Part 1: DESOLATE SPACES STILL
Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.
She has class at 7:30 the next morning
Paling in importance as it looms closer, its pressure now mere hours from her shoulders
Ants crawling across the sea and she’s had her fill of  the meaningless chaos
Chaos. From ordered civilization emerges organized institution, but those incarcerated can’t be tamed
Even zombies without worth run wild within the stone walls
So when another stretch looms before the lone wolf as she breathes in freedom, she can’t care.
Slipping through her mind is only one reason to submit. She whispers his name in her mind.
Tall, handsome, sweet, and funny… just her type and he’s right within reach…
If she submits and lets herself try
Loud hints in the soft and subtle moments make her feel like submission is worth it
Left to her own devices, she’d wander forever. But now she’ll have to make her way to class.

Part 2: Great Lakes
I entered into a staring contest with the nerd from English class
It was a deep dive exploration of the Great Lakes
Two great crystallized depths locked on me
They mirrored each other brimming with emotion
They were a river and torch to baptize me by fire
But it was just a staring contest
And afterwards she turned right back to her notebook
Completely unaware she’d left my soul spinning
Which leaves me terrified of how effortlessly enthralling she is
That her eyes have such power… and she doesn’t even seem to know.

Beer Cans
I remember the afternoon we spent alone in the woods
Putting bullets in beer cans
With amber filtered through the green
As if someone had taken reality and cocooned it in spider silk, softened.
But we didn’t embrace that softness, just left it hovering in the atmosphere
Because I was teaching you how to defend yourself.
That’s how I got you to tell me about the things your dad made you do as a little boy
And  impressed you because I understood why you cried for a week after.
That’s when I told you about my parents, a money marriage with fondness on a good day.
I remember the jokes you made when you kept missing
And I never forgot how your hands trembled-
You hated firing that gun, even at beer cans,
But I wanted to make sure you could defend yourself
So you told me I had a Lady Liberty complex,
And I said no;
I had a Mamma Bear complex.
To which you replied that I didn’t have an interest in being your mother,
I wanted to be your safety and your fresh start; your guiding beacon of strength.
And maybe you’re right. Lady Liberty and the Independence Day.
I won’t forget you as long as I live.
[Rest of the poem isn’t here, but is on Medium.]

Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.

I wanted to hurt her
Well, I wanted to make her feel what she had done to me
****** something precious of hers, as she had done me
Something small and insignificant
So that when she publicized her pain, no one would care
They’d say, it was just a trinket, not like it was valuable
But, oh, something worth so much to her and only her
Something that would make her understand just what she had stolen from me
Something that would give me a petty sense of victory, of evenness
I wanted what had gone around to come around,
So as she had sent pain to me, I thus sent pain to her.

I wanted to study her
See what was it about her that he desired
If not for brains, beauty, or heart
Then why did he hurt me for the sake of her?
I wanted to figure out why she was better than me in the eyes of so many
So I fixated on it without even trying and I learned more about her
And I think I understand now why he wanted to hurt me, for her sake;
I now know why I wasn’t good enough, why she was better than I was.

My sister is a beauty,
A photographer, an artist
And the best subject imaginable.
She is the main attraction of my coffee shop,
She’s the mainstay of Main Street.
Unlike every other woman I know,
She only carries her camera and her dignity.
And the gaze of a mirror;
Her plaid shirt, oversized even when it was mine.
A pair of tights earning their title
And sky-high leather boots, a rocker’s staple.
A cheesy beret, our mother’s bracelet.
Blonde locks like there are teardrops on her guitar.
And to complete the classic ensemble, Satan’s prized pearls:
The Cheshire Cat smile.
All tucked behind her expensive-as-hell camera.
And her phone, case with white box and black bow.
Just like my baby sister,
A photograph with a black bow.

More gold on her arms than in any treasury
That this state has ever known.
More kohl in her eyes
Than coal in any of the nation’s mines.
Her crown with gilded leaves,
Outshone by the melted gold on sharpened thorns,
Is one to rival the King of Jews himself.
And surely her bands are enough
To stop a gladiator in his tracks.
But it is her empire
That gives this femme fatale her magnificent pride
She cares not for her possessions
Only for her people,
For the men who ride behind her
Against anyone foolish enough to oppose.
She cares for her castle, a fortress of grandeur
And for the high court leading her world.
She cares not for shining armor
But for their knights, standing atop the walls
She cares not for her crown but for her throne
And not for any prince but her own son.
She cares for the Empire.
Her Empire.

