Twelve dozen flowers I've yet to see
From countries far away
I'd love to pick each one with you
And watch them all decay

we dance in puddles on the rooftops
in the rain of a typhoon, I wait
for our hopes and dreams to blow over
sundress soaked to my skin
you tell me I'm a pretty little thing
you can't see my sleeves and my soaked hair
still smells like the smoke of a loaded gun, gone
I traded in my needs for sticky promises
you traded in your career for a losing ticket
after everything is said and done
will you slay your demons for someone new?
please don't let me consume you while we dance
on the rooftops in the rain until feet bleed
and pockets of trapped blisters form
it's too late now, isn't it?
to whisper that I don't like dancing
while you remind me that I'm wrong
of course my eyes would dance for you
look at how beautiful I am when I spin and fall
new bruises form and I look so good in blue
so I twirl because it makes you smile like you do
though it isn't fair of me nor you
to keep silent skies grey and air muggy

this ain't a relationship
it's a hostage situation
I'm starting to believe I have
Stockholm syndrome for you
but in the darkness we can pretend
it feels something like love

you poured gold over my scars
caressed them with tenderness
held me while I wept that snowy afternoon
destroyed and recreated
you told me I didn't have to see myself
as broken, despite the fact
I felt shattered and torn
fragile as glass or porcelain

I've fought myself for years
lost to the demon inside that told me
become so thin you disappear
walk in the tundra until you freeze
make yourself bleed to death
I only loved myself when you held me
loved my body because it was yours then
that it could feel your touch and breath

now I fell and broke with a crash
my jagged pieces formed a puzzle
I can still be useful and full of good
I've picked up the pieces one by one
put myself back together this time
ignored the voices wanting pain
became my own gold and watched it
sparkle as I rebuild myself

good night, handsome love I've lost
do you remember the name of every star
that has ever shone for you alone?
I know it's silly how we're so old now
that I couldn't recognize the lines of your brow
even if you were somehow still here with me
it's quarter past sleep and the streets are calm
but the world is still ending, I've read
dad used to tell me about the apocalypse
how humans and God will destroy the earth
remind me I've always been a sinner  
never destined for a rapture but yours
though, I hope He never tries to saves me
we all know I'm a mistake
the person who fills an empty gap
but is never made for that space
I sit alone in pitch black in empty cemeteries
reading the names of the tombstones
waiting for the day the letters forming me
appear on the rocks before my eyes
in that night, when you're ready, tell me:
will you wait for me in the abandoned parking lot
by the tipped broken cart at half past dead?
let me fill your space just a little longer.

open space compels you
forward
walking into lakes and oceans
trigger pulling aim true
from the shallow end to the buoys
keep going, the sea whispers
find the deepest end
submerge
jump from the bridge
they won't notice you're gone
buried in ice water, frozen
chasing the moving horizon
push and pull of waves against body
you're in too deep now
thunder in the distance
black clouds shoot lightning
you close your eyes
wait for it to end
wait for it
wait
a voice says
you won't drown
you feel fingers, pulling you up
helping your body float
their lips touch yours
oxygen transferred resuscitate
together, you see a still surface
you have never been happier
to be corporeal
to have arms and legs
than at that very moment
you realize that you can touch
the person who rescued you
you realize their waves
will carry you back
to shore
home

love is not a scarcity
it is a renewable resource
if you've found it once
you will find it again

nothing is truly static
you will outgrow people,
places, relationships
and that's okay to do

remember when times are tough
the only person you should trust
whom you can always rely on
is yourself

we all age, we all die
so make sure the people
you love know how you feel
because they will not always be there

it's okay to leave a situation
that makes you unhappy
that's not selfish
it's self-preservation

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself

You've found those in love with the idea of you
Who see your youth as supposed beauty, the way
Anyone would agree the shore and waves of an ocean
And the sparkling water, like diamonds on the surface
Is beauty itself captured, without seeing the depths --
The muddy ocean floor and vines and tentacles

You've found those who say they love you
Who talk about you like perfection encapsulated
Their dream girl who will surely save them
Kind, compassionate and caring, you love with open arms
There to hold them, cook, clean, support and keep them safe
But your love only heals like a bandaid over an amputation

You've seen love that is exchanged for goods and services
Conditional love that relies on your ambition and ability
Love that is picked up briefly and put down suddenly
Thrice you have even found something resembling absolute love
At a bad time, with the wrong person, in a broken place
And it's never yours to keep and it never remains

So you teeter along this edge where everyone's love
Depends on what you do for them or who you aren't
Slowly but surely you find a way to accept that maybe
No one has ever really, truly, possibly, loved you.
Maybe they can't.
Maybe you are unlovable.

