I was lost in a world I didn't want to be in anymore.
You were there,
and then suddenly you weren't anymore.
Gone before I could say goodbye.
I was screaming,  
begging for it not to be real.
Because I became one,
and that didn't feel right.
Yes, it hurt every bone in my body,
and I wanted nothing more then to be there with you.
But I couldn't,
and I questioned why,
my heart beating out of my chest.
Then like a flash,
I suddenly woke up.
And I realized it had only been a nightmare.
Even so,
reality set in.  
You aren't really gone,
but you aren't here either.
For that reason,
I live another nightmare I can't escape.
No, this one I can't wake up from.

Across the ocean blue
I look out into the horizon.
My back to the world.

No one would recognize me with my head turned.
At least I hope.
And to be honest I wouldn't mind.

A quiet moment all to myself,
with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

For I am just a Nobody
trying to do some good with the years of my life,
and not loose what's inside in the process.

When nothing seems right
and everything is wrong.
When you feel like mistakes overshadows your achievements
and no one cares.
When hope is lost in the darkness
and every color fades to gray,
your last resort is to end it all.
The thoughts inside your head not helping.

But don't let those thoughts consume you.
Don't believe you aren't good enough.
The lies will try to break you
and steal the light inside of your heart.
You are so much more than you think.
You are beautiful and worth every breath.
Life is beating within you
and until God says it's time,
please don't end your story too soon.

I wrote what was in my heart on paper
and bled myself dry with the ink from my pen.
I couldn’t bare are this any longer.
My story had to be told.

And if no one listened,
I would still pour out every word.
All my colors would not change.
Cause I was me,
even when others could not see.

So the words they whisper cut like a knife,
slicing though my pages.
Try as they might,
they couldn't tear me apart.
Because even with scars,
I will tell my story.

And if no one listened,
I would still pour out every word.
All my colors would not change.
Cause I was me,
even when others could not see.

All my colors would not change.
Cause I was me,
even when others could not see.

Haunted by myself,
placed on a shelf.
A book that was never read
and too afraid to be opened,
for the stories would be too much to tell,
and the best sellers shined much brighter than me.

You twist my words until they break.
Stick glue on the bottom of my shoes
so I can’t move.
And cover my eyes with a heavy fog
so I can’t see the truth.
I’m putty in your hands,
too weak to stand up to your never ending schemes.
You find ways to bring me further down the confusing hole,
and before I can catch my breath,
the damage has already been done.

But despite the hold you have on me,
someone else has the stronger grasp.
With each whisper from Hell you tell,
I hear a voice that is far louder,
telling me I’m okay.
I’m not to be ashamed.
As broken as everything inside of me is,
He can put the puzzles pieces back together,
even the ones that are bent and bruised.
You can try to bring me down again,
and though you may succeed for awhile,
He’ll always find a way to get through.

Worry and constant questions keep you awake in the night.
Lies refuse to let you rest,
and secrets force you to hide it all when daylight comes.

A smile at the person walking by,
and a sip of your coffee so you don’t have to talk.
Last night was rough,
but with the makeup you put on,
no one can tell.

How could they?
The mask covers everything.

And you could fool them all,
make them believe everything’s okay.
But not God.
He knows.
Every tear, every laughter, every dream, and frustration.  
And he’s not going to give up on you.

If I was being honest,
I wouldn’t be here if faith wasn’t real.
All the pain I’ve been through would eat me alive
and tear apart the very part inside of me that make me who I am.
If faith wasn’t real,
tomorrow would never exist
and yesterday would have no meaning.
Counting my days would be useless
and the clock on the wall would be stuck at wherever time it stopped at.
If faith wasn’t real,
I wouldn’t believe in arcs and partings of waters.
The cross would be just another story no one would tell.
But truth is,
faith IS real,
and more importantly His love is real,
and never ending.

At my best You praise my victories,
and bath me in light.
At my worst,
You hold me close,
and praise the goodness still inside of me,
reminding me I’m not a failure.
You refuse to leave me in the dark.

At my best you celebrate every moment.
No matter how big or small.
At my worst You hold my hand.
And with every step I take,
You refuse to let go.

