I hope you find comfort in the clouds,
The one you don't find in me.

Scream your promises to my windows
I will answer to the streets
Carve forevers to my bed post
I will sleep covered in sheets

Keep your favorite record on my shelves
I might listen to them, unarmed
But I won't bother waking up early by myself
If you set silence as my alarm

Say that I never loved you, because
I'm like faraway stars in the morning

the mile ride home doesn't feel so brief, and
on my way home i need to stop by the jet wash
now that you took our favorite mixtape
i realize that this lonely war is quiet
i can hear the engine humming
yesterday it was muffled by your breathing

isn't it odd?
i'm sure you didn't smile triumphantly either

there's just too many locks i hold, and
i can't remember which one's for home

I'm not dead yet, sugar.

I hope you aren't either.

hey, i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
and i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll ask me how we met

it started with a glitch
it's also a cliche
but it's wonderful anyway

if i wasn't such a failure we wouldn't know each other

love's stupid sometimes
and glitches are stupid
and i hope this one is planned

i know that you're a programmer
i know you hate glitches
i'm wondering if one day...
one day you'll like this glitch

i tried to tangle with your ends because i thought you were different (than me). i didn't know i was fighting a law of physics when i gravitate towards your skin. we're not supposed to be such a ball of threads yet i'm trying to entangle from your effortless force.

*tl;dr: you were a clear lake and i probably was just trying to love myself. loved you instead.

standing between us is a one way mirror
i'm one of the observants
and you're an innocent child who doesn't know anything

it takes twenty one days
to build a new habit*
and you came back to me
on the twentieth day

life is just a monotony if you fill it with a single thing
take one down and everything falls apart
i remember that afternoon when it couldn't be continued
i remember my knees get weak
i remember falling to the ground
someone should've told me to fight less
should've told me to stop loving short nights away from home
stop admiring citylights from the second floor
maybe i shouldn't have woken up so early
shouldn't have taken early morning showers
i should have stopped myself from living someone else's past
and living someone else's hopes
never try to impress a dummy
even the ones that say they'll bleed for you
i will try to forget how i sound after climbing those stairs
how they picked their microphones and screamed their adoration
this is time to start anew
maybe this time there won't be citylights
but please tell those short trips i'm coming back again
and tell them this:
today i don't have other dreams to die for

i've had the same question for days,
and i most definitely am not gonna ask you
this was always about myself
you're gonna scream you never knew
but the only thing worse than not knowing
is you thinking that i don't know.

maybe,
loving you was a reflex
and you never broke me
it always took just a second
for me to crumble down in your hands.

maybe it was never your hands after all.

buzz, buzz, buzz
did i ever love you
or were you an escape?
did i ever love you
or were your name just drops of ink
i needed to fill this crumpled journal.

don't save me

this is
merely
another sunset

(i'll rise)

some people have their heads in the cloud because they're falling stars
some people dance in the rain because they can't take shelter

i'm not watering down your fight
i'm not burying my might

some days you ask where this plane is going and some days you realize you're on a train
most days you don't

how free are you?
does it matter?

I've got this fever
Built by the cold night's breeze
Some say I'm homesick
But homesickness goes away over time

I've got this fever
Built by the beds I made myself
There's lack of warmth to keep me alive
And too much heartbeats that don't match

I've got this fever
Built by the early morning loneliness
By crowded lines in noisy halls
And footstep sounds that's stomping my thoughts

I could still hear her say
"Baby, come home.
Keep your anchor down longer this time
And I promise I'll take care of your battle scars."

Baby, I'll come home

this is a story about a war
angels looking for completeness, and
reapers in uniforms

we raised our flags
they raised their guns
we filled the sky with our cry
we heard gunfire gunfire gunfire

you can never
ever
feed the hungry with bullets

four angels went home

do demons really run,
when a good man goes to war?

i treat you like an old favorite record

i turned on the radio
and heard a poppy song
it was easy for it to interest me
and easier for me to end up switching the station

my friend brought me to an opera
i could still hear the perfection flowing
and shivers growing inside me
like mushrooms on humid lands

but you are an old loved record
that never leaves the turntable
with scratches carved into you
after spins for the lonely soul

He speaks in clichés and I only speak in antithesis.