Or maybe love itself is impossible -
An idea created and packaged by capitalism
To sell media and cosmetics and insecurity
You find a way to make peace with the idea of a world
Devoid of unconditional or true love
Where the constance of love and loss are tied

One cannot seem to exist without the other because love itself
Does not exist without barriers or stipulations
The happily ever afters are a likely delusion
One that has poisoned your mind for too long
Love is always conditional, selfish, and possessive
Everyone loved, leaves because love cannot stretch to infinity
Movies and music and literature have lied to us

At some point you learn to give up on others, because it's easier
You learn to stop loving anyone else, either
Because one sided affection is emotionally draining
Giving 100% to anyone but yourself, impossible
And in that moment maybe
You find a way to love yourself like no one else can
Because that's the only thing you have left in this world
While you make peace with the idea
That you, too, will someday leave

there is poetry and art and beauty
in a brief exchange of souls and scars
temporary friendships or
lovers who do not extend to infinity
just because it ends it does not mean
the experience is less valid or less real
I am grateful for every experience
the painful and sad moments, too
as they have all created me
as part of my becoming and existence
and they have taught me to appreciate
even more wholeheartedly
the joy others bring to my life

your memory is still
my happy place

what's the word for finding something
you never even knew you were missing
for meeting someone you have always known
is there a word for the feeling I get when you touch me
where nostalgia, goosebumps, and home collide

you are grey as cumulus nimbus
your rain brings out every color of my rainbow
we will dance under darkened skies
kiss on moonlit lakes
love loudly through looks of lust
slow play, silent smirks, poetry

you are an expert at words
your tongue is gold
soft and smooth
your words touch my veins
so tell me, love, what is the word
for the feeling of infinity
that I see when I look at you?

You were afraid of heights
I was afraid of falling for you
Only one of us had to face their fear

you define who you are
by maybes and not-so-bads
as boundaries disappear between us
I see a filled canvas of colour
every brush stroke placed perfectly
you are the epicentre of art
truth and beauty collide

but-
some truth you have yet to uncover:
no one of us is complete
everything disowned can be recovered
your inhibitions are fantasy
you cannot maintain a status quo
that makes you unhappy
or expect happiness in the static

instead, invest in yourself
you need time to grow
a thousand seeds in a desert
will never create a garden
just as a thousand compliments
will never bloom if you don't
first learn
to love yourself

they say the gods grant you
a wish if you build a thousand
origami paper cranes
I have built a million of them
using the finest coloured paper
from stalks of bamboo written in ink
each flies with a wish I've made
hundreds with the same whisper
that you'll find me again someday
they say good things come to those
who spare the life of a spider
I've spared every spider I have ever seen
since I was six years old, I was careful
talked to them often, quietly
so they wouldn't be lonely like me
gave them droplets of water late at night
and asked them if they would help me
find you again some day, too
now, good luck visits me late at dusk
when I dream of your countenance
my reward is the sweetest night
bliss at the moonlight against your softness
though I wake, alone once more

use my skin for your push pins
like a voodoo doll of rags and sin
yours to abuse, love or leave
yours for anything, cuddle or cleave

my strings are attached to wooden crosses
between rows of stone, I count my losses
you tell me that feelings aren't for dolls
speaking to you is like hitting a wall

you tell me I'm prettier up on a shelf
you say, around me, you can be yourself
I am just your puppet in the end
in doll houses, we play pretend

I keep my lips sealed in silent stitches
dress me up in red lipstick and riches
your happiness has always been my task
even though it means I'm wearing a mask

no one can fathom
their mercurial will
no one can know
what life will fulfill

I've tempted fate
I live on borrowed time
because I've met you
I've experienced the sublime

when Lachesis cuts
woven threads of my life
I'll look back on moments
of happiness and strife

my life's constance is love
your smile is my bliss
while I'm still alive
your happiness is my wish

I have often wondered, since my birth
what is my body worth?
does the outside count more than in?
humans are all born of sin--
kavanaugh weinstein trump
treat women as objects to dump
is my body for their hungry eyes?
will they undress my sweet disguise?
aware that my body is not my own
aware of my safety when I am alone
please don't think I could ever be yours
please don't harass me and shout out slurs
is an ** worth less than an xy?
how have we all turned a blind eye?

