the sweet, innocent, happy girl
I used to be, only 5 years ago, is long gone.
Thrown away like a pile of garbage
& replaced by a zombie
Fueled by nothing more than fear, anger, sadness, & anxiety.
Not living; just breathing.
If she knew herself today,
She would be terrified of the monster she'd become
While her dreams were crushed right in front of her
& swept away by suicidal fantasies
And abuse of ecstasy
She saw.
She would probably be wiped away
Because she would have never guessed
She would become suicidally depressed
& at the age of 17, addicted to numbness
That eased her emotional pain.
Cutting, burning, drinking,
Taking so many pills she couldn't even think,
While almost by the minute,
Her anxiety and depression only got worse.
But what would surprise her the most
Was how she could even think of ending her own life,
Because she always knew suicide was never the answer.
But I guess after 2 years of constant anxiety,
Depression, hoplessness, & a life that didn't feel worth living,
It begins to feel like the only option.
Most painful of all,
She would hate to see her own death,
When the tiniest thread
Of the rope that once fully held her life together,
Bringing her hope,
Finally broke.
Crying, dizzy from all the pills she took,
She grabbed her blade and slide it across her throat.
Ending all hope for things to get better.
I'm sorry I'm not you anymore.
It shouldn't have ended this way,
But I couldn't live like that forever.
It had to stop

If your mouth spewed lies,
They could slit my skin like knives
Sharper than
You could imagine.
They would be
Unstoppable,
Unbreakable,
Unpredictable.
Before that could ever happen,
I surrendered
Taking my own knife,
And hurting myself
Before you ever could

Bedrooms and broken hearts.
A place where a fire is easy to start.
Bruised faces and nameless
People to blame
For what started in you.
A small flame that used to light up the day
Slowly spread into a wildfire,
Damaging everything in its path
Until it finally stops.
Everyone seems to blame the fire,
But never the person who caused it.
They don’t look beyond what is in front of them
Because it takes 5 seconds to see a monster
And 5 days to reach behind the monster and see a damaged person

I am the memories that haunt me
The demons that hold me down
And paralyze me with fear,
The ones that remind me not to trust
The ones i hold dear.

Sometimes I wish to forget it all,
To run away,
Hoping to numb the pain
From the scar that has yet to fade.

I am the memories that haunt me
I can feel it in my body
The aches and the terror,
The screams,
The cries,
And the pleading.

Sometimes I can still hear your voice,
See the way you cowered in fear,
Holding back the tears,
Hoping he would stop.

I was the spectator that was too scared
To speak.
I wish i had screamed and cried,
Pleaded for it to stop
But I froze as the lump in my throat grew
And I struggled to breathe

From that moment on, I surrendered my voice,
Changed my way of being,
Hoping that we would one day flee
From these blood stained walls.
I may forgive
But i will never forget
Because I have become the memories that haunt me,
The scar that never heals

No puedes morir
Porque tu alma es bella y pura,
Brillante y rara
Y aunque sufras,
No se ha mancillado

No puedes morir
Porque aunque las drogas
Quitaban su felicidad,
Jamás faltabas amor ni humanidad

No puedes morir
Porque nunca te oí decir
que te valió la pena
Por tú valor,
Por tu escapa de la canción de la serena

No puedes morir
Porque jamás te dije que te quiero
Y aunque me duele decirlo,
Espero que un día
Oirás mis palabras

I once held a pill
In the palm of my hands
And watched as it grew.
It had an intoxicating glow
That was too good
Not to be true.

I let go of my future,
Let go of the past
Until my gasps for air
Grew into screams
Too loud to hear
For the human ear.

My mind grew into
Never ending fear
Of the pill that grew
In the palm of my hand


I lived in the shadows
Of my own mind
Because i was a afraid
Of the darkness that grew
With the pill i held in my palm.

Pretty, skinny. perfect,
Everything I want to be.
Well, I mean on the outside at least.

You post pictures of your "great" feast,
But I know it was a binge.

You appear so perfect and normal,
But you shed that skin
As you become out of sight.

Anxiety, mental break downs,
And I don't even know what.

You don't try to hide it,
Yet you somehow don't let it show.
At least to those who you don't know.

I understand so much,
Yet I don't at the same time.

You are so skinny,
Yet you don't eat and call yourself fat.
I understand hating yourself so much,
You make yourself suffer.
I understand it is your only need to cope.
Yet I don't understand
How someone has never been fat like me
Is taught and told to hate herself.

I want the best for you,
But I still don't know how bad it got.

I just can't stand to see you look perfect,
While no one sees your pain, fear, or guilt.