I just had my panic attack.
If we are still together,
And I pray that we are,
Thank you for everything.

I just found this in my notebook and I had a panic attack of my own. Memories of you flood in and just destroy me. I hate thinking of you and I hate the fear I feel when you're brought up. That was the worst time of my life. I hate that every day something reminds me of you and I'm brought back into that depression and self hatred I felt. I hate it all.
#ex   #panic   #attack   #abusive  

when the words are hard to express out loud
or other people just can't seem to understand
I write to release all my anger or frustration
grabbing a pen or a sharpened pencil in my hand
leaving smudged lead or wet ink on my finger tips
scribbling jotting down all the thoughts that attack
conquering my mind trying hard to escape my lips
releasing emotions that pull me down or hold me back
the knotted tongue of confusion is loosen now untied
I'm able to climb out from the depths of the dark pit
grabbing Life's sturdy rope that depression tried to hide

V Anne
Dec 24, 2016

I want to forgive you
to have an open heart
and a spirit of generosity.

But that feels nearly impossible.

How can I forgive you
for Facebook Messages
that left me shaking?

How can I forgive you
for denying the assault
and hanging up the phone?

I’ve never felt more grief.
I’m grieving.
I’m in pain.

And it’s hard to forgive
when I still cannot

#love   #pain   #hurt   #forget   #grief   #panic   #attack   #phone   #forgive   #assault  
Dec 23, 2016

the difference between you and i is when you have a nightmare you wake up and it ends
i wake up to get to school to relive my nightmare
the nightmare of seeing him
of feeling his presence
the honest to God fear he has me under is driving into insanity
i could use millions of words and not one could describe my hatred and fear
who i am?
where did this feeling come from
did it arrive after i understood the effect this will have
not understand leaves me wondering
clueless to the way this will follow me to my death bed
as i lay my head down to die
the flashes of images and emotions will fill my soul once more
nightmares are real
just different from what i thought about as a kid
i used to think monsters lived under my bed
now i know they live within people
they bring you into washes
they rob you
they lie
they rape
they hurt
i am done letting him control me
i say that often
i say those words every time i see him
or when i need strength
i just need to repeat it enough times so i will start believing it
lord help me
live a life full of dreams not nightmares
i want more
i desire
desire is a fire that depends on power
power at which i don’t contain
powerthirst on control from others because of a lack oneself
the emotional security one can not give feeds into anger
mistakes are failed risks that seem to have this hold on our souls as if that has the power we have been searching for
so mistakes are our minds negative power
then successes are our positive power
nothing makes sense
we are flawed humans stitched up with cravings
these cravings can be used for glory or for the evil that we conform to
we should use the craving to move us out of the darkness instead of pain
we should push to the happiness that is reachable
we refuse to do what we were called to do
the nightmare i can not wake up from
a life i did not choose but can not awake from

#suicide   #broken   #sad   #depression   #pain   #hurt   #heartbroken   #attack   #rape   #blame  
Dec 23, 2016

hold me tight please
the memories are coming on strong
more intense
the sounds he made
the words he spoke
they way it felt
the images
it’s all coming back
so clearly
oh his voice
i used to not care about the once strangers voice
now it replays itself until i want to scream
i would rather never hear again if that means not hearing his voice in my head
hours i have cried
days have gone by without a single positive thought
i sit and stare out my window replaying the event
i am still not sure what got into me
why did i have to lose my fucking mind
ruined my whole life
i went down to that wash
i shouldn’t of
i shouldn’t of even left my house
i shouldn’t of texted him
i shouldn’t of talk to him
i shouldn’t of met him
let’s take it back to the start when strangers remain strange
where that scenario would never happen to me
where lust was willing
where no meant no
and stop mean’t stop
not “i am almost done”
i can not explain the emotions i am feeling
watching him watch me
he sends fear up my spine
he brings a new meaning to fear
i need him to leave me alone
not alone with my thoughts
never being able to tell him what i think
the lack of control he has in his life is disgusting
i need to ignore him, right?
that’s what everyone is telling me
it’s kinda hard when he is my trigger
he has my power
i will never break free
i am a slave to the chains he has put me in
he is the meaning of hatred
the reason i scream and cry
the reason i can’t trust or love people the same

#love   #broken   #sad   #addiction   #hate   #sadness   #drugs   #heartbroken   #attack   #rape  
Dec 23, 2016