At my best Your love rains down on me,
surrounding me in pure joy and everything I had hoped for.
At my worst Your love still rains down on me,
penetrating every tear I cry,
and every stabbing pain I feel.

You’re there when all is good,
and You’re there when nothing is okay.
It doesn’t matter when or where,
You remain steadfast in Your Love,
and in turn it leaves me awestruck.
Completely awestruck in Your Love

On these roads I walk,
unpaved and uneven,
I stumble on the pebbles at my feet.
Each one reminding me of my failures,
everything I’ve done wrong.
But You are the cane that holds me upright,
guiding me along the bumpy path.
You refuse to let my hand slip from the grip I struggle to maintain,
and help my legs reach where I’m supposed to be when they start feel heavier than stone,
I’m not a mistake when You are around,
and though I fall time and time again,
You let me lean on you,
and pull me back up again.
I can make it on this old and beat up road,
even if I’m bruised and worn.
Because You never abandon me.
Oh God, You never leave me stranded.
And Your love is overwhelming.

I once was broken,
all my windows cracked,
and walls caving in.
The doors locked and key nowhere to be found.
Someone held the wreaking ball and I came crumbling down,
rubble on the ground.

So I ran.
I left the behind the shattered pieces of photos once hung so neatly,
and pulled myself from beneath the shards of glass and splinters.
This wasn't my place anymore.
No nails could fix the damage done.

And when I stopped running,
I came to the city where my foundation had been dug all those years ago.
I was still a run down shell,
but I knew this was where I had to be.

So I slowly rebuilt my walls,
and put up new windows.
I even painted new memories
and grew from what was planted.
I wasn't just a for rent sign looking for someone to see what was behind my door.
Because the door had finally been opened.

No, I may not be a mansion,
but I am finally home,
whole again.

The world was too harsh,
and you couldn’t stay anymore.
As hard it was for the ones you left,
it was much harder on you.
That light that tried so hard to chase away the shadows failed.
And the questions will always remain,
wondering why and figuring out how to make sense of your absence.
The answers will probably never come,
and the tears will form just when we thought it was okay.
There is nothing worse than pain that is hidden deep in the heart,
and there is nothing scarier than pain that fills your mind with thoughts of no tomorrow.
You held on for so long,
but it didn’t seem long enough.
And even after the whispers taper off,
the loss will still remain.
So will the hole that got a little bigger when you left this world.

Another to the heart
And I can't seem to stop
No matter how hard I try
It keeps coming back
Pulling me under
Tearing me down

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

I've wasted another day
Crying alone
Sitting here in shame
So tired of it all
So completely done with trying to fight
I'll just keep loosing this never-ending endless war

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

And if I could fix myself
Somehow I know I would
For all is said and done
Nothing could feel worse
Than what it is I feel so bad
But a pain for pain is all I ever get

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

Just the color of red
In this dark I cannot escape
Just the color of red
Dripping from this cold bitter hell
Just the color of red
Love filled, blood thick
Oh God, help me before I run dry

October
The pain is settling in
making itself a home
deep within my heart.

November
I have nothing to be thankful for
because why would I thank
everything that took you away from me?

December
The dreams come every night
like 'Jack Frost nipping at your nose'
except I'm not at all happy.

January
I feel numb to the core
the life in me ****** out.
I'm no longer me anymore
but then again maybe I never was.

We chased the stars
And fought the enemy in our dreams
For all it seemed
You, him, and I
We had the world in the palm of our hands
Everything possible
And all the moments our own creation

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

Some people didn't believe
But we proved them wrong
Together you, him and I
We were strong
We were young
Never afraid to take on
Whatever came our way

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

What we imagined
We thought could be real
Now the days are gone
And we are grown
Him and I still here
And wherever you are
I guess we'll try to figure out

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

Someday
We'll be Lost Boys once again
Fight the enemy
And chase our dreams
We'll fly once more
You, him, and I

In Never Never Land

_

I can in so unaware,
and so naive.
You used that against me.
It was all new.
Day in and day out,
on my feet for hours,
trying my **** hardest,
and the anixity eating me away.
It didn’t matter,
it was never enough.
An accident I never meant to happen,
and I was written up.
Two weeks just shy of two months since my first day,
and written up three more times.
It was then I couldn’t take it anymore.
You weren’t going to tear me down any further.
And I wasn’t going to let you win.
So I walked out the door with my head held high.
No goodbye.

