you live in a place in me
that no one dares to touch
not even myself
especially myself

you leave a hole the size of your feet
every time i ask you to leave

this is an(other) act of blackmailing myself
because whenever i ask around
for help to cover the hole somehow
they always answer the same thing

*sorry honey,
that is not my shoe size

i guess i don't love you anymore
i l i v e you.

this is a story about a war
angels looking for completeness, and
reapers in uniforms

we raised our flags
they raised their guns
we filled the sky with our cry
we heard gunfire gunfire gunfire

you can never
ever
feed the hungry with bullets

four angels went home

do demons really run,
when a good man goes to war?

so this is the final note,

i already sang my ideal goodbye a few months ago. cosmic tears, silent breaths. wished that not only the sound of my breathing that was missing.

i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself go back into the well-lit corner where we tried to sync our voices so we could sound less disastrous. but then it inspired another analogy. we are that corner. more than anything else

have you ever looked at someone and thought, “you’re the young adult novel i read last month.”

written on brown was another goodbye note. unsent messages and remixes of old regrets. i got rid of idealism and embraced the disaster that was going to happen. but it didn’t work

i’ll have you know that i never read those novels anymore. i find them too naive, or maybe i’m just too bitter. i’ll have you know that i stopped after our second first meeting.

and a few days ago i thought that you were just a fuel that keeps my fingers tapping. not the destination. but i guess you won’t reach any destination with an empty tank, will you?

remember a year ago that you were just another form of my failed dream? of a regret that isn’t quite clear. you became much greater than that, you are a bigger, higher hope, thrown harder to the ground.

remember when i thought you share my madness of two. ours. it took me a few tens of stair steps and a couple of incompatible seats to realize that you never were. my naivety never went away after all.

remember when you turned your back gracefully; remember when i was glad that my pillows weren’t made of sponge? remember diamonds turning into broken glass?

you don’t. you will never. because you never knew (or pretended to not)

and in the end, i’d do it all again.

i’ll betray myself again; i’ll let myself down again. i’ll always love to think that i’m not the only one that is afraid, that is screaming my fears away.

but even after shouting my heart out and putting my mind on display, i’m not quite outside my head, not yet. i really do believe in miracles. and maybe one day someone will drop a key to my thoughts and leave me to exit them myself.

*sometimes i like to think that person is you.

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep I'm sorry you were awake in someone else's dream I'm sorry it was mine again

time hits me like a full-moon wave
and went back just as fast
time hits you like a breeze
and caresses your skin
(i can perfectly see why
you don't get my fear of getting old)

sometimes i just want to catch a wave
and get closer to the moon
then bring back a reason why
i can't afford to lose you

i'm tired

you're city lights and waving flags
cheerful laughs and matching footsteps
and i swear the blinking lights almost,
almost made me feel august

you're early morning rush,
blacks around my eyes
lowered gaze, silent greetings
made you lose your augustness

and august, i'm tired
you're soaking me
and the idealist inside of me says
"don't leave before i'm alright"

life is just a monotony if you fill it with a single thing
take one down and everything falls apart
i remember that afternoon when it couldn't be continued
i remember my knees get weak
i remember falling to the ground
someone should've told me to fight less
should've told me to stop loving short nights away from home
stop admiring citylights from the second floor
maybe i shouldn't have woken up so early
shouldn't have taken early morning showers
i should have stopped myself from living someone else's past
and living someone else's hopes
never try to impress a dummy
even the ones that say they'll bleed for you
i will try to forget how i sound after climbing those stairs
how they picked their microphones and screamed their adoration
this is time to start anew
maybe this time there won't be citylights
but please tell those short trips i'm coming back again
and tell them this:
today i don't have other dreams to die for

Scream your promises to my windows
I will answer to the streets
Carve forevers to my bed post
I will sleep covered in sheets

Keep your favorite record on my shelves
I might listen to them, unarmed
But I won't bother waking up early by myself
If you set silence as my alarm

Say that I never loved you, because
I'm like faraway stars in the morning

under this blanket of starless skies  i lie
i clench my teeth, and
hope that i can put curses in reverse

i have seen faiths tumbling down
further away from a faraway fate
i always kept my fists clenched

life has offered me blood and tears
but never told me whose are they
i decided to stay low
i've had enough of my own

i can put curses in reverse
God bless the sad and selfish

this is the last call
i try to get the last of everything
the last of the cold breeze
perhaps some fire of your anger
and of my own eyes
(they will not exist tomorrow)

for passengers of flight -
did the sun forget to wake up?
all i can see is shadows!
and the lamps only pierce me deeper
but never through the hollowness

please proceed to -
no, don't tell me to go
don't tell me i have to
i'd go between highway lines again
if it means home

thank you

i met someone approximately six years ago
he resembles you so much
i thought you were his brother
he thought i cared about him

the year after that, i got to know someone
but i never got to know him fully
at least not until three years after that
he took long to be understood; but he is

then you thought i would stay by your side
i wanted to, but never did
you're taking long to be understood
and when i thought you are, you aren't

so to answer your question,
i have met thousands of your kind
and have met you for the first time twice
but you, sir, still remain a question for me

you wait every night for the same thing you always avoided everyday. it comes at three a.m in waves.

first wave:
remember yesterday?
how you couldn't get this right?

second wave:
here's a bit of your past
here are new ways to regret it

third wave:
it will soak you dry
and drain you to sleep
goodnight

sometimes they last longer than you expect
and i always want you to build a boat

does she know
how many times
p e r  m i n u t e
you tap your fingers on your thighs
when you're about to see her?

does she know
how many millimeters
your eyes dilate
when you see her?
but not me, not me

does she know
how white your knuckles are
when you hear that
somebody hurt her?
and i can hear you boiling

tell her to keep a tally
and beg me to not

i'm good at math;
counting things i'll never have.

