I wish I could take your pain away
plant a garden of sunflowers someday
whisper I love you and that I'll stay
read to you while beside me, you lay
but day after day
I see the way you fray
how her words shatter and slay
but for some reason, you stay
at her whim, you obey
I felt your heart once stray
but you continued to delay
the inevitable, you downplayed
your unhappiness and dismay
I wish I could take back and unsay
the time I called 'us' a foolish cliché,
the smoke filled night at the cabaret
how late the dusk crept on the day-
we laid under stars in the milky way
talked about feelings and our soirée
your touch on my skin, like foreplay
looking back, you were my gateway
but for you, I was just another weekday
...and we both knew you'd never stay

every human being you love
is going to hurt you
every human being you love
is going to leave you

but sometimes, you will find a human
that will heal you, too

- written by Krista DelleFemine, 2018.
find her work here: https://hellopoetry.com/kdellefemine/

I kept giving away
tiny pieces of myself

until there was nothing left

when I craved kindness, passion, and fire, I stole
and they say no one person can complete you
but love, when you look at me, I am whole
and maybe we'll have thirty years together
but know the past century we were souls
intertwined with my arms around you

you make me beautiful when life takes a toll
I used to think that love only bruised
you've taught me that it's not about control
I used to think that pain was all that remained
but you came with love to heal and console
and show me the good that comes after midnight

my fingers miss yours
my lips can still taste your skin
hungry and alone

I talk to you as though you're still here
in the room with me, watching me work
I tell you about all of the things you've missed:
my acceptance to grad school and thesis
how I've started watercolour painting
and learning Japanese
reading Rilke and writing poetry again
you would've loved that

and I tell you about grief and loss and death
how I should've stayed with you that day
I saw your heart shatter and break
you were gone just a week later
I had never seen anyone in so much pain
but when I held your hand and said I was there
I swear I felt you try to squeeze it back still
even through your dyspnea and delirium

I still see you, you know?
when I look in the mirror it's not my face
but yours looking back at me
and when I write they are not my words
but yours reflected back on the page
and sometimes, when I am quiet enough
I can hear your replies to me, too
and you talk to me, as though you're still here

your whole body becomes a map made for me
to explore the uncharted territories
conquer the lands where I see fit to leave my mark
to seek and record with eyes and hands what is tangible
but I wish, more than anything, that I could uncover
your mind, your soul, your core, your being
to find my way under your skin as you have mine
the topography of your brain is a beautiful landscape
I want to study your phenomenology
to become a cartographer of your sulci and gyri
come to know the lines and ridges of your consciousness
create new methodology to observe and transcribe
your brain is a fingerprint unique, and yours
all the more beautiful for it's belonging

stepford wife, smile bright
cook, clean, fix, listen, shine
a trophy, prize, conquest
overused, underloved, broken, dies
unassembled puzzle, incomplete
pieces an unclear fit, break
silent muzzled, scattered, quit
exhausted, out is in a box
for puzzles, games, like little talk
brought to shelved bars, stay
viewed only, never touched
succumb, suffocate, decay

there's an awful emptiness
in relatable content
when hundreds of people all
experience the same
loneliness and pain
but no one can do anything
about it, so instead they just
laugh, a fake laugh, and say
"yeah, I know how you feel!"
as if commiserating will somehow
ease the pain when someone dies
or something in your heart goes askew
but if every awful experience is common then the norm is misery
which is not a norm I'm willing to accept
or maybe relatable is an adjective
for anything relevant to the human experience
in which case, every moment, every feeling, every instance
is relatable and therefore dreadfully unoriginal
so-- I propose we change the meaning of the word itself
allow it to become more, a warning to break free
a protest to rise up against
the normative and to seek the original
to become inspired and to connect with others
in unique and meaningful ways
join me in reclaiming what is relatable and instead
seeking what is new

you once called me your dream girl
I was terrified that some day you'd wake up

is there a plan to this design
constraint within space and time
the clouds, the flowers, the trees, and sea
cannot be made for only me

so tell me please what do you know
when we die do our souls flow
become stardust in the sky
or has that been just a lie

maybe we're all in a dream
and nothing is as it seems
and when my body becomes slack
and my world fades to black

