when the mountains
come crashing down upon
the crops
and smother us
like a mother
maybe that’ll feel like
love
or wanting.
cause you fed the fire
in me
but now i’m burnt out
you planted the truth in me
but now only lies slip out
of my mouth.
come to think of it
the mountain
peaks are lower
than your
self esteem
can’t believe
i trusted you with
my blood
my tears
my values
you trampled them
like an avalanche.
liquid pours out of
my ears
my eyes fizzing
in them,
carbonation
is making an appearance.
sometimes i don’t know
what to do
i have no clue
what i am writing
right now
let alone
why my mind won’t
stop flooding with
images of your ivory skin.
this prison sentence
is on the brink
of ending.
thank Heaven.
and
i write to fill space
and that’s what
i did
with this.

i have a c+ in chemistry
i have a basic style
i am so far from prodigy
it takes me 10 minutes to run a mile
    
             failure
but why do i desire to be more than one?
    
                             i still think college is an
                             option
   community
college is the best i’ll ever be

                                my friend said that i don’t
                     wanna be trailer trash
                  
    well, i don’t let my worth be defined by grades
  never
                     -no way

it hurts
my pain is immense
i am weird
i am failing
i am a failure
    
                                     and people have the
                                                     guts to say
                                   ahem, no you’re not

you aren’t a mistake or a blank part of a page
  
  
            oh, honey
            trust me
                            I have tried a million times to    
                          
                            BELONG

but ever since my best friend left
    every place i’ve been is
                                                  lOpSidEd
     ­                                             uPPsiDe-doNwnn
  
               i pray to God every night
        and things change
                He helps me through the car crashes
     the beatings
-the emotion

                             i swear,
                                             i owe Him
        i should have redid the lab i already did
    
      ***** you chemistry!
      you’re disgusting!

                           you’ve got me resorting to
                                 yelling at classes
                            and grades i can’t help

a problem

and they are taking ap chemistry
    and they are smart
and might get accepted into harvard
       and they will have wives who bake
  blueberry pie
and five kids in a red minivan
       like my mom and dad
  
                                    failure
          

  ­              i have to go outside
            to tan, to feel like i’m alive
                to try to determine the rest of my life
           at fifteen years old
        
                                              i don’t even trust myself with my chem grades
  
             let alone the whole rest of my life
  
                                                               if only
        we weren’t defined by the grades we get

but society says
  
                        
                                try me, little girl

you like the wild type
rides in your car
lipstick stains on your leather seats
beer breath
headbangers playing guitar
tiny skirts
playful smirks
driving 100 miles in a 70
tabletop dances
soft fingertips
bloodshot cherry red eyes

but honey,
i spend my days in bed
dreaming of love,
butterflies and honeysuckles
my shorts are not too short
i don’t gaze longingly at random men
in public
i listen to boy bands
don’t leave lipstick stains
in stranger’s cars
i get to know people first

you like the wild type
but you could always give me a try
i can be wild in some ways
like going camping
and kissing for a few seconds
tackle me in the haystack
hold me like you wish you
never would have touched anything else
we don’t need late night ***** sessions
after getting obliterated
we can share hotel rooms
and sleep in separate beds
to keep it cutesy
road trips across the country
off-roading
while obeying the speed limit
contentment spreading across the flowers
and it reaches the sky

you know,
i’m not the original wild type
but i can go wild and crazy for you anytime

i understand that you don’t want to be a human
causing problems or making the news
or just trying to exist without lighting a fuse
with some thickheaded scoundrel
but
lay low
don’t mind the throbbing hearts
the fire breathing sweat machines
who slice heads off just for fun or for selfish reasons
slip into your burrow
the hyenas and lions don’t dig
(i think so)
if you drown out the noise, the noise will sound like a murmur
of distant chatter
it won’t matter
only emerge to get some food for thought
so on that note,
you won’t see me in a couple of years
at least until the fire swallows up the earth
and manages to seep into the dirt
that’s when i’ll emerge

