“Don’t eat all the green olives”
She says

“I don’t like the black ones”
She says

I frown a little
Shock biting my heart

“I know it’s stupid”
She laughs

“It’s just how I am”
She shrugs

I force a smile
My mind in the past

“Don’t eat all the green olives!”
She shrieks

“I won’t eat the black ones”
She pouts

He runs away with the bowl
Laughing as he steals the olives

“Come and get them!”
He calls

“I’m eating the green ones!”
He says

We, the oldest,
Exchange annoyed looks

“Hello? Anyone home”
She teases

“Where’d you go?”
She laughs

I offer a weak smile
And look away from the olives

Hiding from the memory within them

They say time will fix me
But you are still gone
I miss you each Christmas
Each birthday
Each day

They say time will fix me
But that is an idea for children

They say you are in a better place
But how can I be better without you
Who am I without you?
Without your smile
Without your love
Without you

They say you are in a better place
But that is a story for children

They say "sorry for your loss"
But how can they understand?
They don't know you
Know your quirks
Know your insecurities
Know you

They say they are sorry
But that is an excuse for children

They say there is a reason you are gone
But what could be the reason
I lost your beautiful soul
Beautiful heart
Beautiful mind
Beautiful everything

They say there is a reason
But that is a comfort for children

They say things like I am a child
But I have not been a child since you left
You are gone
And I am alone

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When life was good

When the only things that mattered
Were behaving like I should

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When things got hard

When the biggest thing that mattered
Were lost friends who left me scarred

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When everything got worse

When the hardest thing that happened
Was losing family to a hearse

As I stand and face my killer
I think forward--
When life improves

When the best things that could happen
Happen, my fears life soon removes

I stand and face my killer...
Then I turn the mirror around

I am sad
I see blues and purples
      Sometimes even reds
Sometimes the colors hurt
Sometimes they hurt a lot
Sometimes they hurt too much

So they gave me pills
Pretty little pills
To hide the blues and purples
        And sometimes reds
They say to find the yellows
And greens

I take the pretty little pills
And the blues and purples hide
But I've lost my yellows and greens
And all that's left

Is grey

When your favorite time of day
     Is the time you are asleep
When your favorite time of week
     Is when you are alone
When your favorite place to be
     Is too drunk to remember

When you cannot get up
      To do the work you should
When you cannot make yourself
       Take care of your health
When you're too exhausted
       To even move

Why not sleep forever?
Why not lose yourself forever?
Why not forget forever?

Why not give up forever?
Why not heal yourself forever?
Why not rest forever?

When you ask yourself
Why not
Every
Day

Well...
      Why not?

I see it
Nearby

I see it
Swinging open

I stretch out a hand
Then let it fall

I lift my eyes
But rest my head

I know I should get up
I know I should go through
But I can't
I can't

I see it swinging
Wide
      Open

There is light through the door
But darkness in my heart

Deep in my soul
I ache

My mind sweetly whispers
Little lies, little secrets
(You won't make it)
(You're too weak)
(You're not worth it)

I lay for a moment
Watching the door
Then I close
My
Eyes

Goodbye, I whisper
Forever gone

I quietly watch you walk away,
Calling over your shoulder
  "I'll never leave you"

(But we both know you're never coming back)

Life burns out like
The ashes of a cigarette
Bright flame
To grey dust

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets harder like
A rusting bicycle wheel
Shiny joy
To dull pain

&nothing is very much fun anymore

Life gets sadder like
A tree loses its leaves
Vibrant green
To empty, dark branches

&nothing is very much fun anymore
(Will it ever be?)

Calm
Breathe
Release

Inside your head
      It's war.
Inside your heart
       It's pain.
Inside your soul
       It's death.

Outside your body?
It's calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Don't let them know
Don't let them see
A poker face
Strong and cold as a mountain

Calm
Breathe
Release

Float above
Somehow one and two
Aware and unaware
Watching...
The body stays...

Calm
(Breathe)
(Release)

Inside your head
Outside your body
It's too much to stay
Panic rising then gone
You are one but
You are two

Calm.
Breathe.
Release.

The flashing lights
A dance of your life

Spinning
Spinning
Don't stop spinning

The music thrums
Your body twirls

Around
Around
Can't stop moving

The drinks are sweet
Your mind begins to slip

Falling
Falling
Just let it slip away

The flashing lights
A dance of your life

He loves me;
      He loves me not
He is proud;
      He is angry
He hates me;
      He hates me not
He holds me;
       He hurts me
He says he's sorry
        He's really not

He loves me?
         He loves me not.