I want to believe there might be more
only one lifetime with you I deplore
a thousand lifetimes may be enough
but having just one makes it tough

in case this is my lone chance
I cannot leave life to circumstance
I know I wish to hold you dear
and have you in my life year after year

pull my skin back and mark incision lines
cut my flesh open in jagged streaks
the smell of iron and steel delights
wait for the knife to hit muscle and sinew
slice through viscera and veins alike
it's always been this disgusting
messy, trickling blood and intestines
horrific and gruesome to behold
this is what it means to see inside a person
the sticky stains of good and bad
fat globules and disease and infection
dead cells and organs, tissue and bone
I am disgusting
but you cut through me
and saw light and darkness
the core of my very being
and its surprising anyone
could still love me after

but you did

I can see where the forked road leads:

one path smooth and easy
it never leads to happiness
but maybe I could fool myself
into thinking your heart never made me
feel anything at all and
if I squeeze my eyes shut
and wish very hard
while I count the songs
of origami swans
or the rings of tree branches
like a boreal ribcage around the path
I'll wonder if the trees were happier rooted

the other road is treacherous
my heart shatters and breaks
in a million new ways
crossing shaky bridges
with hundred foot drops
and I don't come out unscathed
because there's no way to perform
heart surgery on yourself
some weeks I'm so scared
I'll bleed out entirely
others, I'll spend growing alone
uncomfortably
finding strength in myself
wondering why I didn't pick
the smooth road--
though it was never
a difficult decision to begin with

there's a room just off
the main emergency hallway
called the quiet room
small and dimly lit
couches out of style a decade ago
and what I assume is supposed to be
calming paintings of landscapes
abstract shapes in soothing blues
I spent two days there once
waiting to hear
what would happen to you
expecting you to wake up
I was going to tease you about
how you had five pretty doctors
attending to you
tell you about how the shelf you built
only a week ago, got a compliment
but instead we never spoke again
and I had to carry on
the burden of living

my throne is made
of silver and bone
tarnished and alone
I sit waiting for you

threads tie my wrists
in ribbons of red string
like a pretty little parcel
another play thing

you toy with me
a game of cat and mouse
watch your fingers unbutton
the top of my blouse

I watch as you
uncover my chest
to plunge a dull dagger
into my breast

shock sets first
I sputter and cry
blood then bursts
hands covered red

my eyes aglow
a wounded animal
blood pools below
I think of your lips

of sunshine kisses
an ocean of care
until that moment
love was all fair

now the price is paid
heavy hearts lay
I foam at the mouth
like a rabid stray

my crown is made
of cobwebs and spiders
I think of your face
as consciousness fades

you have been in a hard place for too long
your unhappiness is a dark alley
whether it was a bad left or turn wrong
you are now wandering through death valley

you never wanted this, you say aloud
closing your eyes and waiting for an end
until the day you seize heavens and clouds
and the nightmare itself, I watch you fend

see you rebel against your binding chains
the taste of sweet defiance on your lips
a revolution shoots through every vein
insurgency whispers from every tip

now your days become yours, and yours alone
while I marvel and watch you take your throne

I wait for the ground to reclaim me
organic tissue, clothing of cotton
biodegradable, degraded
metallic dirt with soot and wood
blood spills from my mouth
uncontrollable
I am injured and waiting
I gurgle through a deep reverie
where the ground swallows me whole

cold soil poured over flesh
artisanal grave keepers
bury me along the elms and oaks
and I become strong enough
to conquer my darkest self
to dig out of the night
and somehow, somewhere
find you with my last breath
in my final hour
to say the words I mean--
it is you
it has always been you
the answer
to the unasked question
the vision late at night
before my sweetest slumber
the craving when I don't know
what I want
has always been you

but I stare at the sky
feel cold, sticky blood
leave my body
and wait for the ground
to claim me

starve a fever, feed a cold
which one am I, love?
feed me, starve me
love me, leave me
pleasing you, pleases me
pleasing you, feeds me

let me feed on your flesh
the area where neck and shoulders
meet my lips and teeth

carry the marks I sink to your skin
feel your skin sink into my teeth
the softest spots are the freckles
here, and here, and here
I long to taste them
linger salt in the corners

my smile against you
I remember that smile
when your warmth feeds my cold

when my voice lowers
the secret is yours to keep
that I unequivocally love you
and I am yours to love or leave
to feed or starve
please, let me please you

