A mystery
They called me
Wearing a million different faces
Wearing a million different smiles

A lost soul
They didn't see
3561 miles away from the one place I was half-real
3561 miles away from the one place I half-smiled

Mile 1
I'm drowning within myself
Slowly, silently, secretly
Constantly wandering
Trying to find that broken girl
Who never had a childhood
Trying to escape from the skeltons
Thrown in the depths of the closet
Long before I could even spell my name
Now 3561 miles away just to make sure they don't rise up again

Mile 147
I'm suffering in the hospital
There was always something wrong with me
I always deserved this pain
If only I could get rid of it myself
If only... If only...
If only
And so I tried.
Every time the darkness swelled up
And gripped my throat, i tried..
But they called me crazy
Not broken
Not hurt
Not upset
But crazy...
Crazy because i tried
Now 3561 miles from all those who labeled me insane

Mile 836
My fight with life and death
Because I forgot what living was
Long before I blew out 4 candles on a tiny cake...
Because death wouldn't embrace me
Death would torment me instead,
Cursing me to forever stay stuck living
Somewhere between the brink
Of life and death..
And so I finally took matters into my own hands...
Not sinfully but sensibly, the odds forever against my favor
But health is just relative and my body already a mess,
The brain I counted on slowly dying out
My future that once smiled upon me
Now nothing but a faded curse
Now 3561 miles away because I somehow survived
3561 miles away because I kept surviving

Mile 2451
Everyone was fed up with me
I was a burden living or dead
No place for me in either realm.
I breathed through the cracks of reality
And packed my bags to live in an illusion
So that life wouldn't catch up to me ever again
Now 3561 miles away and I can finally breathe again
3561 miles away yet no closer to living nor death

Mile 2915
I'm overthinking things through
Like all these loose ends, broken hearts, and you
Because nobody cares unless you're rich or dead
And I was both of those yet neither
And those who saw through that were but a few..
A living paradox was my life
Almost an adult, give it 6 more days
I'll never tell you but I'll be gone before that fated day
Your memory of me gone quicker than that
Because I left once before and I should've never come back
But I'm glad I did
Now 3561 miles away and I know you'll do better without me
3561 miles away you would've been better if I never came back

Mile 3428
I'd forget everything about my life
The demons I kept pushing down would resurface now and again
But only as whispers of ghosts still haunting bits of the past
There's so much I still don't remember and yet,
I'd never forget you and everyone else I left behind..
I'd always wonder what'd happen to you
I'd always wonder how fine is fine..
You say I should be tired of running away
Don't worry, this time I'll be gone for good
The name I wanted everyone to remember
Will disappear under the tides on the sand
Never to be brought up again but by ghosts
And when you're old and grey
And happy and free
Don't cry remembering me as someone who died too young
Because I was old, grey, and torn at the edges
Far before I became a ghost myself
Now 3561 miles away from anyone I ever was
3561 miles away from anyone I could ever be

Mile 3557
I realized you knew me too well
I'm regretting everything before it happens
Because there was never enough..
Never enough words to tell you everything I could
Never enough time to tell you everything to tell
The letters slip and get lost on the tip of my tongue
Because you thought I was stronger than this
But I've been falling apart since the beginning
Crumbling slowly under the pressure of it all
Crumbling under things I never told you
And things I couldn't burden you with
Now 3561 miles away with things that I'll bury with me
3561 miles away because forever is a fantasy

Mile 3561
This is it...
Or so you think
Where my old life and new life collide and blend
Where I can forget everything and move on...
Though we both know that's not true
Because these masks melt under the moonlight
And these smiles stay forgotten under the glimmering stars..
As strong as I want to be,
As many times I change my name,
I'll never be able to cover up these scars within..
I'll never be able to forget the few who’ve cared
(I can count them all on one hand)..
And I'll let you in on a little secret-
The countless nights that threatened me with my own life,
I'd breathe in the universe before it swallowed me whole
And breathe out as I count those names on my one hand
Over and over
And over again
Over and again till my mind found sanity
Over and again till the sun found a grip on the sky
Over and again till the darkness inside me crept back
Into the broken cracks in the edges of my mind..
So go ahead and tell me,
Tell me how I'll forget the memories we've made
I've lost a lot of them but not the important ones
Tell me how I'll find someone new
Nobody could ever replace you
Tell me how much you miss me
Along with everyone who seems to care
Because time will change and people come and go
We're merely shadows floating around with no purpose
We come into people's lives only to fade out to some other
But despite all that and everything else,
How could you ever think you didn't mean anything to me?..
Because now I'm 3561 miles away,
Tired, broken, fed up
I'm 3561 miles away
Shattered, crying, torn apart
I'm 3561 miles away
Stuck writing something
That'll never reach you-
At least until
I'm 25,300,000,000,000 miles away for good

I wish for you
Perfect sunsets
And early morning day dreams
I wish for you
Perfect smiles
And living life to the extremes
...
I wish for you all that
And so much more
But most of all
I wish-
I wish I could be
The one you spend
All those memories with
And I wish that
More than you could ever know
...

