Sometimes even in the middle of the night, sweet thoughts of you saunter throughout my mind. Sometimes I let it wander, and I wonder things which I'm sorely reticent I should be thinking..

I dream of you sometimes, whenever I end up dreaming at all. I wonder still what these ideas mean or what importance they hold; what purpose they possibly condone and implore, like a veil of undeniable curiosity drawing lines in sand that beckon and ache to be crossed either way.

Sometimes I wonder what depths these thoughts and feelings may behold beyond that pale fog of what is and "what if," and sometimes I let my mind escape the frail boundaries of reality and imagination just to feel that solemn place even for a brief moment. It pierces me deeply and caresses my very soul to feel your presence even without you beside me.

Thoughts of you whisper dearly to me in echoes of visions of things that have never happened. But I still wonder, even in doubt; I still imagine, even when I deign to ignore what pleasantries it instills to think of you in every fathomable way; and often when I do, my blood may never stand still..

In silent verbal graves, my heart wanders into things my mind has shown it, and it anguishes to understand what could lie beyond the gateway of this world to the one beseeched from within my head.

How simple it could all be for nought, not so far from being as fragile and fleeting as a mere idea, that the moments where I lie within the shadows of deceit to ultimately awake away from these thoughts and visions would be the only thing keeping those dreams to hold me in feigned tranquility: a place I'd rather never awake from to begin with.

I think of you, often, dearly.. I think of you, and I always wonder a million things: every part of your mind and soul. I think of you.

But I think to myself, most of all, if I'm eternally alone in these thoughts; and the night becomes lucid, and I sleep in trifling silence devoid of any dreams at all.

Still, I think, of you.

Too much loss
Too little time
Too far gone
Too many tears

nothing is colder than
a broken heart
on winter's heels

in shades of plastic yesterdays
the silhouette carousel spins me around
and around a cold steel cage

and it is your breath i want to drown in
setting free some broken wings
seething life and love and everything
from words we haven't even spoken yet

singing melodies and catchy tunes
we can play them all together
on our heart strings luring suns and moons
and we can watch them set and rise and fall
again and again forever

and the hopelessness would melt away
with a looming whisper of summer
silver-lining an echo of spring

Skip the winter baby
'cause i cant seem to want this
to feel so cold anymore
not without you
and the mornings in each others arms
with the bright lit sky breeding days anew
could keep us warm together

In twilight slumber rested death
Mourning for the loss of yesterday

My heart opens widely
Within my chest echos faith once more
Truer still the call of my name
It resonates down to the bone

In somber marrow through blood and sweat
It pierces intimately a callous facade
Standing forth upon a blackened gate
I call one last time "are you there"

Empty sorrows beget empty pleas
Standing now in silhouette lines
Crossing past the fade of light
Darkness consuming an empty heart
I await..

She whispers back..

"yes, I am.. my darling.."

In somber atrophy
Stale breath beckons truth

The heart dwindled
I choke on your words

We did it again
Dancing in halls we never knew
You woke up fate just to let it fade
Never pull on heart strings
Unless you're willing to take the reins

Stained flesh with satin fervor
Drops of lust, silver lining
The soft skin of an angel
Caressing, exploring every inch
Seeking purity in a place of mischief
Intoxicating resonance with every exhale

The sigh of relief on the horizon
Drunken with the sound of soft moans
Hands, together, firm in grasp
A torrent of devouring motion
Extricating virulent passion

I Love You, my darling..
Before I sleep, I'll trade whispers with the sky
and tell the moon all about you..

"A gentle sigh relieves itself from my lungs; the air escaping my lips echoing thoughts of solemn wishes.

I gaze your hand and think how soft they are in mine; your eyes, I see within and feel every word you share; such lovely shades of green caressed by hues of blue and orange. Every detail of you and your person embraced with purest intent, I revel in all that is bestowed; and behold your concerns with the same conviction. Your pains have become my own.

The stories you share tear my heart asunder; such harrowing misfortune bestowed upon you, I hear it in your tone and sense it from the tears you shed: you deserve so much more.

How such simple nuance can go unheard, unseen, or unspoken; such stifled cause and senseless negligence, how it could ever befall someone of such grace and sheer beauty, I will never comprehend.

You prove to me there is light on the other side; I see you before me no less a person, sharing our sight as one where our eyes meet as equals.

I crave to prove to you your innate value; to be a resolve you can depend upon in any time of need; to give you all you've sought but never felt or heard or seen, even the simplest of notions which should naturally be bestowed upon someone from another who truly cares.

