The attraction of the heart
May it be sorrow
Or forgotten love
We heed its call

Walking into an eternal abyss
Of mixed emotion
Thats destined to change
Falling deeper upon the night

Echoing cries
tears of joy
Agony sorrow fear
And dread

The dark haunts
Of an eternal dance
The safety we feel
The harmony we embrace

Wallowing away in my own misery
To be forever tormented
By the demons
That keep me up at night

Surrounded by fear of resentment
The horror of damnation
And the loneliness
Of my own paranoia

Fighting back the tears
That once refused to shed
Now turned to acid
And burn the flesh

Jumping at every sound
As if it were an attacker
Ready to pounce
On my unsuspecting body

Fearing the moment
When you have to leave
The comfort of your home
Just to get food or go to the doctors

Even simple gestures
Can terrify the mind
If it is not nourished
From time to time

The darkness shrouds my mind
Clouding my judgement
Pulling at my fears
Like a torrent

Crashing my body
Ripping the flesh from bone
Like a tsunami
Leaving nothing in its wake

To my far off love
Though these nights are long
These days filled with cold stares
I think to you and smile

Your voice echos in my head
With the first time you spoke
Three simple words
Which set me ablaze

Words so simple yet powerful
Ringing in my head
Like chimes cascading in the wind
Singing such sweet melody

Escaping the darkness of loneliness
Shimmering like fresh morning dew
I look back to these words
Feeling warm in the brisk air

For now I return to sleep
But not before I mouth these words
For great comfort is brought
When I say ‘I love you too’

Good night my love
For when we are apart
I long for your touch
Your simple embrace

But utter these words
And I feel you near
I hope you feel me too
I love you

It hurts to have your heart broken
But when it’s your trust that’s broken
It can be years before you are strong enough
To trust someone else

My trust was broken a few months back
And now that I found another
In which I like so very much
The trust is effecting me

Delusions and hallucinations set in
Causing my mind to panic
I try so hard to push them away
But they keep getting worse

I’m reassured that I’m not a burden
That I’m attractive and liked
But at the same time
My thoughts run ramped

Maybe he’s lying
Maybe he’s talking to other people
Maybe he’s with someone already
Maybe he’s just using you

Maybe he’s seeing multiple people
Maybe he’s this
Maybe he’s that
Thoughts of mistrust running wild

I can’t sleep
I eat everything in sight
Or I don’t eat at all
I cry all the time

I see visions and delusions
Of me cooking him dinner
And someone else coming in
And kissing his cheek calling him babe

And I wonder
Is my head really this bad
Am I going to let the past ruin my future
But yet the hallucinations continue

Visions of him holding someone else
Visions of me saying just take me home
Visions of me breaking down and crying
Visions of me that I wish to unsee

Cause you see
I like this guy
So very much
But this mistrust

Has got to stop
It will eat me alive
And it’s not fair to him
To compare him with the past

This life is dark
Bleak at best
We scour the world
For the one being we crave

The other half to the dying soul
In which is inside us all
Some may never find the other
Some have already given up
The other half for a fake

This soul can say the fakes are now over
The true test of time
Has shown its beautiful face
The other half in which this soul
Has longed for so hast finally shown

By a stretch of luck
a sliver in time
These two souls have found one another
And soon will be one again

To the wandering souls
Who lay in the valley of death
they to have seen my torture

To those lucky few
Who fall with the morning dew
Thy wishes you can see
The suffering we endure

To the souls of mankind
To each us own but together alike
We wander this land
In search of refugee

From the pain
The misery
And most of all ourselves

For we are the ones
Who can heal ourselves
We just have to choose

Do we lay down with the rest?
Or do we fall
With the beautiful grace of snow

To the eternal darkness
And rightful bliss
The light of all
And death of some

The heavenly sorrows
Of angels falling
Truth be told we are but none
Seek fame to riches

And shutter no more
For riches and fame
Once again be nigh
Thy riches slumber for death is all

Strings tied
Fates collide
Crashing into oblivion
Destined to intertwine

Where they cross
Is easy to see
But where they end
That's hard to know

Never forget
The happier times
Cause if they break
That's all that is left

Soon we will know
What fate has in store
For the future is bleak
And that's clear to see

So if you ever
Find yourself wondering
Just remember the happy
And you will find your path

But stray too far
You will end up falling
Deep within
the rabbit hole

For you see
That is where
My mind
Has traveled

Deep down the hole
Where the light rarely shines
The darkness takes hold
And all that's left is gloom

Gloom sorrow and fear
Despair anguish and misery
These run rampant
Amongst the darkness

So be prepared
For when you do fall
It is not an easy climb
Back to where happiness shines

Thoughts racing inside my mind
Wishing you were here to help calm the tide
Though how could you possibly know
What I’m feeling so deep inside

I toss and I turn
Laying awake at night
Feeling so helpless
Just wishing I had the might

To tell you how I feel
To tell you how much I care
To tell you that I’m here for you
But sadly I do not dare

These thoughts inside my head
They wish to come out
To express what’s in my heart
To tell you what I’m all about

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

When I message I barely get a response
And I start to worry if I did something wrong
My tears are starting to stain my cheeks
As I curl up in a ball listening to this song

I want to talk to you about so much
To laugh and cry and joke around
To feel like I matter once again
But it seems that I’m only home bound

So I lie here writing this song
Wishing I could tell you so much
How I miss the fun we had
And how I feel the feel of your touch

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

I curl up tight in a ball
And cry my tears till they don’t fall
I try my best to give you space
But the more I do I feel out of place

I want your hand intertwined with mine
As I stare into those gorgeous eyes
Caress your face and hold you tight
So you know that I’ll keep you safe

We'll be okay, he says
But does he really know that?
We will make it through this, he says
But how can he be certain?