i’m more human than you are
more human than your wickedly
accentuated cheekbones
the hair that falls in clumps above
your eyebrows
has more life in each strand
than you have in your entire body
your charcoal colored locks
that get lightened in the sunshine
gather more oxygen
than your own lungs can inhale

i’m more human than you are
when i laugh, i can’t breathe
when i’m anxious, i feel inches away
from death
it lingers in the pockets of the heat
it traps inside my airways
yet, i can breathe finer air than you

even though the haze upon the horizon
blocks traffic, makes people stop for a second
it is more alive than you’ll ever be
it winds and dips and turns
flowing through the atmosphere
creeping down the downtown streets
yet, it’s more awake than your resting body

and i understand this might be
a touchy
subject for you
but you need to let the air stay in your lungs
for more than a millisecond
let it sizzle inside your skin
feel your vessels and veins shrink and grow
let the blood flow reach your panicked head
let it expand inside your brain
and feel the cells chatter and goop
like water

you’re more human than you think
yourself to be
more raw and real and vigorous
you have a soul buried in your eyes
unlike the caterpillars chewing on
plants who only do it to keep their
species thriving
you’re a human who can extend their limbs
to reach the furthest lengths
your heart can think to be
bursting with life

i’m still more human than you are
this pen i was locked in
stuffed my self esteem
but i’m still breathing, aren’t i?
i can chase the wonky walking warbler
i can lie
between blades of grass
letting the earth sink into the linings
of my skin
even though an itch might bust through
i still find a way to absorb the
outside weather
the humidity and the direction the
wind is blowing, or choosing to travel

you’re more human than you think
can retreat from out of you
breathe, and maybe the cricket chirps
will make you resort back to
rolling down hilltops or
jumping off rugged cliffs
next time when you jump
internalize it
and maybe next time
imagine you’re a sparrow for a second
tasting the air, as the water embraces you
and calls your name
so,

                          answer back

the mirror plays favorites
she twiddles the beauty queen’s golden hair
she puckers up so lipstick can be placed on her full lips
her hair the perfect length to play with
not dry, but smooth and so healthy

she picks the prom queen’s silky dress with dignity
it’s perfect for her malnourished body
it lays and sits so beautifully
the mirror sees her and appreciates the craft she created
grins, and puts silver and gold expensive earrings on her ears

but when i approach,
she turns her face in disgust
throws an outfit at me; ripped jeans and a tacky t-shirt
she says i’m too fat and that i should keep my legs far apart so people don’t notice how weird i look
she grimaces at me and i walk away bashfully
‘never letting her look at me again’
i say
but
i always come back for her critical opinion
and i accept it
that’s exactly what i am
not beautiful, a fat failure

forgetting isn’t so bad after all
me not checking my test score cause if i don’t see it then i didn’t get that bad grade
isn’t exactly crazy
if i forget those words that imbecile described me as
oh, they’ll go away
disperse into the air
fly to someplace i’m forbidden to go to
i wouldn’t let those stupid words singe my bones
dangle in the mirror, ready to puncture me with those razor-sharp teeth
let me forget
this entire year of excruciating pain and crippling anxiety
feed it to the hungry souls in the graveyard
they will enjoy my disfavor
the ghouls can haunt that imbecile with his petty attitude and ruthless words that he thinks don’t incapacitate people
teach him a lesson in being a decent human being
he’s lucky i’m not vengeful
i don’t crave revenge, i crave to forget
to forget those years that felt like below freezing ocean waves over emaciated bodies
that stripped away comfort and shoved anguish down the throats even of entitled jerks
my brain wishes it could comprehend math and chemistry like he could
if it was that simple, i wouldn’t be worried at this point of the year when i don’t even care enough to pretend to care
let me forget that i let my friends down by talking out loud or shutting my mouth or by hesitating
i don’t wanna be the new doll placed in front of the county that i don’t belong in
those days when i went to Lake Erie and saw hot air balloons lift up into the horizon and ate sausages at some pretty hotel and then went to the beach and let the waves crash into my small figure and i’d smile because life was so easy and simple
i didn’t have to worry about failing chemistry for the year
or what ***** was gonna call me ugly when i entered that ancient building
let me forget the torment
let me forget