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said

maybe you'd forgive me for leaving you
on that day when you decided not to stay
i'm sorry that you went astray
i just realized that i did too

i'm sorry that i had the heart to ask for forever
without asking myself how long it could get
we went on our separate ways with our egos above water
with bags of our dreams that were already dead

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said
maybe we can find our way back home
maybe i can finally feel not alone

tremble, tremble
love is a word stuck in my throat
and your name is sitting on top of my lungs

three and a half minutes are never enough
duration of frustrated screams
i can't believe you didn't know
about truth slipping between my lips

crumple, crumple
love is a word that's only written
and your name is the title of my journal

the mile ride home doesn't feel so brief, and
on my way home i need to stop by the jet wash
now that you took our favorite mixtape
i realize that this lonely war is quiet
i can hear the engine humming
yesterday it was muffled by your breathing

isn't it odd?
i'm sure you didn't smile triumphantly either

there's just too many locks i hold, and
i can't remember which one's for home

Find me in your pile of tissues
It was about time we promised each other to leave, and
Xylophone sounds ringing in your ears used to be mine

Moonshine is quiet and pale
Even though you asked me to brighten it up

I** will stay in your head as an apology
Nailed on it
4 gigabytes of memories, and
5 months of regret

i saw blood gleaming on Ares' hands,
as i put my bullets to rest
i'm on the wrong side
i am only a part of numbers

i dropped my clouds of dreams
picked up hatred instead
i let them burn me, drown me in blindness
so i could see myself as a temporary hero

i see the right side rise as victors
and i'm someone else's mistake in history books
just one insignificant number
between remains and ashes

the rest of the city spat at me
i see my mother's regret in every drop
and all the lovers with pale bodies
and their prayers left unanswered

so, you decided to go
you gave me your keys
told me to lock the doors
i said "just ring the bell when you come back"

you turned on the car
as i did the tv
didn't think the show would be so loud
but it drowned the sound of you leaving

after some days,
i realized tv shows aren't my favorite waste of time
and you didn't go
to come home

lips dry
hands trembling
and it's all still
u n s a i d

I hope you find comfort in the clouds,
The one you don't find in me.

don't save me

this is
merely
another sunset

(i'll rise)

Lonely nights and unfinished wars,
Keep your love poems to yourself
Stop looking at the mirror
Or developing glorification

Wet pillows and scratched bed posts,
Start singing me lullabies
Stop screaming silent screeches
Or suffocating my sweet dreams

So I'll put on my shoes
And hope the laces stay this way
Because we're too hopeless to smear coals to fight
Lonely wars and unfinished nights

He speaks in clichés and I only speak in antithesis.

there is always something left after every long journey
maybe on a bus or a restaurant seat
or maybe at a place where you didn't even see me
and what's left was something you couldn't notice

there is always something lost after every  long journey
that makes the ride home anxious and strange
full of drunken bag-checks and rummagings
and what's lost was something I couldn't  get rid of

there's something that we lose after we leave our long journey
and it's not going to be at the lost-and-found

she's the violent pouring rain.

this lightning strikes the same way every time it rains. the same boy hides every time it blares. his mother stays to shoo his fears. the girl goes outside to see her favorite color.

he said she has gone out of reach. she said she's getting better. he said she should've stayed. she said he should've listened.

his mother sits beside him to soothe his wounds.

he's the smell of the grass after rain,
and she can't stand ending herself.

salty waves.
it was all scattered diamonds
you were still on the top of my lungs
and it was like being choked by cobwebs

it would be much more painless,
if your shadows didn't play hide and seek

holding back those waves felt bitter and empty
this lump in my throat is going up, and down
and up
find me a new taste that isn't a void

and if you find a stray halo on the streets,
send it back to me

i labeled my dreams with your name
then you packed it with your belongings
thinking it was yours to keep

I've got this fever
Built by the cold night's breeze
Some say I'm homesick
But homesickness goes away over time

I've got this fever
Built by the beds I made myself
There's lack of warmth to keep me alive
And too much heartbeats that don't match

I've got this fever
Built by the early morning loneliness
By crowded lines in noisy halls
And footstep sounds that's stomping my thoughts

I could still hear her say
"Baby, come home.
Keep your anchor down longer this time
And I promise I'll take care of your battle scars."