I see you for who you are. I hear what you say. My heart breaks at all the wrongs brought unto you. You honor me with your affection.. I just hope for the privilege, someday, to prove and to show you what it would be like to be embraced by my heart.

Sometimes, romance truly is merely hopeless. Maybe just saying this aloud, scribing my feelings in secret are all ill ever have. Maybe not.

If we never have an opportunity to be more, you've set a stark precedent for all I've ever meant to find..

I think of you often, and always hope you fare well. Your strength and guiding sense of determination inspire me to be a better person. I could only hope that person, someday, may be something you'll want in your life, or even need."

I dream of simple things

If I were, and if wanted to save face
When I go, where do I find a strength to contemplate
All the unknowns that will follow

If I did, and if I wanted to just be safe
Would you keep me in a place you want me in? Or would I irrevocably become the disgrace

"My mind is everywhere right now.. [it] isn't focused on one thing when I have so much going on right now"

I know deeply. I know best, outside of it all. Trust me, it pains me every day.

From the sweet messages to our time together, there is an emptiness I can literally see. In you, between us: I can feel your pain, I can literally feel it, like it's filling my veins. I do truly feel it all.

It's never not on my mind, the struggles you go through.

The pain you feel.. I felt yours, while I still have my own. I embrace you, not knowing how or why, but as if it were the only thing I knew to do; like it was alwasy meant to be, meant for you; to be calm, to give you a place of reprieve.

Even if just for a moment I could give you some sense of peace, or even joy, I could know you will be okay. To see you smile, to hear your laughter, but in spite?.. I know, everything will be okay.

But until that moment, until a time when the dust settles and some sense of normality or goodness can be had without the sense of dread burning down the lines that keep one's bridges safe and secure, I can never be truly satisfied, or content, or even happy, on my own. Not that I would be incapable, but I would not choose to feel that without knowing you do too.

I would not leave you behind, I would not set you aside, I will never ignore you. Because, I've seen your soul; I've touched your aura, I know your kindness, and to watch an angel burn like that instills this rattling pain that resonates through me, entirely. It hurts, more than anything I've known before. It hurts me to know you're struggling; the indecisiveness and foggy mind..

In secret places you still remember, I know it whispers to you softly, all the things you wish you never had to know; and it breaks my heart over and over to know yours could ever be so broken right now, too..

I'm beginning to lose myself. You caught me at the edge of something, I found you mourning your soul out.

All I want is to make it out on the other side, where or whenever that is.  

I'm beginning to lose faith in the rest of everything, and I've been sinking incredibly fast.

You saw me near my deepest point. We were moments away from never knowing anything at all..

I became displaced by the very things I've always needed most: people. I became disillusioned from it, literally. I started to become numb again.

I simply want to find home, I've never had that.

I sent songs that I had hoped could speak for me. I believe music is my last chance to convey anything meaningful, anymore. But, more than ever, even the wonders and visions I used to get when listening; that feeling, it's gone too, and I don't know how much longer it would continue to be anything pleasant, or meaningful to me, or even felt at all.

I'm struggling, caught between the lines of the sky above and the water below as the waves keep grasping at my neck and twisting my body down to the bones like I was designed to slip into that darkness underneath.

Im fighting myself to not become entirely numb and mute. I'm fighting to simply not give up on everything, and everyone, including myself.

I'm fighting to survive, when before it was an idle battle. This is the end of that strife, the last battlefield I'll step on, because I'm tired; my soul is so exhausted and dense with the misery that others wrought from themselves and put into me; I'm sad, ridden with holes as empty as the space between my silhouette and my shadow

I'm staggering here on this empty field looking for any semblance of a visage or sign of who and what is entirely, and only; and utterly on my side; a clear design of something that not only would want to give me hope, but could instill it; because without just that, I know this war is already lost..

It quivers the edge of my lips; my lungs scream, but the words exhale silently and unknown through bated breath; they dance within my mind and slowly creep into the crevasses where you fell, too, within my heart in places I left for you to live in; sharing truths you can't hear yet, making stories we have not lived yet: those words permeate my existence, except within my eyes, as they can only see what truly is.

But that's my secret, my dear..

It's that clear vision that lets me know, those words can only be true.

