Its 5am and I've been 'sleeping' for 7 hours.
What a brilliant lie.
How am I going to function tomorrow...

I just want you to know I don't write about anyone.
You have to be significant.
And being significant at a time where I don't even feel significant myself.
That makes me writing about you a pretty **** good thing.

I see you for the last time tomorrow.
I just really want to kiss you.
But I want you to make the first move.
I'm nervous.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really awkward in these situations.
Sorry about that.

I used to stay up till 6am tying different lengths of material around my neck.
I used to stay up till 5am trying to forget how to breathe for a little while.
I used to stay up till 4am and wonder what you were doing with her at that time.
But now it's 4am and I'm happy.
I met a stranger two days ago and he seems to have completely erased the bad feelings.
The memories.
He's a blank white page.
And my 3am scribbles are no longer pleading messages to god begging for a release.
They are rambles about how this man makes me feel.
And ****.
It's pretty wonderful.

It's currently 3.40am and I'm laying awake picturing tomorrow.
Your accent spinning round in my mind.
Bringing me back to Friday.
And this evening.
I know you 2 days and I feel like I've known you a lifetime.
It's crazy.
I'm crazy.
Of course everyone I have mentioned you to disapproves.
But I really don't care right now.
The hope you inspire in me is beautiful.
The fact that you think I'm pretty is amazing.
I'm shocked at how well we get along.
And after two days of knowing you.....
Actually after two hours of knowing you...
I think i've fallen once again.
Except this time...
I think you may have fallen a little bit too.....

I'm going to meet the Australian I had drinks with on Friday right now.
I haven't felt these kind of butterflies in a good year or so.
Wish me luck.
Aghhh.

I've been thinking.
I've had my sights set on that one target for so long and nothing seems to be happening.
I just can't seem to get my aim right.
But then I meet you.
And you're a much easier target to hit.
Even if you're not what I was expecting,
Taking my eye off my goal for that split second gave me the best opportunity.
To meet you.
So just remember..
When you've your sights set on something..
Don't forget to take a break and look around.
Because you never know what opportunity you're missing out on...

Wow I really fancy you.
I could write something poetic but I feel just thinking about you satisfys me.
I just really want to kiss you goodbye tomorrow...........

But attractive Australian men who play guitar and sing don't just walk through Dublin city with you and sit at a bar and have drinks and talk about their life and your life and all the little bits in between.

I'm falling far too fast for a man I've known for 2 hours.
And he leaves the country on Monday.
And he's back in August.
These things happen in movies.
Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
Whatever way around it was.
But the drinking in the afternoon
And the random topics of conversation.
And inviting me to your last gig in a shabby little pub on a Sunday night.
These scenes are made for film screens.
Not for my small town, broken life.

I know you 1 day and you make me feel untouchable.
****.
Ruth.
Don't fall.
Not again.

Town was packed.
But today was a good day.
I noticed you as you put your guitar down from a long hard days work.
We said hello.
I have no idea who you are but something about you makes me feel a certain kind of way.
We start talking, I asked when you were playing next.
You said in 5 minutes.
Great.
Wait.
Where?
Oh another street in Dublin?
Awesome, I'll come.
We walked and talked a bit about ourselves.
You were from Australia.
Halfway over the other side of the world.
We sat in that old coffee shop/pub.
Wait weren't you supposed to be playing again?
We talked for almost two hours.
Then we went our separate ways.
You go back to tour on Monday.
But you invite me to see you again on Sunday....
I don't know much..
But I know I will be writing about you for quite some time..

It's been 494 days since you left.
Wow.
You would think I'd stop writing about you.
We were together 237 days.
It seems like nothing really....

And I've known him for 287 days.
And yes he makes me feel better but he doesn't love me the way you pretended to.

I'm going crazy
Sleepless since the night you betrayed me
Like a movie in my mind it keeps playing

It's too late the damage is done
Leave me up half the night like a re run
I think in going insane
And my heart is breaking

I've got you stuck on replay..
You're stuck on replay..

I can't stop seeing you
kissing her out in open view
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Stand and watch you make me your fool?