Dear Hope,

When I have nothing left,
you are there.
When everything is right,
you are cheering me on.
When it’s all wrong,
you are moving me forward.
You wake me up each morning,
and you get me through the day.
You put that smile on my face,
even when the strength inside of me is dwindling.
You keep me steady,
and you never doubt tomorrow.
When fear tries to overcome my soul,
you shine the light that chases away the darkness.
You never let me fall,
and you wipe away all the tears.
When everything seems uncertain,
you are sure it will be okay.
For you aren’t just Hope.
You are God,
Truth and Savior,
my everlasting anchor.
Thank you.

Love,
Forever Hopeful

This world I was born to hasn’t been so nice.
In the years that have passed,
my eyes have seen so much.
In one lifetime, it’s more than anyone can take.
Buildings collapsing,
and planes falling.
Bombs exploding,
and guns going off.
Too many lives lost too soon.
Storms raging with a force that rips apart the places people call home,
and disagreements turning into full on wars.
Music that once comforted,
ending with notes that some heard for the last time.
It’s enough to bring me to my knees,
begging God to stop it.
I don’t want another person lost before their time,
or the pain in my heart to grow any bigger.
The scars already surround every part of its’ surface.
And I’m not sure how many tears I have left,
before I call it quits.

When everything’s not alright,
and you feel yourself fading,
don’t put out the light.
Please don’t surrender to the darkness.
As hard as the days are,
and as overwhelming as the sadness is,
don’t fall.
Hold yourself up by whatever faith you have left.
Don’t let the demons whisper in your head.
Shut them out and show them you are stronger.
Remember that with each breath,
you are winning.
Even if each breath takes all you have,
keep moving.
Keep living.

These emotions I hide,
pretending to be strong,
when secretly I want to fall apart.
Is it bad I don’t want to be me?
When everything I do is wrong
and I can’t seem to get it right.
I hate myself for it
and a part of me wishes I could cry.
A part of me wishes I could do something else and go somwhere far away.  
Maybe a place I was more appreciated,
and where I didnt fell like a number.

This year has not been my year.
Ups and mostly downs,
Never feeling quite like myself.
January was my lowest,
a loss of a family member shook me to the core.
Changes came after and nothing went right.
My heart still aches and my head spins.
I’m not sure what to do.
But faith is the only thing that holds me together.
Not faith in myself, but faith in God.
Hoping this storm passes and I will be okay.
Maybe I’m meant for something different,
somewhere away from this all.

I trip over myself day after day,
caught in the web that was so skillfully crafted.
Not right, not perfect, a failure to say the least.
Shame and I now know each other all too well,
and sadness shares in our company.
We’re three peas in pod.
And in my head they play these silent games,
making me feel as ****** as can be.
It’s hard to get rid of them.
They’re stuck like glue,
tangled in the mess I made.
I wish I was more confident,
and a little more brave.
Because maybe then I wouldn’t feel this way,
and maybe then I would finally believe in myself,
and all the wrongs would finally disappear.

Don’t let the moon tell you goodbye
or the sun not greet you with a hello.
Don’t let yesterday fall too soon
and tomorrow never come.
Close your weary eyes,
but only to rest for a while.
Awake in the morning light
and remember each breath.
Don’t let it fade too fast.
Life’s too precious to say no more.
And though the pain is hidden far too well,
know it’s never too deep for someone to care.
Please stay.