If ever there was a spirit divine,
One force to rule all else,
He has spoken;
He has crowned his earthly queen.
Her throne carved of stone
And her face carved with courage,
She bade the storm quiet
And all the earth knew silence.
A doe at her feet, and sparrow on her arm,
Her Excellence sweeps away the troubles
With a wave of her delicate pearl hand.
Her eyes are hazel, burning to rival any ruby.
With ears so small she hears but all.
The queen, in comfortable solitude
And Divinity.

How sad, how tragic,
How tragically sad.
A girl with not fifteen summers of life
Holding a nation’s affairs on her ebony shoulders.
Such a pretty young thing,
Strongminded and headstrong.
So bright
And a truly sweet flower.
That head is far too young for that crown
But not a thing is to be done
To stop this flower from being crushed
Without crushing her petals in the process.

I don’t even want to know how she built it
But my new stepmother
Is wearing
Something made out of bones
It starts as a choker, thick and resting below her chin
It snakes down to cover her like a halter top would
Well, more like a scarf
Because it covers her ******* and leaves the heart exposed
Then it keeps going down, down
And drops off around her thighs
Long thin bones loop around her shoulder like strings, a tie
And is covered by a fur coat
Draped around her
As if it’s doing any good against November’s wrath.
My new stepmother
Never was afraid of intimidation.
Intimidation is afraid of her.
And, somehow, I’m not afraid of anything anymore.

A work of splendor,
God’s personal masterpiece.
As tall and as wide as a treetop song.
White as a winter morning
But only in the center
Gray goose down on the bottom
Blue-tinged on the top half.
Extravagant enough to drown out anything,
Breathtakingly miraculous
The woman it shelters, on the other hand…
A plain creature of no spectacles, average beauty
The cape this showwoman has donned
Doesn’t match who she is.
Which makes them both far more beautiful to me.

What I remember most would have to be
Her eyes
They were fashioned from ice
And their black depths were emptiness.
Ice, black ice.
She wore a gown
One that feather out to a full skirt
Of black iciness.
Her skin was glazed porcelain,
Her hair a platinum nest.
I knew when I first saw her
That coming near her
Would be a fatal mistake
But my sister found her enchanting
And that trance was a ****** weapon.
I only remember one other thing about her:
A dragonfly ring the size of a tumor
Soaked in blood, dominating three fingers.
That woman, I suppose,
Was completely built from ice.
Ice.

Though this day may never be touched by the light
And though no love come to hold us this night
And though I am years from your touch and you are worlds from mine
Hold the sliver of grace that someday I’ll see your eyes shine
Even if it feels like you’ve held me for the last time
The uphill battle of love is worth the hard climb.

After all the hardships we fight through for love
We will soon be reunited, free to love
There has come a time now when we must hide our love
But there will come a time soon when we’ll return home
And when you’re safe in my arms where you belong,
Nothing will be able to tear us apart.

Don’t you love me?
Don’t I love you?
Because with a love so true, so deep, so strong
We’ve created a love that can’t be broken
And that is worth it, isn’t it my darling
We aren’t touched by light but soon we’ll be shining.

That December night
Was simply an icicle
With a black and white moon dangling
The whole thing misted over in gray ash
And you were steaming by the river,
Charcoal with biting Pride
But I was a fire
Ready to burn, ready to rise, ready for any action I could sink my teeth into
And, so it was
The laws of nature required we meet
That December night.
1-9-18

Mahogany skin. Must be freshly polished for the way it shines.
Built tall, wide, strong. Must be the perfect tree for climbing.
Keen, sharp eyes denoting the scholastic decathlon trophies at home.
A pink drink in her hands. A black bag on her arm.
Her life is so full. And her face is so calm.

There are two kinds of girls with daddy issues
Type one, who continues the cycle lightning fast,
Never figuring out she is more than what her father made her,
And ending up crashing into someone who reminds her of someone she can’t quite place
So she burns and ends up with a man who treats her no better and beats the kids just the same.