Even after what seems like ages in a span of time you think you've become okay, it's the littlest nuances that seem to contrive your whole existence from a single face and bring about all the forgotten things you use to do, and say and share with one of the most important people in your life, in a single moment. You think you're fine, and you haven't a means nor a purpose to remember the things that hurt you, so you simply don't.

Then, one day, there they are: someone you thought you'd never see again, all the same someone you never thought would invoke this demonizing sense of regret that just breaks you down into the moment and rattles you to the very bone with antagonizing nostalgia. And the flood of memories return, from every midnight walk to every moment spent talking, smiling and learning from one another. And it begins to make you cringe and hurt inside that what once was is no more, and this friend will never be a friend again.

What a cruel irony to think what were lost in a series of unfortunate events would eventually - and even, once upon a time, you thought to yourself "hopefully" - disappear and mean nothing, only for it all to come back; that daunting whisper in the back of your conscience telling you "you still care" all the while berating the question as to why you do. It may seem and feel complicated, but it's always so simple: they held great value to your life.

The most painful thing to feel in life is to lose someone important to you, permanently. But, those kinds of situations are easy enough to endure, considering their resolve is absolute - you can't do anything about someone passing away. But when it comes to someone who simply had to leave because of merely bad circumstance, nobody teaches you how to cope with that. And it becomes an incessant pain wandering in the desert of the mind struggling, trying to figure out what, if anything, there is for you to do to fix it. The most aching question of all isn't "how do I get past this?" - No.

The most aching of all questions is, how do you convince a shadow to come to life?

I am the conduit
When feelings hit, they strike deep
Like lightning, unfathomable strength More fleeting than the jaded moments
It comes to fade like shallow breaths
But the scars remain
Reminding me of a forever, lost

Misspelled shadows
A creeping psalm of hope
I am the line crossed
I am the light lost
I am the entity that can't be found
Scorned by solemn apathy
I become the withered and unbound

Ransom unjust fate
Just to feel okay by yourself
You are the silence I seek
Courageous and unfettered by longing
My love seethes in empty corridors
Wandering past each frame of mind
Doorways leading to crippled lines

Threads unjust, no beginning or end
This woven featurette is yours to weep
Watch me dance hollowly on screen
Stepping over each piece of glass
Like the ghostly waltz of yesteryear
Find me there, underneath the crown of hate

I am the conduit
I am the fateless misery you strive to hate
Strike me down, fell my cause
Bring me to my knees
Misery seems to be my favorite mistake
The taste of your lips a listless waste

I've dreamt of you
and now you're here
even when I'm awake

It's raining outside. I woke up gently to it tapping on the window; the sound enraptures me, I kept my eyes shut for a time to simply embrace the moment.

It reminded me of "her," I felt that voice in every droplet that touched the glass; like those loving words and fluency with the hearts involved, I even felt it in the way the cold air caressed my skin.

The rain is my peace, my inevitable calm. It brings me a joy like nothing else, and instills a contentment unrivaled by any other nuance.

I sensed that there, because I've come to find: the rain, those feelings, they've always been her

Seldom do we find our own reality gnawing at the right door
Senseless guise and fruitless time arrived from feeding on the wrong domain

Indecision obfuscating want and need
Imploring absolution as an only means to achieve hope
Begetting desolation is the end result in spite of it all

We are found, when
We let go of what was tearing down our walls
We are done, when
The lie becomes the forged duality
We are lost, when
Hopeless dreams derive from tainted purity

Love is not a way to seek reprise
The heart demands a sacrifice of old
Each new dawn beseeches zero compromise

We either live long enough to see our desires through and die alone without surmise

Or we strive to push through all the insalubrious conjecture long enough to see what's true

Sanctity, depravity, hand in hand echoing
Peace does not become the solution until chaos has its way without vision
We see ourselves wrought through trial of flame
Burnt by years of decimating neglect, impoverished longing for what soul would embrace our own

I see you, and I see the sun; blinding impressions waking every eye closed by incessant deception

I seek you, and I feel the earth beneath my soles; through embodied disposition, resonating "you have begun the right direction"

I feel you, and I feel a place to call my own

I want you, and I find peace of mind to  extricate the withering denial of prior disappointment

I need you, we feel the stark contrast of what was and begin anew

I want to spend my time and effort creating stronger paths that lead us to where we both desire to go

And the rest is misery
Fiery contemplation
Delerious disposition
An exposé of all we aren't
Indecision left at the crest of dawn
Seething repitiore in words and meaning, disdained and left to fester away from all that matters of the heart

