I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful, I need you to show me I am cause words can only go so far before the wrong one's leave a scar.
   I'm not proud of the way I look, I hate everything about myself, I'm so insecure and I know that, I acknowledge it.
  But just this once I want your action not words to show me how beautiful I am to you.

How can one have such sadness in her eyes, the kind that pierces the soul and grips the heart.
   How can the light and laughter dissipate, leaving behind the remains of being broken so many times before, like all the  life and joy went away leaving this cold empty shell filled with so much anger and hurt.
    How can i look in the reflection and see these eyes staring back at me.

Here I am feeling hopeless, drowning in my own tears and despair while you're laying in the other room on your phone without a care.
  You don't know how I feel cause every time I try to tell you what is real you ******* off like it's no big deal.
  But I'm tired of trying I'm tired of fighting, I've lost the twinkle making my eyes shine so brightly.
  I'm sorry if I'm disappointing, trust me I'm really trying.
  I'm sorry I'm not what you were wanting, it's why my face has become so haunting.

It's 1am and here I am laying in your bed,
                                                   wishing you were here,
                                                           ­                             instead;
  You're 2,593 miles from me....

I feel so alone, the hollow shell of an empty soul.
Wishing for someone to hold me as I'm falling, deeper and deeper.
You've been gone for so long,it feels like a knife's been wedged between us and I don't know how to fix it.
I know you don't notice the strain on my part trying to say something that isn't stupid or irrelevant to you, it's hard...
I feel like I'm swallowing glass, the shards tearing apart my throat..
Keeping me from saying what I'm thinking or feeling..
Please understand... I need a helping hand...

A year ago today... that's when you came.. back into my life and changed it for the better.. You taught me how to love and be loved... you showed me how just a gentle touch can be all someone needs...
you showed me that no matter how broken I feel you'll be there to pick me up and help me as I try to walk..through this molasses like water.. you helped me through some of my lowest points, and cheered me on through my highest, you're my best friend, my rock, my other half you completed me when I thought I was losing myself and you showed me the light, I know you'll always be there and I'm truly, madly deeply in love with you, to the moon and more.

I need someone...
I feel so lost, I don't know who I am or who I want to be...
You try to comfort me, tell me it's all going to be ok;
but it never is....
Why is it never ok....
I'm lost in this dark curtain of depression,
     searching for a way out of this hell i call my mind...
Please help me.... anyone..... I can't do this anymore...
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry......

Alone...
Whether I'm in a crowded room,
                                        or alone with you....
                                                          It never seems to be enough...
I guess it shouldn't bother me as much,
                                                           ­ this feeling of loneliness...
I'd grown all too familiar with it growing up...
Never fitting in,
       always the one being left out of parties and social gatherings....
This feeling of loneliness is something I'd grown accustomed to,
                     but i never expected to feel it from you....
I thought you'd be different,
      I know how much your gaming means to you and I get that,
                                                           ­                                         I really do...
I just need someone...
Someone who's always going to be there,
                                                            sure­ there'll be distractions,
      but nothing that's so self emerging and addicting that in that moment and time nothing else matters but winning...
I just need that constant reassurance,
                                       that you're not going anywhere,
                                                       ­                            that I'm ok...
All i want is to be ok..... Not Alone......
        I want, no, I crave that comfort, like a warm blanket and cozy socks,
       curled up at a window to watch the rain as it pours down outside...
God I feel so alone.....

2018.... What a year...
           I lost a lot... I'm sorry..
I'm so sorry, I wasn't enough for you... I tried, I tried so hard but that
                                                   didn't get me anywhere...
You left... left me stranded... nowhere to go...
                         no one to turn to but the whistling of the wind....
no one to talk to but the demons in my head...
                                         I was so alone.... And scared... I miss you...
but I was never enough to keep you satisfied...
                                        not being enough seems to be all I'm good at....

Why...
                                  I ask myself,
Why can't i be good enough?
       I'm either too quiet or too loud,
too energetic or too dull, lifeless...
        I'm too nice or too mean,
too dramatic or too emotionless, numb...
       I feel everything or i don't feel enough...
                     Why...
     Am i never good enough?
   I love myself yet i despise my existence...
                     Why...
Is it that the only person who thinks I'm
                                                                ­           enough,
    is the person who deserves the world,
                                                          ­           the world i can't provide...
  But maybe he can show me that for once,
                                                           ­                 I am good enough...

I feel so lonely...... I don't know why anyone like's me....... I try to be nice and show to everyone that I'm a happy person but every time I make a new friend I end up more in pain than before.... During my entire life I had given more love  than received
I just..... I can't do this anymore................ Being alive hurts too much........................... I just wanna die........... I can't **** myself
yet cause as always I think about my sister...... My mother....and I kind of give up....cause I don't wanna leave them here alone
but one day........................ One day i will.....and like dust i'll disappear...... Maybe no one will read this.....and it's okay
at least here I can express what is in my mind...............................................one day I will set myself free

They say be careful,
            that a ginger will steal your soul..
But this one in particular was different from the start;
    He stole my heart..

