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665 · Jul 2016
Miss(Definition)
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
To feel like something is lacking, a something
that keeps you in line, a something that helps
you to think, a blunt "no" from a blunt someone
663 · Nov 2015
Guilt
xmxrgxncy Nov 2015
It's hard rereading.

You can reread your history
or your notes on physics,
the life of Marie Antoinette
or the dead Mayan mystics,
but you can't reread
your own poetry.

Why not?

When you read anything but
the things you have scribed down,
the emotions don't fly off the page
or take your heart to town,
high on the feeling that
rereading your own poetry brings.

But how?

My poems are usually written
about loves I once had
and that meant the world
until they soured into bad.
These vent sessions don't normally rhyme,
and take lots of time to write.
But I still reread them.

Terrible as they are,
guilty as they make me feel,
I reread.
and reread.
      and reread.
             and reread.
                    and reread.

My whole being feels stuck
on the bottom of someone's shoe;
forced to go down the path I don't want,
sticking to the past,
stuck to the future,
and unable to enjoy the present
presented by the present present.

*rereads
658 · Apr 2016
Cotton
xmxrgxncy Apr 2016
If your heart
Was as soft as your hair
We would still be
On the same
Stem
657 · Feb 2017
Fix Yourself? Yeah. Mhm.
xmxrgxncy Feb 2017
i love that it took 30 slits for you to realize I needed help. Thanks for leaving me at the emergency room by myself. Don't you ever ******* dare touch me again. I just want to die.
651 · Feb 2016
Warm
xmxrgxncy Feb 2016
Vents of pleasure choke my lips
From that awakening hour
Dewdrops alight on my lone hips
In a gentle, warm rainshower.
651 · Jan 2016
Playing Royalty
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
The reign of the monarch Queen Amber
Was not in the least case mature.
When she needed a nap,
She’d rule with a slap,
So her mother up and overthrew her.
651 · Jul 2016
Filmographer(Biography)
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
I want to manipulate feelings, he says

I want to make them feel things, to make them cry, to make them die*, he says

He wants to make scenes in front of fire hydrants and dance to the sound of wild hoofbeats

He wants to make them cry, in awe of the beauty screened before them, the sunset awash in an inhuman glow

He wants to make them die inside as the heroine is killed, but dramatically makes her comeback all through the means of a tilted lens

He wants to make them feel things

And he, of all people, alone, has the power.
Wady:)
650 · Nov 2016
ish
xmxrgxncy Nov 2016
ish
i'll find myself
in a shattered drumbeat
on the waves of a newfound cry

when the sobbing hits
one ladder rung lower than before
and i decide that my feelings must live or must fly.
just need more to write about lately. you out there....are you reading this?
650 · Oct 2016
puppeteer
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
you may be used to holding the strings
but my mouth moves on it's own
645 · Feb 2016
Sleep Well
xmxrgxncy Feb 2016
You have me pacified

For now
645 · Jan 2016
Decadent
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
Being smothered
in a thick layer of flattery....

...that's all I want, honestly.

I want you to lay it on me thicker than the chocolate frosting on my fingertips, to choke me with sprinkles of compliments until I get dizzy from the sugar rush and collapse in your arms.

I want cavities. Lots of them.

But only you can give them to me.

So get cracking those eggs, babe. You have a lot of baking to do.
All I want is flattery every once in a while.....
644 · May 2016
Too Much
xmxrgxncy May 2016
A pure brick of gold
The head of a dragon
The tooth of a basilisk
The horn of a unicorn
A thousand dowries
A kingdom of glass
A golden paved highway
Some Picasso art
Is it simply ludacris
That all I want is your heart?
I want to be loved unconditionally. It doesn't have to last but I need that attention.
641 · Aug 2016
Aliases
xmxrgxncy Aug 2016
He changes his name
again and again

to love the rain and the life
he left behind

He changes his name
over and over

to stop the hurt and the feeling
he feels every day

But most importantly, he changes his name
constantly

to block the love and hide from the glare
the world gives off
bio piece
639 · Jan 2017
opting
xmxrgxncy Jan 2017
"she needs something stronger than that..."
from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.

"it's from your side of the family..."
from parent to parent.

"Remember me?"*
from my mind.
633 · Feb 2016
Unworthy
xmxrgxncy Feb 2016
That moment when his speech lilts to a stop
and his irises darken
-just slightly-

and we stare...
breaking that sacred silence
is so hard....

