If you could just stay around me all of the time
that would be great
carry me when I'm feeling like I can't stand anymore,
hold the weight,
prop me up and shower me in confidence when I can't find any of my own
kiss my bruises
and form me into something beautiful
in your eyes I am always magnificent,
I need more of that in my life

maybe I am guilty of needing you too much
I always said I would never let my soul rely on another,
but
with you it's like breathing,
it's just too easy

now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes

Ive known you for approximately 6209.1225 days
Which is equivalent to 17 years
When people think of love,
they never consider the bond between a sister
and her
twin.
Its a God given best friend
a pal for life,
someone who will always have your back,
the yin to my yang,
my better half,
While you may be bullheaded and stubborn,
I can be quite openminded and forgiving
and between the two
we balance out,
we make an equilibrium.
It's me and you against the world
from Beanie babies to paychecks,
from ice cream trucks to a Corsica,
It was me and you
all along.
Even if our Mother made a million mistakes
I have to thank her for giving birth to the other half of my heart.
I know Ill never be alone because
you're always right there by my side.

I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

You may not be able
to see the first signs of fall because
it shows up the same way
as love does
you feel it first
Over night suddenly everything
is somehow,
Different
As if Mother Nature and us
are connected
we are find ourselves changing
with the seasons
And as the nights grow
colder
the happier I will feel

is it selfish to hope that my son
turns out more like me
to hope he cares more about things
like the lunar eclipse or the lifetime of a tree over the next level on a video game?

to see the world through a wider set of eyes
and to know there is much more to life than the day to day routines
that nature matters
and so does recycling and knowledge of plants

reading should still be done out of books
and learning to write in cursive still matters
I hope he sees the beauty in the stars
and how small but important we are in the vast universe we get to be apart of
how what we do here on earth
effects our solar system

when he gets older I hope he realizes
other people's feelings around him
how the things he says and does truly effect someone else
I hope he cares about his health
that he dosent smoke and dosent drink too much
is conciencious of his eating choices
and goes for an apple over chips
I hope he sees he only has one life
and that he sets out to make the most of it

I hope he is never too ******* himself
because he realizes no one is perfect
and that he takes the time to
take care of himself
I hope he wants to live in this world over the makeshift realities brainwashing todays Youth through TV and games
I hope he questions who he is
and who he wants to be even in the good times not just the bad

I hope when the next lunar eclipse comes around
he will want to watch it with his Mom
because he knows how much she adores both the moon and her son

there are days where it's like cold rain pours over me
soaking me to the bone
leaving me weighed down and heavy
left to wring out my clothes and my soul with all the energy I have left

when my brain is overcast and I just can't see the sun
you're there to bring the blue back to my eyes and shower me in warmth
leaving me feeling golden
pouring all you can give into me
feeding my roots and helping me bloom,
so that I can be brighter

Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?

Tall, skinny, dark skin tanned by the sun
a football t-shirt with his school logo
the same high school I graduated from
walking ten feet in front of his mother
head down, nose in his smartphone
he slows his pace and meets up with her
in the Halloween section
I hear her ask,
"What are you going to do for red ribbon week?"
to which he rose his head for two seconds to reply with annoyed snarkiness,
"I don't know but I'm not wearing anything on my face.."
off he goes
nose in his phone
and suddenly my heart wrenched for her
for him
for that tone and the way he is missing out on this time with his Mom even though it seems so mundane to a teenage boy to grocery shop with his Mother
the saying is true
you won't appreciate your parents until it's too late and you're already grown and out of the house
I felt for myself
I'm having a son
and all I could think was
'what if one day that's me, watching my teenage son ignore me on his smartphone I pay way too much for so he can get on Facebook and waste his thoughts on brainwashing Internet trends, not caring to really talk to me anymore, or even care if I exist'