Type two, who decides to be stronger and smarter and better,
Takes what she wants to keep and gets the hell out,
Goes on to marry the kindest person she can find
And starts a family in a warm home where everyone is safe
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------
If I ever did need a man, it would be the one I’ve got
He is kind beyond my wildest dreams and unimaginably loving
He treats me far better than I knew humans were capable of treating one another
He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t threaten me, he doesn’t even yell. Not ever.
He doesn’t insult me, call me his personal *****, his little ******, his ***** or his maid
He doesn’t operate on the assumption that I’m a *****, the way so many others do
He doesn’t ignore me, lie to me, disappoint me, undercut me, steal from me, laugh at me
This strange but beautiful creature treats me well.
He thinks I’m worthy of his respect since I’ve won his love. Wow… astounding right?

My ex man on the other hand,
Is not half that man.
He was so very like my father,
Cruel and cold and calculating and charming.
Maliciously charming.
Doting on me before those public eyes
Ragging on me behind those closed doors
He kissed me, sure,
But not as often as he hit me
And he could make himself sweet
But only after ignoring me for a few days
He treated me like I was his sun.
He basked in all I had to offer and knew that was a lot
But he looked at me with frustration and disdain
And he didn’t understand, didn’t care until I had left him
When I wanted to be strong, he put on his shades to weaken me
He turned his back when I wanted flowers looking up at me
But he complained whenever I wasn’t above and beyond what he wanted
He could do whatever he wanted to me and everything below,
But I was to have no effect on his life, I was not to disobey him, and I was not to talk
I was not to talk.
We were just the most perfect couple, until I ran for no reason.
We were so perfect until we were nothing of the kind.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
There are two types of girls with Daddy Issues.
And then there's me
Figuring things out as I go along,
Just trying to build some semblance of a happy life
With my trademark Daddy Issues

A true lady of mid-twentieth century perfection,
Everything about her is prim and proper:
Her soft skirt, baby blue and fresh from tea,
Her pristine blouse, white lace and tickling the neck,
Hands folded in her lap and angled to heaven.
No one would know.
She isn’t fresh from tea with Mother and Grandmother
She’s fresh from playing fast and loose
With three dead men.
She is perfection for a young lady
And ideal for a murderer
Because you’d never know what lies beneath what you see.

“How have you been?”

I know you didn’t mean for that simple question

To kickstart a full conversation about how much I want to **** myself

But I trust you and I don’t want to lose that

So I want to be honest with my best friend.

The thing about grieving

Is that it gets a little easier every day

And so I’m managing

As if I can feel some of my pieces go back to normal

But they’re sort of just slipping down. Down.

And my pieces… they feel so fragile these days and so lonely

Because I’ve run out of glue to make them believe they can go back together again

So now I’m stuck with old and ***** tape that didn’t work the first three times I used it

Which leaves me slipping.

And I know my body is slipping too

But I can’t really help it.

It just ***** when Valentine’s Day and Mardi Gras

And bereavement all fall so close to one another

And it ***** when the funeral is so far from the death

Because it’s just a constant stream of carbs, sugar, and fat

That I shouldn’t be eating but I need to

Because I need a grasp on real life, on Earth

Because I need an immediate way to feel like a person again.

Tonight I almost went back to the suicide spot

And sat on the cold steps all alone in the dark clouds.

But I worked out instead.

So, you see, I’m slipping while trying to climb.

If you think nothing is impossible you’re wrong
If you think it can’t happen to you you’re wrong
If you think for one second
That a suburb and a happy family
Can keep you protected
You are wrong
Simply:
Life is a game
And you’re out real quick
If you don’t know how to play
Complexly:
You will learn
What the real version of reality
Looks like when you’re wrong.

Your voice cascades all around me
Like bouncing waves whispering over my skin
Your little nod, the bright eyes within
They make my storm a little calmer
But I don’t know how to tell you that reassurance is beautiful to me
So I promise I won’t show you my heart
When I hear you join the boys who talk about me as if I can’t hear their attacks
1-18-18

Ask of me if I love thee
And surely I must tell thee I do
But ask of me if we shall wed
Alas, it is not to be
For thought of love in me for thee
Is not what God holds in the cards for us
I have promised my hand to another
He is wealthy and honorable
He is handsome and faithful
He is quite kind and sure to be the right husband for me
And yet ask me once more if I love thee
And you shall never receive a negative response.

