Kick me over like a stone again
Stand in judgment of all my sin
Never knowing where I have been

Flip my pages, then tear them out
Never pausing for a single doubt
Defended to my roaring shouts

Take your aim and shoot me down
Make me spiral to the cold hard ground
Souls dying gasp the only sound

Standing over me, take your prize
My bleeding heart in quick demise
Not even once did you agonize

Not once were you concerned
About the leasons I had learned
Thrown in the fire to watch me burn

Your actions were more than brash
Got me feeling lower than Johnny Cash
As under you gaze I turn to ash

Crying like a fool
For a friend hurt my feelings
Scratches on my heart

I Was buried last night
As word after word you shoveled over me
Telling me with my sadness you could not deal
I put up no fight
I just slipped into the bathroom
Your words following "you going in there to cry"
As the tears slid silently down my face of steel
I sat till no more tears came
You attacked me at my weakest
I turned off my feelings, I could no longer feel
My face a blank slate
I was at my meekest
I plastered on a smile
But I guess it didn't carry enough weight
I guess I didn't have the expression of a child
So what am I to do
I don't know anymore how to be fake
So I just continue to smile
My steel face will be all you ever see till I'm through
Until someday soon you lay me in the dirt

That's the day I'll no longer hurt

Why is it the stars and not the sun that makes me feel as small as I do
Maybe because thy cover the sky like twinkling dew

I lay under them and watch the light of millions of dead
Most not realizing that their gone, no tears are shed

Is it the night
Because our thoughts turn to frights
Is that why I feel so small under their light
To weak to put up a fight

I don't really know the reason, but here I am
Smaller than a grain of sand
My place in this universe, just a fleeting moment
A dying ember with not much content

Yes it's the stars that make me feel so small
Like lost memories down the minds empty hall

Why is it the stars and not the sun that makes me feel as small as I do
Maybe because thy cover the sky like twinkling dew

I lay under them and watch the light of millions of dead
Most not realizing that their gone, no tears are shed

Is it the night
Because our thoughts turn to frights
Is that why I feel so small under their light
To weak to put up a fight

I don't really know the reason, but here I am
Smaller than a grain of sand
My place in this universe, just a fleeting moment
A dying ember with not much content

Yes it's the stars that make me feel so small
Like lost memories down the minds empty hall

Another day and they say "it's a new begaining"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march to the uncertain
Like the droping of life's stage curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
And my disease leaves it stamp
I feel like a lost ***** *****
And my life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure from my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Or jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

And leave me counting the days
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still
And in death will I finally feel real?

In my heart burns the brightest fire
Keeping the liquid rubies running through my veins
My scars shine the purest gold and silver
My tears the deepest
Sapphire blue
But my feet are made of clay

Spots on my skin
I'm decaying from within
My blood has gone sour
Every ***** it devours
Including my eyes
One day soon they will no longer see, just cry
Watching constantly what I eat
My bloods to sweet
The darkness in my head also does what it please
Living with more than one chronic disease
Can bring any person to their knees

My heart is as light as can be
You finally admitted, you love me

The limbs grow, cover and cradle me
Like the arms of a forgotten lover
The maggots give me love bits as they slowly consume
The worms slither round about, in and out
Never again will my face wear a frown
Never again will I worry about zen
Or about how's and when's
This moss is my bed
Where I lay my weary head
Off to rest for eternity
Where the animal and insects show me love

Finally LOVE

The limbs grow, cover and cradle me
Like the arms of a forgotten lover
The maggots give me love bits as they slowly consume
The worms slither round about, in and out
Never again will my face wear a frown
Never again will I worry about zen
Or about how's and when's
This moss is my bed
Where I lay my weary head
Off to rest for eternity
Where the animal and insects show me love internally

Finally LOVE!!!!!!

The limbs grow, cover and cradle me
Like the arms of a forgotten lover
The maggots give me love bits as they slowly consume
The worms slither round about, in and out
Never again will my face wear a frown
Never again will I worry about zen
Or about how's and when's
This moss is my bed
Where I lay my weary head
Off to rest for eternity
Where the animal and insects show me love internally

Finally LOVE!!!!!!

