i don't sleep well anymore
in this endless cold by the shore
anxiety's tides never recede
inside they churn and impede
a weary vessel battered and worn
with each crashing wave i'm torn
exhaustion a relentless force
draining wearing me off course
in the depths of despair i roam
haunted by shadows never alone
every step heavier than before
beneath the weight of depression's core
my bones ache with fatigue's embrace
as i stumble through this desolate space
sleep offers no respite no solace found
in this relentless storm i'm bound
i long to rest to find reprieve
but the darkness within won't leave
so i drift lost in this endless night
consumed by the absence of light
no sleep can mend this weary soul
trapped in a cycle beyond control
exhausted overwhelmed i endure
in the grip of depression's allure

I'm sitting here trying to write how I feel and yet I cannot find the words or letters that speak in the right order,

I talked with a friend who said that I was growing, but I had to be honest and tell him that what I was feeling was not growth, but a rearrangement of myself; so the holes don't show what I have lost...

We don't grow; we just change and get smaller,

Or maybe that's just me,

I feel like I've become so small that I cannot even lift the blankets off of me when I wake up;

I was wild with love in my youth, but as I age and my body rejects me like my mind rejected my heart, I have to confess; I didn't have a clue how to love someone, and I still don't;

I do know I'm scared of it, though,

Scared of love,

Because I gave those parts of me away for a reason, the ones I so desperately rearrange to keep hidden;

And if someone else tried to fill those hollow parts of my heart, I know,

They would never really feel at home.

I'm a lighthouse
I guide so many
And keep them
From battering
Against the rocks

But they also know to stay away
From me

They should
Stay away from me

I'll burn them down
I'll break their hearts
I'll rip their spirit
I'll drown them

So let this light guide you
But don't dare come ashore
This keeper is a hermit

Maybe it will be nice
To cross my legs and sit at the water's edge
Breathe in... Breathe out
Let the water surrounded me
Surrender myself to the rising tide
And let all the thoughts I have of you
All the feelings swirling in my heart
Wash away in the force of the ocean
Every sea creature mourn with me
And my ghost seen on the full moon
Legendary broken heart foretold
For all generations

My sister, my sister! How I love you so!
A beautiful woman, with a vibrant soul!
Worth a thousand words, and ten thousand more!
My sister, my sister! How I love you so!

You've given me hope and inspired me,
Gave me confidence to come out of my shell,
Show the world the ugly side of me,
Gave me comfort in knowing you didn't judge me.

I get sad when you're sad, and I hug you when I can,
I want what's best for you, for you to be happy.
You're my adoptive big sister, so here's a happy birthday!
From you're adoptive young brother, Jack Jenkins!

<3

Can't fall asleep when you want,
Then drop off without a warning.

Push your closest friends away from you,
When you're trying to stay as close as possible.

Have a heart torn asunder,
Give up on your hopes.

All alone, abandoned and discarded,
Forgetting how poisonous I can be.

Enchanted by the calmness and healing I recieve from belonging to you.
I'm overbearing. I'm too affectionate. I care about things too much for my own
good and I constantly struggle with thoughts of being excluded or abandoned.
My friends who care about me despite all my flaws will never understand how
much they will always mean to me.

He had given her his
Everything
And it killed him
Requiem
This is how love kills

A strong crushing feeling on the edge of existence
  Investigating a never-ending black tunnel
A crypt of hopeless souls forever seeking shelter
  Without a lamp to guide their fruitlessness
I see the ghastly faces set upon every person still
  Cold, pale and downtrodden with weight
Devoid of any glow to indicate they are alive
  They are obscure and discarded remains
Theirs is a cell of forgetfulness and tragic pain
  Forever feeling along the walls of torment

Why is it a constant thing
When something works fine
It gets changed?

Take my silence one step too far
Take my violence and tear me apart
Your words are the cure I need
Your love is where my heart will feed

Indiscriminate demons fill my head
They try to tie my to my bed

The flame in my heart
                              is a smoulder
The only blame falls
                            on my shoulders

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

I'm pushing back the battle lines
Trying to capture all the lost time
This is just a forlorn endeavor
Forever severed whenever I fall

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

The flame
is a smoulder
The blame
on my shoulders
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I DON'T SURRENDER

Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
I don't surrender
Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
*I don't surrender

The feather pen lifted from the page and, finally, he had written his last. He wanted no thunderous applause or any awards of gold and gems. Neither did he desire to be immortalized in the pages of history for countless generations. Overwhelming admiration is, well, just that: overwhelming. As his works were printed and sold all throughout the land for lords and dukes and earls and even the king himself he knew what he had to do.

