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Moni Apr 2018
1-800 Help me I'm dying
And I don't want to keep lying to my family and friends
1-800 depression never ends
I spend hours alone in bed,
Wishing that I was dead
1-800 I can't do this anymore
The door to happiness has can't open
And I'm left with a broken mind
1-800 My pain won't go away
I can't stand to last another day with my mind
Its like I'm blind to happiness
1-800 My tears turned to red
And my mind became flooded with joy
Of the numbness I caused
1-800 I'm done with life
I took a gun against my head,
Pulled the trigger and now I'm dead
Moni Oct 2018
Searching for all the metaphors
Of a broken heart,
Yet there's nowhere i can start.
You're the only thing left
In my mind
That i can't even find
The right words to speak,
As the ink
Spills on my blank sheet
Of paper
I was watching the office and that somehow inspired this
Moni Aug 2018
Burn your skin. Burn your throat  
With a cup of gin,  
Don't pretend that you prevent  
A red glow searing in.  

In your soul no control,  
Through the skin and through the vein,  
The edge of pain can drown it all,  
And gin cuts the pain.  

Cold as blade, then searing hot,  
The words so soft and nice:  
A carefree home, no lighting rod,  
Before you struck it twice

Burn your soul
Because the wounds on the outsides
Are unlike the ones on the inside:
They will always heal.
I  made the original poem better
Moni Apr 2018
Callarbones & ribcages
The only love of my life.
They made me want to strive
They were the drive that kept me alive
As I cried in desperation for their inspiration,
They were my justification for isolation

Collarbones & ribcages
No more dreams,
No more love.
My motives came from a non-existent light above
A light filled with hates and lies.
The lies that struck me like knives

Collarbones & ribcages
Exercise drills and diet pills,
The image that kills.
Because beauty is pain,
Ana will make sure you die in vain
Moni Apr 2018
It's funny how society shows us how to opress

The depressed teens and adults of this generation.

“It’s just a phase”

“I had it worse when i was a child”

“Attention seeking liar”

“Get over it”

But maybe i can’t get over it.

Depression turned my once happy stream of joyful thoughts

Into a rainy, dark pit of sadness.

A pit only to be filled with

Helplessness, insomnia, self-destruction, and a little madness.

This illness has broken me

I feel like I have to carry the burden of darkness on my shoulder

And each time I try to get better, I regress.

The only way to repress my feelings is to let

Niagara Falls drip from wrists, to my stomach, to my hips, & to my thighs

And hide it with a mouthful of lies

My inner demons gained control over my brain,

Bringing me so much pain that it became hard to do anything.

Even eating became a chore

Because it was hard to eat when I can’t even look in the mirror without fear

Of the Image standing in front of me.

Ugly, worthless, stupid

You don’t even have the drive to stay alive,

So why care about yourself or your health?

You’re better off dead.

But of course, it was all in my head, so no one understood.

No one understood that i stayed up til 4 in the morning

Having a mental breakdown, with death on my mind.

I just wish someone could reach behind my mask and find the real me

The sad me

The broken me

The mentally drained me

The me that has been drowning in my own darkness for years now
sorry if its not the best.
Moni Aug 2018
I don't know weather
I'm digging my grave
Or my past,
But I hope this feeling
Doesn't last forever
man, life really *****
Moni Aug 2018
Call my scars ugly
Because I've never seen them as beauty.
Make fun of how I lost my sanity
For numbness.
And yes,
Go ahead
And call it teenage angst
Because you can't seem to find the line between
Phase and disorder.
I fought so many battles against myself
That you can't even imagine.
My scars on the outside
Only reflect little
Of the many scars I've left on the inside.
You may see my arm
Covered in scars as me once seeking attention.
While you are not completely wrong,
I can't even begin to explain
How wrong assuming could have been.
I lost my pride and disgnity for these scars.
Assumptions like yours
Are the reason I try to keep
Them hidden.
Why I, for so long,
Thought they made me ugly.
But really,
They are just an ugly part of my past
And beautiful reminder of the present.
So next time you see my scars,
Don’t stare,
Don’t assume,
And don’t call them ugly.
Just walk by
And see me as a normal human being
Moni Jul 2018
The beauty of a broken land,
Where each and every man
Took up his own fight
And fought it with all his might
. I really should keep learning Gaeilge (irish language)
Moni Apr 2018
Hello thigh gap
As soon as you just about 2 weeks and 4 months away,
I was left astray,
Betrayed by my own delusion of beauty
And illusion happiness