The energy of a thousand suns cannot feed a hungry soul
The strength of s thousand suns cannot heal a hurting soul
Where are you
When I need you?
We’re Close as brothers
But that’s not our fault
We’re Far as strangers
But that’s not our fault
Life did this to us
Life made us
God decided what happened
Even if the guilt haunts me forever.
10-31-17

You are so hard
Your whole body is just firmness and strength
And I love melting into you
You are like the earth
And I’m the water
I soften your edges
As I flow through you
And you are my security
As you hold me.
12-21-17

The very first time I fell in Love with you
We were children standing on the grass
And we didn’t know a thing but I loved you all the same
And neither one of us knew who we were yet
But you loved me like there was no other option
The next time I fell in Love with you
We were a bit older
Standing on the bleachers screaming
Go! Go!  Go!
But I just wanted you to stay
You didn’t know how to make me stay
But you loved me like there was no other option
And every passing year shows me once more
You still keep me on my toes
And I keep falling in Love with you all over again
But nothing feels quite like that first time.
I still feel it like you’ve only just left me tingling on that lawn.
The strawberry lips, the peanut butter they tasted like
The smell of you, the way it hit me that morning like it never had before
The flush in your cheeks when it was over,
And that blessed twinkling spirit in your eyes, a look only for me.
Nothing quite like it, nothing really compares to the first time I fell in Love with you.

His voice is a smooth velvety depth
Full and rich deepness like rushing blood
It calls to mind summer sweetnesses
Like ice cream, the kind you only find on a boardwalk by the tumbling waves
Like basking in soft sunlight on skin,
Cool water in your best friend’s pool
If only there couldn’t be too much of a thing,
If only depths could be infinite in safety
Because I know I wouldn’t be the first to drown
I wouldn’t be the first to fall for sunshine and get burned,
Not the second to feel home in rich depth and forget who I was before,
Not the third person to say I could tread water up to my neck and find I couldn’t.
1-15-18

I went through a point in time,
A period actually which lasted for about three months where I didn’t function,
And then I went to this animal shelter
I guess I figured I might as well do some good in the world
If the world wasn’t going to do any good for me
And it was magical beyond my wildest dreams
Because that’s where I found all these kittens
Before I knew it Luna and Sola and had stolen my heart
Later I found Starr who was known for being evil in the same way I was
So I adopted the lot of them
And they made me feel like I was living,
Brave.
But I only felt brave when I had them
So that’s why in pretty much every picture of me during that time period
I am toting at least one cat
I didn’t even like cats
Until I came to depend on them
Well... now it’s me, Luna, Sola, and Starr
A family. Alone in the world but still
Family.

Big unwieldy reputation
Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long just striving to breathe
And so I’ve managed to teach myself
Some people can’t be trusted
Can’t be trusted at all
I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting
So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks
And so I’ve managed to get good and things
Like running, and hiding,
Reading people and situations
I’m done letting myself hide from the light
So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust
Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.

No more fear and no more trust.
If I’m supposed to be a witch,
I will be a witch for them,
And however I want to,
I will show them what burning is.