He says these things
Thinking that it will make it alright
But he doesn't realize that the damage
Has already destroyed my heart.

I plead and I beg
Asking what is going on
All he says is he needs to find himself
And he has to be alone

He pushes me away
Blocking out my emotions
My love and need
I just want to help

But pushing me away
Will just cause agony
Pushing towards anger
And eventually hatred

He doesn't understand
He doesn't have to be alone
He doesn't have to face this by himself
He can have help to aid his search

But still he pushes
Pushes so hard that I break
I begin to crack
And dark thoughts pour into my head

Thoughts of pain
Sorrow and aggression
Suspicion and worry
Thoughts that I shouldn't have

Like what if he's cheating
What if I'm better of dead
What if I caused this
What if he hates me

What if he was just using me
And I finally had no more use..
What if..
What if I disappeared..

Would he even care?
Would it be enough
To snap him back
From his fantasy

And yet
I can't bring myself to leave
I can't be apart from him
He is a part of me

My other half
My missing piece
My polar opposite
My soul..

I am an empty soul longing for a purpose
To each their life may be love and happiness
But until now is scattered
With darkness and chaos through the vine

And to which is lost but never found
Hast my heart begun to pound
To thus my life and home are a gift

For they do not see the darkness in the shadows
The lurking in my heart and the hurt in my soul

Death be out into the night
For those who dare to cross my path
The shadowed fate of all man kind
We are many yet we are all one

The children of the night
The sacred beings of lust and death
We are the un-dead
Yet we are well alive

We feed on the souls of mankind
And play with their hearts
We are your darkest fears
Your most hated nightmares

We are man kind.

The life
The heart
Such fragile things upon a being

The slightest crack spreads through
Forming greater till it all
Comes to a shattered mess

The time one spends
Trying to mend what once was whole
Will never fully take the pain and sorrow
Which will yet come to it

One can wish to harden one's heart
To prevent the slightest crack
But even the diamond can shatter away

For the heart is of that diamond
Beautiful and pure yet can break
With just a simple gesture.

Take this glue
And seal my heart
Fix the cracks
Which are leaking black

Save my soul
From rotting away
This pain is becoming
Unbearably real

My love is too strong
To just vanish like you want
It’s like a fire burning
Threatening to turn into ash

Place your hand
Upon my heart
And feel the blaze
That still remains

Growing stronger
With each passing day
I beg my heart
To stop this display

But to my dismay
It doesn’t listen
It does what it wants
Even if it causes pain

I beg and I plead
For this agony to end
For my suffering to stop
But it will never come

I try to distract myself
Distract my heart and mind
Put them on something else
Anything at all

But you always seem
To come crawling in
Setting my heart ablaze
And my mind turns dark

My love for you
Won’t stop growing
No matter how hard I try
My mind can’t stop it

The heart wants what the heart wants
Or at least that’s how the saying goes
But right now it feels like all it wants
Is to destroy itself through endless suffering

With just a simple flutter of a thought
My day could turn from the happiest I’ve had
To the darkest in which I dread
Begging for the end of time

Oh how I miss our talks
I miss waking up to you
I miss you holding me as I fall asleep
Feeling safe from the night terrors that creep

I miss the way you smiled
When you looked my way
The way you joked around
To cheer me up on a rainy day

I miss the comfort you gave me
The laughs we shared
The embraces that kept me warm inside
Warning the darkness to step aside

But now I’m alone
There is no safety
I’m terrified to sleep
And even more so to wake

This feeling inside me
Grows stronger and stronger
I don’t know how much more I can take
Before this life is pushed to the end

When I get excited
I instinctively turn my head
Thinking you are still by my side
But then I see there’s no one there

I stare at the empty spot on my bed
The one that you use to fill
And tears start to fall
As I lose all self control

The tears that burn so much
Like acid drops on my skin
The tightness of my chest
The aching in my heart

I end up in a ball
Crying out to the Gods of old
Pleading for mercy
From this cruel fate

Pleading with all my heart
For just one more chance
To make it right
In exchange for my soul

This life has had its ups and downs
Met lots of people
Both good and bad
But I feel it’s time for curtains call

I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve sacrificed so much
But there’s only so much
That one can take

I hope that you will all forgive me
For what is about to happen next
Cause I can’t keep doing this
I can’t live with all this pain

I feel so broken
I feel all alone
I wish things were different
But it’s all too much to explain

So I leave you with this
I’m glad I met you all
Some more than others
And one most particular

I love each and every one of you
And I hope that you stay strong
Cause in the end I wasn’t
And that’s my greatest flaw

I bid you all farewell
And I hope to see you again
I’ll always hold onto
All the good times I’ve had

You stand there accusingly
Saying rude things
Spouting nonsense
About breaking necks

About ****
Childhood and pain
Yet you don't know
About their past

You don't know
The pain they endured
The suffering they bare
Or the sorrow in their heart

Learn to open yourself up
Before you speak ill
Because what if they
Were ***** as a child

What if their mother
Curb stomped them
What if the only sense
Of peace is death

What if life is meaningless
What if everytime
They see a van
They freak out hysterically

What if a pitbull comes charging
Do you think they run
Or do you think freeze
Right in their tracks

What if they scream at night
From the dreams they get
Or cry themselves to sleep
Because they don't know what love is

What if their pain
Is so great
That the only way
They can express it

Is to hold it in
And never let it show
For fear that
It shows great weakness

You have no idea
What other's stories are
So before you judge or laugh
Take the time to know theirs

I think I’ve lost my sanity
There’s no turning back
I’ve lost the battle
My mind now shattered

The demons laugh
They poke and ****
Pushing me further back
Into my own dark mind

