Dear Mr. Finch

I fear I’m just like Aunty
Dissappointed, so it’d seem
The need to scold and rid myself
Of good, encouraging things

Calpurnia would not approve
My earnest and impatience
‘ve been left behind, fell out of line
Feel cold sweat as my heart races

Crushed my own hopes;
Sent far away my own dreams
Wallowed in my own despair
Lacked to care for all the needs

Confess t’ you; am I Mayella now?
All of this was my own doing
And now we face the coin flip
My luck being his killing

I could hardly breathe
I couldn’t dine
My conscience could not clear
In time

Today I finally realized;
It took me too much time
That I had killed a mocking bird
A simple, humid-aired crime

He’s innocent and suffers

And here I am.

Fiery soul with emerald eyes,
Listen close to my words and what therein lies
Dear sweet thing with dancing sliver hues
A stormy grey or seeping blue

There's nothing more I need than both of you.
So I'll tell you now, I cannot choose
And my dear lover supports, approves

Soft uncertain smile, now please don't shy
Listen close to my words and what therein lies
As for the large bubbly boy holding my hand
Intimidation is not his plan

I would only love one if I found I can
Instead I want to be you gentleman
So I'll approach this gently then

Long-full boy, wishful sighs
Listen close to my words and what therein lies
Because I love you both and hope you'll love me
I want to write a love song for three

Please listen closed
And do respond, darling
It's for my love of you both I'll sing

In the hot, blistering, orange summer haze,
I’d once again been left;
Left in a haze

And the calming effects,
Of words you had left,
Grew on,
Into a haunting repetance

I lack in any response

In the light, reminiscent autumn breeze
I’d been held to watch again;
Watch again as you leave

And the dazzling effects,
Of the touch you had left,
They fade,
Slowly, into a wish for such again

I lack in any response

In the cold,
Monochromatic ice,
I grasped just too late;
Too late to think twice

And the chilling effects,
Of assurance you’d left,
Vanished,
As I failed to accept it

I lack in any response

In the first light,
Brightest of spring,
You return to me,
This to cause me to gleam

And the way I effect,
Your return from having left,
Wordless,
I glow before you

You lack in any response

Words unspoken, truths unsaid
Lies are spinning spiderwebs

Sleek, sticky, uncouth, unclean,
Hisses, dies, but won’t quite leave

Regret sinks, seeps through cracks
Bursting, rotting, emotion lacks

Like a fly; caught in a web,
Buzzes, struggles, alive then dead

Spreading poison through the flies,
Sticking, hurting webs of lives

“Change me! Change me!”

Birds that sing
Screeching, die with broken wings

Crawling, creeping, chills my back
Hissing, dying, emotion lacks

No more flies, cannot feed,
Hisses, dies, but won’t quite leave

Remaining behind, even still,
Cobwebs spun,
Lives fall apart or are even killed.

I love all of  my family
As I always have since birth
Problem is my family has
And may always see me as a Girl

My mom remembers fondly
How I used to love dressing up in pink
But now it seems to bother me,
Like my voice, when I think and speak

I’ve always been a tomBoy
In very single fond memory
I’ve hated being Sister, Small, a Girl, or Mallory
Why can’t it leave Me be

So please, I’m not your Daughter, not one of your Ladies, Sis or Girlfriend
I’m not trying to **** your loved one
Just trying to help you recognize Him

Difference between lives best left said,
do not compare, don’t get caught dead

People experience different things different ways
Better to sympathize than to relate

I once said me too, to too many different things
failed to see all the trouble ‘Twould bring

To want to take my own live, without considering
Others who truly did who I cared for and who’d cared for me

My best friend attempted recently such a thing
Not realizing to me how much pain it would bring

If she did, I really would too

Me too if I’m too late,

There’d be nothing more to do

And when now others simply remark such words
I think of them, oh, I think
‘how pereverse’

They and you may yet know one day
know what it’s like to be too, to be too too late

I'm just trying to live my life
Like any other human being
I get on the bus, sit on the guys side
I go through my day-to-day

I get called down to the office
I'm told I have to sit on the girls side because I'm in the system as a girl
I tell him I'm not a girl and the heteronormative system is ridiculous
I didn't do anything wrong and sit by myself anyways

He says he will see what he can do
In the hallway not long after, after school ends, going down stairs
I group of kids scream near my ears
I mumble to myself and they touch my head

I said stop
They didn't stop
I turned around
And for the first time in my life I lower myself to violence
And punch one in the leg

I break down
I'm lucky to work with such wonderful people in theatre
I just want to live my life
I just want to be left and not harassed

Im told I can sit on the boys side
I have to sit alone
I can only sit in the front or back
I have to tell the stranger next to me he can't sit there

I want to tell him why
I don't want to out myself
I have to give up the ounce of validation of being treated like a normal guy on the bus by the other guys, who are unafraid to get in trouble for sitting with me cause they don't know what I am or care

I wish...
I wish I was born right just like he and every other guy on the bus

But if I was I would not be me.

I could not understand my own struggles
Or sympathize so much with others

I could not learn and adapt the way I do now
Could not have taught myself to be brave in the same way I am

I could not have the experience of having kids with my spouse the way I want to

I would not have needed to stand up for my rights or that of others

I would not have addresssed my lack of understanding and my internalized transphobia

I am stronger for who and what I am.
My gestalt.
For learning to come to terms with the harsh truths of what I am to the world.

If that wish came true, I would not be me. I would not be
Orion.

Fear
Is a terrible reason
To
Or
Not To
Believe

In Something

In Someone

In a God

In Others

In Yourself

Fear is a grandeur adversary to many

But Courage

To Go On and Stand
In the face of Fear

Is the grandest Ally

So many fail to choose