what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream

I think I'm just bloated but today I feel fat
my period is probably just going to start soon
maybe that's why when I spotted those dreaded stretch marks between my legs while shaving it totally ruined my day
it's a bad combination of insecurities
flaws I pick and pick at until it drives me insane
my thighs are too thick one day
and the next I feel like showing off my legs
my tummy is too round this week so big shirts it is
I know if I don't eat much for a couple of days I'll be happy when my abdomen sinks back in
but then I'll feel bad that I did that just to feel good about myself again

when I think of regrets in this life
there are more than I could count on both hands and feet
regret is natural and normal and healthy
but some of it is not
the kind that creeps up on you day after day
when your brain isn’t fully involved in something or a conversation and so there is space to fill with memories, ideas, or a bunch of nonsense
or all of the bad things you’ve ever done in your whole entire life
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone or said them out loud even
the past ruminates in my conscious
waiting to bite me in the most random moments when I least expect it
several sentences in and I still can’t get it out
the words are there right behind my lips but I can’t get them out
I might die one day being the only one who knows

At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

You said you wanted me to come over, and even though it was nearly midnight, I agreed.
I hit every red light between here and your house: start stop wait and wait and wait and start just to stop and wait again, stuck listening to weight-loss infomercials,right-wing talk radio,that god-awful jingle for the lawyer that tries to sound like a wild-west cowboy.
Idling under these red cyclops eyes, I wanted
to tell you that this had to stop, that I was going home, that I’d see you tomorrow, maybe,but I finished the drive and remembered why:
the red scent of your hair;your lips against my neck, saying,“I’m glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re here.”

I'm tired of being jealous of other people's lives
I want to make a life that someone else is envious of
that makes them want to change their lives for the better
that makes them question how they're living or what they really wanna do
If they're staying true to themselves
or just doing what everyone else wants

Tonight just isn't going my way
I am not in the best mood and
apparently neither is he
I got excited for no reason
did my makeup for no reason
looked forward to today for no reason
I may as well have never gotten out of bed
It just isn't my day
I want to be in a better mood
I want to cheer up
In less than an hour we will be in bed
and today will be over

I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place

Forever is wishful timing,
but I'd spend my life with you
just to find out how long we can make it last
if we are only made up of minutes and seconds like the ticks on a clock,
I'd do anything at all to make those arms turn,
just to keep your hands on me

things that bothered me yesterday
I can’t even remember today
so while the anxiety and troubles have passed
I’ll just soak up this feeling while it lasts

I’ll love you forever if you let me
If you want me to
If you feel the way I do
because I believe you hung the moon
and we met in the galaxies
somewhere when our souls were just stardust
and energy
our vibrations are higher together
I have met you in every life and I’ll meet you in every single one after this
I remember whispering to you
“I have waited for you for so long, I’m so glad I found you”

everywhere I turned there was a screeching child around every aisle
begging, whining, crying,
faces red, tears rolling as they throw probably their fifth or sixth temper tamtrum all day
right there in the middle of walmart
parents faced drained of life
trying to get in and out
while rounding up their child
dragging them by the arm
giving them what they want so they stop asking even three aisles away from the object
I bent down to grab my cupcake holders and I hear little feet running up beside me
and a young boy goes bolting by me,
a box of fruit roll ups in his hands
and I watch as he throws it in the cart and the mother continue to walk as if that didn't just happen
as I stand the sound of screams echoes
through the grocery section
and all I can think is
GO GO GO
GET ME OUT OF HERE
my lungs felt heavy
my breath was coming in quick
small gasps
I started sweating under my arm pits
my mind closing around the sounds of
bratty children screaming behind me
beside me
in front of me
as if the sounds were taunting me
I dropped the two items I had on a random shelf and headed toward the door as fast as my feet would take me
pushed open the doors and ran to my car
where I turned the ignition on
stepped on the gas and flew out of the parking lot
I gasped for air when I got on the road
I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath
was that going to be my life?
was I about to nurture
love
clean
change diapers
fall in love
with a hateful, selfish, evil little demon
that would fool me for a few months of absolutely adorable babyness before turning into Satan spawn right before my eyes
begging, screaming, whining when they don't get their way
who was I kidding
I've always hated children
and in return they've hated me back
just last week a boy told me my leggings were gay
what made me think my son would be any different?
I didn't calm down until I got to sit in silence
just the sound of my cars engine
and my own breathing
I swore right then and there
even if it kills me, I would never let my child be that kid
I refused to let my life end up the way those parents in walmart had turned out
kids will be kids but my child will
never chase a pregnant woman out of a store in an absolute panic second guessing motherhood