The rain comes splattering in through my window, like a thousand cool tiny kisses

My skin glisten

It begins as the sun goes down in the coal black inky darkness of night

Layer of fright

Thunder so loud it rattles the windows, shakes the room

Sonic boom

Bright white hot lighting splits the night into

Darkness resumes

The rain pours down trying to drown everything, that's for certain

Glistening wet curtain

The wind is bending the trees to it's will, making house shingles fly

Look to the sky

Destruction is on the horizon, The finger of God is on the ground

No safe haven found

The funnel cloud again ascends into the heavens, leaving behind a shattered earth

What's the cost,the worth

The morning light brings silence, only the sounds of the mothers crying

The fathers sighing

Broken boards, tattered dreams, toppled trees

What's become of me

You'll find my body in the field, I road the winds, soul ripped from my mortal shell

**** up to heaven, thrown down to hell

The rain comes splattering in through my window, like a thousand cool tiny kisses

My skin glisten

It begins as the sun goes down in the coal black inky darkness of night

Layer of fright

Thunder so loud it rattles the windows, shakes the room

Sonic boom

Bright white hot lighting splits the night into

Darkness resumes

The rain pours down trying to drown everything, that's for certain

Glistening wet curtain

The wind is bending the trees to it's will, making house shingles fly

Look to the sky

Destruction is on the horizon, The finger of God is on the ground

No safe haven found

The funnel cloud again ascends into the heavens, leaving behind a shattered earth

What's the cost,the worth

The morning light brings silence, only the sounds of the mothers crying

The fathers sighing

Broken boards, tattered dreams, toppled trees

What's become of me

You'll find my body in the field, I road the winds, soul ripped from my mortal shell

**** up to heaven, thrown down to hell

©Pauline Russell

There's a fire in my eyes, and my fangs are about to show
You think I'm sweet and timid, not a mean bone in my body
But there are sides of me you just don't know
For within this aged body, lies a monster full of rage
He's only there to protect me from what people do and say
I'm afraid after what you are doing he is rattling his cage
If he breaks free I'm  scared what he might do
He has no heart, so no words can make him fall apart, no deed can break him down
You think I'm weak for my kindness that I have shown to you
Now I'm asking you to pay your part, give me what you owe
Or I'll unlock the cage and fling wide open that **** rusty door
So he can stomp your ***, kick you out of my life, making you happy he finally let you go

You said that I could run to you
Whenever I felt saddened and blue
And so I did on many occasions
But guess I started to feel like an invasion
You could not fix my lugubriousness
You started to relize you couldn't give me happiness
I guess you never understood
But then again I don't know how you could
Because there was something you couldn't see
There was nothing you could do, but stand with me

So I could fix myself!!!!

The drugs I've took for days
Have left me in this haze
So today I float along
Trying to forget your song
You sang to me with love
Only to give the finale shove

You tied me to the tracks
Guess you like the sound of all the cracks
As my heart was split into
You did all that you could do
To make sure that I would choke
On all the words you spoke

But baby you was wrong
As I just move along
I hope my love haunts you
I hope your heart stays blue

I have found a new toy
I crush on a new boy
For you was never a man
Not good enough to take my hand

So now there's a new one to take your place
Someone I've known for years, that now gets to tastes my grace

Thank you for letting me go
Or his passion I wouldn't know
He kisses all my scars
He helped me break my fall

But no one gets my heart again
You helped remind me thats a sin

Better monsters than you have tried to consume and feed
But I am stronger with every break, I will not conceded

Thank you for the ride
The down hill slide
For at the bottom I found myself and him
In tangled on a whim

And by that bonfire
He lit my desire
He's my flame licker
My passion transmitter

So go on your lonely way
To you I have only one thing left to say
You threw away a golden heart
You really wasn't all that smart

The drugs I've took for days
Have left me in this haze
So today I float along
Trying to forget you song
You sang to me with love
Only to give the finale shove

You tied me to the tracks
Guess you like the sound of all the cracks
As my heart was split into
You did all that you could do
To make sure that I would choke
On all the words you spoke

But baby you was wrong
As I just move along
I hope my love haunts you
I hope your heart stays blue

I have found a new toy
I crush on a new boy
For you was never a man
Not good enough to take my hand

So now there's a new one to take your place
Someone I've known for years, that now gets to tastes my grace

Thank you for letting me go
Or his passion I wouldn't know
He kisses all my scars
He helped me break my fall