listen, i know everyone dies
it’s inevitable
so why do we cry when our loved ones die?
i don’t understand this world
this mandatory thing
that happens no matter what good or bad decisions you make
i am not a nihilist
so i am not saying ‘everybody dies, and nothing means anything’
i want to be someone’s centerfold
i need
someone to miss me when i am gone
i need
to be held in the arms of someone who relishes in the time spent with me
someone to go to church with me
love God like me
love life sometimes like me
die with me
cause everybody dies

who thought the stab wounds would ever go away?
from the dawn of the earliest day
to the now
to the plague
was it ever gonna improve?
will it ever improve?
     cause people still take over bodies
     they can’t help their temptations
     they have to hurt others to make up for their      
     pathetic lives  
a few decades ago
there was slaughtering of the innocent
hearts lay dying, souls corrupted
     there were bombs and heavy breathing
     children having hard times sleeping
     guns to heads that haven’t developed
     entirely
and people still spray chemicals
in their “opponent’s” mouths
their tongues breathe fire
their lips so proud
     oh, what have we made?
     is this a good thing?
     i know this is definitely not ok
but oh, what can we do?
we are so doomed
they said humankind wouldn’t last longer than
a full moon
i guess they were right, whoever uttered those
words
how can the world improve if all of its occupants can’t change?
why do we all breed hate?
why is it almost gonna be too late?
    i wish God hadn’t trusted us with his gifts
   we bulldoze them over
   we give them a cold shoulder
  
t h e  f l o o d  s h o u l d  h a v e  j u s t  
w i p e d  u s  a l l  o u t

or maybe it did
and the only thing left
were the demons
  hungry
ready
to
prowl


and you know, people are still justifying murdering babies so we really are doomed

hopeless romantic here.
hi.
i know you probably tell your parents that love doesn’t feel like it does in the movies
it’s overrated
i am guessing that’s what you say
but i
ok, maybe i am naive
but i
i don’t think love will feel like it does in the movies either
it will be better
and i hold that hope in my heart
that one day i will walk out of a restaurant
and i will see a familiar face
because soulmates are real
(the ones who don’t have them, or so they say, their partner died or couldn’t cross the layer between love and selfishness)
they are real
i think so at least
call me stupid
hopeless romantic
yes,
that’s me
i don’t get offended by that name
i swear it gets better than this
it gets better
love makes it better
it might be hard
but what have you ever done that was worth your time that wasn’t hard?
huh?
i want another person to be my safety, my rock, my eternity
bathe me in their river
cause it gets better
it does get better
and love makes it better

please
take all the time you need with me
i have been waiting for forever
what’s a couple more weeks?

i don’t wanna be that girl who uses her body
i don’t wanna be a little toy for one night and one night only
i am not that kinda girl

i will not be the kind of girl you can just push around
i will not be the laughed at puppet in some circus show for morons
i will not be her

i hope i am never the kind of girl who throws away her life
i hope i am never the person who loses her head and doesn’t go to church
i hope i am never her

and right now
i don’t wanna be the girl who cries cause she’s lost and lonely
but i am
and i am sorry that i let you down

i’m sick of the fake world of social interaction
slouching, but pretending when someone asks
“haha, you should totally go for it,” when i don’t even support such a decision

also you should have showed me that story too
although it’s so cringe and i could do without
it
but i’m bad with people, talking, chatting
being a person of substance
substantially
i spilled my sticky juice down my hands
and pretended like it wasn’t uncomfortable and awkward
some weird kid i try to call my friend just hit my other friend’s boyfriend
like an infantile sociopath
now i am getting off topic
but
in my classroom
why are people saying being like that is a sin?
they aren’t even smart enough to believe who God really is
how sad that they’ll never be wasted
until they get burned
and maybe yesterday was awful
but maybe today is way worse
because i am fed up with everyone
(i don’t wanna curse)
i hope there’s no more rolling eyes and annoyed glances coming out from me
or maybe you should just be less annoying
yeah, be less annoying,
children

