i haven't had hope
since i was just a young girl
innocent and inexperienced.
But when you smile
teeth like sculptures
lips like lust
centuries of insecurity
seem like only seconds
past lovers
are finally past.
And when i hear your voice
deep like my wounds
thick with want
i can't help
but lose myself in your adoration
Still, I'm scared
so scared
when i wake in your bed
you'll pack the last pieces of my heart
in that old wrinkled guitar case
and leave
like all the others.

I was angry at the list,
Of disorders I supposedly had
I hadn’t known at the time
The list would grow
Like the weeds in my garden
Infesting my life
And like a daisy
My petals would droop
Then wilt
Then rot
Until I was nothing more
Than an ugly stem

Does she know?
that my heart throbs
at the sound of her ignorance
her mind,
her unforgiving inferno
scarring me with each self-serving word
spitting blame upon my naked soul
justifying her sadistic superiority
guilt's eating at my spine
tissue of tranquility
ripped from my body
paralysed by shame
powerless to her crooked finger of accusation
my defensive glaciers of redemption
melting down into her ocean of allegation
shelter of speech dissolving into doubt
mouths mirroring guns
both pointed at me
lips move in sync
insecurity rewires retaliation
I do not recognise my reflection
am I battling this woman of manipulation
or I am simply demolishing my self-worth
I'm unsure of what I've done
but I feel it in my sickly bones
it most definitely was wrong
must be my fault
must be
my fault.

she knows.

scarlet
crimson
ruby
cherry
vermilion
carmine
blood


between our lips
in the corners of our eyes,
the blush on your cheeks
residing between your thighs.
Its what we're made of,
how we enter this existence
sometimes how we exit it
appearing alongside your pain
rushing through our veins
something so momentous
is known by one name


red.

force fed lies from birth
subliminal messages infest my upbringing
blindfolded by greed
I don't see you starve
or smell the pollution
I can't hear the bullets flying
because my ears are stuffed with lies
they say the government has my interests at heart
that the school systems are built to support me
and we're more equal than ever
so why is the wage gap wider than my young eyes
and how is it that a country that screams freedom
won't put down their weapons
when their children are bleeding
why do I know how to dissect a frog
ignorant of the fact innocent civilians are slaughtered
intestines on display
like the green amphibian under my knife
because I can kiss a girl
in a drunken game of spin the bottle
but such an act would get me killed in 11 countries
and is still illegal in 72
why do I know the sum of internal angles in a triangle
yet I don't know how
to read the signs of suicidal friends
when statistically 1 out of 5 people I roam the halls with
struggle with a mental illness
even though more than half of those suffering
have no access to treatment
we are collectively clueless
I am no stranger to privilege
my gratitude is not withheld
but why am I more worthy
than the child forced out of his country
for his religious identity,
for being himself?
why when accessing the privilege of education
they don't teach me how to help other humans
when did sums become more important
than knowledge of current wars
did you know there's more than 10 of them?
because I've only heard of one
I believe that you choose to do nothing
but if i am never aware that I have a choice
nothing can change
and even though everyone has a voice
people with the solutions only choose to hear those with a status
how is it that such screams of desperation
sound so quiet to them
why are those in power of whole countries
so blind to our demands
why do they make things impossibly easier
for those whom already have wealth and advantage
when those stripped of human rights
always seem to escape their greedy sight
but some of us have something they fear
something that never crossed their closed minds
we have the power to create our own opportunities
we can force those whom are voluntarily deaf to hear
so hear me in my passage only seen by very few
this platform may be small but my words shout at you
an action no matter how small
a voice no matter how soft
provokes change if not in yourself
then in even the most unfamiliar faces
but the difference between thinking and action making
is you

Weekends blur together,
into unfathomable disgusting pleasure
alcohol captures my throat in its hands,
burning in the most pleasant way
smoke is my new oxygen
I inhale greedily
waiting for my eyes to redden
and my mind to split open
spilling all its contents into my body,
into my blood thirsty heart.

A park, a house, a beach,
I can't tell the difference.
Raging hormones clawing at the bodies surrounding
flesh against flesh
wanting, searching
for a new obsession
to burn out the infestation of another lover
the one time encounter of two empty shells
hoping to be filled with something other than dread.

Its unavoidable,
the cold reality of what it really is.
Meaningless.
But still our hearts hunt for purpose,
and I feel every vibration of desire surround me
dozens of developing disasters
hungry for more than what's given
more than the guidelines
it engulfs me.

I'm just another alcoholic statistic
part of a generation willingly destroying ourselves
just to feel something,
other than the seat we're permanently stuck to
and the desk we're forever trapped under
uselessly typing on a computer we can never look away from
for the rest of our pointless existence
stuck in a miserable cycle
of losing
but never obtaining.