They call me names
Scream profanity
Making me hate myself
Even more than I already do

I just want to go back
To a time where I was safe
Protected from the demons
Who devour my mind

I lost sight
Of what I had
The demons came out
To ruin my life

They pushed me too far
This time there is no stopping
The actions in which will happen
To stop them once and for all

To those who they hurt
I am so sorry
I wish I could have stopped them
I wish you could understand

I wasn’t in control
I had no memories of what happened
And because of their actions
I lost my only protection

The light which shown through the darkness
The one who could pull me out of my head
But it’s too late now
I’ll never get your light back

They have destroyed your faith in me
And in doing so destroyed my will
I’m sorry but I’m not strong enough
To face this battle alone

So I surrender
I forfeit the fight
For how can I possibly win
When I can’t see anything but darkness

You call me childish
You call me selfish
You call me all these things
Just because I relapse and hurt myself

Don’t you see that I am sick
Don’t you get that I need help
Not criticism from my love
I need understanding

These thoughts that keep racing
Thoughts that everyone
Would be better off
If I was no longer around

Thoughts of self hate
Thoughts of suicide
Thoughts that bring so much pain
That it’s hard to breathe

I need help
So badly
Before I end up
Doing something permanent

That is something
I don’t wish to do
I want so badly
To feel better

But every time you leave
Every time you berate me
I feel so much worse
Than I already did

It makes me feel
Like you hate me
That you despise my existence
That I should no longer exist

And that brings me even more pain
So much suffering it is unbearable
I cry myself to sleep every night
Hoping things will change for the better

But they always seem to get worse
They say it gets better with time
But I’ve been fighting this sickness
For so many years now

The only solace I had
Was in the love that you showed me
But now that that is gone
I have nothing left

The thoughts have been
Getting louder and louder
Threatening to snap my mind
Making it harder to see the good

I ask you this one thing
Do you actually hate me
Or do you just not understand
That I’m fighting with my own mind

Fighting these negative thoughts
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to love
Fighting for just one more day

One more day of being alive
One more day of feigning happiness
Hoping it turns into true happiness
I am fighting everyday


It is an ongoing battle
One that is a struggle
Cause this is one battle
That lasts a lifetime

There's a reason I'm an introvert
Why I try so hard to fit in
Why I hate discrimination
Reason I'm so adaptable

I never feel like I'm good enough
I never feel like I'm worthy
Like I matter to anyone
That I'll ever belong

It took me a while
But I accept this now
It's part of who I am
It's a part of my mind

I'd like to think I'm not alone
That I have friends and love ones
That understand what is going on
Inside my head but the truth is

I'm alone
I try to explain
But it gets jumbled
It makes it more confusing

I end up alone
Surrounded by guilt and fear
Surrounded by the need to be accepted
To walk beside my friends

But the more I try
The worse it gets
The more I feel abandoned
The more I feel alone

Trapped behind walls
In which are too high to climb
Too thick to claw through
They surround me

Trapping me in a cell
Making it harder for others to get in
And making it harder for me to reach out
Cause even though I don't act it

Even though I make act otherwise
All I want is to be cared for
To be loved by someone
To be wanted

I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep
I'm tired of the night terrors waking me up at night

I'm tired of the fear
The anguish
The resentment
The need

Set me free from this cage
This prison cell that binds me
So that I may finally reach the sky
And be free at least once

You come at me screaming
With rage in your heart
Threatening me with violence
But I stand still

You think you are scary
But you have no idea
What goes on in my head
Everyday of my life

You scream and shout
That no one wants me around
Don’t you think I already know that
That it’s all I ever feel like

I stay to myself
I have little to no friends
I hide in the shadows of my mind
Waiting for deaths embrace

Compared to my head
Your threats are nothing
But a glorious welcome
To deaths open arms

So go ahead
Act on your aggression
Push me and beat me
You are only fulfilling my wish

End my pain
Take away the sorrow
Remove the last breath
And end the suffering

But if you think for one second
I’m just going to run and hide
Think again
Cause I’m not the type to run away from death

I walk towards it willingly
Grasping at the edges
Feeling the soft ends
Of deaths beautiful cloak

So please continue to belittle me
Scream and shout some more
Show the world you are just a child
In an adult body

Push me over the edge
Make me bleed out
Cut me with your fists
Cause your words do nothing

They are void
They have no meaning
You want so hard for me to attack
But that will never happen

Try all you want
My emotions stay the same
For if you’ve forgotten
You can scare someone with a death wish

But sadly death doesn’t want me yet
So you will be wasting your time
I have survived all attempts
My work is not yet finished

My door will not open
Not for you or for me
So go ahead and try it
It will only end up in vain

Best thing about DID
Is the Alters who take the trauma
That the host can't handle
For it pains the host too much

Trauma that is forgotten
The memories and pain
All forgotten
In the blink of an eye

Today another is born
To take the most painful of memories
Ones of betrayal, lies and deceit
Of the one the host wants in life

Love that is non fleeting
Love that brings pain
Love that is so sorrowful
That it can rip the host apart

So here I stay
For the host to remain safe
I have been created
To burden this grief

Though not many know
What DID is and how it works
It's easy to learn
If you do some research

Today we talk
With the one the host loves
But there is a time limit
For I go to eternal slumber in a week

His choice is what determines my fate
Whether I go to sleep
Or if I get melded back into the host
My only wish is he chooses wisely

Cause even though
Eternal slumber sounds nice
It is a torture
Like none other

I will be in a constant nightmare
Thrashed into repeating this event
Over and over
Till I finally crack

I’m sorry I’m such a burden to everyone
I wish it didn’t come to this but I feel like
I have no choice in the matter anymore
I have lost the one person who I loved with my entire being