I didn't ask to be made so sensitive
to have days where words feel like they can bruise me
or looks can cut right through me
I didn't mean to be born with skin as fragile as porcelain
and a heart made of glass
if a small bump can break me,
with one slip I would shatter

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

We fell in love in cars…

You can call this an ode to our love and to the cars
That played along as we drove by all these smoky bars,
They held us while we fell, from under these streetlights,
Its dark out here but the moon is rather bright.

While you were sitting in the front seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deep in love with you.
Your hopes became my hopes, your dreams my dreams too,
Instead of empty streets, there lay a golden shore,
Who would have thought we’d be there so many times before?

And soon you found yourself sitting in that seat next to mine,
On a cruise off to nowhere where we could lose track of time.
And I sure was smitten by that smile I brought to your eyes,
The first time I truly believed cars could fly.

From the topics of life out on the open road,
To all the silly little jokes we’ve told;
Fate found its way to our hearts through the
Wheels of our tires on our hand me down cars.

We fell in love in cars,
And on these country roads, back when we had time to waste
with no where else to go.
and no matter where we end up, no matter how very far,
Our love will be woven into the bones inside these cars.

the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
frozen spaghetti
for one
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
settling
hoping for something better

these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone

I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom

with a few drinks
a couple friends
loud music
and
laughing so hard
it hurts to breathe
it's easy to feel like
everything is right
in life
I've thought for so long
that people who drink their
feelings away had it all wrong
but it turns out I wasn't the one
who was right
I like forgetting about
life for awhile
I like being able to be me
with no restrictions
or concern for anyone's feelings
or even having to worry
about anyone else
All I need is myself

There's this part of me,
that longs to be alone

other people become weights
that are to heavy for me to carry

some people think I am an idea in their head,
this fantasy woman they made up somehow along the way
and transferred onto me when they met me
like I am a concept for them
to make them happy, to be the thing that they have always needed

when in reality
I am just me
and I get angry and I'm stubborn and impossible sometimes
I'm just a girl who is messed up too,
trying to find her place in this world,
just like you

It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful

I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am

The fan is on, the constant hushing sound adding rhythm to the room
I can hear the hum of cars passing by outside my window
a added sense that I am not alone even though I am here by myself
Novembers cooling touch has crept in
nipping at my toes, drying my already dry pale skin
my favorite time of year when life seems to slow down, putting a glow on the usually bland days
here in my bed under the warmth of my flannel blankets all is right with my world
but my brain still finds something to bring the anxiety out
I thought if I started writing down my thoughts on paper it would lessen the night time stress
but then I stress about not writing on the nights I forget
the streetlight outside my window flashes a constant shadow on my wall
and I find comfort in that
something about the added light on my wall is friendly, familiar
when my brain finally shuts off I fall into dreams of my past
of people I haven't seen in years, all the stories blend into one
repeating like a rerun
at least I still have dreams
even if they're only in my sleep

I remember the night the moon got huge and then faded to black
I spoke to you in my belly and wished for you to love the sky like I do

I don't know what love is anymore
I could just as easily confuse it with how I feel about cigarettes

addicting and enjoyable
yet it's killing me

It is disappointing
that every thing you think and build up in your mind
is better than the reality of it

the last time i went home
i went into my moms room
and
i stole my moms pants
because they smelled
like
home

Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

My problem is I don’t let people use me anymore
if you don’t understand how that’s a problem
then you’re being used by someone
I refuse to let another human take advantage of my kindness or have some of my energy they do not deserve
even if it’s just a smile or to make them laugh
they do not deserve me
they do not get to use me up just for their own gain
by being so aware
it causes me to become outcast from others often
I feel their energies and vibes so strongly it makes my stomach churn
some people carry darkness around them
but only a few of us can see it
those dark pieces try to soak up any light left in anyone who has enough to take
but oh, when I meet those who shine
they can be so bright they are blinding

This is the perfect time to write
I’m right at the end of 25 years on this planet
Sitting in a bar at 3:14 pm on a cold Thursday in January, 2021
I’ve had a bad day
So I decided driving by this bar that I was gonna stop and have a drink because that’s what I needed today
So far I was right
I ordered a angry orchard on an empty stomach and drank the first half really quickly so I’d get that good buzz really quickly
the nice bartender, an older lady asked me if wanted food so I asked for a menu because, why not?
I’m broker than ever and can’t really afford to be doing what I’m doing right now but what’s an extra 6.99 on pretzel sticks with beer cheese?
It’s beer cheese for heavens sake.
when the going gets tough, the tough get going
to get a good drink on tap
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time
I get lucky I guess
My whole life has been built on me
Completely on me to decide where I’m gonna go and how my life is going to look
That’s kind of scary honestly
that my life and my sons life relies completely on my shoulders
I can’t ***** up
I can’t give up
So we will just keep going

On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it

how is it possible to be a person on the days that leave you feeling empty?

why doesn't that count as a good reason for a sick day at work
or a reason to take a break from life
responsibilities
until your soul feels better
or at least a little normal again

how can I be expected to be a mother, a friend, a coworker, anything
when my insides are bending and breaking and my brain is unable to connect the dots

when my hands won't work
and my legs don't feel strong enough to hold my weight
and my mouth forgot how to speak

how can I be a person
when I've forgotten that I'm even alive?

I like being around women
who stand up for something they truly believe in so much you can hear it in their voice
not because they are trying to be right
but it's because that is what they FEEL is right
How do most of the women in the world forget how we were born amazing, graceful, goddesses with super powers?
So many women let men walk over them and then blame it on a man for being an "***" or a "****" but you were the stupid ****** who keeps allowing these guys to treat you that way.
because ****** when something bothers you or offends you, say it. Don't run to your girlfriends and ***** about what you "would have said", just let it out because how are men supposed to know that what they say or do is hurting us without constantly reminding them. If you say anything enough it's bound to set in, and grab your **** and leave that ******* because yes that is exactly what he is and go find yourself a guy who is more than muscle tone and good looks, someone who looks at you like you are the sun and he is your earth rotating around you sharing in your light. It's not as difficult as the world these days makes it look, show some respect and yes as a woman, you need to show a little more and then the respect will come back to you. We have to work harder to be respected because that's life, but it's the way you handle the situations you're put into that really shine into your character. These challenges are what makes being a woman so empowering because we've fought and we've won. Search for your soul ladies and not the closest Starbucks. Talk about life, your dreams, your hopes, your talents more than you talk about other peoples lives or t.v or what you hate, or what you **** at doing, be proud of being you. It's not something you have to work for, it's there inside of you. Look for it and it will look back. Women make the world go around, men need us just as much as we feel like we need them. Be kind, think of your man once in awhile before you get so offended or start to be selfish. We go through nine months of pregnancy and it's gross, and painful, and you get fat and you swell but it's beautiful! We got blessed with something only women get the chance of doing. Isn't that special? Our bodies are so amazing we can form a life inside of us and then go through hell giving birth and come out okay. Be proud of being a woman but don't be cocky and believe me, there's a difference. Do something good for you, not for social media. Quit worrying about being fat or style or if you're wearing make up or not because who are you trying so hard for? Is it really them or is it you? Embrace your inner spirit, strength, peace, understanding and harmony and your life will flourish. We only get one body, love yours.