heart,
they fall on deaf ears.
Some may wonder why I’m quiet most of the time,
but truth is
I find it easier when I don’t say a thing.
It hurts less than realizing no one was ever really paying attention.

Please don’t let me forget you on December 25th.
When the presents are all open,
and the magic starts to fade.
When the coffee turns cold,
and the Christmas music unplugs for another year.
Don’t let me be reminded you’re not here.
Because I still miss you,
even when it’s not December 25th

On wobbly feet
and shaky breath,
these words are so hard to find.
No one knows what’s going on in that space up there.
You fall once,
maybe twice,
and all they do is watch as you get back up again.  
No lending hand.
Just eyes turning away.
You’re struggling.
And for once you wish someone would finally give a ****.

And so he falls apart.
Cracks at the seams as he tries so desperately to crawl his way out.
There’s no turning back.
He can’t erase what’s already been done.
And the memories chew at every thought.
It’s all he can think about.
Mistakes, betrayal, failures, and all that’s gone wrong.
If by some miracle he takes a step forward,
he somehow always goes two steps back.  
He want to change.
The numb feeling in his soul he can’t take anymore.
And alone he can’t do this.
His heart constantly begging for help.
Perhaps help is out there.
If only he could find her.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

With a fire in my heart,
I write love stories that aren't fairytales.
Though beautiful,
fairytales aren't all that magical,
and life just doesn't work that way.

No love story is a happy ever after,
and no love story can ever be real.
Life is full of heartaches, tragedies, and broken promises.
Even if love sticks around,
it never runs that smoothly.

Love is not a highway,
but a cobbled road,
sometimes lonely,
or a tidal wave during a storm,
fighting to pull you under.

Though love is ugly,
it too is beautiful.
Love can endure the worst.
Illness, temptation, anger, and a sadness no one wants to bare.
It's stronger than anything,
and more solid than most.
It casts out fear,
and defeats hate.
It's what I write about.
The good and the bad.

I said I didn't need you,
that you were okay where you were.
But truth was I wasn't the one that was okay.
I was left with the unknown,
afraid if tomorrow would ever come,
and how many mornings I would get to see.
I lied.
I did need you,
and on the cold hard floor with my bags in front of me,
I dialed your familiar number,
and begged you to come.
What I didn't know was you were already there.
You saw through my mask
and knew me better than I knew myself.
I was too in shock,
and all you cared about was being there,
holding my hand through it all,
and looking at me with those same caring eyes
I have gotten to love these few years.

Though I wasn't there when you were at your absolute worst.
Through I didn't hold your hand when you trying to get better,
thinking more about myself than you in that ugly bed,
with those sad eyes,
and the smile that would not return for months.  
I was there in the before and the after,
but I didn't keep my own promise to you when I said I wouldn't leave,
and because of that I regret each moment you crumbled more and more,
and the light that left your face.
I told myself I would do my hardest to not let it escape again when it came back.

And now here you are,
whispering the words I wish I had said to you in your breakdown,
telling me it will be okay,
and that you love me.
That no matter what happened,
you aren't going anywhere.
A kiss on the lips and I know you are right.
You are my rock,
my solid ground when everything inside of me is falling apart
You are that voice I can listen to when the machines get too loud.
And the song in my head I never want to stop.
In sickness you are here with me.
From every outburst or tear I cry,
to each strand of hair I loose,
and watching the color draining from my face.

I wasn't there when the battles with your own fight got too hard.
When your mind kept playing tricks,
and you didn't know how to make it stop.
And all the nightmares that kept returning,
haunting your every waking moment.

But today,
right now,
that doesn't matter.
We're together and if for some reason I don't make it through to see your eyes in the morning,
I'll spend this moment here and now getting lost in them and you getting lost in mine.

I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you.
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong.
Maybe I could fix it.
I’m not sure,
but I’ll try.

If I had followed Peter,
I would have never grown up,
and my child like imagination would have stayed intact.
If I had read all the books like Belle,
I could have seen the beauty and wonder long before I missed out.
I wouldn’t have been so quick to judge.
If I could have had the courage to do what I long to do,
maybe Merida could have helped me through.
And if I had been a little more me,
and a lot less of what the world wanted,
then maybe I could embrace the uniqueness inside of me that Lilo never had a problem with.
Maybe I would have chased my dreams.
But who knows.
The future is still there,
and as long as tomorrow comes,
there is hope.
And I’ll try to embrace that.

Someone once thought my poetry was ****.
Scoffed at what I wrote about.
Truth be told,
it did hurt.
And I replayed their words that day letting it eat me up inside.
A part of me didn’t want to write anymore.
But how could I turn my back on something I loved more than anything?
It’s impossible for me to leave behind the very thing that makes me smile,
and in a way has saved me numerous times.
It’s my outlet when my head becomes too complicated,
and each breath feels like a chore.
I don’t write to please others.
I write what’s on my heart and what fills my brain.
If for some reason someone doesn’t like it,
than so it be.
I’m just being true to me.
And here I am,
still writing,
still breathing.