He sat up from his creaky chair and gave his work one long lasting gaze before shuffling to the main entrance.
Donning a large coat, scarf, hat and walking stick he picked up the sack he packed throughout the week and slung it over his shoulder. He gave a sad look over his home before passing through the doorway and onwards to the highway.

They say he can still be found if you follow the tears he shed along that road...

Do you know that my heart is with another woman?
As I lay here holding you tight against me, my body is yours.
But can you feel this heart call out for her? Someone who isn't you?
Did you feel me as we made love, reach out for her? Cry for her?
It's her I see when I'm with you. And I don't know how that makes me feel.
You think I love you, but I'm just playing your heart like Beethoven under a moonlit night sky, playing a sonata...

Do you feel that? That warm tear that fell from my eye onto your cheek? Could you possibly know it's for her?
When I tremble alone at night, howling at the moon... yearning for the smell of her breath, the taste of her skin... her...

I barely know you, you're just pretty to me. Not as pretty as her.
Your hair is too long, too dark, too straight, too perfect.
Your eyes foster no depth to them; shallow and lifeless, a void. Hers are like diamonds reflecting a blue moon of a summer night.
Everything about you is wrong, compared to her. Your voice, your arms, your mouth, your heart... you aren't her.

But here I am with you, holding your hand.
There she is, sleeping alone.
Life is cruel.

You broke every dream I ever had.
All I ever wanted was you, my love...
All I ever wanted was you.
I'm happy that you're happy, I hope you'll stay happy.
But for my sake, my love...
For my sake I must say goodbye to you.

Nobody has torn me the way you have, straight to my core. Ripping and shredding every part of me that makes me, well, me.
You hurt me; I still kept loving you.
And it slowly killed me, until today.
So here I am, saying goodbye.
Goodbye...
**Goodbye

Waking up, he lets his eyes adjust to the blinding morning sun. Seeing the strange beige walls and red drapes he was confused at first; the redhead in his arms reminds him that he was out last night.
Carefully unlocking himself from her torso and arms, Jack sneakily slipped from beneath the covers unnoticed, as she simply turned over, showing her rather cute face.
What a nice little button nose, and that mouth with those, soft, tender, pink lips...
He should've been looking where he was walking, rather than admiring the sleeping beauty, because he slipped on last night's used ****** and crashed to the floor. Gross! And he bruised his hip. Insult and injury! And that definitely woke her up. So much for a silent exit...

Jumping from the crash, Savannah sits up immediately and let's out a quick, ear-bleeding yelp of surprise at the man scrambling up off the floor. Seeing his face, she lets out a sigh of relief. "JACK! Don't scare me!" She throws off the covers from her, revealing her small ******* and straight shaped body. She picks up and tosses Jack's pants across the floor, winking at him and mouthing the words, "don't go", as she walks to her closet to get fresh clothes. "I'll be taking a shower before I make breakfast." She turns and looks at Jack, grinning, "Feel free to join, if you want. Oh, and, no ******. I'd hate for you to fall down." she teasingly says as she gives a seductive look behind her, and a soft rub on her rear...

"Yeah, I'll be there in a second." I walk over to pick up my pants, and other clothes strewn about. I'm not feeling it, right now. I really enjoyed how this girl loved last night. Very attractive and skilled. But I'm not going to stick around for seconds. I have a sick feeling in my gut and it's like my heart is shattering. I grab up my phone and keys and step into the hall and sneak down the stairs, keeping an eye out for used condoms. I hear, barely, her asking if I was coming in yet. I stop, and let out a sigh. I step up the stairs, then stop... I turn around and write a note on the refrigerator door. I head out, eyes in tears for reasons unknown to me and I drive home...

