The First man to ever love me broke me Made me feel I was never enough I called you daddy but, you barley know me Raised me to abandon me For years I longed for you All I wanted was a message or a call Don't even know my birthday And that hurts most of all So much anger and pain I'm so ashamed, that you're my father Lucky enough you still get that name Because if not that id live my life ashamed So many words unsaid So many actions to undo But I'm over it So in order to mend things it's up to you
What does it mean to be Emotionally unavailable? My manic thoughts keep me starving for An imagined happy
“Are you single?” They asked Well, my heart is as open as an old wound That reopens & bleeds & scars for Vicarious validation Yet closed in the sense that it shuts down Every time it starts to feel something Almost habitually, As if in self defense I guess you could say my heart was a Twisted & distanced kind of available...
But no I’m not available in my mind Because it knows better than my Feeling ***** The human container that’s headstrong To it’s gullible nature My thinking ***** knows that Vicarious happy is not real happy Which labels my forehead like a neon sign Emotionally Unavailable
I crave a validation that looks like your love But it won’t fix me Or provide the happiness I Desperately need for myself
A deep..Haunting..Unique shade of blue-green... With flecks of night sky placed in such delicate haphazardness, I look away... Not out of fear or dismal...No... But out of the tsunami of emotions that course through me... You calm me, tame my wild thoughts that tell me every positive thing you say about me is wrong... Your eyes pierce through my cold & warms my heart, As you put my shattered soul together again piece by piece... With just your eyes you make me sane; Even in the darkness...
I can't leave him because he's already been gone. Truth is, I don't even think he was ever really there. The saddest part of this, I actually thought he was. I fixed his broken heart, by giving him mine, and all he did was go back to the girl that had broken his, and now he is giving her my heart, only so she could destroy it all over again. I no longer see the good in him, and that's how it always should have been. I can't wait till I get over him. It's going to be great, he will try to come back and I have to be strong and say " I can't take you back."
I can't be sad anymore. I can't think of him anymore. I can't let him be the complete end of me. I can't let him go. I can't stop loving him. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't keep doing this. I can't stay strong. I can't act like I'm fine. I can't be happy all the time. I can't be sad all the time. I can't let the thought of him be the end of happy me. I can't.....
I feel like the world is vibrating way to fast today and if I stop to think for even a bit to long little slivers of my sanity will begin to shake off and float away in the wind. I feel like everything is so far away from me and no matter how much I run in any direction it just keeps getting farther and farther away and maybe it will all simply vanish. I feel like today that if no one was to touch me even just my hand I might dissappear and that maybe just maybe im remembering a memory or maybe I am a memory and none of this is real. I feel like if I dont cry right this very moment I will forget how to control my feelings and all of my emotions may just seep out all at once and I will cease the ability to be understood by anyone ever again. I feel like im breaking in to peices and no matter how tightly I shut them my eyes dont want to stay in my head and no matter how many times I rub them together my hands cant find a spot to rest and no matter how much I hum and shush at it my heart will not stop beating so loudly I feel that ,and maybe Im just thinking out loud here, but I maybe might just a little bit but im pretty sure im going insane.
People tell me I'm strong but maybe I'm just a good actress I try to keep the show going, but alone I break.
Yes, I break and I'm only a human heartless from the countless others who sworn they stay? Maybe, but human nonetheless I am the master of "I'm fine", so good I'll soon destroy myself.
Nothings fine and it rarely is after years of emotional emptiness you become numb trying everything just to feel something again. I'm tired of bring broken is it too late to be fixed? Its possible that I have destroyed myself beyond repair