Water is my safe place. As a child my heart soared with the seagulls above my floating body as it rocked me from side to side with the laughs of the tide. I was connected to the savior that I once worshiped with trickles of moistness on my forehead. And it has pulled the pain out of my body onto my cheeks with its salty touch.
But when the storm hits it can wash all serene thoughts away. It buries deep within the surface of fear and rolls over me with laughter as I wait.
I wait for I know it will come
When it releases the grip around my throat allowing clarity to overtake my frantic mind
The calming reality reminding me it was only a flash flood
Covering my senses leaving me paralyzed int hat never ending moment
That has ended
I thank my body for riding me of this mysterious monster that comes out not of a closet, my bed or a coffin,
But from the highlighted moments of darkness, of the skeletons of my heart, the pain of my neck, the locked jewelry box of my childhood containing every beaded necklace written h. i. m.
When this wave comes out, reach your hand, so when it pulls back, opening my lungs, filling their declared “self torture”, I know that the candy necklace can be eaten by us both.
For I know nothing can be created or destroyed, forgotten or given, re-gifted, lifted out of my body away from my soul. For I don’t want to this
Take this wave
and I can grab onto you
I pull myself up into the light of the idea that I am better than this
I may not want it, but I have it
It is within to scare, stop start me from all that comes
Although this wave my push me, it is nothing without the moon. And I have not a pulling force to guide me back up eveytime but myself
And that is the one thing it can’t take
So, flood me, take me, sway as you please, but I have a will and it does not spell out the word h. I .m. so it will always come back to me. My water will settle as I say and your pushing pulling will have to seize for I, I am more than the very water that nourished me. It is only part of the equation to keep swimming.
And swim I shall.
For I love the water, even that of the dead sea.
I get that it’s becoming too hard to fight
Your family and friends would be better off, right?
You can’t hear anything else over the sound of your knife
It seems so romantic to flirt with death for a night
None of the drugs seem to work anymore
Between the uppers and downers everything starts to blur
And nobody understands what you’ve been crying for
they all say “I love you” as they walk out the door.
But I remember this man who once jumped from a bridge
The water swallowed him whole but somehow he still lived
He told the news channel he’d never do it again
Because the second he jumped he remembered how to swim.
It might not make sense right now, but you should swim too
And if you need floaties I’ll throw them out to you
The current will fight but you can fight harder
You'll start to see light where you thought it’d get darker
And if it gets darker, that’s okay too.
I’ll light up a match and I’ll give it to you
I’ll hold your hand as your demons go up in flames
I’ll cover your ears if they call for your name
I hope that you realize that there’s no one like you
But I know that realization is a hard one to come to
Just promise me this, and I won’t make another sound
Remember the guy who swam, when he wanted so badly to drown.
I dove in head first--
didn't think about it
let the huge bubble
around me burst--
ignored the warning signs
of shallow water all around
not the least fearful
of landing on the ground
instead of the murky, watery sea--
but the ground came fast
and slammed right into me--
still I got my ass right back up again
and climbed that huge ladder
all determined to be the one to win
and jumped this time feet first--
still made that bubble burst,
but this time I landed smack into the sea
and swam far, far away from here
seems it was finally my time to just be free!
I once had a home.
I once could live happily.
I was once whole.
In the blink of an eye, that was all changed.
I cry now.
I am blinded by my own thoughts now.
I am someone else now.
In the blink of an eye, I was thrust into a world where nothing matters.
I now swim through life, not caring.
It's funny how the word carefree is always used positively.
My head pounds with headaches.
I force myself to keep going, not knowing why,
wanting to give up.
People see me cry sometimes.
They try and help.
They try their hardest to be empathetic.
They are good people.
I may live a good life.
I may have it better than many people.
Forget may, I do have a great life.
But I can't seem to forget my sadness.
I came to the beach today because I've so much love to give.
I came because I've nothing else good to spend time with.
I came because it's healthier than getting drunk on booze -
Better for your health than watching movies or the news.
I came to the beach to feel the breeze brush across my face,
To watch the foam fizzle and the memories erase.
I came to the beach today to feel completely free
To escape the many wrongs of life and all the tyranny:
To see the sea, you see, is just a free therapy session.
Unfortunately salt doesn't quite cure depression,
But what the hell's a cure going to do to change,
To change a world that's doomed to always stay deranged.
The beach is ever-cloudy and is always filled with stones.
It's cold to the point you cannot even start to feel your bones.
There are too many people to put my mask on to...
Too many people with stupid questions to ask you.
Girls in bikinis , having a swim, who clearly are psychotic,
While I'm just sat here watching, writing, and being neurotic.
I came to the beach today to try to help escape my pain
It didn't work but, hey, at least I did escape the rain.
I came to the beach today to try to look at life anew,
But really, I just came to the beach today because of you.