We are strong, and the resolute sinks in

We are proud, and misery's addiction fades into oblivion

We are meant to be, savory, undeniable, absolute, fateless but reliably designed hand in hand

You are the string cut from the edge of the woven cloth, I am the seam with withered edges; our hearts the hands that begin to write anew the chapter which binds our ties; our shared strength lies in the knots we bound

Suffer never again
Cry never alone
Waste no time nor effort
Be as one to behold

We are living apart, together
Someday soon, we live as one
We forge sanctuary beyond all weather
In due time, our strife be done

You are my revelry
You are my empathy
You are my fateless waltz into the unknown
You are my dawn, my night, my favored tone
You are my heart
You are my warmth
You are the glow with which I have to guide my path
You are my undeniable way home

But do you feel a semblance?...

She was the wind, and he the sea

Her soft kisses commanding his attention; his depth and breadth  embracing her every touch

Apart, two powerful yet gentle beings, existing in tandem

Together, a force to be reckoned with

That is the only love I care to be: unconditional, natural, unrelenting, eternal

I thought of you today,
It was grander than anything else

I gaze at you, and my eyes find home

As sure as I breathe, I desire you; like the rain desires to fall, like the light desires to shine; I fell for you, and my heart stays warm with days brightened by thoughts of us

There's nobody else like you; and just like that, when I realized this truth: suddenly, I couldn't find a means to care to look for anyone, or anything else. I knew when I felt it to my core, it resonated within my very bones.

I heed the sunset at my heels
Coinciding with an echoing call
It rhymes with scathing grandeur
A mellow cold bereaved of yesteryear

In pithy flight, shadows fade
Wicked whispers cry of somber fate
But tomorrow yields shining plight
Unfolding visage, insalubrious doubt
A sight beholds a spark of destiny
Two eyes shine brighter than the sun

Words fail to capture what the heart endures

A simple smile, a soft tone; bewildering, bewitching, casting somber tones of efficacious pleasantries

It wisps within, between the visage and paltry stoicism; it yearns to seek more

On sombre sands, a flower gently grows; does the night beseech its colors whole? Or would the sun set forever upon a glowing ghost?

Questions gaze at me like windows, cold and rife with frosting edges, the frame growing blue and stained with doubt casting shadows wider than the days are long

To seek solace, the questions wane; until tomorrow, wrought refuge in the arms of a voice that calls to things which echo "home" brings insalubrious candor

The only wicked thing here is believing truth is merely fabricated, and the destination can only ever be fantasy..

Silent morrow seethes with reverie
Disdain knows conscious plight
Such sweet tones, bereft of fate
A calling to behold the Black Rose

Awoken, seeing truth and trust
Beseeched by wistful grandeur
The spark which lights the fire, lit
Blanketed upon darkened doubt
Unrivaled in parity
Unknown paths collide in curiosity

Each day atoned by dauntless breath
Exhaled, in part, in effortless fashion
Connected by embraced truths
Such beatific composure sought
In empty eyes, the void refilled
Intrigue, compassion, the rose blooms

Sightless endeavor retains composure
Meandering thought
Heartstrings grasping at lovely ghosts
Amid a flightless trek of intrigue
Reprieve, connections awaiting home

To seek the embrace of their shadows
Faith breeds time to bear her visage
Both lovely petals, and poised thorns
Chance, beckoning to see it all through
My Black Rose echoes fate, untold
In whispers of silent fairytales withheld..

too old for dreams anymore
too young to die
stuck between a predicament and a fault in the truth that is the lie we all live

drowning with no water around; nowhere to swim, no shore to step on; as aimless as day in and day out: nothing goes right, nothing settles in

not until death are we all equal

I can be who I will be
And I will be who I can
But never would any of those be
Any less than all I am

You found peace among the storm
I sought blindly in the distance
Once, our eyes met; no more
Forlorn, begotten, but misplaced
Regret is my eternal lover
We will never be that sultry fate

so much to say, no time to say it
no voice to carry my words with poise and concern
no ears to feel the truth
the heart wilts, sleep becomes my only friend

i find myself trying so hard to just speak
but i do not resonate with anyone
and nobody seeks ghosts they can not see
abandoned, misplaced, undesired, misconstrued

left alone
solemn, broken, tired
indecision mires hope or plight
destitution commands fear in any endeavor

darkness creeps into places unseen
resolve becomes scarred fate
unconditioned, irrevocable, contemplation
death seeks the desolate man who can not fight anymore