Hello thigh gap
They say the apple doesnt fall far from the tree,
But I learned that didnt aply to me when I was three
Because I will never be like my mother

Hello thigh gap
I can't eat without beating myself up
I am such a mess
That I still can't fit in my old dress

Hello thigh gap
I want to be like those girls on tumbr
But im not even remotely skinny
Nor am I pretty

Hello thigh gap
I cant stand this self hate
Its my one fatal flaw
That might just be the end of it all
This may be triggering for some ppl
Moni Jun 2018
Pretty petty perfection,
Looking at my reflection,
Wishing for any form of validation
That my suffering means something.
My body burning, aching
From last nights purging.
Oh how much worse it could have been.
Going out of my way to seek attention
That I  desperately need
While not wanting it at the same time.
People judge,
But they do not see.
They don't see what's behind the suffering.
They don't see the burning
All over my body.
They do not see me crying myself to sleep every night.
They don't see me holding on to everyone tight,
In hopes that maybe they won't leave
Maybe it's a way of feeling better about myself,
To see how well I can hide so much pain,
But it's better to hide the mess in a closet
To appear clean
Moni Jul 2018
If your mouth spewed lies,
They could slit my skin like knives
Sharper than
You could imagine.
They would be
Before that could ever happen,
I surrendered
Taking my own knife,
And hurting myself
Before you ever could
Moni May 2023
I am the memories that haunt me
The demons that hold me down
And paralyze me with fear,
The ones that remind me not to trust
The ones i hold dear.

Sometimes I wish to forget it all,
To run away,
Hoping to numb the pain
From the scar that has yet to fade.

I am the memories that haunt me
I can feel it in my body
The aches and the terror,
The screams,
The cries,
And the pleading.

Sometimes I can still hear your voice,
See the way you cowered in fear,
Holding back the tears,
Hoping he would stop.

I was the spectator that was too scared
To speak.
I wish i had screamed and cried,
Pleaded for it to stop
But I froze as the lump in my throat grew
And I struggled to breathe