it would take
78 antidepressant pills or
60 mg of nicotine or
11 lbs of pasta or
4 bottles of wine or
2 minutes of carbon monoxide or
a single text message

to make my heart stop entirely

no introductions required
I don't need to know your name
nor you, mine
I'm here to bind
your naked wrists together
behind your bare back
slender shoulders
skin spilling over rope
watch your bare chest hitch
shallow breaths
restricted by my tension
careful to avoid your *******
cross the pattern along ribs
observing the bruises along your neck
as I move your hair out of my way
I am busy working
observing patches of blue and black
on your sides and stomach
where he had his way with you
and I feel a pang of envy
somewhere deep in my stomach
because I wish anyone would want me
the way he wants you
but I'm here to learn
how to fold string
create red patterns
on your soft skin
hoping someday, someone
will want to be bound
the way you are now
mine for more than just the hour

ten years ago, you sat next to me
propped against a wall on my bed
strumming each string
of my red electric guitar
tuning the cords, slowly, gently
too embarrassed to play a song
you were going to be a lawyer
I was going to be a journalist
we both had high hopes then

our usual food order was tater tots
with extra (extra!) sauce and
pad thai in a box which we'd swap
back and forth in between sips
of whiskey from your metal flask
sitting on the curb of the parking lot
late at night after everything closed
both exhausted from work

you brought me a cd in the hospital
I listened to it a hundred times
I know all the lyrics to every song on it
even a decade later
the music is still ours, you know
we gift each other mix tapes
you always include a song
by my favorite band (thank you)
I couldn't make you just one playlist
because all music reminds me of you

our conversations flow easy
we bounce back and forth
teasing, joking, talking openly
you always make me laugh
and I don't tell you this enough
but I love you and our friendship
even when we go months
without ever talking to each other
what we have is beautiful and
so important to me, I cherish it every day

monogamy means I am a thing
an object possessed by someone else
their trophy, their conquest
their maid and chef, too

I want to be loved, not owned
held loosely and with courage
treasured, valued, and desired
instead of confined to chains

monogamy is stifling
monogamy is jealous
monogamy is cruel
monogamy is immuring

I have always been your everything
rather than comforting, it's exhausting
love is complex but not binding
and sometimes love isn't enough

fifty years down the road
will I regret the time I've spent
being inauthentic and forced
living someone else's dream?

Your wicked tongue awoke
Between crooked teeth
And a scarred smile

An accent at the boom
Of your voice; could shatter
Cities of marble to sand

The plague you've sent
As we prayed for an end
And you took your throne

But this is love, isn't it?
You whispered to us all
Through an open palm

This was all there is
And all that ever will be
You are the omega

You've slayed and conquered
But like caped crusaders fallen
You were mortal all along

And I realize that now
Whelmed through life's storm
You, too, never knew love

I don't dance, I said
But my love for you is greater
Than my need to not embarrass myself
What is love without vulnerability
So I danced that night
As best as I could
Pretended we were the only ones
Left in that speakeasy
The live music echoing through my body
The alcohol moving through my veins
And I don't dance
But maybe for one night
I can be the kind of person who does
The kind of person who lets loose
Twirls without care and loves their body
Despite awkward hips
Legs that stall and ****
But tonight, I can become someone new
Who lets themselves go uninhibited
Who unapologetically twists and twirls
Who shakes out the day, so tonight,
I do dance - but maybe just with you

skin of silken cream
warmth in your heart
your eyes are a dream
though we are apart
my darling, you're lovely
and I miss you so
and while we're apart
my love only grows

Hellopoetry,
I confess.
I have killed a man
who I love deeply

he was driven as the sun
and passionate as a storm
but now he is a sailboat
a vessel waiting for wind

years ago, when we had nothing
but each other, cuddled up
on an air mattress in the middle of a room
I was happy

he died five years ago
those hazel eyes I so adored
with green flecks strong as a rainforest
are now clear cut

was it my finger on the gun?
did I tie the perfect knot of a noose?
leave medication next to the alcohol?
...was it really me? how did I do this?

we have grown so far apart
that I barely remember
the boy who lit my heart ere long ago
who I kissed in the art room
next to my paintings
and I thought he was more beautiful
than any work of art ever could be

I see his shadow sometimes,
only when we're on vacation and he
wanders through trails holding my hand
once again young, shy, playful

and gone again so soon.