I write poetry when thoughts infect me
catching colloquy in a web to feast
my thorax alates pearlescent scales
I capture nectar from dewy books
***** waxy words that form in the back
of my throat in honeycomb shapes
they taste sweetest directly from my lips
until you notice six legs protruding
or ten eyes staring up at you in fear
the apex of my elytra is rainbow chrome
but all you see is a hardened shell
admittedly, all I've ever had is ability
to filiform syllables and sounds
dangle lexicon delicately from silk pages
in hopes of creating all the beauty
that I have never felt I possess in this form

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
you defied the gods and gave me your fire
I had wandered through frozen wilderness
couldn't remember feeling heat against ice heart
I melted, held to your words and arms
didn't even consider that I could get hurt
your body gets used to always feeling cold
but the fire restored feeling in every finger tip
skin against skin where you healed my frostbite
so of course, when you left and the cold set in again
I felt the sharp curse of a million needles piercing me

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
that I never noticed when everything burned down
creating another frozen wasteland to navigate
the difference is now I remember that fire exists
even if I don't have a paper map to find you
or enough dry wood to hold a flame of my own
with the memory of you, I can recreate a fire
for the next person who has lost their light or spark

Burn the barn with the red wooden doors
Pour gasoline on the warm cedar floors
Your eyes alit against orange smoke skies
You warn me of my own demise

We watch it together, collapse and unbecome
Neither a death nor a beginning and none
A moment witnessed by death and I alone
From the flames, I cast the first stone

I blame death for all done and said
Death reminds me I too will wake dead
So I beg it to leave me to the fire
Plead that it's my time to expire

But death carries me outside once more
Tells me it will soon even the score
Not today nor tomorrow and yet
My heart stopping, a sure-fire bet

Death leaves me to deal with the flames
Find a way to work through the pain
As if heart or home could be rebuilt
As if I could forgive my own guilt

Night after night I sleep under the stars
Watch my old wounds become scars
Slowly I build a new red door and four walls
While listening to death whisper and call

Though I keep living with all these regrets
Waiting for my sun to eventually set
From old barn ashes sprouts emerge
Tiny seedlings through dirt surge

I'll watch poppies and lilies bloom
Keep working by merely light of the moon
Until I'm rebuilt and once again new
Order is brought to what was once askew

And though death seems to always draw near
I decide to abandon my fear
Even in times I'm lonely, sad or asunder
I'll take the rain, and keep the thunder

I'll never make it to heaven now
But at least I've seen it once with you

eyes made of glass
skin becomes fallen rain
how I wish I were numb
to feel no pain
but the memory of you
will always remain

the blood in my veins
heart pulses for you
trace outlines on my wrist
a roadmap of blue
will you follow me here
is your navigation true

I fear being out of view
walking barefoot through frost
I can see my breath now
as I become lost
a cold chill tugs at my strings
when I walk to exhaust

stop forgiving and cutting slack
to those who don't love you back

your touch was poetry
in a language I can't read anymore
I still feel it in the core of my bones
the lines and shadows of each letter
drawing out a standing ovation
I had never felt freedom from my mind
you showed me how I could let go
held me in a way that led me to believe
I would be okay somehow
because you'd catch me if I fell
gentleness and death in your eyes
now you speak and your words
disappear in the air before reaching me
on the other side of the room I see
your lips and hands move but can't
make out the sounds or shapes you take on
so I watch the way you create poetry
like looking at pictures in a book
when you touch someone else
in the language we once spoke

aging their way together;
there was a shade of the person
he admired and esteemed
both within himself and her

a tune that slowed and drifted
became all the more intimate
through youth, silken and willing
which whispered to early hearts

we become and awaken with ardor
when our originals fail to excite
we grow and resemble the other
when one's love becomes requite