From that moment on, I surrendered my voice,
Changed my way of being,
Hoping that we would one day flee
From these blood stained walls.
I may forgive
But i will never forget
Because I have become the memories that haunt me,
The scar that never heals
Moni Jul 2018
When calories become evil,
When diets become starvation,
When 90 pounds becomes fat,
When the scale becomes a shrine,
When life doesn’t feel worth living,
When 3 hours of exercise becomes normal,
Someone starts dying
Moni Aug 2018
I don’t want to shed another tear,
I don’t want to burn my precious skin.
I don’t want my heart to ache another second knowing that I’ll never be good enough for you
I don’t want to be emotionally numb
I don’t want to spend another minute hating myself.
I don’t want to breakdown the thought of gaining a single pound.
I don't want to avoid human contact because of the thought that they will see me how I see myself.
I don’t want to love the feeling of hunger.
I don’t want to tear myself into pieces
I don’t want to see the beauty in the sick
I don’t want to weigh myself every 10 minutes
I don’t want to spend 3 hours pacing around my backyard
I don’t want to live in this constant l nightmare
I just want to be happy.
I want to be good enough.
I was to change for the better,
But it's harder than you think.
Moni Oct 2018
I hear the silent sound
Of people who aren't around.
I feel everything,
Then nothing.
My soul is always shaking
From the outside to within.
I would rather be anything
But this
Moni Oct 2018
let me see
the sun because
it's bright light
left my side
long before
i could notice
i used to seek attention for help, but i feel myself hiding it now
Moni Jul 2018
Bedrooms and broken hearts.
A place where a fire is easy to start.
Bruised faces and nameless
People to blame
For what started in you.
A small flame that used to light up the day
Slowly spread into a wildfire,
Damaging everything in its path
Until it finally stops.
Everyone seems to blame the fire,
But never the person who caused it.
They don’t look beyond what is in front of them
Because it takes 5 seconds to see a monster
And 5 days to reach behind the monster and see a damaged person
yes. it's about anger
Moni Oct 2018
I wish i could feel
Those dearly hated emotions
That kept me up for days.
The ones that broke me down
And put me through the haze
Of emptiness.
I want my life to go crumbling
Down on me like
Raindrops on a sunny day.
I crave destruction,
I crave self-hate,
I crave it as much as an alcoholic
Craves alcohol
Because I don't deserve to be fine.
I don't deserve happiness,
I want it all to go away.
The blade that left
More than figurative scars
Is so tempting,
Yet it doesn't feel the same.
I feel pathetic and no good.
I want that blade to hit my skin
And be self-destructive.
I want to be this way again,
But i don't.
I wish I could be normal
I hated being numb, self-destructive, and sad, yet it's the only thing i know. I feel like no matter what i do, i'll never be happy with myself
Moni Oct 2018
My demons all fight
Over the music in my soul.
Oh how i hate
This lack of control
Moni Jun 2018
A thread and a needle
Can't stitch any deeper
Than you have gone
To my heart
dont ask why I did this. it shouldn't be published, but I published it anyways
Moni Sep 2019
I'm the shadow
Casted by the sun,
Feeling small
As the day's begun.

I watch people
With nameless faces
Go places
With no destination,
No purpose.

I watch them with
Bruised ribcages
And flowers blooming from their arms,
Pretending to be a part
Of the crowd,
Pretending to fit in.

Their hearts are shattered to dust,
But they fix it
With stiches and staples that turned to rust,
Pretending all the pieces fit

Their shirts are filled
With pins and needles,
that poke their skin
Pretending not to notice
The emptiness filling in.

But I stay put.
My shadow is too small to notice,
Too scared to move.
My mind is almost as broken as theirs,
But my door is fully open,
Not pretending.
Moni Oct 2019
Through the skin,
Through the vein,
It was a needle
That masked the pain.

***** after *****,
I kept going
Until I felt no longer sick,
Too weary to worry.

The skin goes red,
Leaving indentations
But they looked
More welcoming than

My brain is
No longer mush,
The fog
Pushed to the side,
I could finally confide in the light

My tears turn
To coal,
Burning at day,
No longer cold at night,
It keeps the sad thoughts at Bay.
Moni Sep 2019
I couldn't run,
I couldn't hide
So I kept a silver blade
By my side
Moni Aug 2018
You live out your life
While I bleed my feelings.
Oh how different we are.
Moni Aug 2018
I feel numb.
My emotions as empty
As my expression.
Thinking that maybe this
Can be this thing people call
After weeks of suppressing
All these emotions,
I so badly want to feel them again.
It’s that one missing
Piece to this puzzle
Of what it’s like
To normal and whole.
You’re living and breathing
Like a normal human being,
But you can’t fully function
Like one.
Your drowning in the lack of emotions
That you would even ****
To feel anything.
Even if takes
A silver blade
That tears apart your flesh
And your mind.
Moni Jul 2018
Pretty, skinny. perfect,
Everything I want to be.
Well, I mean on the outside at least.

You post pictures of your "great" feast,
But I know it was a binge.

You appear so perfect and normal,
But you shed that skin
As you become out of sight.

Anxiety, mental break downs,
And I don't even know what.

You don't try to hide it,
Yet you somehow don't let it show.
At least to those who you don't know.

I understand so much,
Yet I don't at the same time.

You are so skinny,
Yet you don't eat and call yourself fat.
I understand hating yourself so much,
You make yourself suffer.
I understand it is your only need to cope.
Yet I don't understand
How someone has never been fat like me
Is taught and told to hate herself.