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

I can be iron and steel, built of bricks
a stone tablet front you've etched into
now left standing like a memorial dome
an outline recognizable and familiar
this fallout doesn't scare me and never has
imprinted blackened ghosts lay at my side
nuclear shadows of what we had said
long before the plutonium sparked
I'll be left standing, though worse for wear
but even radiation can be cleaned with time
like the decades you both gave and took
and the love that both healed and destroyed

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

you said that aging is collecting ghosts
of everyone who enters your life and leaves
my collection, ambitious, I think of them daily
haunted by those I've loved and lost

your body is poetry in a language
I have always wanted to become fluent
dripping in platinum, your lips steel-*****
I hear a quartet commanding me
agave forms in your sulci and pours out
with every breath of your exhale
there's a constellation in your pupils
you are the very moon itself and I am earth
in perigee, my tides rise to greet you
every strand between us twists and weaves
unbroken helixes that connect but never touch
you shine and I can't pull my eyes away
from the contours of your cupid's bow
you move in slow motion towards me

when first words were exchanged
innocuous attempts to remove shirts
in the balmy summer heat
I was fallen snow, legs frozen
my mouth spoke
in metallic red and said,
in my darkest nights, it's always
your smile I see
it has always been your smile
and your countenance
in blissful dreams that delight
your essence fills
the darkest voids in both
heart and mind
I am brightened by your existence
you alone
have made me shine
when my fire faded entirely
a thousand years ago
I swear we soared
through starry night skies
and kissed on beaches before creation
with fingers laced before
bodies even existed
(though, I am ever so grateful for yours)
my eyes gave everything because
you are a boomerang of reciprocity
so see me as foolish or naive
explore my newly found optimism
because I now see colour
in our world as never before
tease and laugh and enjoy time with me
it it yours and I
exist for you

the bartender poured
a double of something
"drink this," she said
"just don't smell it,
and definitely don't sip it"
her light eyes looked at me
and for a moment reminded me
of what I wanted to forget
I downed the shots but
they never made me feel better
I briefly contemplated my options
a one-way ticket to Manchester
or drinking on-sale antifreeze
my silver jacket buttons
holding cold in their heart
I took a drag from a cigarette
dangled it between my fingers
"I don't even smoke", I laughed
my words hung in the air
like a foreign object out of reach
and it smelled like you
watching ashes and smoke
getting lost in the crisp air

you have me trained to do
every little thing that pleases you
I disobey and you ring a bell
but wrong from right, I can tell

I am not for you, I know
you and I apart will grow
you took your leave from my life
I wish you only good days and nights

please, don't take my poetry as a sign
I'm aware you were never mine
some will touch your life with gold
and quickly leave you out to cold

my words are now for only me
and happy as a dog, I will be

i remember being little when the
fire of my eyes still shone bright
my fingertips green with the world at the edge
i thought that someday i’d grow tall
like the linden trees
i wanted to stand before
things greater
than my imagination
experience the world with every
spare hundred dollars in my pocket
and now my branches have overgrown
and i can never be uprooted
so i stand tall and watch the planes overhead
flying to islands with names
i can’t pronounce
and i dream of the days when i was little
and still caught fire in my reflection

I still feel the warmth your love provides
though now I am alone and you, gone
I still feel you each night by my side
while every day awakes a new dawn
and I find ways to keep moving on

you were every part of me, my star
we saw a future for us alone
so many stolen nights became ours
I gave myself to you and was shown
parts of your body, muscle and bone

I loved you and every bit, my dear
without you, there are merely dull aches
knowing never will I have you near
letting you leave; my greatest mistake
now all I have left is my heartbreak

This is a gift exchange.

I would like to share with you some of my happiest moments:

Having breakfast at a restaurant on top of the mountains and watching the sun rise over sleepy houses.

Wine and food pairing tasting in the summer, near the lake. It smelled like fresh flowers and the breeze off the lake made the summer sun bearable.

Kissing you and realizing it felt like home, like I had found something I didn't even know I was missing.

Every memory shared has been a gift exchange, and your gifts are ones I will always cherish.

