Stuck in this shell.
Like a part of hell
it torments.
But at moments
it's like a calm sea
so empty.
Until a storm comes
and I'm the only one
and it goes back to hell
and I can't escape this shell.

I can't do anything during the day
it's impossible to take my mind away
all my focus is on thinking of answers
but a lack of focus of what to me matters
until the 30 minute period where I sit at the back of class
and answer the questions I ask
myself. And write how I feel
and life feels real
and not like I'm programmed
to this system I'm put through
I can break free
it's just when you're in it
it's hard to break through

When I leave this world
And go back to reality
I'm faced with the same
overwhelming wave of anxiety
too afraid for people to know me
too sacred to let people see
but everyday I go back
and everyday is the same
I have this barrier
you may know it as shame
I'm not shameful of myself
but feel shame for the ignorant-minded people
who surround me
in this shell
protecting me from being me

Who came up with the word slaughter?
did they think killing things was funny?

I can't be bothered with this
I'm writing the same ****
in every way I can think of
yet these sessions of venting
just build up my hate
and make me regret
I'm afraid to tell someone
in case they don't accept
but I need to be free
free to be me
sorry for this terrible rhyme scheme
but it's flowing free
and structure isn't working for me

I live trying to not
exhaust myself by
keeping up. But trying
not to fall behind
as that can be just as bad.
Just sticking
to the middle and
remaining there.
Average. Inbetween
the top
and the bottom.
Unseen and overlooked.

For a long time
I wanted to tell you
but I seem to miss
every opportunity
to tell you this
and every time I see
you I want to
tell you.
But I can't.

All you are is a ghost
from my past
But no matter what
you won't stop haunting me

This tremble in my hands
and the aching in my muscles
but the taste of blood in my mouth
causes me no trouble

no defending
just attack
the taste of blood
the aftermath

this fight
I probably won
but the taste of blood
lingers on

Just sat all alone
At home
With no one

With empty thoughts
Of naughts
No story plots

To be told
No thought that I hold

I can't wait for Tuesday
but don't want it to come
the confrontation on that day
will find out who was wrong

I personally don't care
who was telling the truth
This very rare
An occasion that has something to prove

Which one is the back-stabber
I have no reason to worry
Which is the one holding the dagger
who made up this ******* story

I did
but I trusted you
with it
what did you do

To let it slip
you had a grip
You helped me through ****
then you left me with it

you betrayed me
what happened to we
it ended
and you're befriended

You know yourself
You know how you've felt
I feel the same
I feel no shame
Just not confident
Because of their ignorance
And unknowingly insulting
Because of this thing
I have no control over
And can't be open
And  it's killing me
And you don't see
The arguments
Need to stop
It haunts
And'll make me drop

the I goes after you
in you and I
just grammar
telling us
there's always someone
who will matter more

I* love you
with a heart
only for you
and you don't
say it back
maybe it's 'cause
you know
the true message
of this
is only seen
by yo*u

One month
and many thousands of words
and yet.

My feelings are not 100%
and my head is messier
than I thought it could get.

but I'm happy with writing
these words for you;
some are ****
but some are good too.
And I'm happy because of
all the tallented people I've met.

The puppet master cut the strings
and left the puppets free to sin

I feel empty inside
but full with lies
told by people we are taught
their thoughts
their views
and our views
are supposedly wrong
and if in a song
these words are written
it is to society then hidden
and the message is not shared
and no one really cared

I'm digging this hole
For me to be alone
Where I can fall
I'm tired of it all

The night will surround
There will be no sound
In the darkness I drowned
No light is found

I keep my thought
Although I aught
No message is brought
It just is there to haunt

My dreams
Of screams
With light beams
And regular themes

I'm digging this hole
For me to be alone
Where I can fall
I'm tired of it all

The trees talk
the leaves walk
mountains stand
rain commands
the wind patrols
but we are the controls

Fight with words
even the swords
agree

Everyone here seems to know each other
not like a son knows his mother
but they know each other

and I'm sat looking over
hundreds of people
yet alone I feel

in an unknown city
with people wearing white
people dressed to fight

they fight with swords
but not with shields
in straight lines
is where they choose to shine

You read my work and
think it's anonymous but fail
to realise it's speaking to you

I wish I had a path to follow,
a path with trees
and green
not hollow

A summit
that I will aim to reach
a goal which I shall seek
and overcome it

a boat
so I could drift away
and return one day
and if I don't

I will find another way
maybe find myself astray
someday
I'll eventually find somewhere to stay

People say
follow your head
not your heart
but if you do
you won't get very far

You don't understand
I guess you never will
all alone I stand
but in the presence of you

you don't know the thoughts
that are running through my head
you don't know the thoughts
of when my mind is red

You don't understand
I guess you don't need too
where you stand
you're not alone
so these thoughts do not affect you

So my life's a mess
I guess
I don't even know
who are friends
Or who are foe
I'll have to make mends
so I can carry on
or soon I will be gone
I don't know what I'm doing
in this race of life, I'm loosing
slowly sinking a ship
with my name on it
loosing this battle to my mind
I just wish my mind could be kind
and I could control how I feel
and my life will no longer be a blur
but be real