i became skinny, but i still hated myself
i worked my **** off trying to “lose weight”
i was always skinny
what was i on?
i watched my slim figure in the mirror
and
cried
i was never good enough
i still don’t think i am
no—
i will never be enough
cause i think i’m ugly despite one or two people calling me pretty
my clothes don’t fit and i panic
i told my friend i needed to lose weight
and she said i was super skinny
i don’t know why
it shocked me
cause the body dysmorphia is vicious
and she is my biggest bully
my legs are muscular
i walk all day, run at night
i swear
i’m not lying about that
yes
i pace around my room
cause apparently that’ll shed pounds
heck, i’m one hundred and twenty pounds
yes—
i said it
it’s mostly muscle
but i think i’m fat
perhaps, i haven’t thought about my weight or my legs for a long while
but yesterday i saw my stomach in the mirror
and i can’t stop thinking about that
i’m gonna start doing ab exercises
so i can be toned
and i know i’ll be happy
by those results
i’m still ugly though
i am so sorry for the self deprivation
but it’s come the time when i accept that i will never be beautiful
and i don’t know
perhaps that’s perfectly valid

you hate me cause i don’t put my lips to yours in the dim light
i hate eye contact, low cut
dresses,
myself,
love and its victims, how nobody listens
amber heard, how her lawyer’s bad with words
i love vintage looking movies, love running,
despise losing
i love staying at home, i love being alone,
not running around acting like a dumb blond
i’m sick of stereotypes, reckless nights, crying in cabs,
drinking my life away
i hate the poltergeist, how he tries to be nice,
just call me ugly and slap me across my face
begging’s fine sometimes, if you’re right,
or if you wanna be immature (4 once)
i want to overdose, get super close to a boy who’s an easy choice
i want to be with someone
i want to kiss at night, but not have to fight,
or prove myself using my body
so if you wanna be like that, go ahead, but i’ll probably hit you in the head
try to be yourself not anyone else
and you’re not a martyr, you murderer,
quit trying
to
convince everyone that you’ve been scrutinized
when i’m gonna be told to lose my clothes and i’m just gonna have to laugh it off
when in all seriousness, i’m exhausted of this business
quick kiss and wish lists
and ‘get rid of her by the afternoon’
but if i could hold you or even get you, i wouldn’t be that true
i’d do anything to be yours
oh, i’m sick of this
remember it
i hate long awkward pauses and
all this applause
and
being passive-aggressive
maybe i hate to commit, i haven’t even been in a relationship
so keep your blue eyes away from mine, you won’t charm me this time
besides, you aren’t even real
i won’t beat myself up because you wanna love
me in a different light or with none at all
half of this doesn’t even concern you
you don’t even have empathy, huh, would you?
why would you care what i like?
when your hands aren’t still, they’re in for the ****, just drown me in this hazy white world
cause God knows i’m trying and i can’t help lying
beside you and to everyone i know
so
give me a second
you aren’t just heaven
slow your pulse
i’m not gonna give in
it’s ok to not
invade my privacy
don’t get on those carpet-burned knees
accept my offer or leave
besides, i am ugly-
don’t dim the lights
it’s 12:30 at night
and everyone’s on the balcony
so this is it for today
i will finally walk away
watch my ribs crack and me grabbing my neck
at least i came out alive
so if you wanna hate me for not putting my lips to yours
go ahead, be immature
i can just close the door
unless you want me to stay and be the greatest company
you’ve ever had
without going to bed-
that’s it, i’m leaving now
just something to think about
if you really want me-
heck, i don’t even want me

how am i still hopeful?
dreaming up plots that are impossible
who do i wanna be?
can you laugh at my jokes?
call me invincible?
pull me in your arms so it doesn’t get cold?