i labeled my dreams with your name
then you packed it with your belongings
thinking it was yours to keep

i guess i don't love you anymore
i l i v e you.

lay your head to rest
let your smiling sanity take over
blast my favorite song out loud
let it numb you then fight back
paving roads isn't a job to be done alone
but the bridges i burned will keep you warm

start with my lost promises-
those said between lines and choruses
-between translation and interpretation

they say one way to avoid falling
is to never climb at all
but these are mountains i screamed your name on
and skies where i wonder if you see the same star

mop your spilled thoughts
and squeeze them into mason jars
you say i shouldn't simplify my dreams
but you're the one twirling in my sleep

let march flow just like last year
convince me that you'll never come back
*burn these keys for me
and pray that i'll forget my way home

i will fill you with apologies
let them flow through your teeth

i will give you roses in the form of words
clean of their thorns
growing without their soil

i will fill every protagonist gap in your story, and
be the "you" in each of your poems

i will be the stump of every tree you cut, and
seeds of every tree you plant

i will make you one hundred
as i die out as a hero;
your zero

this is the last call
i try to get the last of everything
the last of the cold breeze
perhaps some fire of your anger
and of my own eyes
(they will not exist tomorrow)

for passengers of flight -
did the sun forget to wake up?
all i can see is shadows!
and the lamps only pierce me deeper
but never through the hollowness

please proceed to -
no, don't tell me to go
don't tell me i have to
i'd go between highway lines again
if it means home

thank you

all that you are is the last bits of hope-
the ones to blame in times of despair,
endorphin sprinkled on a void
uncontrollable glitches on a perfection

clenched teeth,
sweaty palms
high-pitched voice,
monotone talks

all you hear is untried wishes
and throwaway dreams
fresh regrets,
and cosmic what if's

all that you are is my last bits of hope
and this is a love like hospital prayers

standing in a city that's constantly trying to abort its breath, we're looking at the sky

we might be defined to repeat fist-pumping anthems and tragic falls. all of them, no returns.

and you ask me, "don't you want to start over and look anywhere but at me?" that question again, and my answer is always no.

oh, baby boy, lift your headache head...

remnants of our past? oh they burn all right, fire roaring, smoke choking. they're just waiting for the next rain to put them to sleep

then they sleep, and it's morning. time to start again.

you'll be a stranger again and even though i'm choking on their ashes, i will not recognize you.

pump your fists. we'll fall again without a clue.

hearing you call my name again
strangely feels like
*home

so this is the final note,

i already sang my ideal goodbye a few months ago. cosmic tears, silent breaths. wished that not only the sound of my breathing that was missing.

i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself go back into the well-lit corner where we tried to sync our voices so we could sound less disastrous. but then it inspired another analogy. we are that corner. more than anything else

have you ever looked at someone and thought, “you’re the young adult novel i read last month.”

written on brown was another goodbye note. unsent messages and remixes of old regrets. i got rid of idealism and embraced the disaster that was going to happen. but it didn’t work

i’ll have you know that i never read those novels anymore. i find them too naive, or maybe i’m just too bitter. i’ll have you know that i stopped after our second first meeting.

and a few days ago i thought that you were just a fuel that keeps my fingers tapping. not the destination. but i guess you won’t reach any destination with an empty tank, will you?

remember a year ago that you were just another form of my failed dream? of a regret that isn’t quite clear. you became much greater than that, you are a bigger, higher hope, thrown harder to the ground.

remember when i thought you share my madness of two. ours. it took me a few tens of stair steps and a couple of incompatible seats to realize that you never were. my naivety never went away after all.

remember when you turned your back gracefully; remember when i was glad that my pillows weren’t made of sponge? remember diamonds turning into broken glass?

you don’t. you will never. because you never knew (or pretended to not)

and in the end, i’d do it all again.

i’ll betray myself again; i’ll let myself down again. i’ll always love to think that i’m not the only one that is afraid, that is screaming my fears away.

but even after shouting my heart out and putting my mind on display, i’m not quite outside my head, not yet. i really do believe in miracles. and maybe one day someone will drop a key to my thoughts and leave me to exit them myself.