You tear me down but
you're not strong enough so you
fall further than me

You cut yourself
you feel the pain
stuck in this cycle
and feel no shame

failing school
your life's a mess
and will soon
be just emptiness

smoking too much
and getting high everyday
I can't stop you
but I know what to say

you don't get help
you need too
if not for anyone
do it for you

If you're letting go
leave
you don't need me

If you're letting go
I won't stop you
not that you want me to

if you're letting go
go
You've been stuck waiting here too long

Write the words
of your heart
of your mind
of your soul
take those words you write
and tell them to all

You think I'm fine
I have nothing to hide
no cuts on my arms
'Cause I'm torn up inside

Friends
Someone you trust
someone you can talk to
someone who will accept
I no longer know if I have any
after today
I don't even know what to say
you betraying little *******
I don't know who to believe
you all tell me different stories
and all I need right now is someone to listen

Red
the colour of blood
the colour of love
If you can't see red
you can't see love
you can't see blood
you can't see the cuts
of love so deep
so you can't se the scars
that used to bleed
and you can't see the love
that runs inside of me

I run and run but
you can't catchup to me so
you fall on your knees

You died for what you thought was right
in a non violent way
you died without a fight
on the day
you tried to right
the political way
you had to write
a paper to say
the message right
but you were caught
and were executed on one February night
and you never saw the day
when they were wrong and you were right

I'm insecure
just like you
I try not to show it
but you do

I feel the pressure
if not more than you
you're innocent minded
and mine is like a zoo

I have too much control
you speak your mind
you're confident
something I'm trying to find

I understand
you don't
I have your issues
plus my own

My heart would be free
But my head holds the key

I put my thoughts in a bottle
those I don't say
but one day the bottle will be shaken
and it will explode from the pressure
I can't wait for that day

Muffled are the screams of joy

The last two days have been hard
I failed again
to tell you who I am

The third time now
I don't want this
I want to tell you

but no matter how hard I try
it's only camoflaged words
that come out of me

and you don't see the message

You said it didn't matter
you would accept me anyway
but when it came to the day
you forgot

I could tell you were uncomfortable
so I tried to hide
under a cover that killed me inside

My thoughts were intoxicated
I could not forget
it poisoned my mind

all I could think of
was not being accepted
and it destroyed my life

I gave up
I couldn't cope
I lost all hope

because the thought of my friends unacceptance killed me

I wish my life was black and white
but it's full of vibrant colours
I wish I could be open
but my feelings are bottled up
I wish I could swim
but at the moment I sink
I wish I could be free
but I'm stuck in a cage
I wish it was just me
so I didn't have to worry about what people will think
I wish life was simple
but it's beyond my understanding

There's a weight in my chest
burdening every breath
I take

a set of words
that I don't really care about
but they pollute my body

Words I can't let go
but need to be said
I need to take the risk

for the consequences I can accept
I don't need you
if you think I'm a sin

I don't need you
you don't encourage me
you burden me

just like these words
I don't care about
but I know you do

but if I let them go
I save myself
and will have to deal with freedom from you

I wake up
every morning
I sleep
every night
just a cycle
of days, months, years
caught up in the cycle
of life, of death and in between
I have no dream
just a shell
of skin, of bone and blood
I'm empty
eventually I will be full
in months, in years, in decades
maybe I will never
eventually I will be full
of false images, unrealistic hope, unreachable goals
non of which I will reach
because I there's nothing
in my head, my dreams not even nightmares
nothing, just survival
when you're caught up in a cycle
where
I wake up
every morning
I sleep
every night

yesterday
I missed a chance
I missed the chance to tell you
how I feel
so my mind can be at rest
and my life become real
I couldn't tell you
those words
those words that replay
over and over in my head
for days, weeks, months
those words I need to be free from
I came so close
but my message was hidden
I need to break free
from this feeling
but I can't
I can't and it kills me
maybe next time
but next time I still won't be able to speak

I don't want to fight any more.
I don't see the point of this internal war
I have with myself
When I know the way I've felt
I sick of this mental barrier
and my tongue not being a carrier
of my words.
Like the birds,
I wish I was free
It could happen, I'll see
on that day
when I can say
the words I've been longing to say

there's a hole in my heart
and its growing
there's a hole in my heart
only words will fill
there's a hole in my heart
and I'm calling for help
there's a hole in my heart
and my screams are silenced by my  head
there's a hole in my heart
and it'll grow if nothings said
there's a hole in my heart
and soon I'll be dead

My thoughts twist
When I'm about to speak
And my head changes what I want to say
It's like I'm scared
Of my thoughts
But I'm not
I want to say something
But I'm hiding in a shell
A shell of fear
A barrier
Between my head and heart
That with 3 words could be gone
I want to speak
But I can't
And it's killing me

I need to stop being so abstract
No one understands what I am trying to say
I need to stop camouflaging my words
because the message is interpreted in a different way
I need to stop disguising my thoughts with a mask
and say what I ment to say
I need to stop shielding myself
from people who I know will hate
I need to be free
but every time I try my words get caught up and the message starts to hide
and the only thing that gets lost is another part of me
but no one sees that because it's hidden on the inside

I have this fight coming up
I'm up against someone who seems to be strong but I could be wrong
They seem to be set in their ways but they could be hiding something and not know what to say
maybe I can win this fight
If I think I can and use all my might
Maybe i can win this internal fight
between my heart and mind
And I hope my heart comes out on top
and my love for life will return and not stop