But no one gets my heart again
You helped remind me thats a sin

Better monsters than you have tried to consume and feed
But I am stronger with every break, I will not conceded

Thank you for the ride
The down hill slide
For at the bottom I found myself and him
In tangled on a whim

And by that bonfire
He lit my desire
He's my flame licker
My passion transmitter

So go on your lonely way
To you I have only one thing left to say
You threw away a golden heart
You really wasn't all that smart

Sitting on this shelf
Drowning in myself
I think that I'm in hell
**** this flesh made cell

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Broken as a child
Sent my spirit wild
Parties, ***** and pills
Trying to cure my ills

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Relationships with broken men
All of them, barbarian
I left them far behind
Took care of me and mine

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Children grown
I'm all alone
Darkness grows
Sorrow shows

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Sitting on this shelf
Drowning in myself
I think that I'm in hell
**** this flesh made cell

©Pauline Morris

I sit with my face to the sun trying to catch it's warmth
But the winds quickly snatches that away
I'm quite content right here
Under the baby blue sky
Sitting in a sea of yellow flowers
They almost glow reflecting the joy of the day
But nothing breaks the chilly winds of change
The flowers scream to the sky
As the Sun's rays reach down
Like a mother for a child
The wind drags in the clouds
To blind each other's view
Mother Nature starts to cry
The flowers bowed thier heads
The sun just hides her face
For everything knew the winds of Chang where neigh

I sit with my face to the sun trying to catch it's warmth
But the winds quickly snatches that away
I'm quite content right here
Under the baby blue sky
Sitting in a sea of yellow flowers
They almost glow reflecting the joy of the day
But nothing breaks the chilly winds of change
The flowers scream to the sky
As the Sun's rays reach down
Like a mother for a child
The wind drags in the clouds
To blind each other's view
Mother Nature starts to cry
The flowers bowed thier heads
The sun just hides her face
For everything knew the winds of Chang where neigh

Grab my hand now, lead me into your beautiful fields
Lay me down, show me the clouds
Rip off my darkened shroud
Make me lower my defensive shields

Make my mind take flight, soaring ubove my plight
Crease my body till it's in convulsions
Look deep into my eye's till my whole being pulses
Not caring if it's wrong or right

I cry to you, take me away for just a night
Leave me withering, in massive longing
As you torturer me with your taunting
But you don't have to I'll just sink back out of sight

Standing at a fork in the road
Which way should I go
To the right
Keep putting up this terrible fight
Straight ahead
All the time wishing I was dead
Or to the left
So mournfully bereft
I see only darkness either way I chose
There doesn't really seem much to lose
Maybe I'll just lay down here
Like in the headlights a deer
Oh I forgot I was already hit
That is why here I sit
Already road ****, just waiting to die
Under the darkening sky
Guess I could limp off, but at what cost
I'm one of the lost
With no way home
Through this life alone I roam
Humans are not ment to live that way
It makes for the most sorrowful day
So here I stand at the fork again
I've been here before, and I know everyway is grim

I'm sorry if you don't agree
I'm sorry if my words don't please
But take a closer look, you'll see
I write for me

As the sullen figure of a woman sets alone in her room
You can feel in the atmosphere all the gloom
As memories rap on the doors in her mind
They well remain there for all time
For her they will never depart
For even if time erases them from the mind,they are written with scars in her heart
She sits there shoulders hunched over
A river of tears sliding down her checks, no longer able to hold her composure
She had slipped into her room, her sanctuary
The burden of being the strong one, for the moment she could no longer carry

As the sullen figure of a woman sets alone in her room
You can feel in the atmosphere all the gloom
As memories rap on the doors in her mind
They well remain there for all time
For her they will never depart
For even if time erases them from the mind,they are written with scars in her heart
She sits there shoulders hunched over
A river of tears sliding down her checks, no longer able to hold her composure
She had slipped into her room, her sanctuary
The burden of being the strong one, for the moment she could no longer carry

As the sullen figure of a woman sets alone in her room
You can feel in the atmosphere all the gloom
As memories rap on the doors in her mind
They well remain there for all time
For her they will never depart
For even if time erases them from the mind,they are written with scars in her heart
She sits there shoulders hunched over
A river of tears sliding down her checks, no longer able to hold her composure
She had slipped into her room, her sanctuary
The burden of being the strong one, for the moment she could no longer carry