I walk through a hallway, complete dark.
I am only aware that I’m in a boxy maze.
I wander through the rooms, guided by a pulling spirit,
Room after room down long corridors
With no light but a flickering candle that rests at the end of the wall and moves as I do.
I am lost. I curse it all. I sink down.
Until finally there is a room unlike others,
Finally a window. Moonlight.
Grass, long and wavy like on my childhood estate. Doesn’t grow here.
A child standing in that grass.
The figure, just a small shadow built of wisps, rises to the window.
I back up. I am afraid of the child’s face.
The child does not care for my fear.
The figure steps toward me. I run. Can’t run.
The room is suddenly illuminated,
Like stage lights rising.
Her face pierces me at last;
And she opens her mouth,
“Remember me, mom?”
I wake with a screech. Blessedly I am alone in my darkness,
A dark cracked by the streetlight so close.
“Remember me?”
------------------------------------------------------------­------------------
It was just a child I tell myself,
Just a child. Nothing to fear. 
After I get back to sleep
All that comfort goes away
Because now I’m in a big open room
A party. My seventeenth birthday. 
I was a Halloween baby and tonight oozes the sweltering heat no one likes
If my mom was here she’d stroke my hair
And tell me I have nothing to worry about 
But my mom isn’t here
If my dad was here he’d squeeze my shoulder 
And tell me to simply approach the situation with logic and factual reason
But my dad isn’t here
I’m alone, in this big crowded room
Of people here for my seventeenth birthday 
And I’m the only one not smiling
I must be the only one who says the gray
It’s actually closer to black, like smoke
As if someone set the ****** place on fire
A dark spirit. An evil presence. 
It coats the ceiling
It fills the corners
It swallows the doors
What it lacks is the smell of smoke
Overwhelming odor. Salt. 
Emotions. Broken promises. Love, dissipated. Fear. Very much alive.
It was never to be.
But it was just a child.
----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------
Interlude
I’m still dreaming.
Still remembering.
----------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------
The Nightmare
The nightmare isn’t over yet;
The apartment isn’t empty.
There is a man in here with me
And he keeps touching me.
He forces me down to my knees,
He hurts me everyday now,
No more resting, he says.
I’ll never rest again.
The smoke is white this time
Infused with color like a crystal ball
It curls around itself
As it cowers in the corner,
The one with the couch.
That ****** couch.
Again- an odor. Salt.
I hate it here. Hate him.
Salt, stronger by the second.
Salt. It gets too heavy to bear.
The white smoke… moving
Swirls, swivels.
Turns out it has eyes
And unlike me, it isn’t afraid.
Stares me dead in the eye. Dead.
“Remember me, Mom?”
Screams. Salt. Swirling.

I had a teacher once-
Actually, I had him for four years straight-
Who wasn’t quite like the others.
I hated testing with him.
He insisted it had to be individual,
So he could really know everything he had to know about us.
It’s only a few times every couple months
But still, it’s a nightmare no one is ready to endure
He’d take you into a teeny, tiny room
Lock the door. Lock the windows.
Pull all the shades down.
It’s very important you be alone, in a cocoon of privacy.
And you have to make music for him;
You never know what he’ll ask for
But once he asks you always have to do it,
Exactly how he likes it.
Even if how he likes it really isn’t right.
He calls you “darling”, “honey”, “dear”
But you know he doesn’t love you like he pretends to
Because it gives you chills, and not in a good way,
When he strokes your back or touches your shoulder or arm
He always has to be making eye contact with your chest
But that isn’t why none of the boys ever have to test.
All the girls get it though, have to wait in line for it
He stretches the process out so it takes weeks to burn through all the girls
I think he likes that none of them have a way of escaping;
I didn’t escape until right before I reached high school.
But I still call myself one of the luckier ones
Because most of his girls still haven’t escaped testing.
The tests will be extra long today. “We’re halfway to goodbye”, he’ll say.
“A lot to do today,” he’ll tell them. “You can’t escape this, line on up.”
He controls what you wear and how you stand,
He guides your arms, so they only go where he wants them to.
That tiny room is a prison, and I’m so lucky I escaped.
But the story will not end as long as I’m alive.
It was a few months after I set myself free.
I was walking down the street, feeling much happier than my 14 years.
And it felt like the world was pretty and fine.
Until I walked past a group of boys who thought I was pretty and fine.
They swooped in, catcalls aplenty;
I ignored them. Outrage.
They grabbed me.
And by time I was alone again, boys nowhere to be seen,
It felt like nothing was fine,
And everyone was a predator
And it forced me to dwell on the facts
That I don’t feel brave or strong anymore and…
That I don’t know where the old me ran off to and…
And…
That I’m not fine anymore.

Cross my heart and fully hope to die,
Everything about me is a lie.
We can teach one another how to soar high,
But everything you know about me is a lie.
Cross my heart… The real truth…
All I ever wanted was somebody to love me
All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free
I don’t need or even want any of this stuff
I don’t need to do or say crazy things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
God’s honest truth, I confess I am not like you;
I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last
And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing
My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture
I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know
I only act because it hurts way too much to think
I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose
I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be
Cross my heart… The real truth…
On God’s name, I swear it
I am not the person you think I am,
I’m a rock in that person’s shadow
And soon to be a rock in your show
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I cross my heart and hope to die,
These words are more of the real me
Than I have ever let you actually see
I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:
This is the truth, and it will **** me.

Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?

Act like a lady,
Be a lady.
Being a lady means you can take it.
You. Can. Take. It.
Because all your life you have been trained by specialized warriors,
Trained to take whatever he world throws a ou
Like a lady-
With grace, and dignity, and strength, and courage.
You a braver than you know,
Stronger than you know,
Smarter than you know.
Being a lady doesn’t mean you never doubt yourself.
It doesn’t mean you will never fail.
It means that you are capable of great things,
Things like grabbing the impossible by the *****,
Looking its demons head on,
And making it just one on the long list of your accomplishments.

I like them a little bit older
The ones who can get a bit bolder
I like them a little more mature
The ones who really know when they’re sure
I like them a little bit stronger
The ones who tend to last much longer
I like them a little more fiery
The ones who can fill up my diary
I like them little bit braver
The ones who chase a bold flavor
I like them just a little more ready
The ones who are almost ready for me.

I want to know you like the path to the Heavens that pulls me toward all things good and bright
I want to feel you like the kind of passion that burns and devours soul after soul in all-consuming fire
I want to touch you like these shaking fingers have never experienced anything from your world
I want to hold you like that breath that will remain with me even when it’s long gone like you
I want to have you like we can make ourselves believe there is nothing to life but you and me
I want to breathe you like my lungs are giving out but holding on all at once
I want to do you like a narcotic I’ll overdose on before anyone even knows I’m over my head
I want to love you in that indescribable way everyone calls ‘true’, a way I’ve never known love before
I want you.

It is dark and cramped and this room
But it is private and serene to me.
Beneath my feet the water rushes up and down, up and down
The smell of salt washing the air and calming my nerves
He would tell me this is exactly right, not to worry
The smell of salt wrapping around my shaking legs,
He would understand the way it holds me. The way he does.
The smell of salt holding my trembling hands
He caresses my fingers, plants soft and sweet kisses on them; just like this.
The smell of salt nestling in my windswept hair
He likes the smell of the ocean, he won’t mind it
The smell of salt soothing my brain with its marine tendrils of happiness, of bliss
He is a man of the sea, he’ll know why his bride came here to collect her thoughts

The ship rocks, lurches, rocks
This is nothing compared to the storms I have weathered for him
But no bride truly wants bad weather on her day
At least, no bride whose heart and future is bobbing on the sea.

The smell of salt wraps an arm around my shoulders
He is the one who gave me the words for this feeling.
The smell of salt sweeps my dress around, blowing it all over the place
He would smile if he saw this.

And the smell of salt reminds of those words spoken, years ago,
And the smell of salt tells me who I am:
“Isabella, you are my perfect bride,”
Of course, his hair had oozed the aroma of sea salt as he held me that night
My sweet sailor, always wearing sea salt
And Isabella, his perfect bride.
And the smell of sea salt, ever a guiding light.

She was a stranger to limitations
She held in her agile mind a vast wealth of information
But there was nothing she knew better, nothing that came more naturally to her
Than disguising her existence, slipping a veil over the entirety of her spirit
She pressed herself into the background like smoothing the glued edges of a cutout to the paper
It came so naturally to her,
This stepping back and allowing the darkness beyond the spotlight to absorb her.
In her heart she loved to shine, but her sparkle was naturally a subtle one,
Just a nod to the brightness that lay in her eyes. And- oh- those eyes!
By all accounts they were lovely.
But she never used them, some said.
She was not the girl to meet your eye. And naturally so, for there was something about her eyes
Something, you see, that made her… the stuff of legends. Dangerous, mysterious, ethereal.
And so her sparkle came only to those who really and truly looked
But that select few was said to be wonderfully lucky.
Because the natural beauty she possessed was something else indeed if one were to behold it
Not that too many were there to behold her
They were in the center, or at least as close to it as they could get
But she, naturally, had fastened herself to the wall
She was a natural flower,
Made to be naturally set aside and let be, she said.
So she slipped her proverbial veil over the natural beauty of her spirit
And let herself fade to near-nothingness. To everyone but her, that is.
But her natural beauty was still evident, not just to her, but to me.

