i pray
you see me
in your dreams

you like holding my hand tight and carrying my mess of pretend because i don't breathe in or out for too long and i love you the [only] way i know how - like the idea that we are made for each other can take us past tonight

come quickly
come softly
please be gentle with me
this will be my first snowfall
away from home
so Winter
please be gentle with me

i live
for messages strangers leave
on sidewalks
bridges
trees
i love
hearts carved into wood
names and dates
that may no longer mean anything

we leave a little piece of our souls
everywhere we go

baby it's cold outside
i can't sleep at night
having all these nightmares
about mid-July
baby it's cold outside
the wind is sharp and it hurts
more than my skin
it taunts my heart beating in my chest
"everything won't be worth it"
baby it's cold outside
and nobody else seems to feel
the ice like rain
falling from the sky
no one else seems bothered
about mid-July
baby it's cold outside
the sun left my soul
too long ago
baby it's cold outside
and i'm losing home

my journal was dedicated to you
a proclamation of
how i adored your smile
how your touch set me on fire
how every minute spent together left me craving
more and more and more of you
rushed scribbles
describing how your eyes searched my soul
and left me wanting nothing more than a look at yours
filled every empty space
my ink bled your praises
line upon line quote the love you claimed
pages were filled with promises you made in a drunken state
my journal was a tribute to you
a celebration of you
a monument
to you
and yours didn't even mention my name

green lights in rear view mirrors
almost signs flashing
behind her eyes

the tips of my fingers bleed
sore feet crack beneath me
there is no one holding on

iron trees
everything you love so dearly
the tips of my fingers bleed out

i am hurting
and there is no one holding on

the leaves fall
and the trees groan
with the wind
and God is in each of us

we breathe
and bees circle; crowning our heads
the let us be -
they can feel us breathe
(they know we are just learning)

we fly
over the sound of our mother's cries
we soar
over the quiet echo of our father's worries
(we are above)
and God is in each of us

we breathe
and we are not afraid
no,
we are not afraid

i let my hair down
and my tired with it
if you listen you can hear
(the rest of the world is letting go too)

i. smile. smile like you are dying, breathing your last breath, like the irony of your pathetic life is the funniest thing in the whole **** world. smile like you're crazy, like you're on a high that doesn't end, a high that you almost wish would. smile like you love the hurt.

ii. put your hands anywhere but your face. wave them in the air, touch another person's skin, run them through your hair. throw your shoulders back, open your mouth and don't you dare wipe your eyes. don't touch the spot on your forehead, don't rub your nose; pretend you are confident in yourself, for once.

iii. walk like you aren't bleeding. walk like there is no glass beneath you, like the knife in your back is a flower blooming. walk like you are moving mountains, like you are causing earthquakes and hurricanes. walk like you are more than something.

(two girls are apart and they are doing the best they can)

he tries to run away but he is losing everything
and hey says, he says he doesn't mind but
his eyes can't lie and they are screaming

h e l p  m e

she builds a box from the ground up and they talk about it
for weeks because oh my
how pretty
what beauty

the door disappears when she locks herself in
and only when they notice
there are no windows
do they ask

was it lovely at all
if it had no light

a gray fury moves, racing beneath a solid blue sky; the purest white is pasted against the endless sea above us, and it is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

a mess of foreboding destruction passes, racing beneath a perfect painting, and it is every piece together; the gray and blue combining, the meeting of dark and light, the rain and sun mingling, that makes me want to cry.

will we be this beautiful when we collide?

i know a girl who defines herself by the neighborhood she grew up in.
i know a girl who chose her name based on what her demons call her.
i know a girl who takes pre-printed name tags from men, who don't know the difference between yes and no, and covers her whole body with them.

hello my name is
hello my name is

i know a boy who lets the big ugly word written across his forehead carry him.
i know a boy being strangled by a life that isn't his; he forces himself to call it home.
i know a boy whose heart got thrown on the floor. instead of picking it up he took the pieces and spelled out his lover's name; he froze his own blood and walked away.

she's singing along
like it's her religion
starts saying your name like it's a prayer
and you're her savior
she's dancing
like she's confessing sins
falling to her knees
whispering
*baby, i need saving

i made a list of all the Places You Should Kiss Me and then i knelt beside my bed and prayed for God to send me somebody.

i made a list of all the Places You Should Kiss Me and then fell asleep, i dreamt of a stranger leaving me.
i made a list of all the Places We Should Go and the Things We Should Do and then fell asleep to white noise, a blank screen played out in front of me.
i made a list of all the Things I Should Tell You and thought about calling you. i fell asleep with my phone in my hand, i dreamt of you falling in love with someone else.

i woke up and realized i hadn’t fallen asleep, i checked my phone and remembered that You Never Loved Me.

i'm obsessed with light lately
it's not that much of a surprise
i was in love with you, wasn't i?

you love me with a gun to my head
and i think
at least you are loving me

i don't scar easy
a clean line down my arm -
watch me bleed out

you love me while holding the stained knife
and i think
at least you are loving me

i. recite their name like it's your favorite poem, sing it like it's your favorite song. let it roll off your tongue and onto your bed; immerse yourself in their entire being until you know the rhythm of their heart better than your own.

ii. how your heart feels when you look at the night sky. how your heart feels when you're dancing alone, how your heart feels when you are Okay, when you are Safe - name that feeling after them.

iii. memorize the color of their eyes. memorize that color and then give in to the knot that forms in your stomach, the wave that comes over you, when you see it. give in to it - every time. soak in it, sink into it. hold your breath.

iv. lean into their touch. tattoo their fingerprints on your skin. let their love, their hurt - every single piece of them - stain you.

v. grow with them. plant yourself beside them and mimic the way they turn towards the sun. become entangled in them; and don't flinch, don't flinch when they get tangled in you. wait for the day when you can't tell which roots are yours.

vi. wait until the day when you don't remember the pain. wait until you have forgotten what it means to be alone.