But he can't stare at me like I want to stare at him.
I'm not worthy of that lavish attention.

"You have the most beautiful hazel eyes!"

My eyes are dark brown.
Sometimes we'll be talking and just lull into a silence where we just stare into each other's eyes. I could look at him all day but I don't feel pretty enough for him to reciprocate that. So I break the stare.
629 · Jul 2016
Hello?(#1)
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
Left under a ***** in the fence at the south end of the camp, half covered in dust*

Hello, hello?

Mama always said not to talk to strangers.

Is anyone there?

Mama says that it's not safe to be this close to the big fence.

I'm a friend.

Mama always tells me I'm too flighty.

I care.

Mama never said I couldn't make friends.

So here I am.

Hello, hello? Is anyone there?
627 · Aug 2016
Contortionist(Definition)
xmxrgxncy Aug 2016
A figure who spends all his time
twisting to fit in
to society
624 · Jan 2016
Vent C
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
You couldn't conceive
How careless you come off
When I'm crying for attention
But you can't reciprocate.....
Priorities.
622 · Jan 2016
Duplicity
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
I am who you long to see
Yet who you will never cease to be

I am what you envy most
But I am more dead than a ghost

I am little, small and weak
Yet I do more, much more than speak

In my eyes I hold the key
But to get it, you must first unsee

For days of cold when lights grow dim
I am yours- I am him.
611 · Mar 2017
I Cannot Sleep
xmxrgxncy Mar 2017
I cannot sleep, for I'm nursing a sheep,
A coughing, sputtering lamb;
I cannot rest, for I'm doing my best
My medicinal best that I can.

Mama was young, and she knew no demands
For how to care, it was told;
Mama was scared, and she left them to stand
And to freeze in the shuddering cold.

Baby girl died, it was frosty and bleak
Under that black food bowl she lay;
Baby girl died, she was so unique
The size of a child's shoe, she bayed.

So here I sit nursing a poor coughing lamb,
Here I sit nursing a sick deathly man,
Here I sit hoping-just maybe- he'll live,
Futilely promising my life for his.
I'm now, as we speak, sitting in bed holding a lamb wrapped in towels who is Wetly hiccuping and coughing and bleating weakly. I hope he lives. His name is Bud. I'm promising myself that if he lives, well repair our well being together, onestep at a time.
610 · Jan 2016
Heart
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
It'd be easier to cut into me
All the words I wish to see
For the time I waste writing in vain
Does naught but cause me uncouth pain.

This pen's too heavy, my arms, too tired
And through me a mistake is wired
Too long my cogs and wheels have turned
Without due love to be returned.

Emotions flow too free and too wild,
Like the hands of an impish devil child
Too strong and too deep, they rage like bears
Shouting loud as they can, yet no one's aware.

For, feeling things as I often do,
Often what hurts is the ilk that is true.
A false word would save me the strife-
Oh! See what my heart has done to my life!
I'm really impulsive and driven by my emotions- I think it scared people off, even my boyfriend, though he is too sweet to ever admit it. My heart rules all....beware.
605 · Oct 2016
bleeding
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
But how can I see if there's too much smoke?* she pleaded, latching onto my arms with thorny tenacity.
How can you complain when you create that smoke yourself? I combatted question with question, ******* snow into the grey nosy wisps.
It's your fault. Liquid roses dripped to the snow.
Steam kissed the smoke.
**I know.
605 · Jul 2016
But I Will (#11)
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
You ask me not to wait for you

I've been waiting my entire life.

Mama says I'm too direct, that I say things too quickly. But what does it matter?

Maybe my entire life, all of these nineteen years, wasted in the poppies beyond the tall, tall fence...

Maybe, just maybe, I've been waiting, and I didn't even know. Maybe I was waiting- am still waiting- for you.
604 · Mar 2017
Remember (Repost)
xmxrgxncy Mar 2017
You think you know every little crack, every crevice in my soul; yet there is so much of my life’s book that you haven’t read. My hair is a carefully styled mess, strategically placed static, and my lips are what they are- lonely. Sometimes I think you wonder about who I am, my origins; I can’t say that I don’t either. How’d I end up as such as mistake? You love me for what you say are perfections, yet you see not the real me, you see the front I put up, my acting. How can one be addicted to a person who doesn’t even know themself? Yet loving you makes me want to learn.

