I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

When did I finally
Give in at the mercy
of conflict?

I just don't uncerstand
When I quit reaching
For something more

To grasp the things
That remain unseen
Untold

I once was a dreamer;
Who's feet never touched
The ground

Now I lie face first
In the dirt
And cannot see
What life is worth

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

I only remember
Emptiness snaking up my spine
Now I can't help but to feel
A massive void in my life

And the thing that
Kills me most
Is that I don't know
Why

There is a recognizable strength in numbers
When two or more band together for one cause, miracles therein lie
There is closure in groups
A safe heaven in the support and care of others of whom you can rely on
There is a passion in numbers
Of which this world cannot recognize a relationship between you and I and it gives such strength without compromise

So why do I want to be alone?

Love is
Fair
Love is
Kind
Love is
Accepting
Love is
Blind
Love is
Forgiving
Love is
Making time
Love is
Selfless
And never is
Selfish
Love is
Given
Cannot be aquired
Love is
The things your
Heart truly desires
Love is
Protection

Love is here

My body
Trembles
And my chest starts to ache
I don't know what to do
Or know what it will take
To break this cycle
To shake this pain
As the days slip me by
They feel a waste
Like I'm running in circles
And cannot find my way
My life is progressing
Yet something is missing
Inside of me
Something just doesn't
Feel right to me
I can't pinpoint this feeling I have
But I suffer the silence
As I slowly lose my head
I wish I could cry
To release the pressure inside me
To remove this emptiness that binds me
But I always end up
In the same dark place
Forever trying to find my way

I am plagued with dreams
Of your face
Every night
I close my eyes
Knowing I'll see you again

I want to stay
And know it's true
But in reality you're dead
You're never coming back

I called you my friend
And I, yours
We spent so much time together
Playing guitar
Walking to the park
Going to church
Getting into trouble at school
Joking
Singing
Laughing

But never again
I will never see you again
I just want you back
I want to see you
Not in my dreams
I want reality to be
What it used to be

I'm left here alive
And you died of disease
You were so young
You were only 19

Never did I realize
How selfish
Death could be
Until I was a third year
In high school
Death was once
My only wish
To kiss this life goodbye
And erase all the pain
When all I'd be doing
Was giving the world
My shame

My cousin Ben
Had a wife
It was only the two of them
They were young
And had no children
But they fought
And they fought
Ben felt he was to blame
He didn't feel that
Counseling would take
Her pain away

In Ben's mind
It was all his fault
He felt that he was
The problem
The guilt weighed on him
He wanted to see
Her smile at him again

She came home
To find a note on the door
It read
In shaken words
"Please don't come in
Don't open that door"
But those very words
She decided to ignore

There he lie
On the floor
His brains on the wall
And a gun
That'd fell from his hands
She was now a widow
At such a young age
And yet, sense then
Her life has never
Been the same

Ben took his life
To give her hope
He felt that leaving
Would free her of his burden
She never felt that way at all

Death can be
A selfish thing
To take your pain away
For an eternity
But the ones who are left
Carry that weight
To the point
Where they feel
They're the ones to blame

Something Ben
Didn't see
Was how they would have
Made it through
What Ben never saw again
Was that smile
He'd tried so hard to protect
Cheated himself
From a life
Forever married
To a beautiful wife

And now she sits at home
All alone
Wishing she'd done something
That seemed right

Falling faster Everytime
Slowly slipping through the lines
Screams are slicing thought the night
Hitting harder by each impact
My ears start to bleed from the sound
Uselessly trembling
Mindlessly murmuring words that dont make sense
Rocking back and forth
This seems to comfort me
When Im lost within insanity

Innocence
It's nothing but illusion
Betrayal
Is all I've ever known
The pain subsides
Yet is ever-changing as the tide
It pulses and it dies down

Destruction
Is the product of these two hands
Loneliness
Is what always happens in the end
Nothing Alive
To stay and abide
The disappointment seems so unreal

Numb
From the trials I face
Bitter
From the illusions I make
Never would I feel again
Never would I let you in
To protect myself
From the same fate
Relived once more

I try
With all my might
To feel something
Because that's what you
Want of me

All my life
I've shut out my feelings
On not just you
But everything

You take it in
Offense, because
To you
I doesn't make sense
For that, I can understand
Why you want me to feel
But it's not who I am

I've never felt happy
Never felt sad
And though I can cry
Are these actual tears
That I shed?

