I'll write you a letter
That you'll never see,
I hope to feel better,
Go back to being me

The best mug in the cabinet
Sits on the middle shelf
Everyone always grabs it
Rarely left to itself
The handle fits perfect
Though increasingly worn
Held in palms to reflect
With liquid so warm

And still I look back
On the bad days
The ones with the fights
And the yelling
Cant forget the tears

And still I look back
On the good days
The ones with the love
And the affection
Can't forget the feeling

And still I look back
Before I met you
And my heart wasn't broken
Can't forget how you changed me

And still I look back
But do you?

I just want someone to look at me
To see me,
For all that I am
Look AT me-
Not through me
And past where I stand

I just want someone to know me,
To feel me,
To want who I am

And for a second,
Quite briefly,
I think our eyes met
And that scared me so bad
I immediately left

When the spark is gone
And just a candle burns
I can't promise I'll be around

See the wax it melts,
So painfully slow
But the sparkler,
Knows how to put on a show

The wax could warm me,
And make me feel whole,
Scented with safety and patience

But the fireworks?
They make my heart race,
And for a second it's my only focus

And I know what they'll say
You can relight a candle,
A sparkler's a one time thing

But that won't stop me,
From fighting for the spark
Even if it keeps me on my knees

You're like fireflies in July
The air is thick
The night is dark
Your light mesmerizing me from where I stand
I'll try all night to catch up
Quietly moving through the dark
Waiting to see your glow beside me
But I'm too clumsy
And I am not quiet
And you're always five steps ahead

I found a seashell next to your picture today.
I'm not sure how it got out of its jar
I'd like to think you moved it there.
That was your way of letting me know everything's okay
And that it's been a while since I talked to you last

Today I will cry
For the you that I wanted
For the you that I saw
For the you that you are
For the you that I loved

Never will I learn
To stay away from fire
Aware that I will be burned
Yet still I crave its heat

So I cut my hair
And changed my barbells
Switched out my hoop
And bought new clothes
Rearranged my room
Changed shampoos
But still I feel the same

I fell so easily
Into your mold
What I thought would be warm
Is now so cold
I set the oven
To 300 hundred degrees
The only thing I feel now
Is your bitter freeze

Every one knows cigarettes and liquor
Are temporary
Rough *** and late drives end as quickly as they began
You stop tripping and rolling once you wake up
How foolish of me to think you were forever

Perpetually lost
Figuratively stuck
Exhaustingly overworked
Disgustingly underpaid
Literally confused
Effortlessly cliche
Beautifully me

You've got an idea of what life is
What your life should be
It's always been there
Since you were 8
Creating the future with barbies and sims

You turn 15
Your view changes
You're gonna be cool parents
With tattoos and leniency
Married to the guy you just met
You're so in love

You turn 18 now
You decide you don't want this life
Or any life
If it's not the life you pictured
It can't be a happy one
So you pull away from all the things that made you happy

You just turned 28
Surrounded by friends
A decent job
You're smiling, laughing
Reminiscing even
Only remembering the good

I miss Sunday mornings
On the couch with coffee
After a long Saturday night
Spent with nicotine and your body

I miss your t-shirts on my skin
With nothing covering yours
Your head on my lap
Just ignoring all our chores

I miss riding in your car
Cozy in the passenger seat
Windows down music loud
Soaring down the street

I miss the day I left
Fighting over how it all began
Lighting up my cigarette
Promising you could be a better man

I'm just a bitter soul
In love with love
And my idealizations
I see your potential
Know what you could be
Push you to be your best
Know what we could be
But at the end of the night
That's not you
And my inbox is still empty

With an open palm
And out stretched arm
You grasp my hand
But once again you take no weight
Intertwine your fingers with mine
Make my heart skip beats
Just long enough to transfer
Your demons
They play well with mine
I've got no space
I'm filled to the max
I take them anyway
With my heart in cracks

I want to forget what I said
But I want to remember how it feels

Your promises mean nothing
Your words the same
Not quite lies
But never truthful
I don't know how to play this game
You've got me beat
For once I'll say it
I surrender
You win

All the ways I try to fill the void
Seem to make me empty

Funny how shallow needs
Create a shallow soul

With heavy eyes
And stiff bones
I say goodbye
To what was once
A home
I am afraid
I have to go
A brand new road
To be travelled alone
I won't forgot
All those good times
We had on late nights
And cheap moonshine
In my heart
I'll forever hold
As I say goodbye
To who was once a home

It must be beautiful to not be jealous
To just feel happiness
And joy for others
Not that small pain
In your stomach
The little shocks
In your brain
The ache
In your heart

If I could sit you down and make you understand my mind I would
I want to love you
I want to be loved by you
It's not that easy
Relationships are a love triangle
You, me, and my brain
My intrusive thoughts don't know when to shut up
A protective friend
A possessive ex
Always there
Hard to ignore
Eventually you'll grow tired of them popping up
But they can't be blocked
Can't put a restraining order on my mind

You can be full of life
Bursting with it
Growing hope inside you
Nauseous with happiness
Heart beating with uncertainty

It takes 5 minutes to strip it away
One choice
One decision
To throw you into a lifetime of
Pain and over thinking

I'm stuck in my head
Can't get out of bed
You leave me on read
You don't care what I said

I can't feel love
Not even heaven above
Your hearts I will shove
I'm someone to dispose of

It's all good and well
My hopes have all fell
My soul I will sell
I'm going to hell

Surrounded by people I love
Never quite sure if they love me
Not sure I'd believe that they did

Surrounded by people who care
Never quite sure if it's true
Not sure I can confide in them

Surrounded by my own thoughts
Never quite sure why they're so mean
Not sure I can disagree with them

Surrounded by pain and trauma
Never quite sure who to tell
Not sure they would stay after

My mother is stronger everyday
Or maybe she's always been
This way
And I'm just now paying attention.

Maybe I'm just now seeing her daily struggles
Understanding her pain
Past and present.

Just now noticing how having a baby
At 16
Changes you forever
Never knowing who she could have been.

Always knowing I ruined chances at her dreams
Not that she would ever say that
But I did.

Every day passing seeing her more tired than yesterday
Working constantly since I can remember
Always being the supporter.

Just now wondering if she ever wonders who will support her
Or how we will function
Without her.

We won't.
It took me 20 years to appreciate my mother
And I'll never take her for granted again.