Thank you.

do you feel fight or flight
norepinephrine through your veins
my nails against your skin
body delicate and responsive
lips bruised and stung
as i lick, nibble, bite
i sense veins pulsing with blood
burning hot with adrenaline
and i want you so desperately
i long to consume your words
devour your lips
take you in entirely
ravaged
exhausted
i want to smell you
fear, arousal, excitement
your flesh against my tongue
the sweetest moment of all
is not the thrill of the chase
it's the moment predator
captures prey

you loved wild flowers
like lavender
intense purple silk
against your edges
I watched you bloom
your petals opaque
brilliance spills like dew
intensity and fearlessness
a spirit so wild and bold
that it doesn't care about
who it touches or hurts
you say wildflowers have
no thorns but I could've sworn
these cuts didn't exist before you

You told me once, life isn't aimless
We are all aimed directly at death

i am slipping
heart melting
bury me down
and i won't rise
remember tequila shots
and first times?
our spirits etched
crudely into each other?
and you were the one
to let me go
brought your shovel
entombed us both
i wish i could forget
your smiling eyes
dancing for me alone

there are always words that evoke
gentle and soft imagery
like the fireflies in dense forests
where we could wander
pathways lit up by the glow of stars
count the bones of the great oak trees
lead me through the thickets
kiss the scars on my thighs
we'll listen to the sound
of crashing waves against
your voice when you laugh
we'll guess the age of the universe
discuss epistemology and literature
I'll watch the way your jaw line moves
when you smile and whisper
or how your body tenses at my touch
the moment your eyes spark  
and dilate to my presence
I'll caress your body against mine
bliss at the sweetness of your heat
I'll oscillate with the trees
knowing that together
we can conquer windmills

I want to feed my mind and my soul
and forget my body ever existed

I long to hold you
yearn for you against me
I want your bruises and bites
your lightest touch and deepest kisses

give me your thoughts
your happiness
your pleasure
I will you give you mine

I don't mind being broken by you
when my thoughts are interrupted
mind blank and there's silence
the moment our bodies meet

show me your scars
your pain
your passion
I will you show you mine

you give openly
I want to give in to you
surrender every piece of myself to you
because my love for you is always requited

every moment, every feeling
you repay with interest
with you, affection is always
exquisitely reciprocal

red torii gates separate the sacred
engraved with kana names
I step on the stone tiles
reinvent myself by praying
to every god I have never believed in
donating all the coins I have to shrines
the omamori will protect me
with pretty ribbons, silk, and wood
their birds guide to understanding
converting lies into truths before me
their paper songs a tender kindness
and there is courage within me
even as my voice turns to melody
my words spill out a tune
the temple walls hum
a chorus of veracity, louder
I have come to realize the importance
of moral authenticity within me
your gracious decency, divine
delicate gentleness with my fragility
from shattered pieces I rebuild
recollect myself and rise stronger
the sakura blossoms melt
the tide rises up the torii
compelled by a cold moon
wooden birds take flight away
and I return solid and true

media is self absorbed
corrupt government systems
**** journalists and civilians
bleached coral reefs
nuclear bomb testing
fast fashion and factory farming
class discrepancy grows
capitalism expands
the forest weeps
earth is burning
150-200 species of life
become extinct every day

here's a picture of my food
and my pet, he's a good boy
vacay in madrid smiley emoticon
hashtag blessed hashtag fun

is it a lie or a distraction

black empty expanse
my eyes meet the mirror
I consider shaving my head
removing my eyebrows
match outside to in
ugly and empty
I wish I could rip off petals
set myself on fire like a monk
reach nirvana by golden chariot
starve myself until I disappear
drink until I collapse forever
but I put my hair up
make a cat wing eyeliner
smile with bleached teeth
fix my dyed hair
use metallic red lipstick
consider plastic surgery
I don't want to be here, I mouth
the mirror knows already
but there's only one way out
instead, I put on my nicest dress
hoping that someday I find
a way to match inside to out

In last night's dream I met the 3 fates
They said, in unison, I could go back in time
Just for 24 hours, to any day I wanted

I picked the day you died.

I ran to your house and explained
What would happen to you, soon
Thinking, in my hubris, I could stop it

At first, you thought I was joking
Or playing some sort of cruel trick
Until you saw the tears form
I hugged you, in a way I hadn't
In over twenty years and said I was sorry

We stayed up all night watching bad tv
Eating sweet snacks from the pantry
I read to you, my favourite poetry
I told you everything, and I lied
That I was happy, that I'm okay

And for a moment I thought that maybe
It wouldn't happen. That you wouldn't go.

Soon after, a gasp for air.
The death rattle. I held your hand.
I watched you die and was helpless to stop it.
But I was there with you, in my dream
To the very end, you were never alone

I wish I could've been there with you
Traumatizing as it would have been for me
I'm so sorry I wasn't there

if I went back in time knowing it all
memories had and the moment I'd fall
remembering how it felt to lose you
and the pain of unrequited love, too
I would do it over, and over once more
because it has always been you I adore
I would happily break my heart anew
if only for a chance to fall again for you