help

i struggle throughout the day to find any semblance of hope or kindness that can show moving forward at all is worth the time, effort, pain, and grind to simply exist

i tremble at the most nuanced implications; i become cold, and my skin aches with sheer terror over being alive, striving to comprehend between each sunrise and sunset why the desolation hasnt taken me as of yet

and then the plot comes, and i break

each and every time i begin to feel the tangible sensation of worthlessness and hopelessness i cry; alone, harboring diligent conviction for everything i wish i could do

the actualization of mortality is an ever-present ghost haunting me where i rest, where i sleep, where i walk among the growing crowd of grey, listless faces. it overcomes my efforts, it drowns me in subjugating thoughts, flights of fantasy for the dream to give something meaningful; to drive change in a place, for things and people, that could bring goodness or kindness to them too; to deliver unto my own being a sense of purpose and meaningfulness that surpasses the mass mediocrity which suffocates this world and transcends my own hope to do good unto the world at large into something more powerful than words, or wishes, or dreams

i become overwhelmed with the cost of being alive, the choking sensation of doubt which derives through strife and worry for all things monetary which beguile any path towards meaningful philanthropy

in this world, only the rich can afford to live or be free of worry, and i wasn't designed for this world to begin with; i wasn't meant to be, literally, and yet i wasn't given chance or love to find the means for myself before the miring angst and pain which stifled me had made me succumb to it, as such

every choice begets a driving fear which cripples any means to move forward

i have been behind in everything, from everyone, for so long that it becomes painful to even think to wake another day, and the sombre grasp of reality that what given chance or hope or intent i could ever have for others, let alone this world, come crumbling down in an avalanche of susceptibility, vulnerability, and agonizing defeat - i wish nothing more, in those moments, to end my life

nothing and nobody would miss me so that it would hinder their efforts - there could be zero affect in the long run, something which i find peace in knowing: at least it wouldn't be of any loss to the grand scheme, or the short run

i would leave, as i was meant to never be to begin with

Writhen with doubt, stricken with silent fear

Stop
Falling backwards

I wanna spend my love on you
got me doing all the things I do
investing time and faith in you
you gotta do, what you gotta do

holding down listless commentary
sifting through every memory of us
building up, holding my breath
just to take a moment of you in

Stop
falling backwards
take us to the here and now
momentum breaking down

I wanna spend my love on you
distilled dreams caught me thinking
untold sights and sounds, dancing around in the clouds
questioning this way we livin'

Stop
falling backwards

If I could surmise us a plan
That wouldn't take much to bring us out of, it..
complacent, adjacent
but never close enough, to you

Oh, you..

Stop
Falling backwards
But I know where I wanna spend my time
and all I wanna do, all I want..

I wanna spend my love on you

I hear it in your tone, I feel it in your eyes, I sense it in the cadence of your voice and breath; I see what you think I can't, I know what you think I don't

You don't care

It's not a greater sense of uncaring for all things, but a lack of care for things that should be considered; and instead of finding a common ground, or using any reasonable sensibilities, you dismiss every bit of resistance to the insalubrious discontent you harbor through pure negligence, pride blinding you to the pleas of those around you

You stifle me

The disruptive, belittling nature of your distaste for anything objective has come at a cost; and now, I lie in limbo from your deflective soul: you never enraptured me, you never captured my heart like a true mother should; no ideal preface resides in my observations, but merely fact and law of emotion

You make me feel worthless

Introspect whispered into my mind, and it showed me a truth I never cared to know: you never even tried to capture my essence, my soul, my heart, or my love; you simply let things be as they were, and I was  merely incidental to your existence

You showed love in the most obscure fashion, but you never followed through; you never held any convictions to what you said, or with whatever you responded in times I needed you most

You're incapable of comprehending the implications of your words and actions

A ghost of a man, invisible to the world at large; ultimately haunted by his own reality - you showed me you could never care, because your only clause for dire intent are your intrinsic doubts for anything other than what you experience; your selfishness proceeds you, it condemns you, it mires you, and yet it's everyone else that are the only ones that feel the repercussions

You've never once said sorry to me

I know you'll never read this, but if I had one last chance to just convey the heavy-handed affects of your neglect, it would be: your actions, and inaction, stifle my own sense of care. You've left me in limbo, trying to understand how I should, or could feel about you; you've left me to question my love for one of the only people in my existence that I should be able to reliably known, for certain, love me all the same; you've garnered such abhorrent trends, traits, and habits that consistently, and constantly, rival everyone you come in contact with. The neglect has left my heart tainted, worried, and lonely; you've made me question where I stand, and where I can be.

