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Nyx 6d
My body urges me to *****
Nauseous feelings wearing thick
Bridging at the top of my throat
Making me feel extremely sick

dizziness in my head
lightheaded almost to a degree
It seems to never end
These symptoms won't set me free

I can't keep this thing
That grows slowly deep inside
sharp pains within my lower point
Taking me for such a ride

I'm scared

I admit it
Struggling to hide such a secret
Where every attempt to help goes wrong
Wondering how can I fix it

Time running thin on the clock
Tears threatening to spill
Fear bounding deep inside
While nausea begins to ****

I need to get this done
I'm trying so hard I really am
For this is neither the time or place
To cause my future to be ******

I need to hurry.

Though it scares me so much

Forgive me...

But this choice must be done


-
I am a fool
Symptoms of something that wasn't meant to be
Feb 9 · 131
I need an outlet
Nyx Feb 9
All I want to do is

S C R E A M

To yell so loud

The world around me shakes

As these endless feeling

keep piling up

higher

&

higher

And I know very soon

I'm just going to

B  R  E  A  K

-
Jan 30 · 184
Stuck in my Throat
Nyx Jan 30
I talk too much or not at all
As I'm afraid to sound self-centered
Talking about my insecurities and woe
Just end up making me feel so low

I open my mouth and words pour out
Trying hard not to sound like a victim
But the more I explain, the more in vain
As the worry and fear grows heavier

Communication is key

I understand this to be true
But to capture the full extent
Of my mind at bay is difficult
As words barely make a dent

As I hold my tongue
And the voices they plague me
It's selfish to talk about my own
I fear you take my words as pleas

Framing myself as incapable
Needy and attention-seeking
I can't speak on behalf of my own
As these feelings keep creeping

All these words getting caught in my throat
Leaving me with poor explanations
And them with no ability to understand



~
I always feel like when I talk about myself that I come off to other people as being self-centered, victimizing myself or just searching for attention and pity. So I stop even though all I want is to allow people to understand me, these words keep getting stuck in my throat
Jan 30 · 194
Am I
Nyx Jan 30
Am I kind?
Am I good?
Am I all that you think?
Or am I just a curse
Such an awful little jinx
Chewing up your soul
Leaving you broken links
Rueing the day you choose me
Drawing you to the brinks
Cursing my name under breath
Sighs in anger and defeat
Growing tired of this self-hatred
Sipping on poison-filled sweets
So silence the roaring cries
Of this good person that you seek
As they are nowhere to be found
I am but another selfish freak
Jan 30 · 48
Square One
Nyx Jan 30
I'm a fool who's rage is written on a page
Flickering with fire, fueled by a painful desire
Unruly and unjust it burns without control
Till its content with its remains of dark ash and coal
Seeking no shelter, though it must be contained
She screams as she cries trapped in a cage
Walls adoring her, only growing stronger with age
Dreading the knocking that echos so loud
Fumbling with the keys, throwing them to the ground
Huddling into one's self, as the world grows c o l d
Yearning for somebody who can allow her to be whole
As she kicks and she screams, pushing them away
It's difficult to get past this tremendous facade
That holds so well, ingrained into her being
Disregarding the world and others well-being
How heartless and cold
How selfish and bold
Pitiful you are
with that narcissist mask, you hold

Dance me another dance
Within that ballroom of yours
Filled with the most beautiful flowers
And those demons that taunt at all hours
Its cold deep within, even with fires set aflame
As she continues burning within her own stone-cold cage.

Here we are again,
Square one.



~
Setting fires within a castle that you build to protect your own
Burning all who dare to draw in to close
Though the knocking won't stop
Dec 2019 · 157
Crunching Lollipops
Nyx Dec 2019
Crunching on a lollipop
Sends shivers down my spine
”To enhance the flavour” you say
Whatever helps ease your mind

Enjoying the sweets
Emitting a pleasant scent
While pondering of these feelings
Beating around my chest

Holding on tight
Fingers entwined
Knowing well I am his
And that lollipop cruncher is mine

But just like those hard candies
He crushes between his teeth
I wonder...

Will my heart be just like those
Strawberry flavoured sweets?