Baby, I'll come home

lay your head to rest
let your smiling sanity take over
blast my favorite song out loud
let it numb you then fight back
paving roads isn't a job to be done alone
but the bridges i burned will keep you warm

start with my lost promises-
those said between lines and choruses
-between translation and interpretation

they say one way to avoid falling
is to never climb at all
but these are mountains i screamed your name on
and skies where i wonder if you see the same star

mop your spilled thoughts
and squeeze them into mason jars
you say i shouldn't simplify my dreams
but you're the one twirling in my sleep

let march flow just like last year
convince me that you'll never come back
*burn these keys for me
and pray that i'll forget my way home

i got admitted to a place to learn a new language
i met saints and ancient evils along the way

have you ever felt like growing colorful?

today marks a year after this place got a new paint job

i got admitted to attain new colors again
and this paint job simply never ends

hey, i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
and i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll ask me how we met

it started with a glitch
it's also a cliche
but it's wonderful anyway

if i wasn't such a failure we wouldn't know each other

love's stupid sometimes
and glitches are stupid
and i hope this one is planned

i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll like this glitch

i treat you like an old favorite record

i turned on the radio
and heard a poppy song
it was easy for it to interest me
and easier for me to end up switching the station

my friend brought me to an opera
i could still hear the perfection flowing
and shivers growing inside me
like mushrooms on humid lands

but you are an old loved record
that never leaves the turntable
with scratches carved into you
after spins for the lonely soul

hearing you call my name again
strangely feels like
*home

it takes twenty one days
to build a new habit*
and you came back to me
on the twentieth day

she's counting her bills
and counting on her prayers

he left before she knew what it meant to stay

she spent years of her childhood building herself alone
hoping that she would be loved when fully built

she ate her pride and drank her hopes, then
she lost her pride and bought new hopes

she's spending years building herself alone
for herself alone

she figured out what it means to stay

she's counting on her bills
and counting her prayers

we all only love honesty
when the truth is pretty

some people have their heads in the cloud because they're falling stars
some people dance in the rain because they can't take shelter

i'm not watering down your fight
i'm not burying my might

some days you ask where this plane is going and some days you realize you're on a train
most days you don't

how free are you?
does it matter?

We once lived near a school, I swear to god I could still hear those little kids screaming excitedly. When you look outside the window you would ask me if I wanted to learn anything more, and I would say I learn new things every day just by looking at you. You would smile and say that you're nothing compared to the universe. You were always right, then you would ask again and again and I would answer the same.
What you never knew is that you're the answer for the blank spaces I always had. You never knew that no calculation would fill my head so well, and no map would make me feel so small like your eyes.
I don't know why you are still looking for answers, but whatever it is, I hope God listens to my prayers.

standing between us is a one way mirror
i'm one of the observants
and you're an innocent child who doesn't know anything

allow yourself to be silent
let your cries be unheard but to one
and maybe, if you believe
you'll find your peace

the sky guarding your sleep
the clouds keeping you warm
the wind whispering lullabies
the fire dying and resurrecting
the wolves calling for moons
the trees shivering

i asked mother nature once
she loves you

you're a faded moon
so deafen me with the chosen strangers
and cover the sound of you leaving
you finally remember how to land
after sailing polluted skies
full of light that covers the stars
lay me down, fade away
the sun will rise
and i'll burn again
as you grow translucent
i'll picture you finally caressing sunshine
and you'll never be the same
because the last time i knew you
you weren't a full moon

i will fill you with apologies
let them flow through your teeth

i will give you roses in the form of words
clean of their thorns
growing without their soil

i will fill every protagonist gap in your story, and
be the "you" in each of your poems

i will be the stump of every tree you cut, and
seeds of every tree you plant

i will make you one hundred
as i die out as a hero;
your zero

a lot changed since your seventeenth birthday
when you received a brighter smile as a present
after bearing a void for a couple of years

it was a rebound
you jumped back at life
brighter than you ever were

a lot changed since your seventeenth birthday
when you received a fix for your flaws
after being incomplete for a couple of years

but you were more divine
with your inch-long flaw
and i was so in love
with your humble divinity

i tried to tangle with your ends because i thought you were different (than me). i didn't know i was fighting a law of physics when i gravitate towards your skin. we're not supposed to be such a ball of threads yet i'm trying to entangle from your effortless force.

*tl;dr: you were a clear lake and i probably was just trying to love myself. loved you instead.

there's no powerpoint presentation or a pocket guide nor a three inch-thick hardcover book for falling in love.
there's no rain with more oxygen than hydrogen that keeps the fire alive.
there will never be an elder who fully understands the oh-and-ah's of your young naivety.
there will be painful memories attached to your most loved songs.

this is life. you'll fall, get up, fall again, fail to get up. the lights will go out. you will get lost. you will feel the pain of being left.
this is the time when you pack up your tears and painkillers.
you will be you.
because that is life,
and this is love.

if you only would listen to my voice, it's always high and trembling maybe one day you'll notice that it is struggling to keep you from robbing my temple.

look me in the eyes
with your mouth covered
and tell me what i want to hear
through what you're listening to

i'm fully awake
not fully right
i'll look you in the eyes
all silent but screaming

"may nothing but death do us part"