*I'm tired of just ***.
I'm not that kind of man, anymore.
You were a great one night stand.
Sorry

Hiding who he is, he doesn't want shame
So he plays his part in the game
Dating the same girl for five years
She has no idea she's his beard

Yes, it's men he loves
Especially the straight ones
There's something they have
The gay half doesn't have

But he's alone right now
With the woman he "loves"
Laying in bed, wishing he was dead
Every time they have ***, he's misled

Some day, he might come clean
Tell the world he's really a queen
But until then, he'll just lie
Just like he lies next to her.

in our folly we embrace a fatal flaw
to believe in death as if it's what we await
yet most of death has claimed its silent draw
each fleeting moment by its grip sedate
forever young I gaze upon the night
dreaming of hands that'll touch the world's span
i dream to touch the world though flames blast
for in that touch true life i shall perceive
anger emptiness loneliness deceit
in each of us fear builds its museum vast
yet in the end we're atoms in retreat
seeking solace clinging to the past
for me no greater yearning could there be
than to gather wounds each scar a tale
in misery a strange form of ecstasy
wherein lies my joy amidst sorrow's veil
the world's end holds no sway over my mind
for each dawn births anew its tender light
alone i whisper to the void resigned
in search of solace in this endless night

Why can I not give up?
I have nothing left here.
I fight on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...

I never have anything left, but always enough to keep going
Of hope I am bereft, my direction is unknowing.

Stepping down the stairs of time
Every minute I can't rewind
Looking through the glass of existence
All I see is my persistence

Not a guarantee that all will be well
I may have to rush a gauntlet in hell
But I will press on, because that's all I know
My life was meant to live, and I want it to glow.

I want you in this embrace
You're all I think about
Hold me tight, hold me right
I want to fall asleep with you tonight
No more empty bed for us
Arms around your waist
Feeling you breathe in my arms
I want you in this embrace
Hold me right, hold me tight
Let's fall asleep tonight.

And there is the sound I dread to hear:
    Losing the thing I never found.
Seeing love fade to ashes and pebbles,
    Swallowed by a cave, forlorn.
Oh! To never see another sunrise!
    To be at peace with myself.

All of my whimpering cries be ******,
    Turned to a glassy silence, fogged over...

We wouldn't light up our passions
And make love til sunrise
We wouldn't explore our bodies
And pleasure each other to new highs
I would just hold you
We would just be
Hollow together

here, the air is too heavy
i wake with mountains draped in dawn
whispers of beauty painting the sky
but my heart is a storm, always gray
i used to call this place a sanctuary
each street familiar, like an old friend
but now they cut me
memories woven into every corner
reminders of what i cant escape
how cruel it is
to live in a place so beautiful
and feel nothing but ache
the pull of the horizon calling me away
i used to belong here
now its just a ghost of what i loved
and im trapped in its shadows
the mountains stand tall, but i cant
the streets are hollow now
everyone i once held close
has drifted away, like leaves in the wind
and im left behind, drowning
in the stillness of this empty goldfish bowl
limited, transparent, suffocating
the streams still run wild
the rivers still sing their ancient songs
and the rain still dances on my skin
but these things can’t heal the wound anymore
even the mountains, standing proud
feel like prison walls instead of promises
its a beautiful cancer
spreading through my veins
reminding me of everything i loved
but no longer can hold
i love it here
i hate it here
and i think, maybe
its time to let go

Do you give the horse his might?
    Do you clothe his neck with a mane?
Do you make him leap like the locust?
    His majestic snorting is terrifying.
He paws in the valley and exults in his strength;
    he goes out to meet the weapons.
He laughs at fear and is not dismayed;
    he does not turn back from the sword.
Upon him rattle the quiver,
    the flashing spear, and the javelin.
With fierceness and rage he swallows the ground;
    he cannot stand still at the sound of the trumpet.
When the trumpet sounds, he says ‘Aha!’
    He smells the battle from afar,
    the thunder of the captains, and the shouting.