Sadness doesn’t care if you made it to the top.
It doesn’t remember the award you won last year,
or the shows that were watched by millions.
It doesn’t know about dress royalty wore,
and miles your shoes walked.
It ignores every dish that told a story,
and every bag that traveled around the world.
It laughs in the face of the memories created,
and not once thinks about tomorrow.
It pushes aside Happiness, befriends Anger,
and comes in like a storm.
But Sadness is never at fault.
Because Sadness can’t help the way she feels.
And truth be told,
No one cares about Sadness.
-MyDreamIsAStory

Not even the darkness can hide your light.
I can see it behind your persona.
Behind the walls you built up with the scars you bared for so long.
You try to act like it doesn't affect you,
like you can wash it away and be fine.
But I know that isn't the truth.
You aren't fine,
and I don't know the exact reason why.
Maybe it's the past,
maybe it's me.
In a way I'm able to break apart what plagues you,
and in my arms you soften,
tears soaking my clothes as you cling to my heart,
refusing to let go.
I didn't know this was how it would be that day I first saw you.
I never knew the rain would come down so hard.
But it did,
and now that I have seen it all,
I'm not sure I could leave.
Your scars are mine.

I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong,
and now I realize I can fix it.

I said I didn't need you,
that you were okay where you were.
But truth was I wasn't the one that was okay.
I was left with the unknown,
afraid if tomorrow would ever come,
and how many mornings I would get to see.
I lied.
I did need you,
and on the cold hard floor with my bags in front of me,
I dialed your familiar number,
and begged you to come.
What I didn't know was you were already there.
You saw through my mask
and knew me better than I knew myself.
I was too in shock,
and all you cared about was being there,
holding my hand through it all,
and looking at me with those same caring eyes
I have gotten to love these few years.

Though I wasn't there when you were at your absolute worst.
Through I didn't hold your hand when you trying to get better,
thinking more about myself than you in that ugly bed,
with those sad eyes,
and the smile that would not return for months.  
I was there in the before and the after,
but I didn't keep my own promise to you when I said I wouldn't leave,
and because of that I regret each moment you crumbled more and more,
and the light that left your face.
I told myself I would do my hardest to not let it escape again when it came back.

And now here you are,
whispering the words I wish I had said to you in your breakdown,
telling me it will be okay,
and that you love me.
That no matter what happened,
you aren't going anywhere.
A kiss on the lips and I know you are right.
You are my rock,
my solid ground when everything inside of me is falling apart
You are that voice I can listen to when the machines get too loud.
And the song in my head I never want to stop.
In sickness you are here with me.
From every outburst or tear I cry,
to each strand of hair I loose,
and watching the color draining from my face.

I wasn't there when the battles with your own fight got too hard.
When your mind kept playing tricks,
and you didn't know how to make it stop.
And all the nightmares that kept returning,
haunting your every waking moment.

But today,
right now,
that doesn't matter.
We're together and if for some reason I don't make it through to see your eyes in the morning,
I'll spend this moment here and now getting lost in them and you getting lost in mine.

I don't want to be this way,
but it's who I am.
Sticks and stones,
and all that other **** knocked me down.
Turned me into a puzzle with a million pieces
scattered on the ground.
Confetti that was stepped on
when the party was over.
And that song on the radio
**** long forgotten by now.

I don't want to feel this crap,
but I can't stop it.
I'm on overdrive,
hitting 90 miles down a never ending backroad.
And with it all,
these tears fall,
and tired eyes can't hold them anymore.

I don't want to be me.
But I guess I'll have to settle,
because me is all I have.

The things that hold us down,
the things that tie us to the ground.

A past of heartaches,
a past of regrets.

All the things we wished we could have said or done.
All the people we wished we would have held on tighter to,
and the people we crave to talk to once more.

The tears that keep us up at night,
the tears that never seem to go away.
The anger that builds up right behind them,
and the sadness that overtakes us like a tidal wave.

The damage in our hearts,
scars we can't forget.

The pain we caused,
and the pain we were dealt.

The loneliness that keeps us boxed,
stuffed with things we can't make go away.

Because deep down inside buried breath the ashes,
we miss the happy times.
The things we loved,
the things we lost.

A scattered mess
he tries so desperately to hide.
No one knows his secrets,
and everything he fears.
Too scared to get close.
Too weary to open up.
What if it all crumbles
and he looses once more?
His mind is spinning,
and even though he wants to leave,
she convinces him to stay,
and around her his walls start to fall.
Sure he's lost before,
and he'll loose again.
Time and time again.
Love, friendship, innocence,
a stranger he understood all too well,
and someone he'll never meet,
but knows with all his heart.
It's an odd game life throws at him,
but he'll play it anyway.
Twists, turns, and everything in between.