Scars only tell half the story.
Tears tell the rest.

Fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.
All the days I held you close
when the winds came blowing by.
Nightmares tried to rip you apart,
but I glued back the pieces of your heart,
forever hoping it would never crack again.

Then in fiery rage I was gone,
torn away from all I held dear
and the plans you and I had made.

I never prayed so **** hard.

Now the years have passed,
of course I came back,
and we tried so hard to start over again,
but it was never quite the same.
The love was strong and always there,
but everything and everyone got in the way,
and no matter how many times,
it never really worked.

And so here I go,
trying to find myself, somewhere else away from here.
I don't know if I'll ever come back,
I always did before,
and maybe someday we'll get to where we once were,

because...

fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.

In an ordinary world I would already be where I want to be.
The questions running through my head would be answered,
and I wouldn’t need to worry anymore.
But this world isn’t ordinary.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be,
but I’m where I’m supposed to be.
And never think that where you are now is not the place for you.
It’s just a pit stop on the highway of life,
and sometimes this pit stop is a long one.
And for some,
it’s leads us to discovering that maybe right here is where we’re actually meant to be.
It’s just how we see it that changes.

I’ve never been in love,
but I know of a love so deep.
And because of that I don’t need my heart strings pulled by another on this Earth.
God has my love and unlike anyone else,
it won’t be broken.

Are you reading this?
Ten out of ten you’re scrolling right on past.
My words mean nothing in the shuffle of the
others who are bolder.
But even if I yelled it out,
no one would bother to hear me.
The lines I write are everything to me.
And each one expresses what I cannot say in person.
If only someone else would care for them just as much.

You can erase me from your memories.
Not pick up the phone and dial those numbers.
Talk and talk and say all the right words to the people who don’t really know.
Those words never reach here.
Do you get how I ask myself if I’m the one all wrong?
If I’m apart of problem.
It leaves me hating myself sometimes.
You can’t hear the cries from where you are.
And you’ll never know the nightmares living in my head trying to chase me down.
I’m hurting deep inside.
And all you do is stay away,
dragging the pain a little further each day.

Tired bones,
and tired eyes,
I struggle to get through each hour.
Loosing my patience and sanity.
I wonder if the battle is loosing.
Then in the back of my mind pushing its’ way past the doubt and hurting,
I hear a voice softy whisper,
“Dear child,
tomorrow is coming and you do all you can.
You take on an impossible task,
and you refuse to quit.
Though the work seems giant,
remember you can’t do it all.
There is only so much the world can put on your shoulders.
And for everything else,
that is why I am here.
When everything feels like it’s crumbling,
look up and there I’ll be there.
Yes, child.
I’m always there.”

You go on and on about love,
and about taking the time to be there.
To show the ones you love you care.
But maybe that doesn’t apply here.
You show up at the worst,
and leave because you can.
No hey how’s it going?
Or I was just thinking about you.
You speak of being there for those that matter.
But the blood that runs deep,
never really mattered to you.
Because you come when it’s convenient.
You call when want takes over sincerity.
Tell everyone to do the little things for you,
and yet the line keeps ringing from miles away.
You hold on to memories and heritage
with no one around to share them with.
We’re right here.
Same place we have been.
We haven’t forgotten,
and our hearts ache when words are disconnected.
I’m doing my best to keep the hope alive.
But where hope flows as far as a river,
here it runs dry.
So instead of hoping for something that isn’t willing to do the same,
I’ll hope for something else that won’t leave me bitter and confused.

It courses through my entire being,
and I’m numb frm the sensation.
Why can’t I feel?
If I stop the demons come back,
and I return to fighting a battle I’ll never win.
But choosing to erase all sense of happiness, hope, and anger leaves me void of all that I once cared about.
Maybe I can find the balance in between,
because I don’t want to loose the part of me that loved so true.
But more importantly...
I want to loose what brought me here.

Wake up, wake up.
Open your eyes and see today.
Roll over in your bed
and see the sun rise
or the stars still sprinkling across the sky. Yesterday you lived,
but what’s even better
is you’re living today.
And those eyes you opened,
get to do it all over again.

And I can barely breathe.
Words twisted in broken angles,
emotions caught in webs I can’t undo.
I try to free myself,
but I fail miserably.
And as a year passes,
I’m still all wrong,
and never right.
So please forget that I was even here.

If I don’t write for weeks
does that mean I’ve lost inspiration
or have I just become too immersed in emotion
that no words can describe how I feel?