It's 3am and I'm fighting back the memories of you.
But you're breaking through all of my defences.
I just need to feel your touch one last time.
I might be greedy but I miss the nights you were mine.
Darling please.
Why did you leave like that.
Whispers in the hallways saying you would love to have me back....
But nothing.
No phone calls.
No messages.
No letters.
It's 3am and the only way you're with me right now is because my memory can't seem to erase any moment of when we were together.

Long brown hair
Foolish eyes
Broken heart
Twisted cries

How the hell am I pretty?

I rely on self destruction as a distraction from real life.

That's not pretty.

11.11

Love hurts whether it's right or wrong.

The ceiling seems to be spinning.
The way my heart unravelled itself the day you left.
The ceiling hasn't stopped spinning.

I'm not really myself right now.
And anybody I'm close to at this moment needs to understand that.
I will change.
Not quite into who I once was.
That girl is gone.
But I will definitely not stay unknowing forever.
I don't like the version of myself I have found now.
I don't like having to survive on self destruction.
I'm sorry for that.
I want to change.
I just don't know how to right now..

I feel the static in the air tonight
It's all around us and it feels so right with you.
I know you feel it too.
I feel the lust running through my veins
I need your touch before I go insane,
It's true.
I hope you feel it too..
If you were a bottle with a broken top,
I'd still drink down every drop.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I cant deny it.
You're so electric love.

Well something happens when you touch my face.
Some kind of magic I don't understand it's true.
I know you feel it too.
Well if you were a poison you would taste so sweet.
So pour a shot glass out for me.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I can't deny it.
You're so electric love.

I'm tired from the phone calls.
And I'm tired from no sleep.
Why did you have to go to university so far away from me...
And for you it's only 10pm
But here it's almost 3
And you're probably our with a drink in your hand with no care or thoughts for me..

I got too caught up in you.

Set me free.

I promise you I learned every detail.
I studied every inch of you.
To the point where I can't erase you.
My journals.
My mind.
Everything is full of you.

And now you're gone.

And I don't know anything now..
Because you were all I thought I needed to know.
And without you I'm a mess.
And everything up until this point has been insignificant.

I swore to myself I wouldn't get too attached.
I promised myself I wouldn't fantasise about you.
I knew there were many many other beautiful girls.
But I didn't know you were so **** charming.
And now...
I think I may have fallen.
For that I am sorry.
See loving you is a mistake.
Letting you in was a mistake.
I made a mistake.
And for that I am sorry.

Because I can't stand the way you love her.
And her friends.
And me.
And my friends.

You can't love all those people because souls aren't made for groups. They're made for pairs.

And after you...

I don't think I can ever find someone else who I can wholly love that much ever again.

Now I'm breaking at the cracks..
You couldn't bring me back..

It was exhilarating.
Falling.
Because I thought you would catch me.
But you didn't.
Not even close.
You caught the one who didn't fall for you.
You caught the wrong one.
Idiot.

Tuesday.
Cold.
Dark.
I was worried.
That gut wrenching feeling tangled my insides together so tightly.
'let's take a walk'
Oh no.
What did I do.
What did I say.
'here, Ruth....'
That's my name.
What happened babe?
'I'm sorry.'
No. No. No.
Speak.
Your voice.
Use it.
Why.
What.
'I can't do this anymore.'
What.
'I love her'
Who.
'we've been together a few months.'
Liar.
'I don't want to cheat.'
Did you ever love me.
'you changed.'
I cut myself.
'you're not as happy'
Of course not.
'I can't take it.'
Okay.
Then it was over.
Everything.
Gone.
The only reason I'd held on to life.
Eight months.
Disappeared.
My heart was numb for a second.
That gave me the power to walk away.
But in just a second,
It smashed.
Into a billion little peices.
Walking hurt.
Crying hurt.
The bathroom floor was cold.
I was that girl.
Alone.
On the ground.
Broken.
Then I found shelter in something I'd only ever tried rarely.
The sharp jagged metal launched by my very own fingers caressed my wrist just enough so I could distract myself.
He ******* destroyed me.
And my body.
And my soul.
And my mind.

I guess forever was too long for you?

Stories.
Poems.
Letters.
Daydreams.
When will I snap back to reality.
When will she leave her land of make believe?
Never.
I whisper as the thoughts dance and shimmer in the moonlight.