*sometimes i like to think that person is you.

does she know
how many times
p e r  m i n u t e
you tap your fingers on your thighs
when you're about to see her?

does she know
how many millimeters
your eyes dilate
when you see her?
but not me, not me

does she know
how white your knuckles are
when you hear that
somebody hurt her?
and i can hear you boiling

tell her to keep a tally
and beg me to not

i'm good at math;
counting things i'll never have.

i can see myself in you,
and i might like that*

last winter's first snow
do you remember?
we were salt that won't help defrost
and hoped summer was in permanent slumber

pebbles and branches
three ***** of snow
our little snowman was ready to go
then i thought summer stayed on your lips

i wonder what's so great about snowmen
do you see yourself in them?

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep I'm sorry you were awake in someone else's dream I'm sorry it was mine again

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said

maybe you'd forgive me for leaving you
on that day when you decided not to stay
i'm sorry that you went astray
i just realized that i did too

i'm sorry that i had the heart to ask for forever
without asking myself how long it could get
we went on our separate ways with our egos above water
with bags of our dreams that were already dead

tonight it got so hard and i called you
saturday, i said
maybe we can find our way back home
maybe i can finally feel not alone

salty waves.
it was all scattered diamonds
you were still on the top of my lungs
and it was like being choked by cobwebs

it would be much more painless,
if your shadows didn't play hide and seek

holding back those waves felt bitter and empty
this lump in my throat is going up, and down
and up
find me a new taste that isn't a void

and if you find a stray halo on the streets,
send it back to me

she's the violent pouring rain.

this lightning strikes the same way every time it rains. the same boy hides every time it blares. his mother stays to shoo his fears. the girl goes outside to see her favorite color.

he said she has gone out of reach. she said she's getting better. he said she should've stayed. she said he should've listened.

his mother sits beside him to soothe his wounds.

he's the smell of the grass after rain,
and she can't stand ending herself.

you live in a place in me
that no one dares to touch
not even myself
especially myself

you leave a hole the size of your feet
every time i ask you to leave

this is an(other) act of blackmailing myself
because whenever i ask around
for help to cover the hole somehow
they always answer the same thing

*sorry honey,
that is not my shoe size

to: aleph

hey
there's so much things going on in these last two weeks. at least in my head. you left. i closed the door loudly. i locked it and i hoped that you could hear the sound of the locks clicking. ( but i didn't want you to hear how my hands was shaking when i was looking for the right key).

all i want to say is i'm sorry. i'm sorry i don't tell you enough, i'm sorry that i told you too much things that doesn't matter. i'm sorry i treat you like another ego-booster. i'm sorry i acted like i didn't care. i, in fact, really care about you and it hurts me to see you think that i don't.

please never forget the way i looked you in the eyes when we listen to that verse together.

i wish i was braver, i'd break this silence that's been killing me. but then again, if i was braver, i would have told you i love you a thousand times.

i'd say "i'd do it all again", sweetly like in one of our favorite songs, but no, i'm not brave enough, and we destroyed each other too much.

--status: draft. 26.3.2015 22:47

there's no powerpoint presentation or a pocket guide nor a three inch-thick hardcover book for falling in love.
there's no rain with more oxygen than hydrogen that keeps the fire alive.
there will never be an elder who fully understands the oh-and-ah's of your young naivety.
there will be painful memories attached to your most loved songs.

this is life. you'll fall, get up, fall again, fail to get up. the lights will go out. you will get lost. you will feel the pain of being left.
this is the time when you pack up your tears and painkillers.
you will be you.
because that is life,
and this is love.

you wait every night for the same thing you always avoided everyday. it comes at three a.m in waves.

first wave:
remember yesterday?
how you couldn't get this right?

second wave:
here's a bit of your past
here are new ways to regret it

third wave:
it will soak you dry
and drain you to sleep
goodnight

sometimes they last longer than you expect
and i always want you to build a boat

i remember being in a car when i was four years old, looking outside and smiling, being thankful that it hadn't rained for months.
i remember walking down this very pavement when it was slippery and i was six and wanting nothing else but to go home
i remember going to my best friend's house when water flooded the streets, i fell down and bruised my knee
i remember seeing a woman lose her shoe during a flood

i feel like i wasn't made to love rain. i love it when it ends. i love the smell of the grass after it rains. i love rainbows. i love all the cliches of it.