"How do you know you love me?"*

For a moment, a lone moment in time you loved me.
Close your eyes and don't pay any attention to what you see,
Images and dancing dots are not what to look for, my love.
Close your eyes and feel my voice in your mind,
Softly trickling down to where you don't want me to see;
It's okay.
Trust not in the pain you are feeling, but in the words that are healing.
You have seen my heart reflected through my words, through my actions.
You know I won't recoil and flee from you, my love.
It's okay.
Keep your eyes closed and focus on the warmth of my hand.
Feel as I draw hearts across your knuckles and breathe.
The air is crisp and sweet; keep your eyes closed, my love.
Open the gates of your heart and peer into the portal.
Peer into the portal and see that moment in time.
It's okay; open your eyes, my love.

Do you see how I love you, now?

You've moved on
You're living life
I'm still counting days
Since my heart died

the pain
the numbness
the subtle suffering

I've lost track
How many days?
I know you're gone
Never coming back

the lonesome tears
the fragrance you left on my heart
the empty beds

Just know I miss you
My wish upon stars
Sparkle of gold
Killer of my heart

*the shock of loss
the bitterness of loss
why did I lose you?

There's a lot left to say;
Not a lot of time to say.
I'll be dead before I'm 30,
And I wish I could stay.

I have given you all of my heart,
For I have loved you from the start.
Your eyes look through my soul,
You see your name on my heart.

I don't know when, where, or why.
I know one day we'll be together.
I don't know how long, but I'm sorry
That you'll have to live with losing me.

Breakfast...
Breakfast without you,
Like trying to eat ash from cigarettes,
Like chewing the food and then spitting it out.

Springtime...
Springtime without you,
Seeing all the animals in pairs,
Sadly reminds me you're not by my side.

Television...
Television without you,
It is not entertaining at all,
It is pointless without you snuggled into me.

Bedtime...
Bedtime without you,
Not embraced in the lover's song,
Not holding each other and saying sweet nothings.

Words...
Words without you,
Entirely meaningless and hollow
Entirely without purpose, impact, softness, or point.

Poetry...
Poetry without you,
Enters a somber grave deep within,
Enters a rest from which it will eternally slumber.

Because I,
Am without,
You.

You're feeling every brick
of your house falling down
each thud you shudder and
shake because you're scared
of all the elements you're
going to be exposed to now
that everything is collapsed.

Hold onto what you believe
you're not a bad person at all
I promise you're going to live
I promise I'm here to hold you
up through this hardship you
are going through. Embrace
the challenge and overcome.

**I believe in you.

"Baby, it's cold outside. I don't want you to go out.
Stay here with me, cuddled by the fireplace.
Encased in this red, fuzzy blanket."
I wanted to tell you that night.
Instead I simply said to you:
"Goodnight, my love. Be safe."
And you drove off into the sunset
And I never saw you again...

You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That's true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could
I don't know

I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it's not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn't want you to hear
The thing I didn't want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn't love me
So I wasn't worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I'm so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you're in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I'm okay

When the voices claw at your ears,
And the footsteps creep behind you,
Turn and see nothing is there,
Hear the silence of nobody there.

I'll hug you,
I'll hold you,
I'll protect you,
Until the very end.

If you want love...
             ...you're going to have to
    ...go through the pain...

When the waves no longer crashed against the beach
The sand was sad and missed the sea
& from the dry desert an oasis was born
Born from tears the sand had wept
The oasis gave life to the travellers thirsty and alone
Even to the animals and carnivores
Yet none could ever stay for it was not their home
Alone the oasis gave itself to the sky
To be a cloud that travels far and wide
To seek the sea he utterly missed
Leaving rain and blooming flowers in his path
A river, an ocean, but he could not find her
So he looked behind at all he created
All those he saved
He asked himself "What is it worth if I haven't her?"
& in a moment he was gone
The cloud gave himself to the scorching sun
All that remained was a rainbow
Beautiful image of passing on

What would you tell me if you knew the greatest gift you ever received, you didn't know I gave it?

What would you do if the greatest sacrifice I made for you went behind your back unnoticed?

You forgot that you told me that very important thing.

I never forgot it,
But I let it go,
So you can,
Be happy.

Maybe if you knew you'd be happier than if you didn't know.
I can't tell.
But it's not worth the price if I'm wrong.

It keeps me up late at night,
Knowing that you don't know;
You don't know what you said,
You don't know what I did for you.

Maybe one day you'll know.
There's already a letter to be opened,
Upon my death.
If I die before you,
You'll know.

And your heart will break.