I exist in everyone's head or heart
a different person;
not everyone will have
the kindest image of me painted
some will meet me at a vulnerable time
paint me with wide brush strokes or
harsh dark lines that only seem impenetrable
to protect myself from decoloration

the details in a large painting matter less--
and I can't help but feel like maybe
we were too ambitious with art of this size
too many details added in too quickly
and the canvas is left mostly blank
did you know, love, that a complex canvas
woven of good, strong, fabric
holds more paint than a shallow gloss?

spend a minute looking at my angles
the shadows you've drawn across my face
is this how you've chosen to see your subject
or is this who I really am?
are you drawing what you really see
or just what you think you see?
look closer, try again to paint me as I am
see my many layers of colour and shape

because baby, maybe I am a piece of work
but you're no artist, either

the way your lips smirk
I am two beers in too many
you call all the shots

broken shards of glass and snow
pick up each one blow by blow
mix my blood into the earth
paper tigers have no worth
set my sails to open sea
unbind the knots and set me free
I elucubrate my feeble quarrel
composed of petals, orchids floral
taste the crumbs and rusk abound
ne'er again to hear the sound
longing sighs and an exhale
and all the night could entail
but you care for dim shadows not
and dawn becomes long forgot
my words spill on pages flat
each sheet falls through the slat
my thesis burns by candle light
every sentence shifts more trite
but you remain my constant spark
and for a moment, hope embarks

love, did you know
that every diamond
is made from death
compressed and contorted
transformed into something
just beautiful enough to wear
i was once carbon and oxygen
the weight of the earth on my chest
i'll never be as clear nor brilliant but still
you've worn me just the same
eliminated my multi-faceted edges
polished, a rock as any other
no one would believe i was a gem
i am made of dead things, worn out
eroded through the years
i can't sparkle the way you want me to
can't pretend to shine for only you
throw me back to the earth
i belong with the oceans and mosses
only through an end will i glow

You walked right by me
I pretended not to notice
not to make things awkward
because even now
I still think of you

I didn't see if your eyes
tried to connect with mine
but I felt us connect regardless
walking away was all I could do
to avoid the intense feelings held

I can pretend my heart doesn't sink
when I think of you; mind, body, soul
I can act like I don't see you first
when I walk into the room
or like my feelings are buried deep

I'll be anyone you want, love
but I refuse to ever be the one
who loves, hurts, and cares more
because my heart can't handle that again
so I walked by you and said nothing

I'm not that kind of doctor,
you tell me, while holding the scalpel
slowly cutting necrotic epidermis
every time you grin and smile
the dead skin tissue, gone
parts of me, mending

My doctorate is in arts,
you say, while holding the needle
slowly stitching cardiac sutures
when you press your lips to my wrist
pieces of my heart sewn together
I am whole once more

I've studied philosophy and literature,
you claim, while holding the pump
slowly collecting platelets and plasma
as you look into my eyes, you are
delivering a life-saving transfusion
every piece is healed

I thought I knew what love was
I read Austen, Bronte, and Shakespeare, too.
I thought I knew what love was
and then I fell in love with you

I am no stranger to love's life and lore
and had been nearly married once before
his alone I swore to be, forever long
thinking it was love until I heard your song

with kindness, passion, and care
you showed me what love could be
with you, my defenses are bare
and it's only your love that I see

I'll give myself to you because
I've found a love both warm and true
I never knew what love was
before I had met you

maybe a bad start
is a good place to end

Like Aristotle,
I see the world in moderation.
All the ugliness feels balanced
When I look at you.