I try as hard as I can
To feel anything
But it's not a switch
In the back of my brain
It's not easy
To feel love or pain

Why can't you see
I'm just an empty shell?
Why won't you accept
That I can't be anything else?

Sometimes, I would drive by your house
And my hopes would rise
Because I wanted to see you so bad
But then I realized...
You're dead
You're not home, in fact, you're very far
I will never get to be exactly where you are

I laughed in the bitterness of reality
Through tears, I realized just how cruel it can be
Every fiber in my being yearns for you
Wants to hear your voice
And seek your advice

If that's not enough to **** me inside, this one fact has killed me twice
You will never see my wedding or my kids
I wanted you to be apart of everything
After all you did...

I want to see your smile again
I want to feel your embrace
Although you're gone, somehow
I can feel you Deep within
Comforting me when I cry

Guiding me through my life

I was always told
I have wisdom
That surpasses my years

But then I thought
Is it worth it?
Because wisdom is gained
By life experience
And pain

Is my knowledge
Worth the hurt?
Is it worth
The things I've come out of?

Do I regret
The things I've said?
The things I've done?
The answer is yes

But it's the mistakes
That make me
If it weren't for
My mistakes
I wouldn't be who I am
Today

So yes
It's worth it
Yes
It's worth all of the tears
The ones I've lost
The struggles through the years

In my heart
I believe
Everything happens
for a reason

And that reason is me

These past few weeks
Have drained at my life
Two friends in twelve days
Tragically died
I finally chose
To go to college
I have no financial help
Because the aid never acknowledged
That my dad is being sued
By my mom who is poor
He cannot help me at all
Because he is planning his wedding
So I'm all alone
To sit here
Suffocating
I'm here all alone
Feeling the raw pain
And it's nauseating
So I struggle and try
To scrape through my life
As the world around me
Decays and dies
I have no hope
And I've never felt so alone
As a child
I was pushed into the world
To grow up too fast
And struggle to stand
My knees are weak and shaking
But here I am

Directly in sight
I can see you again
Three whole years
Have come and went
I never thought
We would speak again
Despite how badly
I've missed you, my friend

Our lives have changed
We're all grown up
But when I talk with you
Not a moment has passed
We're still the same
Rebellious kids we were
Back in the day

I love you
I've missed you
Won't you call me your friend?
I feel more complete
With your arms around me
As you carry me
Through each hard time

You were the one I relied on
I've cried upon your shoulders
We've laughed together
Cried together
Went through life together
Until life took us apart

Welcome back
Into my life
It's good to see you
Once again
I've missed your face
Longed for your words
I've missed you
My good friend

It's just another sunrise

Just another lonely day

Just another lonely day

Just another silent way

To tell you that I'm trying

It's just another sunrise

Another surprise

Just because I didn't say goodbye

Just another lie

To tell you I'm alright

It's just another sunrise

Like any other

But last night was

Harder than the others

I stressed, little-too long

Took things a little too far

But I woke up to the sunrise

And knew that I am strong

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

A light of hope
For the hopeless
A shred of humility
For the proud
A simple act of kindness
To everyone around
A moment of silence
For the fallen
A lifetime of happiness
For all the small things
What will it take
To truly see?
A world that is failing
Tearing apart at the seams
It takes a world to fall
But one person to stand
Or to bend at the knee
And no one realizes
Most of the problems
Are all in our heads

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

A lot of my problems
Lie deep down
They're nearly impossible to find

My value of life
For the time I nearly died
Disembodied by a train
I was merely seconds away

My fear of people
Reflects each time I was
Burned in my life
And I quickly learned
That one can only trust themselves
And people let you down

My numbness
Like a void
From all the tragedy I've faced
Losing the man I loved at 15
And all the abuse