I know a man who is as brave as a knight
He is battling more than a lot of us could fight
In my eyes he is a true Hero
But most of the time he thinks of himself a zero
But he couldn't be further from the truth
For his compassion is one of his strongest roots

For even though chronic pain and his demons he faces
You and your problems he embraces
He can make you feel like world would be less without you
All of your pain, the love in his heart can cut through

He is never more than a message away
And you can call on him night or day
He is one of the few that will do all he can
To pick you up, stay, and hold your hand
Until on your own again you can stand
He really is one hell of a man

Even on his weakest day
When he, himself is starting to fray
And he's so full of regret
He STILL is the strongest man I've ever meet

I really wish he could see himself through my eyes
For he is one that is truly wise
And I know he would argue he is not, to the end
But strong and wise best describes, my truest dear friend

We are the broken
We just want you to see through our eyes
What can happen when angry harsh words are spoken
We just wish to show the reason for our mournful cry

We want you to know that every single solitary day
We live a life full of grief and remorse
There is no healing words, nothing to say
Just watch as our life's have been shoved off course

There isn't a day we are not broken
Like the physically handicapped we must endure
On all that's been done to us we are  left choking
We have searched everywhere there is no cure

On this earth we will remain broken, there is no doubt
In public we suffer silently, in our holes we cry and we wail
Only sweet wonderful death offers a way out
We are as fragile as that shattered egg shell

I wanta go for a ride
Come on climb inside
I want to stop this slide
Let our tears subside
In each other we'll confide
Then we'll put our problems aside
We'll hit the back roads see the country side
Find what treasures they hide
We'll travel dirt roads untried
Come to a cross roads we'll let the coin decide
To no rules we'll abide
We'll take it all in stride
Let the fates be our guide
Over *** holes we'll glide
Just you and me, best friends, side by side

I've been treading water, trying not to drown
But I'm afraid, I'm finally going down
The waves are coming faster
And of self control I am no master
Should I hold my breath as I plunge
Or breath in the water and quickly this life expunge
I keep my eyes open as I am sinking
But I can't keep from blinking
When a colorful fish swims by
Then turned around and looked me in the eye
What he had to say gave me chills
"Why don't you just grow gills
We all must change and adapt
Or none of us would live through life's crap"
Wise words from a fish's lips
And if I survive, I'll never again eat fish and chips

I've been treading water, trying not to drown
But I'm afraid, I'm finally going down
The waves are coming faster
And of self control I am no master
Should I hold my breath as I plunge
Or breath in the water and quickly this life expunge
I keep my eyes open as I am sinking
But I can't keep from blinking
When a colorful fish swims by
Then turned around and looked me in the eye
What he had to say gave me chills
"Why don't you just grow gills
We all must change and adapt
Or none of us would live through life's crap"
Wise words from a fish's lips
And if I survive, I'll never again eat fish and chips

I pray everyday to an empty sky
Wishing some entity would answer
Tell me why
But there is only silence
No answer form up on high
No hope for divine guidance
Is there nothing there
Or did the universe decide I wasn't worth it
They turn a blind eye, blind ear they don't care
Leaving me all alone
No one or thing that cares
Sitting on my bed all by myself at home

Love is free
Love is what happened to be
Love is so beautifully portrayed
Love is one more day
Love is what I seek
Love is so meek

Love is a propaganda
Love is the last stanza
Love is one extremely cold rain
Love is what happened to bring pain
Love is the bitter end
Love is what never did begin

**** the happy people that depression never struck
**** the happy people and all of their good luck
**** the happy people who've never known this strife
**** the happy people who've never used a razor or a knife
**** the happy people that the monsters never came
**** the happy people with no voices in their brain
**** the happy people that with the universe they have no gripe
**** the happy people and their ******* happy lifes

**** the happy people that depression never struck
**** the happy people and all of their good luck
**** the happy people who've never known this strife
**** the happy people who've never used a razor or a knife
**** the happy people that the monsters never came
**** the happy people with no voices in their brain
**** the happy people that with the universe they have no gripe
**** the happy people and their ******* happy lifes

**** the happy people that depression never struck
**** the happy people and all of their good luck
**** the happy people who've never known this strife
**** the happy people who've never used a razor or a knife
**** the happy people that the monsters never came
**** the happy people with no voices in their brain
**** the happy people that with the universe they have no gripe
**** the happy people and their ******* happy lifes