my body is dynamic, in flux
you touched me and I was reborn
nerve endings rebuilt stronger
the outside changed too
hair colour through rainbows
makeup for every mood sparkled
sensory systems grew and changed
immortalized by your lips
with your fingers on my skin
connections newly created
yet so familiar and at peace
eyes wandering over your face
one I had loved so intensely
now my moon no longer recognizes
the wrinkles formed at the corners
when I smile or laugh or play
you loved me as I was, once
though every part of me replaced
shifted and altered to becoming
unrecognizable or similar
to when we had first met
I was made new because of you
while you believe I am the same
after everything had changed

your discomfort is my greatest pleasure
I smirk when you shiver
shift uncomfortably just a sliver
don't worry honey, I'm a giver

your silence is my favourite sound
I giggle when I catch you off guard
or plant quiet kisses on your lips, hard
you look at me with eyes starred

your pain is my happiest feeling
I am warmed when I give you an ache
and I can feel you underneath me, quake
it's my thirst you always slake

and honey, you're a giver

ocean and sky in mirror symmetry kiss
soft autumn sunshine shows shadows of bliss
the goddess of skies longs for the sea below
because only the ocean can make her heart glow
she'd give up the clouds, sun, and air, too
the ocean finds a way to paint her in blue
the waves crash against her golden wings
she's pulled back above like a puppet on strings
try as she may to break the shallows still
it seems like the fates laugh at her will
but little do they know that her will is true
and she'll find a way to greet the ocean anew
seize the very moon and control the tide
grow the ocean as high as it is wide
'til her reflection casts on the surface shown
deep beneath the seas skin, she's flown
deeper and deeper, she longs to go
until crashing waves come to a slow
and the stillness beneath ocean eyes greet
once more can the skies and the ocean meet

dear, settle not for inauthentic love
find a poet who keeps your soul ablaze
someone exists who fits you like a glove
and will love you for who you are, always

it is not too much to ask for romance
candle-lit dinners, **** notes, warm baths
there is a power in love at first glance
but true romance keeps your journey on path

so keep your chin up and find a poet
for they will know love, and how to show it

someday when I die
if my thoughts continue on
without a body or being
I often wonder if
my postconsciousness
will still think of you

will you be the last thought
the final breath I draw
guiding me to the stars
a voice whispering
I'm good and still loved

if you are engraved
into my very soul
impossible for me to wash off
or remove

I'll die haunted
by the person you are
the things we never were

a lobotomy can't fix me
you will still exist

even when my heart stops beating

find a lover who writes you sonnets
who uses the darkest flecks of your eyes as ink
and the shades of your skin as paper
writing along the edges of your wrists and arms
with tongue and teeth
with purpose, truth, and love

find a lover whose heart sings to yours
a pianissimo summer sonata, dolce
using their words sotto voce against your ear
melodiously humming against your body
with their lips pressed to your neck
with passion, fire and tenderness

find a lover who creates art
using line weight in colloquy and canvas alike
to paint you with diamonds, as they see you
watch them carve your essence
with rainbows and pearls
with intensity, feeling, and beauty

find a lover who gives to you
who presents all the joys of life
unselfishly and without expectation
and when they give freely and openly
ensure that you, too, become a lover
who writes, sings, creates, and returns

I once met a man as blind as the sea
Whose waves crashed down indiscriminately
Dark hair in hand, he whispered to me,
His voice quiet, a solemn plea

He wanted me to throw myself away
This, the meaning his message did convey
Become someone who would make him stay
Quell his waves to still and grey

A good girl - I do as I'm told
I become someone easier to hold
Remove the parts of me too bold
Despite the ocean remaining cold

Til my happiness is a dream unfound
Til my thoughts are still and bound
Til I feel as though I've drowned
Just hoping that he'd come around

But his ocean held no coloured light
It only served to spark and ignite
My colours escaped despite his plight
My wings grew and I took flight

You once said you couldn't picture anyone not loving me.
Don't worry, I can picture it really, really well.