Have you ever wanted a break from love.
A break from falling that little bit too far.
Have you ever wanted to break other hearts.
Mending your own shattered thoughts.
Or maybe I just want revenge.
Maybe I want to know what kind of monster you really are.
Maybe I want to know exactly how it feels to have somebody break right in front of you.
Or maybe I just want to feel something.

I can't have it anymore.
I don't want it.
Just take it.
Take it away.

The first was easy.
Smooth.
Like a fruit.
Fresh.
I didn't feel too dizzy.
I didn't feel different.

The second was easy.
Sweet.
Tropical.
It was easier to swallow.
I was getting merrier.

The tenth was sloppy.
Splashes down my dress.
Your eyes watching.
Damsel in distress.

Then you walked over.
Too drunk to see my own reflection.
You made me feel worthy.
You made me feel beautiful.

Your hands were soft.
Of what I can remember.
The liquids numbed my senses.
I had no idea.

Your bed was cool.
Like the ice around my glass.
Removing my dress was easy.
I'd do anything in that state.

I don't remember much.
Waking up bruised.
I tried to get away.
More men than drinks in that room.

What happened to just your hands!
One is enough.
But these hands weren't so smooth.
Prodding delicate skin.

Wrists clearly shown.
I guess they knew what a mess I was
I guess they knew i'd be easy.

Well they were wrong.
And so was I.

The first few drinks are always easy...
But the morning after can be utterly devistating

I'll never find the girl I left at the bar.

I will forever be a peice of those awful men's hearts.
If that's even what you can call them.

Letters.
Beautiful words handcrafted in your own unique way.
Much prettier than an email.
Or a text.
I think I'm the only eighteen year old that would rather write you a letter every day than a text message.
So please.
Let me show you just how much I care.
Let me pretend we're perfect for each other.
Because the words that are spilling from your throat at 4am are beautiful.
And I'm falling far too fast right now.

Have you ever found a new favourite thing?
And the old things are forgotten..
Or disliked..
Well that's how she was.
She became your new favourite thing.
Leaving me in the shadows,
Pondering what it meant to be alive.

I get happy sometimes.
Right now I'm happy.
I like it.
It's refreshing.
The happiness fills me.
Right to the top.
I love it.

I don't want to be broken anymore.
This shattered heart of mine
It's my noose.
The bruises and the scars
They won't fade.
But you. You think you can fix me.
Not a chance.
I whisper as the cold metal works it's magic.

****
****
******

Maybe I'm growing out of you.
The way I grew out of my favourite sweater.
The way the trees grow out of their leaves every fall.
But maybe I never really loved you.
And maybe your words were meaningless.
And maybe I'm an idiot for falling.
But I fell.
I fell for all those stupid lies.
And you don't even know it.
Or maybe we both changed just enough so that we understood why it would never work.

What's so bad about it?
I mean it's not your body.
It's mine.
I can do whatever I like with it.
I don't see why silly red lines that make me feel something upset you so much.

I guess guessing isnt enough to keep up a healthy relationship.
And I guess I should stop saying 'I guess' so much..

The suffocation of my thoughts in my chest make it hard for me to take those much needed deep breaths

It's almost 2am.
I'm kind of laying here in the hot, unnatural heat.
I miss you a little bit.
My insomnia has been bad lately.
I guess you're okay.
I'll just write about you for awhile until I drift off into the colourless world of pretend realitys promising to bring you back to me.

Life is a beautiful condescending labyrinth of emotions. Some of us just get mixed up in between it all.
Feeling nothing.

To understand you must be fully understood by yourself

I don't know.
I've just come to terms with the fact that I might love you.
I locked eyes with you for zero point three seconds.
But in that moment something clicked.
Maybe you have a lover of your own.
Or maybe you're mending scars.
But maybe we could work.
So many people pass by countless opportunities every single day without realising what they are letting slip
Away.
But not me.
I think.
I write.
And that's all I do.
And maybe that's worse.
I keep on thinking about you.
I don't deserve you in my messed up thoughts. Who do I think I am?

You know when you feel him lean in and press his soft lips against your skin? It felt like that.... Only more violent. And the marks weren't nearly as permanent. Those kisses will be with me a lifetime. Those bloodstains can wash away in the showers of my tears.

What was what