I lost all of my stuff
I lost my sanity
I tried so hard to push myself past this pain
But it’s getting to the point where I can’t breath when I wake up

My heart is trashed
My mind has turned completely savage on itself
Everyday the voices in my head
Are screaming at me

About how stupid I am
How I’m worthless
How deserve all this pain I’m in
And I’m starting to believe it

I fall asleep crying my eyes out
Begging for it to stop
My night terrors don’t help either
I rarely sleep so sometimes I just cry all night

Waking up with tear stains on my cheeks
As I grasp for my inhaler
I don’t know how much more of this I can take
I’m trying to be happy for him

To show that I’m glad he’s happy
And don’t get me wrong because I am
But at the same time
I’m slowly killing myself

I don’t think I will ever
Be able to get out of this
The pain is getting too real
My only wish is that he remains happy

That he enjoys his life to the fullest
I will watch over him
Make sure nothing bad comes his way
He was given my soul years ago

And I refuse to take it back
I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough
I’m sorry I might end up looking selfish
I’m sorry I will put so much suffering

Onto others for my choice
But I can’t do this any longer
Not by myself
Not without him

These last few days
Have been filled with loneliness
Feeling the solitude
Of numb emotions

My heart stops feeling
My soul has gone cold
My body numb
My mind blank

I lost myself
Losing all reflection
And yet
My dreams turn dark

Night terrors attack
Spreading fear and sorrow
I cry in my sleep
And wake in a sweat

I'm terrified to sleep
I lie in bed
Staring at the ceiling
While my cats sleep by my side

I take my meds
That are suppose to stop
The night terrors from coming
But they don't work correctly

They still come
I just don't remember
I feel the fear
But I don't know why

The loneliness is killing me
The fear of sleeping alone
In this big bed
With nothing but my cats

I hold my pillows tightly to my chest
In hopes that it will shield me
From the evil that lurks
Inside my mind

But alas the only thing
That sets my mind at peace
Is the feeling I get
When I sleep next to someone I trust

You say you love me
Yet you want another
You tell me there's a chance
Yet you want to be with her

You tell me it's going to be okay
Yet all I can see is you next to her
You say you haven't done anything
Yet I feel that's a lie

You tell me she tried
And that you pushed her aside
But is that really true
When you refuse to tell me whats true

I go on a suicidal rampage
Trying to end the pain
But everytime you stop me
I die a little more inside

I want to be with you
But how can that happen
How can we be together
When you want to be with her

You say you love me
But is that really true
Cause when I look in your eyes
All I see is your love for her

You sit there
With your crocodile tears
Hoping to get
A response from me

I sit here emotionless
As you look at me
I see no pain
I see no sorrow

I see no hurt
No love lost
You look normal
With no care for us

I get tired of
Seeing those fake tears
I walk away
And you follow

I turn back
Wondering why
But before you answer
I storm off in a rush

I toil with the idea
That maybe you actually care
But these past few months
You have shown the opposite

I sit and ponder
That maybe I'm just paranoid
But then I remember
Back to the stuff that happened

Stuff that you keep saying is nothing
Stuff that actually does matter
Yet you refuse to see
That it eats at me from the inside

Stuff that caused me
To melt down and collapse
My emotions couldn't handle
The crushing sorrow

So I stopped
I have set boundaries
Some that you might not like
But here's the thing

I'm tired of being toyed with
I'm tired of the heartache
I'm tired of being lied to
And I'm tired of being a Marionette

I'm tired of it all
And the worst part
Is that I allowed it
For far too long

So I made up my mind
I will be free
I will live my way
No matter how much you beg

Because I have always known
It was always a choice
That wouldn't end up
With me being first.

My mask is completely shattered now
I can no longer hide my emotions
I can no longer hide my true feelings
My life has turned upside down

There is no one who can help anymore
I’ve become so broken
That I am now beyond repair
Though I won’t stop you from trying

The mask I use to hide behind
Was cracked and splintered
But I could still hide behind it
But these past few months have shattered it

My life turned into turmoil
Causing misery so great
My soul is beginning to rot
My mind ground into fine dust

My heart aches with every beat
My nights filled with terror and tears
My days filled with loneliness and despair
My dreams turn to vile memories of the past

I lay curled up in a ball
Upon my bed
With my cat trying to comfort
This poor destroyed soul

I question my existence
Asking why I am even alive
When all I attract
Is pain unto myself

This is no way to live
But I no longer have the strength
To mask my true self
Or climb out of this hell by myself

And the one who held my hand
The one who kept me from falling
The one who was able to shine
A light in this eternal darkness

The one who could pull me out
And free me from this misery
Has abandoned me
Or so it feels like it

The darkness turns violent
And I turn down a self destructive path
I continuously ask myself
Why must I be alone

Why must I lose
Everything I hold dear
Why must I be left
To fend for myself

To be without
A shining light
To help me find my way out
Of the ever growing darkness

Maybe I have cursed myself
To never be happy
To only know despair
And lose everything that I love

So I cry myself to sleep
Wishing things would change
Wishing that my light had stayed
So I wouldn’t be so alone

Begging the Gods
To bring my light back
So that I may be able
To survive just one more day

I feel like I’m going crazy
My head is spiraling out of control
These thoughts that come flooding
Making me go insane

Pushing me to my limits
Causing me great pain
Pushing me so far
That I am unable to breath

Thoughts that push me so far
That my mind slowly cracks
And my demons threaten to escape
I’m so scared now

I feel like these thoughts
Are running out of control
Pushing me away from sanity
And closer to my doom

I’m so lost now
I wish things could get better
But I’m not sure if that’s possible
My heart and mind are no longer in sync