make me your Heaven in human form
cause you’re an angel, i hope you know
as long as one day you can laugh at my jokes
maybe i’ll be invincible

if you love my writing, i’ll love you

i wanna feel your hands
on my body
like poetry
stanzas and alliterations
upon my guilty skin

your eyes twinkle
and they sing
i’m sure you would be good at writing
we could exchange ideas
paint words vividly
but maybe you do write out of
your own accord
i don’t actually know you, forgive me

i am tired of being invisible
know me
let me know you
in a way that no one else knows you
a way that is secretive
but capable

i’ll write your wrongs
and right down the street
are my open arms
to hold you in spite of the horror
to build you sanctuary
to construct buildings out of
your bulging eyes
hold me as well

i am not a handful
whatsoever
          just kidding

but whatever
let me be your muse
that way i can live forever in
hardback books and film screens
so i don’t doze off one day and leave
no memories
that way
you’ll always have me

i can stamp you on paper and
keep you in the paragraphs
and
line breaks

i can sketch your eyes into crystal *****
fortune tell for the distant future
inside of our tightly held palms

i will love every square inch of your
olive oil skin
and every ounce
of your soulful soul

i’ll write you into metaphors
about the land, sea, and animals
scream your name at the top of my
lungs until
you magically appear
i’ll wipe your tears
and
toss em’ off your pillowcase
read you bedtime stories about
how the moon adores the tides so
much, but they change every time
  she
    moves

also how the sun stopped shining
and ruined his true love
with the earth
and ever since then, all citizens
get burned in extra passionate heat
he wanted to make it up to her.
but he can’t.

please adore the way i draw the
rhyming into poetry
fantasize about me smiling on a bridge
in Chicago
so tiny in comparison to the
skyscrapers
that cling to the clouds
almost touching Heaven
(they think so)

be my muse
if not from closeup
at least far-away
or
at least
at arms length
cause
i wanna feel your chilly
hands grace my body
like choirs in unison
looovvvvveeeeee mmmmeeeee

(or at least like my poetry)

(you don’t even have to like me)

(just read it)

chomping on crunchy bones- my frail bones
how hard is it to just be a skeleton
unbothered, just straight-up dead
under the grave, just a small feeble corpse
let me rest in peace, you deadly humans,
let me be
i can’t stand the silence let alone the laughter
of the ****** bodies with crooked souls
let me rest in peace
it’s like an inferno down below
why can’t it be just like before?
when i was just a skeleton in the grave
before they sawed my bones
before i lost my own
head
in these weeds
in these plunging depths
let me rest in peace, you foul idiots

sweaty hands, take me to dance
i swung my arm around
you told me i was doing it wrong
so you grabbed my waist
and swayed
to the beat of the drums
to the beat of my overwhelmed heart
the neon lights shone on your heavenly face
i stared deeply into your glowing eyes
my sister was jealous
that i could land you
so easily
from that glittering stage with neon lights
into your arms only tonight

i am trapped.
glued to the floor.
quicksand around my ankles.
enveloping my lungs.
can’t breathe.
can’t stop.
dragging me down to the depths.
the depths of inescapable nightmares.
tumbling.
sinking.
begging.
screaming ****** ******.
sand filling my throat.
scratching my esophagus so roughly.
clawing at my sensitive skin.
scraping my neck.
open wounds.
hourglass specks falling on top of me.
quicksand pulling me under.
can’t think.
can’t breathe.
arms reaching for anything.
branches, safety—more sand.
bubbling stomach with layers of salty sand.
pleading.
suffocated by the dust.
head underneath.
engulfed by the vicious sand.
gone.

i wish this was the last thing i would ever write for you. i just wanna move on, but i watched you walk across the dewy lawn and i felt empty inside. ghost town vibes. it hurts seeing you be the life of the party, the happy one, the “gets out of situations so easily cause she’s so pretty.” being friends with you was so amazing and i wish i didn’t take it for granite (granted apparently) back then.
cause now i’m the loser and ashamed that i didn’t say hi to you. now i ignore your every move as if i don’t even know who you are and nobody even knows that we knew each other or were, oh my gosh—friends. oh wait, forgot one word, or two. best friends forever. bffs. we drew in notebooks together, went to the book fair and found little friendship books and wrote in them. we were attached at the hip, so incredibly close. why did we lose that connection? you have so many **** friends and i have nothing against them, i just wish they would help bring back our friendship. and i am sick and tired (exhausted) of seeing you in the halls and looking the other way or up at the ceiling. i am embarrassed that it’s come to this. avoiding eye contact because i fear you hate me, cause God forbid, you send me a single message saying, “you know, i hate to admit it, but i miss you and i wanna start over.” but no. and perhaps i’m coming to full terms with that. i guess the contract is over and the summer sun has sunken into the fortress of the creepy night. i’m fine. it’s just- you had your car and i wished to ride in the front seat jamming out to music before school and having study halls together and making friends together and being friends forever. but it’s ok. i realized true friendship doesn’t exist. it’s all an in the moment thing. they’ll say they wanna be friends forever, but once you move from the ground to the sea, you’ll never wanna be dry again. and i get it. my lungs are drowning in the water, but i still don’t wanna climb out before it’s too late. i’m so sorry

