you ask me who i am,
but rather you should ask what i am not.
i am a soul who was once so lost.
i was walking a path that only brought destruction.
i blamed myself for not being good enough.
i inflicted wounds onto my skin,
i restricted my hunger,
i tried to end it all one day
and then i heard the voice.
i am not sure who it belongs to,
but it saved my life.
Do not let this fool you,
i did not want to be saved.
i did not want to breathe.
i was a girl
who had played too many games,
fought too many battles,
and lost too much hope.
I was a girl
who tried to call the grim keeper,
who was hospitalized by a friend,
who was touched by unwanted hands.
I was a girl
who was abused by her father,
abandoned by her family,
and fooled by her friends.
I AM NOT LONGER THAT GIRL.
I AM A GIRL
WHO IS FINALLY A FIGHTER
WHO IS FINALLY STRONG
who has finally found respect for herself.
I was broken,
my soul shattered into millions of pieces,
but i am healed
and more alive than ever.
i was lost
but now i am found.
What once was
The way we thought that it did.
Become aware of how it has been,
And how it shall be again.
So when my mind
Concurs to you who
Loves to lie beneath my skin.
My truth divides
Truth and denial
At war within.
My body doesn’t know how to keep its damn mouth shut,
Never learned how to enter a room quietly, turning no heads.
My body gets to the party before I do,
Makes my first impression for me,
Whether I like it or not.
I can’t decide if I like the attention or not.
My body asks for forgiveness, every time,
Falls to her scraped and tired knees and begs for
Always feels like she’s asking for too much,
Always feels like it is a charity to love her,
Never feels worthy of the donations.
My body turns them away every time.
She allows herself so little compassion,
I worry she’ll freeze this winter.
Melt into the spring and fall into the summer,
Will she live to see another autumn?
Another falling, dead leaf that once was green.
Will she become the autumn this year?
Will she fold into herself and die?
Will the snow of the winter bury her corpse?
My body is Sunday church service, too.
All holy, no sin and glowing from the beauty of it all.
Kneel at Her everything and give thanks,
Not everyone gets to see God like this.
Sure, she’s a false deity but at least
She’ll give you something tangible to worship, something you can put your hands on.
She won’t let you call her baby but you can still pretend she loves you.
She’ll kiss you soft and sweet but it will never feel whole.
You might want to hold her sleeping form how you hold a lover
But she won’t lie still.
She is all jaded edge and stone.
You thought she was softer.
My body is flawed and sorry enough for the both of us.
I write so many desperate poems, trying to forgive her,
But I don’t think I ever will.
I want to love her but she’s betrayed me too many times.
I gave her so many chances and she still can’t just shut the fuck up,
And walk into a room without demanding so much God damned attention.
Always speaking over me, being so damn loud.
Screaming because she feels invisible until everyone’s looking at her.
She doesn’t exist until someone speaks her into existence.
So damn needy and won’t admit it.
My body is embarrassed and blushing,
Flesh glowing red and hot to the touch.
This is the most human she has ever been.
Every move so calculated but she can’t control her own blood,
Stays boiling and bubbling and spilling over the edge.
Skin always red and screaming fraud.
You thought she was more accustomed to this but
Hands stretch to hide the ugly parts of herself she won’t show you,
You may never see them.
You accept that maybe some mysteries are better left unsolved,
And leave in search of an easier puzzle.
She has already begun to forget you.
This, too, was calculated.
I do not write to be cruel
I write to survive
I've seen what work mental illness makes out of people.
Self harm, drugs, drink, sectioning, suicide
Write to make sane the insane world
To ponder out the life I have lived
Tis better on paper, than on skin.
Tis better to be writing than hanging.
I want to leave my mark on this earth
Words enlighten, words frighten
Words teach, Words fight
You taught me my words
Now let me use them.
And lets hope I will reach 30
For if I don't, least you may have my words
When all else is gone.