I just want this pain to end
I want to find the one I’m to be with
I want to stop the screaming voices
I need my life to turn around

I want to be free of the anguish
Free of this never ending battle
Between these vicious voices
And my ever breaking heart

So many issues
So little time
So much I need to get done
Yet there might not be any way to do it

So instead of doing the things I need to do
I’ve been battling with my thoughts
Pushing them away one by one
Until I am even able to move

Fractured vision
Tear stained cheeks
Aching hearts
Shaking fists

Depression and anger
Mixed together
In a deadly fire
Waiting to ignite

Bursting at the seams
Pushing through the pain
Of a misery
That’s threatening to ****

Crashing and thrashing
Punching and flailing
Wishing things would change
That things would be better

Pushing down emotions
Being replaced by burning
Most agonizing feeling
Of being lost in the moment

Losing the sight
Not seeing what the point is
Breaking down into rubble
Swaying back and forth

Tears burst the dam
Rushing down the cheeks
Salt taste upon the lips
Nails digging into shoulders

Knees clenched to the chest
Screaming out for help
Yet nothing calls out
There is no help to come

The meds that help
Have stopped working right
And now a crumbled mess
Lays upon the floor

Asthma attacks ensue
Panic and anxiety spike
Dissociation happens
All is lost

My love for you is eternal
My heart aches for you
As I stare into your eyes
I see the vacant gaze of my reflection

I hear the pain In my heart
When you say that you love me
But do you really care
Or are you just faking

Is your love really true
Or are you just pulling
Pulling on my fragile
Tender heart strings

Can you sync
Can you feel the beat Can you hear my song
My hear string song

Just open your heart
Let the rhythm flow
Feel it in your soul
And watch glow

Rise up, Rise up
Hear the voices
Of our hearts
As they sing in harmony

Feel the passion in your chest
Let the love flow free
Take my hand
Let me guide you

To the hallowed Grounds
Where our souls reside
Feel the warmth
And let the love fly

Feel it in your soul
We are finally home
Our songs harmonizing
In eternal peace

Some people view internal pain as a joke
But what they don't realize is if left unchecked
That pain can become external and hurt even worse
Like right now I feel like I'm having a stroke

Though I know it's nothing that serious
It hurts just the same
Feeling the numbness and burning
All around my heart

Gripping it so tightly
That my lungs start to collapse
My breathing begins to hasten
As my chest compacts within

Clawing at my chest
I begin to rip skin
Hoping that the pain
Will soon end

But sadly it doesn't
And I start to panic
Grabbing the closest sharp object
And slicing across my wrists

The pain subsides for a time
As the blood trickles down my arms
Feeling the sting as the air brushes the wounds
Causes a temporary fix to the sorrow I feel

Though I know it's not a good thing to do
I can't do anything else
Cause I made a promise to him
That he would never come home to a dead body

So I sit here staring at the crimson lines
Tears filling up my eyes
As the fog over
Hoping for time to rewind

With each passing day
The light inside me dies
Surrounding me in eternal darkness
And snuffing out any form of happiness

I beg and I plead for relief
But it never comes
It only gets worse
And I can’t take it anymore

I love him with every fiber of my being
Yet nothing I say or do matters
It’s like he doesn’t care anymore
And I’m tired of this pain

I try and I try
To hide all of it
From his gaze
But I can’t hide forever

He says he still cares for me a lot
But honestly with his actions
It speaks the opposite
I just wish he would speak the truth

Speak from your heart
Don’t hide anything
Let it all out
Just like I have done

Lay your very soul
Upon the table bare
So we can finally understand
One another’s feelings

I fear that I don’t have much left
My will is slowly fading
I’ve already reverted back to self harm
Soon it will start to get worse

My heart will start to decay
Turning off all care for life
I will constantly be fighting
My darkest of thoughts

Thoughts that I haven’t had
Since I was a teenager
Thoughts that I could suppress
Just by looking at him

Seeing his dorky grin
The smell of his skin
The gentleness of his touch
The love in his eyes

These things made me so happy
That I couldn’t think like that
I didn’t want to think like that
All I cared about was being with him

Now I have mixed feelings
Feelings of betrayal and fear
Of longing and anger
Of love and regret

I know he won’t talk
Cause every time we try
It just makes it works
Cause he won’t say anything

I ask if things will be okay
I ask if I will ever be with him again
But all he says is give it time
And I see no love in his eyes

I see no more longing
No more want
No more pleading
Just vacant eyes staring back

I start to ponder
If I was ever good enough
If I will ever make it through this
Will I ever be happy again

But with how things are going
I doubt I will ever be happy
My heart is in so much pain
I feel like I’m dying

And it’s only getting worse
With each passing day
So I beg of you
Just talk to me one last time

Let everything out
Don’t hold back
There is so much to say
That you try and hide

Everything I wanted
Everything I required
Everything I craved
I now know I will never receive

No matter how much I beg
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
My wishes will never come true

My hope has died
I no longer feel the warmth of life
I only feel the cold embrace
Of death

My heart is going numb
My soul feels dead
My mind is on a path
Of complete self destruction

I call out for help
But to no avail
My calls are not heard
By the one who can fix me

My heart rate descends
My fear becoming reality
I’m all alone
With no one to help

I’m alone in these walls
Built for protection
But now all they provide
Is bitter solitude

My mind is caving inward
Threatening to implode
And all I can do
Is sit in my corner and cry

Huddled up tightly
With knees indenting my chest
Tears run down
Staining my skin

Makeup is a mess
I look upward in hopes
Of seeing you care
But alas I’m in solitude

You are no where to be found
And all I can do
Is fight my own mind
To not relapse again

For if I relapse
It will be the final time
No more across the bridge
No more shallow cuts