You can't seem to understand how you're hurting people

That will live with me until you pass, and until the day I die as well. I'll never know what you truly felt, because you hide it under such a thick guise; a facade you've made out of what seems to be necessity, but mostly just arrogant dissonance.

You're not bad to people, but you're explicitly not good either

I don't know how to love you, anymore, because I don't comprehend how you love me. I don't know where I stand, I don't know where to be. I don't know where to go anymore with these feelings. I suffer through nostalgia for things I never had, and digress all intent to a lesser understanding of myself, for it. I suffocate near you, I want to weep yet cringe at doing so for not understanding whether you even deserve my pity, my remorse, my forgiveness, or my love.

I will never understand my own worth, to you

you were never bad to me, not directly, but you never were there for me in the ways I needed you most. you abandoned me, a long time ago, and I will never understand whether that's my fault, or strictly your own. My heart feels a sickness within it, one that makes my chest convulse; like nothing I've felt before. it's wrong, it's nothing, it's everything; it's impure, it's disdain. it's aching to feel anything at all, from you.

you hurt me, and you'll never comprehend, understand, or know why. Because of this, I know we will leave this world wholly apart, and I will never be able to come to terms with that; I will forever live with and inevitably die with that being my only reality

My soul feels sick

Silent pleas are meaningless in the face of overwhelming odds. The strength to move forward is not always as easy for some than others, yet the others who can afford such staunch accord seem to never comprehend how difficult a task it is to simply rise from bed.

The ones who see most seem to always be most blind to the qualms of those with such resonant concern for the pithy; even the innate ire of one begets the inherent ire of all.

Slowly, thoughts become tangible, changing from empty shadows to a festering aura. It leeches life from all things good and meaningful, and there begins the downfall.

Things which once were the epitome of joy - sometimes subtly, sometimes abruptly - become festering reminders of what once was; they sit rotting at the pit of a dissonant cacophony of sore misdirection, doubt, and unwavering fear, a solemn reminder of yesterday and everything which can not be had anymore.

Anger suffices where patience once stood watch over all interactions. In that brings suffering from doubt for all things said and done, all things come and gone, and all things not yet relevant, real, or existent. The agony builds in each passing moment, staggering and belittling; suffocation enduring, mired belligerent tones of sheer desolation sets the stage for a Grey, toneless perception.

Once stagnant, all fades away. Sounds echo broadly, profusely; words fall short in every regard; feeling stops existing, plight becomes numb: an emptiness no other void can retain or convey becomes standard, and the moment fades away becoming not one, but many. Becoming persistent, real, and the only thing true.

Emptiness suffices where a whole sum of love, experience, and joy once was. All things considered, nothing brings memory of such passions. Nothing breaks the void away. Nothing changes, nothing progresses.

Emptiness consumes everything, even rationality of resolution. All one can think of is escaping this nonsensical devouring void. But it's not possible, because nothing good exists here.

And the cycle repeats

I had a dream, I saw you there
You reached for me
I reached back

Your skin was cold as ice
Scared, you told me to awake
I opened my heart

I had awoken, but you weren't there
The dream is what kept me alive
I had a dream..

Stalwart shadows
Empty light eschewing darkness

This fog engulfs me
Doubt residing beneath my breath
No one fears, here
Nobody listens to silent screams

Contempt sets in
Emptiness guides dithered legacy
A shallow grave consumes the plight

Withering kiss belittles fate
Sultry, affluent, perfection lost
a damnation of intent
skewed by empty plight

endearing atrophy weaves no ties
cut from the crowd
whispers seeking place in time
Wreaking havoc upon sullen breadth

dreams disguise desire
the facade awakens every day
the ghostly touch of weightless hands
deliverance, mourning truth
each dream ached by sunder of hope
remiss of such light, I become mired

such calmness and good comes of the night
by day, there resides no such kindness by my side
I await, forever..

