Day or night?
Video or audio?
Wake up or keep dreaming?
Move on or turn back?
Tomorrow or yesterday?
Now or never?
Too much or not enough?
Lifted up or put down?
Shut in or shut out?
Step forward or step back?
Forgive or forget?
Ahead or behind?
Real or fake?
Control or chaos?
In your head or in your heart?
Off beat or in sync?
Accept or deny?
Save or sacrifice?
Together or alone?
Yours or theirs?
Blood or water?
Everything or nothing?
Beginning or end?
Taken or given?
Live or die?
Your fault or mine?
Your choice or no choice?
Surrender or fight?
Different of the same?
Run back or run away?
Anxious days or sleepless nights?
Shining in the spotlight or hidden in the shadows?
Say something or stay silent?
Inner strength or outer strength?
Keep or abandon?
Bitter or sweet?
Cut off or connect?
Cooperate or compete?
Relief or risk?
Jump or fall?
Stay or go?
Preserve or burn?
Cold as ice or hot as flames?
Relaxed or on edge?
Listen or disregard?
Pride or concern?
Public or private?
Adventure or reward?
Save my life or leave me here?
I have never felt stronger than when I allow myself to make choices that nobody else would dare make for me. Because I am the divide between the words “yes” and “no”, I am a choice.
This choice comes to us in many forms but for those of us who wonder about how many choices we have left, we ask ourselves, “Where can we go from here?”
I have never attempted suicide, but I have thought about it many times. I have seen death in many forms. Usually, they come in the most harmless appearances.
I too, have held pills in my hand and felt the weight of death. And it didn’t weigh anything.
Death is a lightweight… and a heavy subject.
I rely on my faith to pull me together but if you turn things the opposite way they can become something terrible. My faith’s cross turned upside down is a representation of the devil and a simple necktie turned upside down is just a fancy way of hanging yourself.
Simple things can become deadly if you let them. The window you used to gaze out of, marveling the world, is now a doorway spiraling downward and few people stand up when they get to the bottom, but everyone stood tall at the top.
A plastic bag can hold your food, a necessary thing for you to live, but plastic can take you oxygen away, another thing you need to live. You need water to live, but you also need water to drown, at least in most cases.
There is a red rope hanging on a hook on my bedroom ceiling, representing a story from the bible, a woman wanted to be saved because she knew that her city was going to crumble into pieces. So she hung a red rope from her window for God’s people to find her and take her away from death.
But the red rope seems to close to a noose now…
So why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I even try to attempt a choice only I have the ability to make, why can’t I do this to myself?!
I know there are people who will actually consider a choice, and go through with it, or they will fail and suffer afterwards. But for me… I have wondered who will miss me when I go. Who will be the first to know, the first to cry, the first one to consider the same choice I made after I made that choice, this choice… Is mine to make…
But I decided to stop. This is not a choice I make for me, it is a reminder that I still have another day, that I have another chance. I am the divide between “yes” and “no”. So for the people who still care about me, I looked death in its eyes… and I said “no”.
One day I am randomly gonna walk up to you and I know you're gonna have your headphones and you’re gonna be listening to a really good song, and I mean a really good song.
But I'm not gonna care you see this is what I'm going to have to do I'm gonna have to take those headphones off your head and just put my hands around your ears and you're gonna listen for me.
You're going to listen for the calluses in my hands, for all the work I put into every song every lyric, every poem, everything I do is being heard can you hear my heartbeat from here?
I know its a little bit past my frozen lungs and my blurry vision but I know it’s there and I’m just hoping that you can hear it.
Fact: Every song I write is always too long, and that will be because I have too much to say and not enough time so sure… I could make the songs shorter, make the music video about 3 minutes and 40 seconds long. I want to do that. But I’ll keep a 10 minute song in my back pocket for later when you feel like the pain lasts forever.
I’ve suddenly made the realization that I’ve fallen in love with one of my best friends and then I realize how much of a bad idea that is. Because we’ve never really talked about this sort of thing, and this silence between friends doesn’t go away until I say it does. I’ve known you for 3 years and I have slowly become my own best kept secret.
She didn’t know
My parents don’t know
My brother does not know
Sometimes I didn’t even know.
I lied about it every time you held hands with your significant other.
And that is okay with me, I am not jealous, I’m just wallowing in my own loneliness and that is fine by you is it not?
I woke up this morning happy for some reason. Happy that I could admit that I might love you but I’m scared of saying anything less than that. Because saying that to you is like me being in the electric chair and being the person who flips the lever to the electric chair at the same time.
In short, it is terrible of me to fall for you but I do it anyway.
Maybe one day I’ll wake up and realize that I don’t love you anymore and that is terrifying but I’m okay with it. But I will never find any satisfaction seeing you not be loved to the fullest extent, I want somebody to talk about you the way I talk about you because I’m afraid of losing you but let’s face it, you are not mine to lose because you’re not mine at all.
I woke up happy today.
I couldn’t stop smiling because that’s what you do when you’re love struck right?
That is what you do when you don’t care if the world knows that you’re in love with anybody. I want to fight for you unlike anything else I’ve done in my life.
So yes, I am smiling about how much I care about you and how much I don’t care about what everybody thinks of me.
So as I’m saying this….
With my hands around your ears
I hope you can hear me
Let me say that again, I hope you can hear ME
Because sooner or later, I will take my hands away and you can go back to listening to that song of yours… Or you can listen to the dead air, and wonder why I want you to hear my heartbeat.
So I guess I’ll be going now.
I’ll see you soon.
Or at least I hope so.
Kind of a loaded question isn’t it?
Is there something you’ve lost?
Something you’ve spent?
Put yourself behind and look ahead
Don’t you gain something if you give something instead?
Do you have a family? Or friends? Who you’d do anything for?
Do you value yourself but see that they’re worth more?
I’m not a perfect person, that I can say
I’m only human but is selfish really the way?
Maybe you’d give up time for pain or for strife
But when it matters the most, do you give up your own life?
Maybe you’ve got it all, and you’ve got a life to live
But those who lose everything for others always have more to give
Maybe you don’t care, you’d give up nothing at all
You put yourself high up on that shelf, I hope you enjoy the fall
After reading some words that needlessly rhyme
I’ll ask the same question, but you answer this time
If everything matters, fate, destiny, and luck,
This question falls to you:
So what do you give up?
A quick refreshing dip
You float with utmost buoyancy
But with repeated trip
And growing sense of poignancy
Panic takes it's hold
Logic must be strewn aside
Bravely plunge the bold
To sink before they've died
So choices made light
Can end up more deep
As those figured right
Make for much peaceful sleep
Either way gives rest
But no stories are told
By those thinking best
When they have gotten old
If you don't admit your own mistakes
How can you know what choices to make?
Take a break from yourself and seek the help you need.
Be focused on what you got to do in life.
You are Manuel Hutchinson III.
Carry a book wherever you need to go.
Speak about what you believe in
Your spirit listens.
Time is ticking.
Choose your decision.