My life will be forfeit
Just like my heart
Which now rots
Deep inside my chest

Although it still beats
All it feels is pain
So intense it is breaking
Over and over again

Not a day goes by
Where it stops
My heart beats loudly
Hoping for you to come back

But you aren’t coming back
My heart is calling
For something that’s no longer there
And that hurts a hundred times worse

No longer can I keep bearing this pain
No longer can I keep waiting for the impossible
No longer can I destroy myself
So instead I will sacrifice this love

I will use it as an eternal source
For your eternal happiness
I don’t need the ability
To love anymore

Because the only one
I will ever love
Is you
And only you

The sorrow
The tears
The constant cries for help
All ignored and brushed away

I’m broken
Beat down by my own mind
Been that way for years
And yet my cries are never heard

I’m pushed away
Tossed around like garbage
No one really wants me around
And who can blame them anyway

My heart aches badly
But I know I can’t fix it
My mind screams loudly
Though I can’t silence it

The end of days is soon upon me
With no help how can one be expected
To continue this miserable existence
When all they get is ignored

I’m a burden on everyone I meet
I don’t deserve to live
Though I try so hard to voice my needs
It always ends in a fight

I no longer have a reason
A reason to exist
My heart is failing fast
I don’t know how much longer I have left

The one person I wanted to help me
The one person I cared about the most
The one person in which I love
Shoved me away to die

With heart shattered
And mind destroyed
I no longer have a reason
To continue this fight

No matter how hard I beg
No matter how hard I try
I can never fix this
Heaven knows I want too

My love runs so deep
That it hurts inside
My heart starts to burn
As pain runs through my chest

I have lost everything
There is nothing left for me here
No joy, happiness or love
Only sorrow and pain

So I wish you the best
Though I always have
For you to live
For the both of us

Cause even though
You ripped out my heart
And stomped it into the ground
I still love you to death

My soul shall remain by your side
For all eternity my love
For you were the only happiness
That I ever had

Death be swift in consuming this angel
For the pain is too great for it to bear
The pure being of love and joy
Now rotting with sorrow and misery

Fear taking hold of the angels mind
Causing delusions of demons’ cry
Running around in a circle
Trying to hide from the pain

Anguish takes hold in the angels heart
Causing burning and stabbing within the chest
He clenches tightly to hold it back
Till finally it bursts with full impact

Tears run down this once perfect face
Tears like acid burning the flesh
Looking up at the one who caused it
The angel whispers I love you still

Though the angel is in great pain
All the angel knows is how to love
He was not taught how to hate
But to love with his whole being

With each passing day
This heart grows weaker
Burning itself up
In the flames of despair

Longing for something
That will never be
It rips and tears
Bleeding out it’s cries

As the heart inflates
The burning intensifies
Threatening to stop the heart
And end the life of the one who hold it

Buckling over in agony
From the pain deep within their chest
Crying out for some kind of relief
As tears run down their face

The pain intensifies so greatly
That the heart starts to falter
Missing beats and becoming unbalanced
As the blood builds up inside

Steadily with each day that passes
The body gets colder
Fearing that it’s coming to an end
They clench their chest tightly

Heavy breaths escape their lips
As it gets harder and harder to breathe
The heart is failing
And only one thing can set it free

But alas this thing
In which can set the heart free
May never happen
And if it might the chances are slim at best

Collapsing onto the floor
The body crumbles into a heap
The heart pulsing loudly
As it sounds it’s last beats

Tears run dry
As the body turns stiff
The heart stops pumping
As the eyes turn cloudy

Far from which this has occurred
The one who can stop it is unaware
Whether they are ignorant to the fact
Or simply wishes to ignore

This love that’s inside
This failed heart was real
As well as the pain
That it had endured

So weep if you care
For it is now too late
You have missed your chance
To save the one you need

How are you suppose to make it
When life keeps pushing you down
Your head starts spinning
Sending thoughts of dread

You start to fear
The tears form in your eyes
You can’t control it anymore
And they explode from your face

Face down in a pillow
You weep so suddenly
Feeling like a weight
Is pushing you under the sea

You start to wonder
If you ever belonged
And doubt the reasons
To stay alive anymore

You wish for something
To pull you out of it
To bring you back to the surface
But nothing comes to your aid

Feeling lost and abandoned
You feel alone
Grabbing at anything
That gives you the slightest hope

But nothing helps
You stop taking your meds
You don’t see the point
When they are just making it worse

You lost your boat
In the sea of torment
The demons grab
And pull you down further

You try to scream
To call out for help
But they have you by the throat
So no sound escapes

You think to yourself
When will this end
But there in lies the issue
There is no rescue

There is no way back
No arms will reach
No one to bring you back
To the surface to breath

So you drown in your own misery
Brought into you by years of torment
You curse yourself
Wishing you were dead

I’m breaking down
My heart beats hurt
I can’t contain it for much longer
It just keeps building and building

The harder I push it down
The harder it pushes back
And I break down in tears
Bawling my eyes out

All I do is think about him
Even with music blasting in my ears
The thoughts race by without stop
He’s all that’s on my mind

I miss him so much
I don’t know what to do
I shove my head into music and games
Yet it doesn’t work

I’m up late into the night
Constantly thinking what will happen
What if things were different
If the situation was different

Would we have actually became a couple
Or would this have still happened
I’m trying so hard for him
To just be his friend through this time

But the more time that passes
The greater the pain becomes
And I wonder to myself
Did I fall in love?

Is that why this hurts so much
Is that why I can’t help but miss him
Why he is constantly on my mind
Running circles around my distractions

I’m honestly afraid of the next time I see him
What if I run inwards and cause the body to faint
What if I run to him and kiss him?
What about a deeply felt bear hug?