Alive, alone, derided through and through

You know you get me
But when I'm alone.. I become sane, again
troubled with the mess of realizing
reality isn't my forte, it's the dreams I live in
and the hopes I'm not given

Disdained, begetting songs of true fortune
You know it's crazy to think of anything before you
and even then, I realized I didn't have anything planned

I know you didn't want to see this coming
and neither did I
The silver linings are once in a lifetime
we get the chance to divine upon;
But there's never a greater time to behold except right very much now

I know you said you couldn't do it alone, but look at you now
stoic, yet holding your own
Tattered and barren but never too far from the hope we knew we needed
And it's a mystery why things never stay the same no matter how much
In the end everything seems to be
Invariably never changing

old habits dying with the wishes we had yesterday
But it's cool
I see you there and all I could ask of you is
Simply you

There's no defeat that is what we ultimately asked for
But I'll never presume what I have, what I want, what I know
It's all only what you care to choose
Your smile begets my own

By now, I feel, the notion has gotten a little overboard
the motion of it all being
Self defeating
Just as these words drip from my fingers
I can't stop seeing..

But they'll never change, unlike the rest..
And no, I'm not saying I'm anywhere **** near being the best
For you, or anyone
But what I can purvey is all the trust that's been given thus far
It's not natural unless it comes deep within our own hearts to convey
And I appreciate it, like cherishing a perfect day you can't forget

Because it came from somewhere knowing you well enough; deep down, among all the stricken dusty irony
Designed in purgatory, awaiting, sophisticated
the drudgery seems to fall away when we're just speaking at or especially with each other

But I still know, even in all of this, I am alone to think of such inspiring bliss
It comes off as moronic banter
Meaningless and disgusting just like the rest before me
But that's not me at all, and just maybe with time you'll get to know that best

You were afraid, then..
You'll be afraid tomorrow
and even then, I'll know never to impose
That's not what I want to do
That's not any sole truth
I just want to hear and know you're having a good day

All I could ever ask is simply you; and I'll be right here
Where we both fell in plight
Singing all the empty little things
We call life's, little, circumstances
Let's take chances, and leap into the unknown

For once, for good, for now; all spared meanings
Serving nothing and nobody proud, but rather still
Emotionless, soulless, deep and profoundly undertaken  
Shaken, wreaking havoc on their own flightless, droll, uncured soul

Sometimes we fall for the things we think are good for us
It echoes in the past as pain and regret
When, truthful, ironically
We tend to fall just trying to make a leap of faith on any first thing that brings us any hope to know "I'm okay" when in reality it's just false truths that bestow wrongdoing


And when something good actually happens upon our doorstep
The only way we seem to go is back, taken, breathless with deceit
Convinced what's here and now isn't anything that's good or worth our time
Irony seethes there, cold and barren
You never know, until you just know..
I'm talking about a true leap, in the right direction

Not desperate, or disparaging
Not profoundly meaningless or unshaken
Something bold enough to cover the scars and defeat with a kindness, a goodness, a righteousness strong enough to say
"hey, I think I'm going to be okay" and nothing more simple or complex as that

And if you want to get up and walk around, we'll so do I; and I could never want for more than to simply have the pleasure of spending that time together
Against all odds and defying all the redundant nuance

Derided, through and through.. Lost but never alone
Gone but never too far
And all I could every truly, simply, kind ask for is..

fate befalls coarse dissonance
heartfelt plight, undoing thralls
stalwart cries beckon home
staunch hope redoubtably prevails
pithy, barren, crass, vile
Morose echoes, tinged denial
bemoaning daunting harrow

withered bridges surmise winter's defeat
water flowing effortlessly beneath
ineptitude solemnly secedes
decaying frost bereaves Sun's kiss

your silent plight begets silent nights
the inaudible whispers haunt us in daunting hollows
insalubrious fervor beseeches thy name
forlorn and lost among creeping doubt
guilt holding refrain from calling to any such fate

with second guess casts shame on second nature
innate profundity loses meaning with time
but all that's known is all that can be
tangible efforts get lost in the shadow of dissonance

my body resonates with such reeling efficacy
empathy goes unheard but your tone still sings truth
such sweetness lost to empty promise reigns defeat and pain
my silent nights beget silent strife

Genuinely feeling hope for something good, and being lead by false hope to believe a lie as truth, are two different beasts

I don't hate myself for what I felt, or thought, but instead what I was lead to think was okay to believe

I was lied to, again; my words beckoned something I thought was genuine, and deceit was all that met me, just like every time before it

I'm sick of being here, of thinking anything gets better, because it's true that the those who spend their fortune at keeping an authentic heart for others will inevitably end up alone, indebted to those who only care of themselves

I give myself away too often, but only for what I objectively observe as being meaningful, but I'm afraid that closing off my mind will bring me to the dark place again, and I never want to go back there

I have no control of what someone believes or feels, nor do I know what that may be, all the same

I just take what I am given, if it seems and feels good; if it echoes compassion and sincerity, because that's exactly what I lack most

I hate being a slave to this paradox, but my freedom may only come with absolute truth

I have no more faith for that - I still hope; potentiality rings, but I know that's one sided on my end

A wish is a wish..