My love for the darkness
Came over like a sickness
For, colors, make me burn
Reminds me of all the funerals
All the dead loved ones

I reflect upon everything
And wonder why
I am a warped human inside

The youngest child
Is normally spoiled
Coddled and sheltered
Until it's been taken too far

Not me
I've been walked on
Looked through
I've been abused
And no one did one **** thing

I could never do
What I want
Not even one innocent thing

I could never
Do what my brother does
Because I'm a girl
And he isn't me
He is free

I walked my life
All alone
My mother loved
Her precious phone
Above me

Playing on Facebook
Ignoring me
For hours
If I spoke to her
She wouldn't acknowledge me

My father
He's unfair
Even if he tries to be fair
I'm always left out
Abandoned

I'm the child, unwanted

I wish

For once

They could see me

Or maybe

For once

They would believe me

But I'm just here
Breathing borrowed air
Wasting away
In the frozen atmosphere

My body is failing me
And each time I stand,
I feel like falling
My body is growing weak
Every day that I live
It seems like I'm dying
But I have so much left to give

Sometimes I wonder
if someday I'll collapse
Wither away into nothing
Because I'd have no strength left

Perhaps, I could be better
If I had the money
To help myself
But sense I don't
I'll just suffer in the silence
Only to cry when I'm alone

I just want to make you smile
Again.

I can feel you drifting slowly along with the current
Further away from where I wait for you

I don't feel my mind is steady
I am restless and I know it isn't you, but me who is slipping away
Vanishing.

I can not break free from this hypnosis
In so deeply, that I'm entranced by the very existence
And all I have in my mind is the memories of my life, as it is my life that evades me
I see the very image of what I've become
A picture, looking through the glass
My reflection.

But the one staring back at me was unfamiliar. It's eyes were shadowed with evil- It's face, a twisted smile

Can't you hear me calling for you?
My voice, echoes into an abyss

Don't you see how rapidly I fall?

You were supposed to save me

At this point in my life
I am frightened

I've been out of work
For two months
Because my strength
Just doesn't add up

These attacks that I have;
I could have at any time
So what if I am alone
When the episode hits?
I'll be alone to endure it

I fear going back tomorrow
Because it's been so long
And the progress I've made
Has been so small
But at least I am climbing
That mountain
And not rolling out of control
Towards the bottom

I go to sleep tonight
And I am scared of my future
Or if I will ever truly be able
To lead a normal life

This isn't my choice
But more as a curse
One that sends me to a specialist
One that can and probably will
Hospitalize me

I'm afraid
But I'm going to be strong
I will go back tomorrow
And give it my all
And if I should fail
If I should fall
At least I'll know
It couldn't have been helped

My mind
Searches for reasons why
I should care or be here at all

My soul
It yearns for something more
Something yet to come
Or something in the past
That has been taken from my

My heart
Aches and grows tired of beating
After every breath I take

My body
Has grown weary
From all the abuse
I give to myself from day to day

My skin
I wear it so well
But I want to get out of it
Because it's uncomfortable as hell

My eyes
Try to look towards a better life
But then I get snapped back
To where I started and I struggle to climb

Hell if I know
Where life is going to take me
I don't really want to know
What lies on store for me
Anyways

This life is a cycle
As are the problems
They are born
They age
They due
And reincarnate
To grow another day

I won't let things bother me
That have happened in my past
I don't care what happens to me now
And I especially don't care
What hasn't happened yet

I've been so far off
So shaken and distant
And I never understood why...

I just can't feel comfortable
Where I am
But I know it'll be good for me
In the end
Then why do I feel so uncomfortable
In my own skin?
Why do I feel so empty?

That's when I realized
This is not where I want to be
Because it's not where my family is
The one I have died off years ago
But the ones who took me in
Resurrected me

When dad said
"When are you coming
To live with us again?"
I nearly fell apart
I yearn to be where I feel I belong
And I guess I've found that place

But now I'm nearly trapped
Miles away with no escape
All I want is to be home
With the only real family
I've ever really known