Would he hate me?
It’s petrifying to think about
And each outcome is just painful
I’m so afraid to tell him

Afraid to say what’s on my mind
About how much this hurts
About my feelings for him
About how much I miss him

Should I cave and tell him?
Or should I bare the pain a bit longer
Letting the fates dictate
What is to come

I need answers
But I know that no one can give them
It has to come from me
Whatever my mind and heart decide

There's a darkness in my heart
And it's starting to break out
The sky starts burning up
Flames of old and flames of new
Burning everything in its path

I can't let go of all the pain
That comes with the world
Maybe it's better to just
End it all right now
I know that you feel the same way too
But that's not how the cards fall down
Push through it all and it will turn around

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

Where do we go from here
Why do we even care
Where is my love at now
Where have they gone

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

I'm begging you please don't go
Our story's not over yet
But you don't care

Do you
Do you
Do you

Scream and shout
Hear my voice across the sky
Beg and plead
Hear the sound of my voice
As it soars across the sky

I'm falling on my knees
Begging you please
Won't you stay with me
But off you go
Right out that door

The darkness in my heart
Growing stronger evermore
And as I call out your name
With the last bit of my strength
I call out in love

I'll miss you
I'll miss you
I'll miss you

Tell me why
Why must I be the one that’s hurting
Why must I be the one in constant pain
Why must I never have happiness

Tell me why
Why must I always end up alone
Why must I always have my heart ripped out
Why must I always be broken

Tell me why
Why must I always be a burden
Why must I always be shoved aside
Why must I always be second and never first

Tell me why
I don’t understand at all
I do everything I can
To be the person you want me to be

Tell me why
Am I never going to be good enough
Will I ever get my chance
At a happily ever after

Tell me why
Why must I always endure
Why must I always shoulder this pain alone
Why must I be pushed down and stomped on

Tell me why
Why must everything be taken away
Why does it always have to be this way
Why can’t I be happy for once in my life

Tell me why
Why must I constantly live in fear
Why must I always cower and hide
I just want to know why me

Seal thy heart
Let it rot
Bleed it dry
Watch it wither

Feel the thorns
Entwine thy corpse
Sprinkle the salt
Feel the sting

Shrivel up tight
Feel the contractions
As thy eyes
Dry up inside

Love is gone
Wilted away forever
The pain gone
Lost forever more

You ask beggingly
For utter forgiveness
Only silence comes
To thy ears

Blood turned ash
The love dies
Scream and shout
To no avail

I am gone
You lost me
Never to regain
Forever

To be inspired
It can come in many forms
It can come from a friend
It can come from an event

Be it little
Or be it big
It matters not
For all can be magnificent

To be inspired
Creates the most beautiful
Works of art
Or even a better solution

Inspiration can come from anything
It's all about how you look at it
For to be inspired
Is but thinking outside the box

It drives us to create
It drives us to destroy
It can be beautiful or deadly
Yet no matter what it fills you with emotion

I have died
Body with no soul
The last melting ember
Of my once beautiful soul

Is now losing it's glow
The moments that pass
Slowly slow us down
We lose the happiness

We beg for it back
Yet there are those
That won't return
No matter what

My heart gone
Soul is dying
I leave this world
To find a new

People keep saying
That things will get better
But with each passing day
Things just keep getting worse

The darkness grows more black
Swallowing up all the light
Pushing me ever deeper
Down this pit of despair

Try as I might
I can’t seem to fight back
I keep losing the battle
Falling deeper and deeper

I keep getting told
That I shouldn’t be with him
That it’s best that he left me
That I’m better without him

But the longer this goes on
The harder it is for me to see
The light that will come out of this
And it’s slowly killing me

My chest won’t stop aching
Yet it’s been months
I feel like I’m dying
Over and over

I don’t know what to do
Every time I try to move forward
I’m pushed backwards
To thoughts of us

It feels like my heart will fail
From this ever growing pain
That’s deep in my soul
Begging for him to return

If only my mind wasn’t shattered
If only I did things differently
If only she didn’t come into his life
Them maybe things would be different

Maybe I would still be with him
Maybe I wouldn’t be in so much pain
From losing the one I love the most
But I fear my time is almost up

I grow weaker with each passing day
My migraines are getting worse
And the pain in my chest grows rapid
I fear I will never get him back

I fear that I will die before that can happen
That my life will end very soon
Because what most people don’t know
Is that a broken heart can be fatal

I got a million voices inside my mind
Voices that scream and shout
That everything is turning to ****
And I don’t know why

Momma said everything will be alright
Daddy said I have to fight
But they don't understand what it’s like
To be the outcast of a family like mine

I scream and shout
But no sound comes out
Voices echoing all the time
They’re getting so loud

They say take a pill
Everything will be alright
But they don’t hear the voices
They don’t know what’s inside my mind

The torment
The anguish
The paranoia
The questioning

Stuck on a loop
I can’t get out
Turn around
And I get spun round

Take this pill they say
It will make you better
But they don’t understand
That pills just a bandaid

You want me to **** the child inside
Well guess what that child is gonna fight
Battling the demons inside
It’s getting stronger and stronger

The torment
The anguish
The paranoia
The reckoning

The child’s found it’s purpose
The child understands
Connecting all the pieces
Of this shattered mind

There’s a war inside our minds
In our body and our souls
Making the angels weep
As we dance a ballad gold

Removing all the torment
Those pills are just a lie
They cover up the wounds
But never heal the pain

You think that I am crazy
You think that I’m insane
Well maybe I just have pieces
That you can’t understand

Those pills are a lie
They cover up the wounds
But they can never heal the pain
That’s buried within my mind