I'll seek refuge in places that don't hold my name to be true, and even in emptiness I remain wrought through heavy handed tones of antipathy

Echoes of resolute desire plea with somber empathy, but remain indefinitely beyond the horizon of which I can not seek - and I shall remain waiting for something that has yet to come, for good it seems..

It rings barren any semblance of genuineness, the shadows I fall under; in plighted qualms, through quarreled teeth; without strength to hold my own, my very soul becomes the ground with which they walk

Desolation is the staunch friend from which I may not doubt will never be there in my time of need; and what I truly need, I fear, will never set foot upon my gaze

Like a sullen rose barred behind a glass wall, bereft of life giving nutrients and slowly wilting away one pedal at a time: I'll solemnly gaze upon the last glimmer of hope what was once profound and pure, now gripped with agony, and sin; decaying, alone, forever out of reach with only my eyes and heart to embrace it, yet never once again know what it may feel like to hold close with my own flesh

I am surrounded by an unspoken emptiness; an infinite abyss in every direction, except forward - and to each footstep I hear an echo of its past, one more inch beyond itself and gone before the last moments incur what hollow life is left within

Each passing moment brings me further to the edge of the unknown, this hope that's guided me for this long has burned like an eternal candle, now wisping what light is left to bear before me

One step more, and into the embracing darkness I will fall unto

The cries of war are beginning to recess; the battle has ceased, and I am still without a place to call home

I seethe within what echoes disdain for all things wanting, because I can't seem to keep what's there to begin with

The desire to purge prior prose and start from scratch beseeches my mind to scrawl what dire nuance calls my name, but I don't look it in the eyes

It's my demon; my voice that resonates deep within; the call of all things mired by fate-less whispers of what's more, or right

But I know, it can't be how I desire. What can be will only come when time sets right the means to seek it out; to reach for whatever may be reaching back at me

I can't move forward unless I know for certain what's there would not bring more desolation. I am a coward, but am I human? I ask myself that every waking moment

I crave nothing more than to be normalized and reverberate with twining string of fate that actually calls my name, not the sour tones of dissonance and disdain as before

I crave reality to be my own, rather than reality to own everything I can not

I seek, eternally.. I find nothing but light that touches the surface, but never does the sun actually rise.

Bring me to my own horizon, bring me fate, bring me peace..

I hope..

I don't possess the luxury to feel alive

This broken soul is daunted by mired ties

The shell that holds these withered bones and stinted cries

Stains rotten with guilt underneath
this tainted flesh; will ultimately be my surmise

Among a world of deception and cowardice, intelligence and honesty go hand in hand as well as a devil's tongue beseeches Godly candor

I'll sleep the days away knowing you're not here

Depression drowns me in guilt and shame..

It speaks familiar words, this ghost of pride bereft of all it had surmised; no rhyme or reason unto its own accord

Soft hymns of fate fall short their own innate value, wrought with seething dissonance and disdain; but they're never spoken

Clenched fists, eyes with lonely souls, hearts with sullen cries of hope; they unfold without remorse nor splendid candor

All things left behind, intentions fall short of their meaning; once again, romance finds such morose yet somber, gleaming demise

The sign of a drunken person is not through the sound of vibrant disillusion shouting obscenities through existential inebriation, but in the length of their face when they wake up one day to that stark realization that whatever once was can never be again.

The eyes become darker, mute and cold, the mind obscured by all the things they probably cared about when they had the opportunity but never merely took; and it is in their demeanor where life seethes nowhere in the voice except where it is merely enough to get them through just one more begrudging day of sinister regret gnawing at their heels every waking moment.

Hollow souls show us what we never want to be but somehow so many of us succumb to the same discrepancies and injustices of belittlement from the world around us: sober eyes and sharp tongues convincing us we are nothing more than what we think we are; and what we are to begin with is nothing, taking shape from the beginning of it all, ready to be molded into something grand and good – we must all start from somewhere, but most are subjugated before any of it can even begin; and ultimately, many of us never truly live at all.

Drunken, with the desire to simply live.