We both **** the life, the very being from each other; yet it is still not enough. I want to hook myself to you like an IV, to pull the gold running through your veins into my conciousness and let it light me. If there was a way to evaporate your essence and save it in a bottle for later, I’d be the scientist who discovered the way to do it. The very scent of you carried on the air from yards away is enough to register me for a few centuries in an asylum. You say you barely wearr cologne, and I understand it. You wear yourself, a fragrance I wish I could rub all over myself every second of every day, every time I curl up in a ball on my bed after you drive home at night, wondering why it is you can’t just stay.

You belong to the road, you’ve sold your soul to the feeling of the wind in your hair. I can’t break your contract with independence, but I can tag along for the ride. Seeing you so happy, getting your racer’s tan, blaring the radio until the speakers want to scream. Why can’t I partake in your happiness? I wish there was a way for us to share the love for the world that you have; in its’ place in my mind is loathing. The only reason for living I have is you- and all I ask of you is to answer this one question; how have you fallen for this fallen angel, the outcast of society, the girl whom everyone forgot to remember and who you didn’t remember to forget?
604 · May 2016
Maybe?
xmxrgxncy May 2016
Would it be totally ludacris
If we could just
Forget ourselves
For just
One
Second....
598 · May 2017
Remember That?
xmxrgxncy May 2017
I know just looking at me makes your lips twitch.
Don't you wish you could remember how they felt on mine...
595 · Sep 2019
read
xmxrgxncy Sep 2019
i flatter myself, thinking every word you ever wrote was inspired by me
i know they weren't
but i can't stop rereading and wondering
hoping
i'm not crying
586 · Mar 2017
Musing 1
xmxrgxncy Mar 2017
i just want my eyelashes against your cheeks.
586 · Aug 2016
Substitution
xmxrgxncy Aug 2016
If only I could sing
to make up for the words I just can't say
#m
583 · Apr 2016
Concision(Definition)
xmxrgxncy Apr 2016
To hold a scalpel
Above the gossamer ribbon
That is the equator
And create two halves
Of a mottled looking orange
583 · Oct 2016
left
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
No, she breathed, melted snow dripping from under her eyelids like a fountain of frost. *No.
Feelings can lie. But, my head swirled as I stood suddenly,**Why would I?
580 · Jul 2018
wonder
xmxrgxncy Jul 2018
it's no small wonder, watching birds learn to fly.

there's a small nest on the ledge outside my dorm window, and the chirping of the mothers wakes me up on the earliest of days. i'd be lying if i said i was overjoyed at the occurence, especially on the days when i have early class.
but then came the babies.

like me, they were cold and afraid in a completely new environment.
like me, they were scared to death of every person walking by.
like me, they had no clue how to fly.
but like me, they learned.

i live somewhere else now, and still get woken up by the birds. i can't help but wonder sometimes if they're the babies that learned to fly on the ledge outside my room around the same time that i did, stroke by wobbly stroke through the turbulent air. it's amazing how much they've grown. i'm so proud of them.

likewise, i'm proud of myself. i made it through the first year of college-bad grades, no friends, drama, and adjusting to being by myself a lot was a really hard transition. once i left the nest, that was it. and it was terrifying. but i've learned to fly since those days, and despite a badly paying job, no friends in the area, and being down on myself, i'm still hovering above the ground. that's no small accomplishment.

it's no small wonder, watching birds learn how to fly.
college narrative, i guess. it's crazy how things have come full circle, and how i've begun to look back on high school and miss what good experiences i had there(even though a lot about college is fantastic). i had blocked it and the people involved out of my mind for so long that i had almost forgotten how hard of a career high school was. while i'm glad it's over, it's interesting looking back on it from a mature perspective. i made so many bad choices. i can only hope the way i'm living now remedies those choices as best as they can. living holding onto grudges and old hurt is the hardest thing i had to learn to let go of, but it can only make your entire life toxic. and i'm still growing.
580 · Jul 2016
Oh PLEASE
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
It wasn't your fault, so don't act like it was.
It isn't your problem, so don't act like it is.