Out of sight, out of mind
That's how it goes, it's so unkind
Won't someone spare some time
To see if I'm doing fine
No one calls
No one cares at all
They know what happened
They know I'm at the end
Guess I really don't have true friend
I'm well into the descend
Pile it up, stack it tall
See how steep I can climb before I fall
Flat on my face, already there
But look no one cares
There's nothing I can do for them
I was just their whim
**** THEM

I'm done I'm through
There's nothing more that I can do
My life is *******
My heart came unglued
My rents overdue
My car died, my problems grew
So I'm telling you
I want to turn that wonderful hue
A nice pale blue

Full Knowledge

I need to find some where to de-stress , to hide
Before I break, and leave this side
I feel the noose, it's lowering
I see the shadows it's throwing
Images of things to come
When finally pushed beyond, and I succumb
A few more inches
Skin slightly flinches
Soon to be around my neck
Doesn't matter,  we're but specks
Why continue to balance on the razor edge
When you have full knowledge
Tomorrow will be no better than today
And today was worse than yesterday

Copyright: Pauline Russell   10-5-16

Now you see me, now you don't
I want to run, but maybe I wont
Frozen in time, still always moving
Memories flawed, futures always proving
Agony unwavering, is always changing
Happiness unreachable, yet so nearing
Things unwanted, forever need
Wounds have healed, scars still bleed
Always right, standing in the wrong
Feelings left to die, forever live on

Red Rover, Red Rover
Is long ago over
As submachine guns are now slung over our children's shoulder

Hide and Go Seek
Is not for the meek
Now it's played by survivors or victims, the out look is bleak

London Bridge is Falling Down
Wouldn't actually hit the ground
But in today's reality there is probability to be found

War was played with cards
Now human life is of little regard
Open up your eyes, for war is now in  our backyards

©Pauline Russell

In the land of Gods and Monsters I am a fallen angel living in the garden of evil
Every creature there is ruled by needs that are primeval
With broken wings, broken heart, broken life
Living on the edge of a knife
One wrong step will be my last
Long ago my die was cast
Every night the monsters attack
Of my soul they make a snack
The Gods look on and laugh and point
I cry, I plead, but they will never anoint
I'm lost, I'm scared, but I'm trapped I can go no where
And there is nobody that loves or cares
And of all the wrong to me that's been done
Being left all alone is the most tragic one

In the land of Gods and Monsters I am a fallen angel living in the garden of evil
Every creature there is ruled by needs that are primeval
With broken wings, broken heart, broken life
Living on the edge of a knife
One wrong step will be my last
Long ago my die was cast
Every night the monsters attack
Of my soul they make a snack
The Gods look on and laugh and point
I cry, I plead, but they will never anoint
I'm lost, I'm scared, but I'm trapped I can go no where
And there is nobody that loves or cares
And of all the wrong to me that's been done
Being left all alone is the most tragic one

You couldn't love me, I had to move on
I hope you see where you was wrong
I hope you stay strong
I never ment to harm
But I gave you my love it was never returned
You left me feeling burned
So in it is a lesson to be learned
Not not treat the heart of another
Like trash in the gutter
That you can pick up when you want
Never giving them a secound thought
Only when YOU need them, not when they need you
I hope if not a lesson, you at lest get a clue

I guess I'm not ment to be seen
I'll just float through life ghostfully
The sight of me is to obscene
I'm almost gone, transparent
Who cares where I went

Cold sweats, clammy hands
******* the life out of me
Phasmophobia

Why don't you see me here
Why don't you give a **** dear
Why did you leave me alone here
Just go the **** away dear
There's nothing left for you here
Please leave me alone dear
**** all your **** here
Can't you see me dear
I'm right before you here
I'm layed wide open dear
There's nothing to run from here

I couldn't take anymore of the earthly ways
Or the games that people play
So I've given up this very day

I don't know what is in the great beyond
If it'll be chaos or if it'll be calm
I just know it's time for me to move along

I've done all I could in this realm
With all I've endured,  I'm overwhelmed
To take this final step I am compelled

So I'll start out my letter like all of us fallen do
"Just remember I'll always love you"
"I  just couldn't hold on,  with this life I am through"