Opia- the intense feeling of staring into someone's eyes
I can still see his eyes watching me on that bus
I can see him following behind me into that easy
holding my hand
how foolish
I can see these events that lead up to my own rape
I can picture his eyes
As I struggled to get away
He held me down
looking into my eyes
He saw my hurt
He saw the damage he was doing
to my body
That intense look
The images of him
Near me before this
it is dragging me down
I can't blame myself forever
I can't keeping thinking I could of stopped this
I got into something I couldn't get out of
I played with fire and felt the burn
that's my fault
I could of stopped him
I should've done something
that look
I wish someone else saw that look
His face
my face
He saw me as nothing less than a rusted gate
How shameful I should be
I should hate myself
For trusting
I wish I was more like kaitlynn
She doesn't trust like I do
I hate myself for this
I am to blame
the feeling of losing all power
of being helpless
it drowns out all sound
in this crowded earth
full of sound
i become silenced in my own shame
with in my own being
i am silenced
opia is that feeling i’ve been searching for to describe him

#sad   #depression   #pain   #gay   #sadness   #hurt   #attack   #lgbt   #lgbtq   #rape  
Scott F Hemingway
Scott F Hemingway
Dec 15, 2016

As cricket still a widget
and insure that noir not cankerous
though evening nigh round ten
whether it resorts at the door affirmatively sound
or an answer with divine presence there
but as countdown in air midst with his rap indenture
till another person knocks it down again tonight.

#home   #theater   #rap   #attack   #sport  
Dec 9, 2016

a single tear fell out of my eyes
i felt his fingers tracing part of my body that embarrass’ me to admit
i cried out for someone to help me
i was alone in that wash facing fears of not only being hurt but facing the fear of myself
myself in terms of changing who i was to impress a boy
for what?
to be pained with these feelings of anger and fear
it just keeps replaying in my head like a broken record
like a shattered memory
like a sharp pain in the right side of my brain
a rush of emotions buried inside me
trying to get away
screaming no
chills run up my spine
my skin becomes ill
my body becomes sick and tired
my mind became fearful of the future
“please don’t” the only words he listen to
already inside me
i can feel it on my chin and my lips
sometimes the thought attacks me along with the feeling on my chin
catching my breathe
the feeling is much like water filling lungs
i can still see his face when he was on top of me
saying those words
repeating those words
mind growing numb to the sound of screams
dreams of something greater seems to slowly melt into nothing
the desire of leaving and running turns into a oblivion
back arches
nervously pushes him off
i am prey to him
his eyes
his eyes are unlike i’ve ever seen
his eyes suffocated me
in all of the hell in his completion
the thoughts drown out the sounds coming from his mouth
the feeling of his hands grabbing my hips and dragging me against the sand and forcing me …
the image replays in my mind
looking down at my feet
covered in dirt
eyes start to cry
wiping my tears and gathering my thoughts i crumble
understanding what he did to my body requires a shower
this all went wrong, how did i end up where i stand
in a wash, bruised, broken, fearful, pained, i don’t understand how i got here!

#sad   #depression   #pain   #sadness   #abuse   #teen   #help   #tumblr   #grunge   #attack  
N H Nabass
N H Nabass
Dec 3, 2016

it's crushing me
a weight on my chest pushing harder and harder until I am gasping for air, my
thoughts are swarming and

i can't breathe
my anxiety is suffocating

it's suffocating


Early morning routine.
A King
A King
Nov 30, 2016

What power does a moment have?
If it is forever trapped in time?
I'm broken, I'm tired
A snapshot burns, stuck in my mind

Mondays were never my favorite days
mundane minutes go by under the dreary rain landscape
A simple message can change it all
What goes up is doomed to fall

Shots fired, what's going on?
Screams tear out, as if they're the beat to a song
A haunting melody drifting in out of dreams
Breaking every human that's stuck on the scene

So close yet so far away
A million texts coming through with every breath I take
"A knife, they say"
"A shooter has been spotted"
"Bomb squad is on its way"
Stabbings, slicing, bones in the fray
Fevers pulsing, hearts convulsing, what has been seen?

- - - - - - -
need to shut my brain off just so I can think
- - - - - - -

Oh where do I go?
Stuck inside a movie theater as chaos
rings out, steps away from home

Oh do I have the time?
Each second feels like
another lost life

But do I have the strength?
This isn't a nightmare
this is reality.

So yesterday there was a violent attack on the college campus that I study at. Thankfully, none of the victims' wounds are fatal; this is an attempt to categorize and verbalize my feelings towards the frightening event.
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