~
Nov 2019 · 196
Love a ghost
Nyx Nov 2019
Compressing my heart
Between the palms of your hands
Tear it into tiny bits
Until nothing else stands
Repeating the words under breath
Love me, Love me not
Debating with your heart
Careful not to get caught
Take heed in my words
And my cries in the night
Spew apologies with guilt
Don't take it too light
Distinguish for yourself
Between right and wrong
Boundaries and respect
Aren't particularly strong
Know my pain on the surface
Change nothing within existence
Haunted feelings unkept
Cause me to grow distance
Decide is what I want
But choice isn't simple
I won't be the one I know
Unfair and Unjust
Knowing too well
Hatred or rejection
I wish not to know
In silence, I shall keep
As feelings begin to grow
Wishing to love you endlessly
And for you to do the same
But I know its hopeless
As your voice still calls her name
A ghost he says
Floating about
An exorcist I say
Is what I'd love to shout
But I know more and more
That's impossible, I doubt
I just want your love with no strings attached
My heart already feels it, But I can't allow it to be unlatched
Secured in the vault, unwavering at its bolts
It can't, I won't allow it to be released
Not until the ghost is gone
Though that won't ever happen
Unless I want to become scorned.
I care beyond the brink of love
I don't wish to leave
But this pain that constantly echos
Causes me to grieve

Please...
Just don't hate me for feeling this way.


-
Alas what can I do
Nov 2019 · 198
Not yet
Nyx Nov 2019
I can't love you, Not yet
How can I when your words are so hard to forget?
They aren't malicious, or cruel
they aren't filled with bad intent
But her name keeps ringing in my head

You've fallen in love with me you say

You wouldn't tell me such lies
Though I can't bring myself to believe
Even with that heartfelt look in your eyes
You warm my heart, make me smile
You've shone a new light into my life
You are kind to me, good to me


Though your words conjure strife

I know in your heart you still love her dearly
I would have to be blind in order not to see it so clearly
There is no future in me, as you hurt from the one of her
And perhaps in the years to come you say

Who knows what will happen with her

I don't expect or want plans for a wedding or a family
I just wish that while with me now
You'd think of the us of now
, not a future of her
So how can I love someone who's heart can't choose?
She's like a haunting ghost that's long overdue

And you know it hurts me, it tears me apart
That you're still longing for her not so deep down in your heart
So forgive me for being hesitant and unable to return those words
But I'm only trying to protect myself from the hurt
Because I care about you so dearly it drives me insane
But I can't allow myself to fall in love with you
Not yet



-
I'm sorry that I'm trying so hard to protect myself, but I know if I allow myself to fall in love I will just be more torn apart in the future. There is no security blanket or safety for being with him forever, I know that and I don't expect that of him, I just want him to believe in us of now, but his longing for her and that future hope of getting back together is what kills me. He cares for me and loves me, but he still loves her as well, So how can I allow myself to be so vulnerable and to give my all to a boy who see's me only as tempory.
I'll never match up to her, so again I'm sorry but I can't allow myself to fall in love with you. Not yet.
Nyx Oct 2019
Throwing my phone against the wall
Hearing it go off another hundred times
Catching a glimpse of my reflection
With a bitter chuckle, I think to myself

God, I'm such an ugly crier


-
Yeah... this isn't a good look for me
Gonna go back to bottling it up
Ya yeet
Nyx Aug 2019
It’s the way she talks, the way she walks
It’s how her hair flows in the wind
There are so many things I don’t know where to begin

Her smile, saying it’ll be worth while
Her eyes that glisten with mischief
Her body and curves
It’s how she acts that gets on my nerves

And of all the people of the world
You are the one I fear the most
I’m so afraid you will take everything
Then unconsciously you’ll boast

It riddles me with fear
You spark a harsh light in my heart
Pitting holes within my stomach
Tearing me apart

And all because I’m jealous
Jealous of only you in this world
And whenever I look at you I think
I’ll never be enough

Poem after poem I write
Trying to extinguish this fright
But my insecurities keep me company
You set me on fire with your “light”

I’ll never get over this complex
This deep rooted thing of you
Feeling Inferior and worthless
No matter how many say it’s not true

Because thinking of it always makes me feel blue
All on top with the fact that I’m losing you

What a pitiful mess
Just lay me to rest.