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think how humans have no roots
Nothing to hold us back, but nothing to save us
From life's trampling boots

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I wonder why they are weeds
Their only crime in life
Is to spread their lovely seeds

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think of all their trouble
We think of ways to **** them
All that should be left is ruin and rubble

A heart of stone
A girl alone

You came along,
You broke up the rock
It took time but
Slowly
It became soil

You were gentle
You were sweet
You grew a garden
It took time but
Slowly
It became flowers

You were lying
You were cruel
You left the garden
It took time but
Slowly
The flowers died

You were gone
I was lost
The garden was forgotten
It took time but
Slowly
The dirt turned to dust

A heart of dust
A lack of trust

A Shattered Family
       *A Perfect Life
A Lovely Painting
       A Deadly Knife

The words were echoing
        Echoing

Just like before

Smudged Black Lipstick
   Inhaling Black Smoke

Around and around we go

She blinked her eyes, her head unclear
When had the spinning come so near?

Black lipstick
Black smoke
A knife
A picture

A family here, a family gone
Spinning...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

She had lost her senses
Lost who she was

The world kept on spinning
When her mind suddenly stilled

My hair is crazy

It is frizzy, tangled, wild

My hair cannot be tamed
You cannot confine it

It is not glossy and smooth
Gently curled
Flowing and sweet

My hair is crazy
My hair is free

My hair is not beautiful
My hair is not calm
My hair does not fit in

My hair is crazy
And perhaps that's okay

I am not a rose

I am not delicate, I do not have thorns
I am not careful planted, tended, watered
I am not loved

I am a dandelion

I am not wanted, I do not grow where I'm told
I am random, sporadic, persistent
I am wild

I am not a rose*

I am not picked for beauty
Just to wilt
I am not chosen for love
Just to fade

I am a dandelion

I am picked to destroy me
But I will not die
I am killed to make me go away
But I will not fade

*I am not a rose
I am a dandelion

I am wild
I am free
And that is okay

You can feel it
I know you can

(You must be perfect)

It's in the pinching shoes
Tight little shorts
Heavy rings and jewelry

(You must be perfect)

It's in the noise
In the bright lights,
Warm bodies

(You must be perfect)

It's in the heat of hair
On your neck,
In tired made-up eyes

(You must be perfect)

It's in the air we breathe
Every moment we're outside

I can feel it
I know you can too

Breathe in
Breathe out

I'm drowning
I can't think
I'm all alone

Breathe in
Breathe out

It's all darkness
The light fled
I'm blind and lost

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't move
I'm so tired
Everything is too fast

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't go on
I don't want to live
I want it to stop

Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in....








Breathe out

An empty road
It's 2 am
Petal pressed to the floor
Hands off the wheel

The lights flash by

Faster
Faster
Faster

The thoughts spin around
Faster
Faster
Faster

To go or to stop?
To live or to die?

Too late now
Too fast now

The lights are a blur, her mind is numb

Spinning
Spinning
Spinning

Out of control
Pain hits, the car starts to crunch

Louder
Louder
Louder

And suddenly:
Silence



Tears are shed but she is gone
Is this peace or is this pain?

Now we are spinning  too

I hold it in my palm
So fragile
So weak

I watch it, and think,
To crush it?
Or care for it?

A little glass ball
So transparent
Yet opaque

It's so easy to forget
Its true size
Its true power

So I stare at this little thing
And think
So numb

Would I feel anything?
To crush this
Small thing?

How would the shards fly?
Who would they cut?
Who would they miss?

Would this little glass thing,
So mysterious
So fragile
So powerful
So sharp
So overwhelming

Would it ever be missed?

You said 'I love you'
And I said it too

You said you'd never leave
You'll always help me breathe

You said I made you happy
Even though that seems a bit sappy

But you see:

I know that love is not real

I know that forever never lasts

And I know that happiness is a lie

And oh god,
*It's gonna hurt when you're gone

Hope:
The biggest killer of them all

It will lift you up high
To send you crashing to the ground

Hope:
The most painful gift around

It will keep you alive
Just to torture you longer

Hope:
Heartbreak disguised as joy

It will let you feel whole
Just to shatter you more

Hope:
The biggest killer of them all

*It will give you love
Then watch you drown

Fall little snowflakes, fall
Drift gentle toward the earth
Melt on small noses
Be the cause of big smiles

Fall little snowflakes, fall
Plummet cold and fragile
Turn those noses red
Be the cause of cold arms

Fall little snowflakes, fall
Crash into the cold hard ground
The people will hate you
Be crushed by heavy boots

Fall little snowflakes, fall
You think you're beautiful now
But people will hurt you
Be killed by their words

Fall little snowflakes, fall
You'll soon be killed by this terrible world

No I am not dead
I attempted suicide but unfortunately failed. I was in the hospital and therefore was unable to log onto this account. I am truly sorry if I worried anybody. Thank you all for the kind messages