And yet,
When you looked at me
With tears in your eyes
And asked why
I couldn't stay
...
Well behind my broken smile
Was the truths that stung to say
...
Because-
I'm not the kind of girl you fall in love with.

There's something about
Being Alone
That leaves me
A peace of mind

Yet

There's something about
Being Lonely
That leaves
My mind in *pieces

She was shattered
Beyond repair

Nothing but a used
Porcelain doll
Tossed into the flame
Cursed
To never be loved

Never again
...
A miracle it was
When he finally came
Who'd seen her beauty

He'd seen the light in her dark
The smile beyond the pain
He'd seen her soul beyond her eyes
The strength beyond the tears

"You're one of a kind"
"There's none other like you"

So He picked her
And he loved her
Truely
Wonderfully
With all the love he could give
...
But then came the truth,
The whole truth
Not the half
That he'd been telling
"I can help you"
"I can change you"
"Let me fix you"

And her happiness came to a crashing end...
...

Because even though
She was nothing more
Than a broken toy
Fragile to the touch,
Every shattered piece
Of her soul
And her heart
Was full of overwhelming
Beauty and Love
To which the world
Was blind to

They couldn't see
She was a miracle
Within herself

And neither could *he

I don't remember
Your voice
As it mixed together with mine
Singing our favorite bands
Dancing on tables in time

I don't remember
The crazy times we had
Like jumping off cliffs
Then ending the day
At 2 in the morning
Driving with the windows down
Like the music video of
An old country love song

I don't remember
The feeling of
My head resting on your chest
When you pulled me so close
That we shared the same breath

I don't remember
Your scent
When we tangled ourselves
Between the sheets
Creating our own
Music to match
The bass of our heartbeats

I don't remember
The mold of your skin
Against mine
Or the
Exact color of your eyes
The exact shape of your lips
As you finally made me yours
Mapping out my skin
With your kiss

I don't remember any of it
My darling,
I barely remember you
But if you keep loving me
I promise I'll try to

Though
I'm not the same girl
I'm warning you
The girl you once loved
The one that you knew

I don't remember much
But I remember how
I want to be
Your forever
Again
For Forever
and Always

I just want to be with you
...

It's such a shame
You had to grow up
Faster than the others
Becoming a wise old soul
When you should've been
A kid learning ABC's on the playground
Being tucked in by your parents at night

You should've been
Enjoying fairy tales
And daydreams
Not learning
How to survive
In the nightmares
That became your *reality

It was she
Who learned that beauty
Always came with a price
For every lovely heart
There hides a broken one.

It's 1 A.M.
And I just finished my midnight meal
After my thoughts almost suffocated me
And my demons almost claimed me
I think I can finally go to bed
...
It's 2 A.M.
And here I am again
Lost in the sound of your voice
And the image of your face
Floating inside my head
...
It's 3 A.M.
And I'm trying a bit too hard
to drown out your memories
with my endless tears
Creating a river my eyes bled
...
It's 4 A.M.
And I guess I was a fool to think
I'd get any sleep tonight
Maybe this is it
It's time to go
To finally shut off
All the chaos in my head
...
It's 5 A.M.
And I'm still alive
Somehow
Yet
Forever cursed
To relive the day
Over and Over
And over
Again

I just want to pack my bags
And vanish
Leave without a trace

Spend the rest of my life
In solitude
Knowing
I'm no longer
A burden to you...
...
Maybe this way I'll find me,
The real me,
The one that lives outside of
These useless broken words
The one that breathes outside of
This loop of a mess that's become
My nightmare and my life all at once
...
Maybe this way I can finally
Throw away my masks
Maybe this way I can finally
Taste freedom
Maybe this way
I might even discover
The meaning of
True happiness

*And maybe this time
I won't run away from it

Your eyes glare at me relentlessly
Why won't you look away
Burning a hole in the back of my head
Look away
But when I turn around I realize I'm frozen in place
Is there something you want to say?
Your pink lips remain sealed
What is it that you won't say?

Oh how I want to walk towards you..
But it seems you've made up your mind...

And with one last stare
No, Stay
You turn around
Please stay
And disappear
Stay
Forever
*Or not...

I am fragile.
So fragile
More fragile than already shattered glass
Held together by mere Elmer's glue.
Yet I'll keep pretending I'm okay
Like I never once had a scratch
When really I'm crumbling
Under the pressures of the universe
That my heart's not a part of.

Hair of deep obsidian
Eyes of crystal ice
Heart a ****** river
A beauty with a price

For her mind was a chaotic jungle
A stony ruthlessness replaced her nice
Albeit only to protect the shards left
When a swamp replaced her paradise

Your mother always love you
So you've heard everyone say.
But yours always lectures you
"*****," she'll spit at your face.
"Disappointment"
As she tortures you into oblivion.

Yet the nights your father
Doesn't come back home...
Or worse, comes back drunk,
You see something new
Come to the edge of her lips,
Something she'll never say
To your face.

You see it written on the edges of her face
As she makes eye contact with you,
Begging you to stay in your room.
You see it written in her screams
As she distracts him from coming for you.
You see it written in her tears
As they fall, as shattered as her soul.
...
*"I love you"