A genius of the mind,
he writes with all the passion in the world.
Stories untold,
a masterpiece in the making.
But behind the paper a darkness shows.
His mind won't rest no matter how hard he tries.
And everything around spins out of control.
One moment is all it takes until he comes crumbling to the ground.
The high is there,
and suddenly it turns to anger,
then scared the next.
He falls apart,
hoping someone will pull him together again
before it comes to the point he can never return.

She's a dreamer,
high hopes,
and the world her oyster.
But behind her mask she holds a bruise,
too painful to show.
She isn't who you think she is,
the sparkle and high society nightmare don't reveal her truth.
Inside she's lonely and scared,
not quite sure of what she wants to be.
So she opens a bottle,
and drowns her sorrows,
mumbling every lie that was told to her face.
If only she could stop.
But she can't.
She's in too deep,
the bottle stuck like glue.

Two different stories,
two different people.
Some say they're crazy.
One minute up,
the next down.
But in the midst of healing,
she finds him,
a friend in the making.
And in a way he gets her.
Those lonely thoughts in her mind,
he knows all too well.
And even when he breaks down,
spirals out of control,
she's there without judgment.
He doesn't have to pretend,
and neither does she.
Though they are definitely not lovers,
they share so much,
and of course they have other friends who care.
But it's the silent understanding between them
that make this friendship extra special.

I couldn't bare to show you the me that I hated.
The person who I tried so hard to hide in the months I lost myself,
But I was trapped,
haunted everyday by the darkest of nightmares I locked away.

And in a burst of light,
you came with the key in hand,
taking my memories,
and opening my heart.
You didn't shred them
or try to make me forget.
You handled them with care,
and stood by and watched as I fell apart,
ready to pick me up at a moment's notice.
I wasn't okay and you knew that,
not caring one bit,
still looking at me with those same warm eyes.

And after all this time,
I finally realized I didn't have to hold the lock anymore.
As long as I had you,
I could show every scar,
every nightmare,
and every mess I made.
But I could also show the me that now wanted to heal,
that now wanted to be better.

Through my never ending doubts,
and all my wicked sins.
From every word that came out all wrong,
and the things I did that hurt you so bad.
We made it.
Even if my mind goes astray in some odd way,
you stay.
You're the reason my heart sores,
and the reason I break down and cry.
Before you I never would have broken down these walls.
And before you I never would have wanted to get better.
You came and showed me what love was,
with open arms and eyes that lit up me up from the inside.
Yeah, you showed me something I never felt before.
And I never want to loose that.

We collide like two waves in a hurricane.
Emotions flying through the sky,
but somehow connected like stars in a constellation.
I was right,
you were wrong.
You were right,
and I was wrong.
Together we fit,
though not quite with such smooth edges.
We are not the same,
so different,
and yet we became a pair.
Never wanting to be without one another.
Cause when we're apart the magnets kicked in,
and pulling us away is never so easy.

Two bottles,
one for you and one for me.
The pain seems to magically end,
but one is only a disguise,
and the other leaves me dry.

Two bottles,
One become the problem,
and the other seemingly fixes the underlying cause.
But in no way do either cure the things we have.

Two bottles,
and it's hard to stay away.
We don't want to be this way,
but it's who we've become,
and who we have to deal with.
Like some roll of the dice we were dealt with these odds.

Why us?
I don't know.

But maybe we can fight this.
You can throw away your bottle,
and I'll keep taking mine.
Maybe together,
we'll finally win.

So tired of all the memories 
It brings me back to you
And I can't help but wonder
How I'll go on another year 
Fighting all these demons 
That remind me you're not here 

It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 
 
I go back to that day 
And picture the last time 
It breaks me down
And I fall to my knees
Asking why?
Why? 
 
It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 
 
One year passes, now almost two
And I'm scared to face it
But somehow you know 
And the day though dark 
Was suddenly turned brighter

A beautiful little face
Born on this day 
 
It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 

It's a bittersweet December 
And though it haunts me all the time
I can finally breath again
With the miracle you've blessed
 
In this bittersweet December