The longing for peace
The want of serenity
The love undying
The beauty within

These things create life
They blossom at the child's feet
Removing the darkness
That once sought to reap

The child sings a ballad gold
As they dance with beauty divine
Dancing for the lord on high
Eternal and undying in the grace of light

Though darkness tempts at my door
I dare not open
I dare not breath
I dare not give up the love I have

My heart may ache
My chest may burn
But what keeps me going
Is the love I have for you

You may not have the same for me
But I can’t stop loving you
The way that I do
I love you so

So deeply my mind is destroying itself
So deeply is my depression
That I can’t even eat without feeling sick
So deeply that I can barely breath

So deeply that just being alone
Has caused me to have night terrors again
The PTSD I have has gotten worse
My anxiety spiraling out of control

I’m paranoid of everything
If only you could see
How much my love for you
Is slowly killing me inside and out

My body goes numb
My mind races wild
My heart feels like it’s dying
Maybe it is my time

Maybe it’s time for me to pass
Give in to the pain that I feel
Feel that burning around my heart
As I curl up in agony

Maybe it’s a stroke
Maybe my heart is dying
I mean you can actually die
From a broken heart

Slowly I am starting to get weaker
I can feel my soul slipping over
I feel the cold embrace creeping towards me
As I sit here hiding it all from you

I don’t wish for you to see
How much pain this is for me
I don’t want you to hate yourself
I just want you to love me again

So I beg you
Look into your heart
Listen to what it cries out
And mend my dying heart

All you say is I love you
And that you want to be with me
But all I see is
You eyeing all these girls

I'm sorry I'm not a big chested girls
I'm sorry I was born the wrong gender
I'm sorry I'm not what you want

But I can't change that
Without changing who I am
And honestly
I can't even remember who I am

I feel like both
But that might just be my head
Playing tricks on me
While I fight these illnesses

The Depression and Borderline
Are getting worse and worse
But do you even care about that
I highly doubt that

I silently cry to sleep
Wondering if I am the one
To make you smile or laugh
But then I realize
I'm neither

I pushed away
The one person you wanted
Just because you cheated
And refuse to admit it

I know more than you think
I know all of what you do
And I don't have to read messages
Or hear gossip to see it

It's written all over you
The guilt is eating you alive
The guilt that you aren't with her
And are stuck with me

You go around trying to find bed buddies
While I'm locked up in a mental ward
Saying that I'm psychotic
When anyone would be

After what I went through
After our multiple breakups
After pleading with you multiple times
And the final straw was the anniversary

I don't know how much more I can bend
How much more I can break
How much more heartache I can go through
Before you see that all I love is you

I have stopped eating
And I keep losing weight
I try to be perfect
But I'm never enough

You say I don't need to cross dress
You say that my gender isn't why
But all I can see
is your lust for girls

You aren't Pan
You aren't even Bi
You aren't Demi
You are Straight and in denial

Maybe the only way
For you to truly love me
Is for me to just go with what I thought
And get that surgery

I've thought about it for a while
And I know you say I don't have to change
But I feel I must
In order to stay by our side

In other words
I love you
With all my heart
And I'm willing to die for it

Thou pain is thine to burden
Thou love is thine to shelter
Be it not of obligation
But out of respect for another

Thy heart and soul
Intertwined with thou
Thy hope is nigh
For thy field is barren

Be that as it may
Thy soul still urns
For thou soft whisper
In thine ear

Be swift yet brutal
With thy piercing words
For thou hast lost
All of thy fear

List not my transgressions
But announce thine triumph
For if thou walketh the dark path
Thou will only hurt thineself

There's this feeling inside my heart
And it's telling me that you love me
But sometimes you seem so cruel
I look in your eyes
And wish you didn't have to go

Then it all came to an end
But it's not a matter of what you do
My heart will always be with you
And I'll remember the times we had

And when I call out your name
It brings me to tears
I want to know how I can stay with you
I want to know how I can stay with you
I'm begging you with all my soul
You already have my heart
So take me with you


I just wish you could feel this pain
Deep inside my chest
Oh how I want to stay with you
Yet you walk away
Leaving me this way
All broken inside

And when I call out your name
It brings me to tears
I want to know how I can stay with you
I want to know how I can stay with you
I'm begging you with all my soul
You already have my heart
So take me with you

I'm all alone
I need you to know I love you
Oh god take me with you
Don't leave me here like this
How am I to survive like this
Without you
Without you

I’ve been thinking about it
And I’m starting to question
Am I only worthy of a ****
Am I unworthy of love

These past few months
I’ve tried putting my heart out
Only for it to be returned to me
With more dents and scratches

My heart burns hot
Fast and strong
Yet with every return
It gets doused with rejection

I am truly unworthy
I don’t deserve love
I don’t deserve compassion
I don’t deserve partnership

I will be alone forever
Destined to walk life’s narrow path
With no one by my side
And I’m starting to accept this

Time and time again
I try so hard to care for others
But lately the feelings
Are starting to disappear

Crying into my pillow
I beg the gods for an answer
Why must I be good at so many things
But when it comes to companionship I fail

Although I won’t get an answer
I continue to do this every night
Wondering what is wrong with me
Why am I so broken

After all that I have done
After all that I have wished
It will never happen
So I’ll just let it be

I can no longer feel emotion
No more pain
No more sorrow
No happiness or love

My heart has gone cold
I no longer feel anything
Though I wish I did
It’s barren in my heart

For how long this time
I have no clue
But at this present moment
It might be for the best

Cold as stone
Free from anguish
From temptation and sorrow
Life is funny this way

I still have my caring nature
But no one new will get my love
My happiness is completely gone
So I’m now a shell

A shell with nothing inside
Death no longer concerns me
Heartache and misery have no hold
For this stone cold heart