I want the best for you,
But I still don't know how bad it got.

I just can't stand to see you look perfect,
While no one sees your pain, fear, or guilt.
If you're reading this, im sorry. you deserve better than any of what you're going through
Moni Sep 2019
I can feel the pain
I haven't felt in a while,
the tears I have yet to shed,
and the aches that don't hurt my heart.
Why is it I feel everything I have not?
Moni May 2023
I once held a pill
In the palm of my hands
And watched as it grew.
It had an intoxicating glow
That was too good
Not to be true.

I let go of my future,
Let go of the past
Until my gasps for air
Grew into screams
Too loud to hear
For the human ear.

My mind grew into
Never ending fear
Of the pill that grew
In the palm of my hand

I lived in the shadows
Of my own mind
Because i was a afraid
Of the darkness that grew
With the pill i held in my palm.
Moni May 2018
The pretty girls who spend hours in their room,
Counting calorie after calorie
As if each one was their last.
Shattering themselves into tiny peices
Until no one could pick up the glass
Of their broken ribcages
And crushed dreams
Wasting themselves away in order perfect
This might be a little triggering
Moni May 2018
There are no words that I can describe my pain,
Besides fear, sheer helplessness
And bottled up pain and guilt
That was eating away at my soul
Until I couldn't bear it anymore.
Control slips through my fingers
Like grains of sand.
I tried to fight,
I really tried
Lying to myself that it was fine,
I couldn't let myself believe I was worth anything
So I ran to the bathroom scratching my throat
Regurgitating the pride I had once swallowed.
And a lump of coal I tried to hide
Trigger warning
Moni May 2023
No puedes morir
Porque tu alma es bella y pura,
Brillante y rara
Y aunque sufras,
No se ha mancillado

No puedes morir
Porque aunque las drogas
Quitaban su felicidad,
Jamás faltabas amor ni humanidad

No puedes morir
Porque nunca te oí decir
que te valió la pena
Por tú valor,
Por tu escapa de la canción de la serena

No puedes morir
Porque jamás te dije que te quiero
Y aunque me duele decirlo,
Espero que un día
Oirás mis palabras
Moni Jan 2019
Scars say
The thousands of words
That never left my mouth
Moni Jun 2018
Delusional conclusions
Fulfilled by hallucinations.
Chasing the shadows
Of your internal conflicts
Tricked by your own brain
That everyone is playing the game
Called your life,
Feeling as if you were going insane,
Not wanting to blame- no, believe-
Your own family
Has turned against you,
But the voice in your head
Keeps shouting,
Telling you your own kids want you dead
And you fed into your own demons
Because it's hard no to drown when
You're in a large body of shark infested water,
No matter how hard you fight to survive.
Im sorry, this is just very personal to me. idk if it's good, bad, okay, or whatever.
Moni Aug 2018
My heart is trapped in the cage
Of your silhouette.
Chasing you through the shadows
And darkness
Moni Dec 2018
Take me away
The walls are stained
With sin and pain
That will never fade
let me fade into darkness
Moni Dec 2018
Dame tu mano
Porque quiero ir
Lejos de aqui
estoy sola en un mundo triste
Moni Sep 2018
Look into my eyes.
Don't tell me you are fine.
I'd rather watch you break down and
Listen to you tell these ugly lies.

Let your words
Break into sobs
And let me watch as your once red tears
Turn clear.
Please tell me why you
Still do this to yourself.

Don't tell me what I want to hear.
Tell me why you break down.
Tell me what you feel
And the things you fear

Tell me how you got stuck
In this rut.
Let me listen
And don't think you're the burden
On my shoulder.

You should fear for youself
More than you do me.
You should be free
From these mosnters in your head.
But they keep dragging you down.