~Nicole

I may have held the gun
But I didn't pull the trigger

I may have tied the rope
But I didn't pull it tighter

I may have grasped the knife
But I didn't slice my flesh

I may have wanted to die
But it was you who did the killing

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

No one wants a cutter

Run, run
As fast as you can
One look at my scars
And everyone will leave

No one wants a cutter

Watch me bleed
And walk away
You said you care
But I know you lied

No one wants a cutter

See my tears
You'll just leave
Because no one ever cares
And no one ever stays

No one wants a cutter

I'll slit my wrists
You won't shed a tear
You'll smile in relief
That burden is gone

*No one wants a cutter

Where I used to see bright white snow
And playful afternoons
I now see everything dying
And cold dark days

Where I used to see beautiful colors
And big joyful leaf piles
I now see more chores
And death surrounding me

Where I used to see bright happy days
And hours in the sun
I now see stressful times
And sunburns

Where I used to see new life
And hope all around
I now see the world being happy
While I sit here alone

Where I used to be happy
I now sit and cry

My mom can't figure out why all the knives are getting dull

A locked door
A rusty razor
A towel stained with red

A folded note
A broken mirror
A young girl lies there dead

Their emotions tangle
And the room begins to swirl
She was mommy's perfect angel
And daddy's little girl

Imagine seeing someone you thought cared
And on Halloween knocking on their door
And saying trick or treat
Then watching them smile
Then say, "close your eyes"
You trust them
And close your eyes

But when you open them
There is no one there
Only a note that says
Trick
I never truly cared

Imagine that hopelessness
Imagine that feeling of despair

Now multiply that feeling by 1000
And you'll be close to how I feel
*Every **** day

I feel like I'm drowning
But I can see others breathing

And somehow
That's my fault

It's like if I could just learn to be normal
Everything would be okay

And back to the drowning thing;
It's like I'm just inches from the surface
But I don't have the energy to reach it

But I also feel like I'm burning
And freezing
All at once

I know that makes no sense,
But it's like being so cold,
Your insides are on fire

I feel like I'll never be enough
Like everything is pointless
And I have no energy
But I can't sleep at night

Like,
I haven't been posting
On this site
Because I couldn't find the strength
But now I'm posting
In a last attempt to hold on

And it feels like being sick
Like, you know you're going to die
And you know it will be soon
You just don't know when

And it's pointless
I'm pointless
Life is pointless
Everthing is pointless

And I don't know what to do

I'm dying,
Please,
Someone help me...

This is how I feel
I don't know what it is
But this is how I feel

(I'm so sorry)

If I said
"I want to **** myself"
You'd probably laugh
Walk away
And label me as overdramatic

But if I actually killed myself
You'd probably cry
And pretend to be sad
And say
"I wish I could've done something to help"
You'd say
"If only she'd let me in"

Well, I tried
Did you not hear my cry for help?
Yet you still ignored me
And you wonder why I want to leave?

I was always warned
About the monsters below the bed
But no one ever told me
About the demons in my head

I used to always run
From the creatures in the night
But the true evils I can't run from
For it's my mind I have to fight

I thought the monsters were real
And they scared me, so I'd hide
But now I know, the evils I can't see
Are a much much bigger deal

I can't decide which is worse

Nightmares
Where they're so real
And terrible
That you wake up sobbing
In the middle of the night

Or

Dreams
Where they're so real
And wonderful
That when you wake up
And realize none of it was real
You feel the temporary joy
Drain out of you
And cry hopeless tears

If you get a cold,
Everyone is concerned
They ask if you're okay
Is there anything they can do?

If you are literally dying
From the emptiness inside you
No one cares
"...But you look healthy..."

At 8 I started hating myself

At 10 I gave myself bruises

At 11 I quit eating

At 12 I wanted to die

At 13 I tried to **** myself

At 14 I cut myself

At 15 gave up

By 16 I'm long gone

SMILE
Like the world isn't collapsing around you

LAUGH
Like you aren't dying inside

GIGGLE
Like you don't have a care in the world

BEAM
Like the happy person you aren't

CHUCKLE
Like your life actually makes sense

GRIN
Like everything will be okay

LIE
Like you do every day

And no one will suspect

It feels like I'm dying
Like I'm being burned alive
From the inside out

I feel hopeless
Helpless

And as I burn,
I scream
And I cry
But no one ever sees

And I feel myself dying
And I try to want to live
But I can't
I can't

Not when I'm burning inside
And then my thoughts take over
Every little thing is huge

The fire burns hotter

I'm starting to melt
I can't breathe
I'm dying

My vision is gone
Sound is fading
Everything is...
Gone

I'm dying inside