My body pressed down by stacks of dictionaries and thesauruses
And people desperate to iron out my creases before they need to use me,
I lay flat against the map of the town, my cheek brushing a tree’s branches.
The paper town is pretty to perfection, all done down in diffused pastels
It’s long and tall, but it has zero broadness to its name-
A perfect match for me in those days leading up to a stint in rehab
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about rehab.
The river that flows unassumingly through town traces a line across my thighs,
Covering up with its blue murk the lil red scratches that paint my skin
But SHHHHH!! We’re aren’t allowed to talk about those problems either.
The paper town is quiet and quaint on the face,
Which is good given there’s not much else to see here.
The infinities wasted here linger below like the taste of peanut butter
But anyone could see from a glance the lives frozen in one serene moment
What they can’t see, the part that’s hidden under the soil, the second layer of paper
Is that the moment is surely fading into a photograph
And slowly, slowly, slowly… the paper town is home only to pathetic paper people.
Picture perfect. Perfect picture.
I can feel my heart disintegrating with each passing day I can’t give it any meaning
And I can feel my blood boiling with each day the powers that be control me and I don’t know why
I can’t find any rhyme or reason that works for me, I can’t find a meaning to be me, or being this
I’m made of paper, blowing in the wind wherever it wants to take me
I’m a powerless slip of paper with a painted on smile fading in the brilliant sunlight I’m driving into.
I fade. I’m not even a fresh paper anymore.
But I feel doomed to be a paper forever. So I fade.

Let me love you, her luscious lips whispered.
Let me leave you, her bedroom eyes bellowed.
Let me own you, she insinuated to me.
Let me run you.
Let me break you.
I should have listened.
I should have loved her.

Let
Me
Love
You.
"Are you drunk?"
She hangs up.

Eyes roaming the room of riches
Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air.
Eyes roaming round and round and round
Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel.
Eyes roaming round the room of riches
Like someone getting ready for a takedown.

And those took me down.

You are desperate,
More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be
And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour
So you pop a pill
But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need
Not nearly enough of a kick to save you
So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night
And then three, four
But then a small handful
(well as small as you can get; because no one ever needs to know you forced yourself to squeeze some of those large handfuls back in the bottle)
And then six, eight
But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore
Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle
Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom
And four from seeing your friends
But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your…  situation
But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help
And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse
You only know a few things:
You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal
You are desperate.

This creature…
She lurks just around the corner
Her lips painted to perfection and pursed to prissiness
Her hips hosting hands, polished nails the color of Hell’s fire
Her eyes wild and dark, so full and deep, intricate curtains over the windows to her soul
Her hair cascading wild but under the chokehold of her need for control, constantly
And her entire existence… just

This creature…
She is a creature of the night, no doubt
But she is an essence of the broad sunlight
And she was designed to be the center of attention
But is simultaneously inclined to favor solitude
She craves affection, attention, validation, and such
But values her independence, her privacy so very much

This creature…
She knows no name.
She knows herself.

I figured out this game we’re playing
The first to acknowledge
How we used to be best friends,
Before all that stuff you did,
Is the loser.
But what happens then?
What do I get for losing a sick, twisted game
After I lost a sick, twisted best friend?
Because going through that sure gained me some things…
Turned out great, don't you think?

This game that we're playing-
The one where we don't interrupt the icy walls of silence building up,
Especially to remember when we didn't interrupt the bubbling giggles-
It's one designed to be played by two.
It's made for a pairing like us, I see that now.
And now that I finally understand it for how it is,
We have a game to play.
Bring on The Game.

Though this day may never be touched by the light
And though no love come to hold us this night
And though I am years from your touch and you are worlds from mine
Hold the sliver of grace that someday I’ll see your eyes shine
Even if it feels like you’ve held me for the last time
The uphill battle of love is worth the hard climb.

After all the hardships we fight through for love
We will soon be reunited, free to love
There has come a time now when we must hide our love
But there will come a time soon when we’ll return home
And when you’re safe in my arms where you belong,
Nothing will be able to tear us apart.

Don’t you love me?
Don’t I love you?
Because with a love so true, so deep, so strong
We’ve created a love that can’t be broken
And that is worth it, isn’t it, my darling
We aren’t touched by light but soon we’ll be shining.

The lady who is...
A sensuality profusion...
I fell in love...

The day of the dead...
An emotion profusion...
I fell in love...