You need someone
But you keep running
Until you're all out of breath.
I'll try to help and try to understamd
But you'll just keep runing until your death
To my friend. I wish you could get better.
Moni Jul 2018
the sweet, innocent, happy girl
I used to be, only 5 years ago, is long gone.
Thrown away like a pile of garbage
& replaced by a zombie
Fueled by nothing more than fear, anger, sadness, & anxiety.
Not living; just breathing.
If she knew herself today,
She would be terrified of the monster she'd become
While her dreams were crushed right in front of her
& swept away by suicidal fantasies
And abuse of ecstasy
She saw.
She would probably be wiped away
Because she would have never guessed
She would become suicidally depressed
& at the age of 17, addicted to numbness
That eased her emotional pain.
Cutting, burning, drinking,
Taking so many pills she couldn't even think,
While almost by the minute,
Her anxiety and depression only got worse.
But what would surprise her the most
Was how she could even think of ending her own life,
Because she always knew suicide was never the answer.
But I guess after 2 years of constant anxiety,
Depression, hoplessness, & a life that didn't feel worth living,
It begins to feel like the only option.
Most painful of all,
She would hate to see her own death,
When the tiniest thread
Of the rope that once fully held her life together,
Bringing her hope,
Finally broke.
Crying, dizzy from all the pills she took,
She grabbed her blade and slide it across her throat.
Ending all hope for things to get better.
I'm sorry I'm not you anymore.
It shouldn't have ended this way,
But I couldn't live like that forever.
It had to stop
disclaimer: I haven't gone through some of these things, I based them off little things I went through and what others I know went through.
Moni Nov 2018
With a mind endlessly spinning
And forever thinking,
My woes
And sorrows
Never fade.
Will be it just another tear,
Just another year
Of sadness?
Will it go on forever
Until it drowns in the depths
Of all the other days,
Wasted and faded away?
Or will it unfold
Great promises?
I'd love to know what
Awaits me Tomorrow
sorry if it's not great quality
Moni Dec 2018
It was both you and i
Who fell from the sky,
But i fell hard
And you spread your wings
To fly
Moni Aug 2018
The girl with a beautiful smile
A vibrant personality,
And a picture perfect family.
Envied and loved.
Not a single person to hate
Besides herself.
The things that nobody sees is when
She breaks down,
And every night
Hunches over the toilet
With a spoon in her throat.
Telling herself only one more time to be pretty.
One more time to be happy.
One more time to be loved.
One more time to escape.
One more time to get better.
One more time to stop.
She lets her emotions overrule
And demons take control.
Life shouldn't be this way.
Her father's a drunk, her mothers a drug addict.
She would do anything to escape this world
Of darkness,
But no one seems to know.
She puts on this picture perfect image
To protect herself,
Despite it killing her that her voice will never be heard
No one seems to even notice
The bruises on her legs and back
Or how she always seems to go to the bathroom
Every time she eats "too much."
If she told anyone,
They would hate her,
Her parents would hurt her,
And she would never have any hope
Of becoming the girl she pretends to be.
this poem is actually not really finished. I might delete this one later
Moni Oct 2019
We sizzle our skin
To burn away the sin
That breaks our bones
And tears us apart
From within
Moni Jun 2018
I like you,
but why do you like me?
I'm not pretty
Nor do I have an amazing personality.
I wanted it to be true that you liked me back
But I so badly don't want you to like
Someone who lacks
Any good qualities.
I mean, maybe it's the my insecurity,
But you could do much better than me
I hate myself
Moni Sep 2019
what's written
in red ink
lies pain
burried deep
enough to not
make a sound
Moni Aug 2018
my heart s k i p s a beat
Everytime I
       ­              O
My mind
Hearing your voice.
My cheeks B L U S H red
And my head
                       S             P           I
               G.                                         N
                       N             I            N
When you talk to me.
Why is it that I like you?
I hope he's not reading this
Moni Sep 2019
I want to strum to the beat
Of your heart,
Dance with your soul.

I want to pretend
Your name wont leave me
With sorrows
As soon as you go.

I want to make our last night
One you fight
To leave your memory

I want to watch as
Our last embers
Fade out of control
From the black coal
That turned to ashes.

— The End —