-
I’ll never measure up to her
No matter how hard I try
All I do is meaningless
When in a moment she can ****** it away
Just like all the rest, over and over again
and the more she takes the more I break
Until I simply can't handle it anymore
Aug 2019 · 203
Falling like the stars
Nyx Aug 2019
In dreams, they tell us to live out free
Let our hearts rage on, flooding like seas
And with you by my side, the warmth ignites
Alighting a fire so far, the sun begins to shy

Little side glances, and bursting grins
Laughter and happiness, all of these things
From stolen kisses of many, as regards to many firsts
Hickeys and bite marks, it's all rather perverse

Through the sun that hits your eyes, a reflection as clear as sky
Crystalized in a memorizing blue, within happiness it lies
Breathing out another sigh, filled with contentment
Entranced by the one in front of me, How fleetingly pleasant

Entangled in bedsheets, within each other's arms
Fingers entwined together, How can a boy hold such charms?
Tracing the patterns on your skin, mapping out constellations
Running fingers through your hair, we've created a firm foundation

And in his presence, I am a child bubbling with glee
While my shield relinquish but refuse to let me free
Insecurities creep and that voice begins to echo,
Though not a moment of doubt is buried deep below

Just fear of abandonment that I can't help but shake
Fear that my heart loves you much more then I can take
And gazing into those orbs, that shine so true
With ever sweet words, that make me feel far less blue

Captivated by the you, that stands before me today
With every flaw and imperfection, I still decide to stay
As being perfect doesn't matter, as long as your enough for you
And as long as your heart beats wild and decides to stay true

And fleeting moments pass us by, such a gorgeous temptation
Though being with you alone is enough, such an amazing sensation
The future is a mystery as far as anybody can see
Though, in the end, we'll hear its great unfinished symphony

In the meantime, we will lay, in the darkness of night
Two childish lovers only at the beginning of this fight
Creating memories of many, regardless of our scars
Finishing each other's sentences and Falling like the stars.
Aug 2019 · 298
It seem to be so
Nyx Aug 2019
I'm tired of pondering, pestering over what's gone
Meaningless small talk, Give another yawn
Distance is feeling, forever unyielding
Just another unsalvagable friendship
I'm better off just leaving

Walk me around the river bend
Lockets in your hand, Tell of your wondrous life,
Oh and the things that cause you strife
I can hear it in your tone of voice, see it in your smile
I use to love to see you, Now it isn't worth my while

Now tell me that you love me, cry that you care
But in the moments I needed you, were you ever really there?
And it breaks my heart to tell you, It hurts my soul to know
But what we had is gone, encased within the winter snow.
Jul 2019 · 460
I'm Certain
Nyx Jul 2019
My heart keeps beating
Whenever you're around
As if butterfly's keep flutter
I can hear their gentle sounds
Flushing pink and red
Grinning wide from ear to ear
Hiding my face within my sleeve
Peaking out to see you near
Warmth amitting
Hands tightly held
Guiding gentle circles
It's pleasant, It's sweet
Like a syrup dipped candy
You're an overwhelming treat
I'm addicted to your taste
I can't get enough
Kissing you with much haste
A mixture of soft and rough
And I've never felt this way
This feeling that consumes me
Wanting to be near you
To see you, to feel you
I want to be your everything
Though only if you'd be mine
Slow and steady we go
There is no need to rush
But my feelings are certain this time
Jul 2019 · 51
It's crazy
Nyx Jul 2019
This is going to sound stupid
It's going to sound crazy
but I think...
I'm falling in love with you
Heart racing with a text
Smiling from ear to ear
It's so light, so sweet
I find myself yearning to meet
with another ding, my phone goes
Racing to see to my delight
Your name upon the lock screen
What a wonderful night

How can you already have me wrapped around your little finger?
Though I don't mind. I'm only wishing you were mine


~
Jul 2019 · 363
What a silly little heart
Nyx Jul 2019
You know
its really stupid
but after all this time
my heart still beats for you
What a silly little heart
He doesn't want you
and he never will.
How stupid I am
Jun 2019 · 204
What is love?
Nyx Jun 2019
Maybe it is
Different for everyone,
It's ambiguous.
It's not something
You can describe with words properly.
If you can feel it
In your own heart, then
Surely,
That must be love.

~
Jun 2019 · 112
You again
Nyx Jun 2019
Even after all this time
I still dance around the room
Attempting to catch your eye
While Subtly following you with mine

How desperate
Jun 2019 · 424
Light Fingers
Nyx Jun 2019
Light fingered
Swift and efficient
Conspiring against themselves
Nothing is ever sufficient

Take. Take. Take
Its Mine. Mine. Mine


Morally incorrect
But what a hefty paycheck
Greed is swirling
Such havoc they wreak

People & Things
They glisten and gleam
Yearn to hold them in hand
Thou the theft must be clean

Much like a bird interested,
Infatuated by the sparkle of things
Filling their homes, Their nests
Craving the beauty they bring

Such light fingers
swift and efficient
Never sufficient
Wanting more and more...

It's never enough.

These hearts taken within the dark
hidden by the cloak of night
Treasures of the soul
Give me your light


-
Interpret it how you wish
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