And I'm not yours anymore...but don't automatically assume I hate you.
579 · May 2016
Not Scared
xmxrgxncy May 2016
I'm not afraid
Not now
Not ever
Yet

She's not a cowboy
So I can't call her my partner
But what can I call her
When all we feel like
Is machines

Twisted gears and mangled fears
Push up on us faded years
And hopefully there'll be no tears
When the truth breaks out
For a final
Last
Hurrah
579 · Jul 2016
Push on Your Heart
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
The notes on their hearts can't start to depart
cause their brains can't even start to detain
what is part of their name;
it's their fame, their shame, the life that they live
and the pain that they use to assure that they gain

You love and you live and you push and you win
but you push all your sin to limit and when you're
deep in it you can't pin with win to hold down your sin

so eat what you gain and forget all your fame
the fame of the game that you started through pain
cause your name can't contain all the hearts you disdain
and you can't keep on winning the way you keep sinning

so push on your heart
**** all the art
shatter the legacies break all the tendencies
cut all the ways that would force you to stay like the one who
cried every night cause he lost the one fight where the girl got away

push on your heart
**** all the art

open the pockets and rivet the sockets that pulse all the life
that pounds into your strife
when you're dying you're done
when we're lying we're one
so pull on the trigger cause tonight we've got none

nothing to share and there's nothing to hold
so gimme the lines and the words tell me I'm bold

push on your heart
**** all the art

let everything inside of you just die
cause the life that once lived is no longer alive
and though you may try you just can't satisfy
the heart that you want to be inside her eyes
578 · Jul 2016
Speak
xmxrgxncy Jul 2016
Speak to me, someone.

Because God knows she won't

And even if she did

They wouldn't be the words

I want to hear
577 · Mar 2017
Greetings.
xmxrgxncy Mar 2017
Greetings.
I know you didn’t even know I existed until church was over and you were looking for a reason to stay away from home, but here I am.
Feed me.

Heya.
I’m really cold over here. I know you’ve been heating blanket after blanket every ten minutes, but it’s been nine degrees outside for the whole afternoon and I only just came inside.
Warm me.

Hi, there.
I really don’t want this bottle. Rest assured, I’m hungry, but I’m feeling so weak. I don’t feel like doing anything but sleep and I miss my mother….why didn’t she want me?
Love me.

Hiya.
Your bed is so warm, and the sound of your breathing comforts me. Thank you for taking me in, new mother. Thank you for being there every four hours to feed me, I know you’re tired. I’m cold again.
Hold me.

Hey.
It was a long night but we got through it...but I feel so alone. The dogs seem to like me, but all I want is you. No one else is allowed to feed me, understand? I’m feeling colder, and not as hungry...and scared.
Stay with me.

Hi.
I know you’re trying your best, but it isn’t working very well. I need more. I wish I could tell you just what it is I’m missing. I wish I could spell it out for you.
Read me.

Hello.
The shaking won’t stop, mother. What’s going on? I can barely open my eyes, and warmth seems to evaporate off me into thin air. I don’t understand what’s happening. My heart is breaking with every beat it misses…

Goodbye.
Our little lamb passed this morning, peacefully. It broke my heart. What does that symbolize for my working through anxiety that I had tied with his getting better......I always take the animals' deaths so hard. Another reason why I really shouldn't live on a farm, ******.
577 · Dec 2015
Brand New Night
xmxrgxncy Dec 2015
The night is young
new
beautiful
silent
joyous

It holds so many opportunities, and just as the flower who only opens her petals when the moonlight embraces them, so I am parallel.

I thrive in the night. It is my time, my hour, my seconds that only I have dominion over as I rise from the petals of my bed and am lit by the candlelight.

The waves of glow bounce off my nightgown slowly, slowly, and the undulating satin reverberates off my long legs as it dances with the faint breeze flowing through my room. I smile weakly.

Moving to the window, I can see for miles- a stretch of green quilting left there by God and his court, the velvet of the stitching vibrant in the light of the pale moon. It is unfinished.

The candle in the sill below me wanes slightly, and I blink. Reaching down, my fingers touch wax and guide it to my lips.

Fire reflects in my eyes the passion I have for such nights, for the silence that is filled with the deafening meekness of night sounds, for the musky, dark scent of my attic bedroom, from the taste of the faint dust lining the air.

I sigh, and smoke infiltrates my nostrils quietly, without invitation but without respite. The light is gone. My fingers quiver as I hold the wax, cold and lifeless now, and I sigh again. Quieter.

The night is brand new. I have only to light but one more match in order to explore it more fully. There is naught I cannot do when I hold in my hand this sheen that will light the recesses of the dark that haunt my room. My life. My eyes. And my fears.
Written from the perspective of a young lady in the olden days when she cannot sleep. Simple, really.
576 · Nov 2015
Ode to Desperation
xmxrgxncy Nov 2015
Why do you darken my door once again?
What is it I've done
to deserve
this
e m  p   t    y    
s      p       a        c         e          ?