the dusty old school rock cds on the cracked cubby top
brush it off, but some still remains
coughing a bit up before setting it down to reminisce
it all reminds me of
the way the Polaroid camera snapped the life outta me
how every word you said was so heavy that i started sinking
how we were headbanging for kicks and started becoming wild creatures
how the radio cringed and squealed and how we still sang every word to “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
how the guitar riffs are just pain coming out into art
bursting with meaning and passion

the dusty old school rock cds sit there, stationary on that same cracked cubby top
and we recall the past as if it was some life-changing yesterday

could someone please fill the lines of their notebook with my name
write poetry
they may or may not wanna tell me about
but it keeps them awake at the witching hour
and they want my lips to leave marks on their pillowcases
they want my voice to ring throughout their hollow hallways
echoing through their bitten hearts
so i can finally be wanted
and i won’t have to stay up at the witching hour, crying tears of loneliness cause i’ll have someone who’ll sketch my eyes with charcoal and construct a poem out of my sadness and we can be best buddies
**** it
i wish it was all that easy.

would it be easier if i was prettier?

tiny footprints in the grainy sand

-gunshots

tiny footprints in the salt licked sand

tiny footprints stay in the sand

until the tide washes away all the evidence

dynamite with purple eye
bags
sweating through the steamy night
glad
you came here with your raspberry lies
mad
in stuck suburban side
tad
bit on the fiery side
like
dynamite
kryptonite
tnt
confide in me
lucid dreams
paranoid screaming through tiny teeth
sad
you didn’t want to plummet
back
into purple eye
bags
dynamite
drags
on cigarettes
and chloroform eye-
lids
bad
luck and stuck with dynamite
kryptonite
explosive nights
raspberry lies
hazardous tries
and over the top
mad
ness
and the fear of being a reject
with eruptive tendencies
toxic needs
and a little bit of tnt
lack
of relatability
and dynamite
mad
this world is too
sad
to be blowing stuff up right now
but
glad
there isn’t a frenzy of deadbeats
only purple eye
bags
and would
haves
and tnt

there are brats and rats and scumbags
crowbars and cheap cars and phantom stars
in the town of denial
down by the frothy beach
in the middle of a place called insanity

there are temptresses and trespasses and messages
phony ploys and bloodthirsty boys and aimless joys
in the dust-accompanying countryside
the place that silver wolves and pistols occupy
in foreboding high midnight sighs

there is loneliness and helplessness and acid
soda cans and grunge bands and peculiar bans and queer vans
all inside my throbbing heart
in the space i refuse to stay
in the place where it’s never “ok”

down by the frothy beach
in the middle of a place called insanity

me.

oh, how i wish i could be those girls in miniskirts
those girls who make 360 turns
in their Range Rovers
those girls who have boyfriends in perms
those girls who never recycle
those girls who party all night and never see real struggles
those girls who find opportunities on their rich stepdad’s floor
those girls who walk lightly cause they’re attainable  

but those girls die early due to their depression
they overdose on medication cause the media’s attention is too
unconventional
they scream into their pillows at night and
cut their tongues to make an effort to be silent
they kick and punch, but the world has no sympathy
they get discarded and left for the next best thing

and so
maybe i don’t wanna be those girls
i wanna stick to my world
where normal isn’t boring, it is a staple
and in a world where the only thing the future holds
is the future
not sick and twisted girls in miniskirts