You said you loved my eyes my smile at night,
You could look at them forever...
You whispered sweet compliments in my ear,
Though I never believe it.
I love the way you make me feel...
Like for the first time in my life I can breathe,
Feeling you hold me close half asleep,
Makes me think maybe there really is such thing as peace....

Why can't I seem to ever be enough?
You tell me I'm wonderful, smart, beautiful, caring,
but then you turn around and act like we never had a thing
that we didn’t run away into the night full of adventures and wonder...
I wonder..
Was it ever real to you?

I need a break from reality.
Headphones in, music blasting... Block out the world..
For a little while. It doesn't have to be forever.
Though I wouldn't mind if it was, you seem happy.
Or at least content.. I'll always want the best for you even if that means with out me.

Thoughts racing, heart chasing.
You're mad, I'm sad.
Can't stop shaking, there's no faking
When I see you in the halls,
I stall, hide behind a pillar, a friend, anything
Just to avoid the awkward eye contact.
I'm not good at confrontations, at the mere thought of it I flee..
You might think I'm crazy or immature,
But when you told me to stop talking to you my mind went a blur..
My friends say you're overreacting, over something so small.
I fear you'll dump me, leaving me lonely..
I'm so sorry.. Please forgive me?

I didn't mean to, please forgive me?

You make me feel like I'm floating in the darkness...
When your lips touch mine it's like I can finally breathe...
And when you hold me close, pressed against your firm body, you make me feel safe, and protected...
I hope to be the star in your darkest nights, and the warmth you feel on your lightest days...

You make me feel light as air, gazing at the world without a care...

Work in class they say. Do what you're supposed to do they say. Well they seem to say a lot of ******* things. They say sometimes we need to do things to feel, a way to express, but they don't really care about what your need or feel is. They want you to be what they want and what they want to see. Nothing changes unless you try and initiate that change. Some people think that death is the most sought after thing for relief they don't really want to end it forever they just want to feel and they want to end the hurt, the pain, or just their thoughts. They just want relief that's all it is. People look at addictions and they see them as foul and derogatory, but the people who have them see it as an escape from the world or from their minds. That's what most of them are. We can't be a shadow forever.

People don't die until their memories are gone...

I want you to love every shattered... jagged... broken... piece of me.
Love my twisted heart and tattered soul...
My restless thrashing mind, bring me peace in time...
I don’t want you to look at my crumbling mountain and flee...
Would you take the time,
To love me for me?
Or would you turn away in disgust, laugh at my weakness?
I wouldn’t blame you, nor would I be shaken...
you wouldn’t be the first to leave me with my heart
                                                    Breakin......
But please be the first to hold me in the cold and fill me with warmth...

His smile warms me, as I melt into his embrace...
Leaning into him, my head on his chest,
Drifting to the lull of his heartbeat as he caresses my hand...
His head on mine... Jumbling my thoughts...
He sings in choir, his voice lulling my mind into a peaceful sleep ...

Livid... Boiling inside...
I wan to scream, yell, bring myself pain...
I am i so stupid.... why'd I do that?

Him, he goes to my school...
Breathtaking is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of him,
Which ironically is often...
His short red hair soft as fur, skin warm and comforting...
He probably doesn't  like me in any way, and that's okay...
Gosh he's so talented, his voice is bliss...
He makes me nervous, when I'm around him my words get trapped... How wack is that?
I'm not one for showing emotions, but I'm trying...
He's a gorgeous person and, I really like him...
I wonder if likes me to....

I told you I wanted to die...
You immediately said no...
Didn't ask why... Just a no...
Why so direct, no hesitation?
You surely don't actually like me... Like I like you...
Maybe I've been living in an illusion...
I'm getting anxious...
I'm crumbling, I don't think you've noticed,
I'm distancing myself again, pushing away...
I'm getting bad again, I don't know what is worse...
You ignoring me, or me pushing you away (everyone away)...
I'm a wreck, a lost cause, maybe you should give up on me...
I would if I where you... I'm not worth it... Trust me... Please?

Wondering...
I wonder if you're ignoring me...
Did I do something wrong?
Wondering...
Do you actually like me, the real me?
Did I say something wrong?
Wondering...
What if's cloud my mind...
What if it wasn't me you where into...
What if I read your messages wrong? Got the wrong memo?
What if I'm not good enough, to many problems, odd...
What if you never liked me to begin with?
What if... What if... What if...
What if I'm wrong?

Silence... Violent... Deffening... Destructive...
Silence is, dreadful... Desolate...
Yet all at once, silence is, the rain pouring down,
ricocheting off this small towns beating heart...
Silence is, the sun, blinding... Beautiful... Bright... Just like you...
A reminder that there's light in the night...
Though it may come as a bite... Full of disasters, could I ask her?
The weight of it crashes down on me, silencing my pleas...
When can I be free?

It's just another performance... that's all...
Breathe, you'll be fine.... you've done this before...
Just smile, they won't notice you're crashing inside...
One... two... three... four... count till your next cue...
All with a smile on your face...