To spite you,
I'll welcome you.

To scold you,
I'll embrace your cold.

shiver, shiver

Here you come again,
lancing at my dreams,
my hopes,
my visions,
all of which I want to capture on paper,
but all of which you turn out
like horses from a stable
into the wilderness beyond
the reach of my pen.

Desperate.
It is not your namesake, no;
neither is it mine.

It does not belong to the man who searches for wisdom,
to the girl who bleeds her fingers on typewriter keys.

O, desperation, make me a statue
that others may look upon my emptiness
and feel
whole.
573 · Oct 2016
Memories
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
if my life is a constant case of
deja vù
then why am i having so much trouble
**remembering myself
570 · Jan 2016
Birches
xmxrgxncy Jan 2016
My heart flew out the window
In restless black and gold
To alight in the wet, crunchy snow
And languish in the cold.

My heart, my heart, alone it was,
Down there amongst the trees
The birches watched it die because
It'd forgotten how to breathe.
Written as I stared out the window in class today....
569 · Oct 2016
Mentality
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
No, I'm not just shy,
I'm anxious.

No, I'm not just rude,
I'm uncontrolled.

No, I'm not just cryptic,
I'm confused.

No, I'm not just distant,
I'm numb.

And no, I don't just hate you,
I'm scared.
sometimes I wish people could see into my mind, not for pity, but so they know I'm not trying to be hurtful or annoying or manipulative or vengeful. I don't understand myself anymore and I'm trying. God, I'm trying.
568 · Oct 2016
My Poetry Voice
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
My poetry voice
can sing like a bird
and drone like the chorus
that no one has heard

My poetry voice
can howl like a wolf
and moan like the windsets
that brush just off  the gulf.

My poetry voice
can scream like the lost
and make a new mark
to be fervently embossed.

My poetry voice
can whisper like ghosts
and fade into darkness
like those we love most.

My poetry voice
can silence like  the grave
and mourn all the losses
I've not written today.
wanted to rhyme, and this turned out really ******. Yay.
567 · Oct 2016
me?
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
me?
i'm going to start a tally
of things i've done wrong
but i need you to tell me
what it is i'm doing
before i can know how
to change...
565 · Oct 2016
u^p
xmxrgxncy Oct 2016
u^p
itches        p
tingling u    p
my spine, u       p
my tall frame, u           p
the rest of my body, u

up.

until they have nowhere to go
but to nestle in my head
559 · Feb 2016
Almost
xmxrgxncy Feb 2016
I almost said it.

But it wouldn't have been saying it.

Why am I such a coward......

No pressure?
Almost used the l word but I wanna say it in person rather than over text....ugh. Struggle is real:/
558 · May 2016
Seven Days
xmxrgxncy May 2016
Just because I listen
To digital cello music Monday's
Space rock Tuesday's
Country hoedown Wednesday's
Emotive rap Thursday's
Classical pieces Friday's
And metal on Saturdays
Doesn't mean Sunday
Has to be a day
Of rest
Just to show the multitude of music I listen to....on a daily basis, not even spread through a week like that.
558 · May 2016
Today is My Day
xmxrgxncy May 2016
Unity.
Hands, rings, fingers
Smelly perfume and the swishes of gowns
That take us back
To a time period without pain
Caused by one another's insufferability....

Today is my day,
Ours,
And with a final
Huzzah
And a final
Amen
We will all become
One
Prom and Ring Ceremony today XD
558 · Apr 2017
candles
xmxrgxncy Apr 2017
i felt them sputter in and out of life
between my fingers
little tails twitched-twitc-twitched
then lay still and dormant as a bulb in winter.
fur glistened with blood and i wondered
what it means to have life
and why god has means to take it away.
lives are like candles,
blow on them too hard and they sputter out.
only those narcissistic enough to relight themselves
stay here on this earth and keep
burning away in pain until they're naught but
ashes on the ground. or in it.
so i'll light a light for the lights that died
in my hands last night,
the stench of afterbirth and sour blood
infiltrating every sense i have.
i will not soon forget that dismal dark.
piglets and their mother died last night. i had to help butcher the mom's body and i am so sickened i can barely function....
556 · Mar 2017
recipe
xmxrgxncy Mar 2017
four hours of sleep
three days of fluffy frills, lace, and cat ears
four days of flannels and dark eyeliner
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of good music

how to create a me
but you wont want to.

side effects include:
depression
anxiety
isolation
manipulation

is it worth it?
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