to answer your question,
i loved the rain exactly twice in my life
the second one being last june
you left in july and i haven't loved rain since

the sky guarding your sleep
the clouds keeping you warm
the wind whispering lullabies
the fire dying and resurrecting
the wolves calling for moons
the trees shivering

i asked mother nature once
she loves you

It's all blurred, and
I don't know whom to fight.

cheers
i took off, i'm a spring
push me down, let me go
and i'll rise higher than you know

cheers
i'm going places you never knew existed
unlit roads i told you i was afraid of?
they're more familiar than your fingertips

cheers
i'm above these stormy clouds,
crawling in space, having hard times
but safe from hurricanes

for sweet revenge.

if you only would listen to my voice, it's always high and trembling maybe one day you'll notice that it is struggling to keep you from robbing my temple.

under this blanket of starless skies  i lie
i clench my teeth, and
hope that i can put curses in reverse

i have seen faiths tumbling down
further away from a faraway fate
i always kept my fists clenched

life has offered me blood and tears
but never told me whose are they
i decided to stay low
i've had enough of my own

i can put curses in reverse
God bless the sad and selfish

i met someone approximately six years ago
he resembles you so much
i thought you were his brother
he thought i cared about him

the year after that, i got to know someone
but i never got to know him fully
at least not until three years after that
he took long to be understood; but he is

then you thought i would stay by your side
i wanted to, but never did
you're taking long to be understood
and when i thought you are, you aren't

so to answer your question,
i have met thousands of your kind
and have met you for the first time twice
but you, sir, still remain a question for me

i'm tired

you're city lights and waving flags
cheerful laughs and matching footsteps
and i swear the blinking lights almost,
almost made me feel august

you're early morning rush,
blacks around my eyes
lowered gaze, silent greetings
made you lose your augustness

and august, i'm tired
you're soaking me
and the idealist inside of me says
"don't leave before i'm alright"

Find me in your pile of tissues
It was about time we promised each other to leave, and
Xylophone sounds ringing in your ears used to be mine

Moonshine is quiet and pale
Even though you asked me to brighten it up

I** will stay in your head as an apology
Nailed on it
4 gigabytes of memories, and
5 months of regret

so, you decided to go
you gave me your keys
told me to lock the doors
i said "just ring the bell when you come back"

you turned on the car
as i did the tv
didn't think the show would be so loud
but it drowned the sound of you leaving

after some days,
i realized tv shows aren't my favorite waste of time
and you didn't go
to come home

lips dry
hands trembling
and it's all still
u n s a i d

Lonely nights and unfinished wars,
Keep your love poems to yourself
Stop looking at the mirror
Or developing glorification

Wet pillows and scratched bed posts,
Start singing me lullabies
Stop screaming silent screeches
Or suffocating my sweet dreams

So I'll put on my shoes
And hope the laces stay this way
Because we're too hopeless to smear coals to fight
Lonely wars and unfinished nights

she's counting her bills
and counting on her prayers

he left before she knew what it meant to stay

she spent years of her childhood building herself alone
hoping that she would be loved when fully built

she ate her pride and drank her hopes, then
she lost her pride and bought new hopes

she's spending years building herself alone
for herself alone

she figured out what it means to stay

she's counting on her bills
and counting her prayers

i saw blood gleaming on Ares' hands,
as i put my bullets to rest
i'm on the wrong side
i am only a part of numbers

i dropped my clouds of dreams
picked up hatred instead
i let them burn me, drown me in blindness
so i could see myself as a temporary hero

i see the right side rise as victors
and i'm someone else's mistake in history books
just one insignificant number
between remains and ashes

the rest of the city spat at me
i see my mother's regret in every drop
and all the lovers with pale bodies
and their prayers left unanswered

i read somewhere
that when you can't sleep
someone's dreaming about you
i'm sorry
but last night i had three dreams
two of them are nightmares
nightmares about you
and you almost fell asleep in the bus this morning
i'm sorry

*i read somewhere
that when you have dreams, you are sleeping rather well

so we know that it won't stop raining
we're stuck in the broad basketball yard
heart thumping hard like a bassline
i feel lost; you won't taste the rain

and we knew it rained hard a year ago,
locked our existences under sobbing clouds
nothing was worse than being under a roof
and i felt found despite the bad lighting