Your eyes, golden brown
Soft, delicate fingers brushing a single curl
Against my cold face
"body heat helps frostbite,"
You tell me
And you lick your lips knowing
I am unconditionally doomed
In our paracosm you would be my wife
Bound by our losses and found by each other
In the unlit room, you're mine for just the hour
And maybe that's enough.

have the courage to do what must be done
to fix all that is broken and know when to run
and we will-
run through the fields away from it all
hold hands as the seasons change into fall
and they will-
transform us from youth to old and grey
despite wrinkles of autumn, together we'll stay

I don't want a forever love
I want a love that keeps me up
makes my fingers and toes tingle
love that fills me from my lips
through my spine and into my heart
I want wild love from a gentle soul
who understands how to feed
my mind and my body with poetry
words whispered for me alone
through fingertips and tongues
a lover whose tenderness heals scars
whose kindness is contagious
and whose passion is inspirational

I think about time I've spent
moments in my life
watching ****** movies
eating bad food
working dead end job
after dead end job
staring at the blank wall
listening to ticking clocks
cheerfully counting down my demise
long walks I'd take at dusk
down the trails by the river
pretending I enjoy running
because the pounding of my heart
in my head made me feel alive
I'd think about life and death
and whether god exists
and whether love exists
about ***, philosophy, infinities
the hours I have spent writing
poetry and nonfiction
displaying myself for scrutiny
painting canvas that I hate
to make myself feel something
to hope it reaches someone
reading Nietzche and Foucault
as if my existence could matter
but along the way I found myself
and maybe all of these moments
have led up to something
consequential and meaningful
every moment is part of my journey
every experience is part of becoming
every hour has lead me to you
so not a single second
of my life has ever been wasted

I thirst to be a water droplet

dancing on your skin
to kiss across your face
as I run down your jaw and chin
in the shower, we'd embrace

starting at your crest
I'd drip through your hair
and play along your chest
always handle you with care

meet you at your waist
I've fallen for you hard
what I'd give for just a taste
of speckles or skin, scarred

deeper yet I'd dive
just one lick with a smile
to be with you, I would strive
I'll spend thirty years, a bare while

when with you, time loses meaning
floating weightless in your ocean
the feeling of our hearts convening
connected in effortless slow-motion

and even if I reach the lake bottom
and even through hardships out of the blue
and even when my summer turns to autumn
more than anything, I long to be with you

if you try to find my faults
you won't have to look very hard
I'm aware of every character flaw

my low self-esteem
caring too much about other people
when their bad days ruin my mood
the days I can't quite get out of bed
or the times where I've filled my mind
with thoughts welcoming death

I start to worry when someone is late
they've forgotten about me
they don't love me, or even like me
and sometimes that ends up being true
validating my own self-hatred
my brain reminds me I was right

I'm as hideous and disgusting
and unworthy of kindness
as I had always suspected

I hold everyone else up on a pedestal
every person I've encountered is
better, prettier, smarter, wiser
and I fall in love with the way
their eyes sparkle and lips curl
when they're passionately speaking

maybe I never love myself because
I can't see the spark in my own eyes
or maybe it doesn't exist at all

anyone else here enjoy slow torture,
like backtracking months ago
in chats of failed relationships
to cringe at how strongly you
loved or seeked approval or desired
realizing how long it was unreciprocal
watching your patterns and foolishness
wishing you could stop the you
from the past from breaking the heart
of every future version of yourself
reliving the past like ptsd
watching yourself die over again
to prove it was real, that you lived, once

so I travel back months in time
to when we still spoke
and wish I could revoke every feeling
take back every word and every sentence
stop myself before I said anything nice
but the past is set in electronic cyberspace
arguably more permanent than stone

so I read and internalize every "k"
every empty emoji or moments
you were terse or upset with me
because they remind me to always
choose the one who loves me most
to play it cool and careless instead
compartmentalize it and remind myself
the one who loves more loses more
free is the one who has nothing to lose
and I'll get there too, someday soon
but until I can lose my feelings entirely
I'll keep numbing them with words
the ones you wrote to me
the ones I wrote to you
the ones you never voiced
and the ones I keep writing to this void

I'm not a ******* but you still hurt so good.