Walls close in,
and someone else takes control of the moment,
leaving you standing there,
thinking the worst is about to happen,
and making you feel as if you’re caught in a net.
No one bothers to ask if you’re okay.
They only stare or turn away.
A spectacle to watch and turn off when the interest fades away.
Sadly the fear in your bones doesn’t disappear as fast,
and everyone’s wondering why you can’t turn it off.
Because it’s not like changing clothes or pushing a button.
It comes without warning,
and believe me if I knew when it would arrive,
I’d already be long gone.

When home is the one place you should run to,
and today, yesterday, you were told to run from it.
It’s not getting any clearer,
and you wonder if home will even be there when you return.  
If so,
you’re one of the lucky ones.
But structures and things don’t matter quite as much as each breath from your lungs.
You’re alive,
they’re alive,
and hopefully, slowly you can rebuild.
It’ll take time to heal what nature broke,
but God is there in every step and struggle.
He didn’t desert you then when he carried you from the flames,
and he won’t desert you now when the world around you turns to ashes.
One day those ashes will disappear,
and all those uncertain nights will fade into hope.
Brcause fire isn’t permanent.
God is.

I stood there doing my best,
trying to please everyone no matter how tired I felt.
I was a hamster spinning on a wheel that didn’t seem to ever stop.
I picked up pieces to put back together,
but they never seemed to fit.
I was to blame and shame took its’ hold on me.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I deserved the criticism that tore apart my soul.
For blood and tears didn’t add up,
and written reports only emptied me of what little hope I had left.
I was lost to the darkness and the sunlight could never find me.
One more minute there and I would have crumpled,
unable to return from the Hell I was in.
So I ran.
Left behind the nagging guilt and worthlessness that had engulfed me.  
I no longer wanted this control over me
and the monkey I pushed off my back.
You could tear me down,
break me even,
but you will never make me stay.
And one day I will fully heal from the messed up emotions you made me feel.

If I spit words,
let them be of your love and ever lasting faithfulness.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

Faster than ever the world spins,
and I’m barely hanging on.  
The downfall of this very existence has shaken me to the core,
and all the things I wish I could say,
I can’t say.
Even if it doesn’t make sense,
this twisted thinking in my head.
I’d rather be alone buried in the lies
than have you by my side,
tears and all.
Because if goodbye comes too soon,
I don’t want you to remember me gasping for the very last breathe.
And if my hold on this world lets go,
just recall the beating of my heart when you and I were so in love.

Shut out everything including the light.
Forget the memories we tried so hard to make.
Life was so much more easier yesterday
when worries were never too big to handle.

Twist the words that fall from your mouth.
Heaven knows you didn’t mean them.  
It’s far less painful to hide the breakdown.
Because falling apart would mean having to face the truth.

And the truth is what scares me the most.

Unanswered questions,
a life left with the inevitable.
Time keeps ticking,
each hour never feeling long enough.
If I gave in maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Maybe it would be easier than trying to hold on to a hope that doesn’t seem real anymore.
And the one I said I love you to wouldn’t have to cry for a tomorrow that will never come.
They could live their days without worry
while I quietly fall to pieces.
As sad as it is,
it’s for the best.
Because goodbye is a lot less harder now than it will ever be.

No...
Scratch that.
It doesn’t matter.
Goodbye hurts like hell whatever way you put it.
And it’ll still feel the same
yesterday...
today...
tomorrow...

Wings a tangled mess,
and halo crooked,
this angel is far from perfect.
With harp strings broken,
and clouds full of rain,
magic is powerless in this messed up madness.
Nothing will fix this once upon a time fairytale.

You say a word
and it falls to dust.
Might as well not speak anymore.
Because silence is a much better friend,
and loneliness keeps more company then anyone else ever did.

If you think about tomorrow, you’re halfway there. Hold on.

I pick up the pen
and my mind runs free from life’s chaos.
I forget about the worries that haunted me so,
and a stillness envelops my presence.
If only it could stay like that forever.

I’ve seen Death twice,
stood in his presence as he took those I loved away.
I watched as one took their last breath,
not knowing it’d be goodbye.
I saw another life gone,
door opened,
and an image frozen forever in my mind.
If I could take it all back,
Heaven knows I would.
So as I sit here with each breath,
I remember those two we lost,
and others gone before and after.
A part of me was changed by tragedy,
and with each day life becomes a little more precious.

You don’t care,
and shade is the only thing you give.
I’ve been through hell.
Fought demons that loved it when I fell and failed.
If I was being truthful I never really liked myself half of the time,
and maybe that’s because you threw me away
like I was something you got of bored of.
I’m sorry I don’t fit the mold.
But despite how you made feel,
I’m not going to let it destroy the very essence of me.
I gotten this far,
and I’m still breathing.
Thank God I never stopped.

The smell of a candle
reminds me that I’m still here,
and I’m perfectly okay with that.