15 hours ago

I'm high
So high
So high I barely feel the alcohol
So high my teeth are grinding into each other, I can hear their gnawing bone through my skull...
So high I'm flexing in-&-out of 5 of cups/5 of swords feels
In-&-out of 9 of cups/ace of cups feels
I don't want to sleep
I'm not sure if I want to speak to anyone, yet the thought that everyone is dead to the world makes me slightly sad

I wish I had a body like an instagram model. I wish I had an unlimited supply of molly.
Now I wish I had a car.
I'd drive 80mp into the middle-of-not-here
I'd listen to jointy, artful goth techno.
I'd continue to wonder if there is anything to patch up the hole inside-just right.

My head-space searching for things to sew in the fear or guilt.
Your peers think you're a fucking freak.
They think youre a toxic idiot.
They think youre homely and annoying.

Drive faster.

You don't give a fuck what they think!
You know that if any of these people, that hardly know you-think any of that. It's exaggerated and unimportant.

Turn the volume up.

Nothing is real. Really.
Everything is a choice and decision.
You're deciding to be happy. Better than ok. Better than anything.

Thousands of days spent before. Rocking backnforth. In your bed. In the corner on the floor. The bathroom at work.
None of this terror is news. And none of it was ever enjoyable. So why the fuck do you entertain it?
You remember joy. Peace of mind.

You're in control.

I really like this song. Volume higher. Alone in the boondocks. I'm alone in the darkness. The only sign of life my heartbeat&breath.;

terror to rejection. Always glancing over your shoulder. To maintain perfection. So you don't get clipped. So no one else abandons or abuses you.
You keep your heart in plexiglass.
Cloud your eyes from the opportunity to be vulnerable.

But can you trust?
I pull away. To discern contrast. To discern how I really feel.

You still choose a plan B. You can't seem to release that.
You need to find your self love. Recover it. That which has been taken from you-before you had the chance to cultivate it.
Self certainty.

I need the potion. So I never forget this cyclical pep talk.
I keep looking for that potion in booze, drugs. Positive reinforcement from others, outside of myself.

I'm so high. I need...
I need....
I'm alright.
I'm fucking happy.

#illness   #mental   #ptsd   #ramble  
23 hours ago

My bones weigh 20 pounds
Sifting in the rain
Is what it's like to realize
that's what I'll be one day
One day
I almost flocked to the door
I followed the wind outside
Let it pull me
And realize that it's not strong enough
I can stand
Firm and unmoved
With bones
We were made to face this
Now, it can pull you
What does the wind know?
I forget
You must remind yourself to worry
He then stops talking when he sees
the presence in my mind
I am here
Hearing what you're saying
I'm not storing it for later
My bones weigh 20 pounds
Sifting in the rain
My heart still beats a little faster
It wants to run away
I remind it, sweet love
you're not going anywhere
I am here
I am nowhere
but here

1 day ago

It's like you have a Lego house.
You're just an itsy bitsy tiny little lego guy.
You've been working really hard on this Lego house.
Every day it seems to get a little better, a little bigger.

And then one day you see storm clouds
And something just feels off,
like you feel it the moment you open your eyes in the morning
but you ignore it because you think it'll go away,
you've been here before,
it's probably just another tiny storm.

But you've underestimated it.
it's​ not just a tiny storm
it's a monsoon
and now it's ripping apart your Lego house from the inside.
And you don't call anyone for help
because they'd say
"oh, again?"
So you stand there
watching this monsoon tear down something that's taken you weeks to rebuild.
But you understand the routine.

When it's over
you rest.
Because that's all you can do.
And when you wake up
you add that very first Lego block
And you start building again.
You don't know where it is
You don't know when it'll be back
But you keep building
Because that's what they tell you you have to do.

#illness   #mental   #house   #lego   #wordvomit  
2 days ago

The pillow's edge
Ornamented with an ant
Its siblings crawling on the pipe underneath
This one's rebellious
Debating whether or not
to cross the border from my sock to my skin
Come on, Little Ant
What are you - Afraid?
The smells and the texture
as my leg hair sways
Come on, Little Ant
I'm doing nothing all day
Except to face my few fears
The wind wants to play
You know when a horse drags his front foot
And hangs his head a little, nudging into you
His horseshoe catching the dirt
as it drifts towards your face
Just like that
The wind wants to play
Come on, Little Ant
What are you - Afraid?
Of the taunting
And haunting
that lives in your brain
Come on, Little Ant
I'm doing nothing all day
But to burn in the relentless sun
And blow you away

#fear   #mind   #mental   #perception   #taunting   #ants  
2 days ago

i have been moving forward for years, never stopping
everything has overwhelmed me and eaten away at my being
but i still moved on
i've hid from my deepest thoughts,
buried them deep inside
kept moving without looking back

but standing here today i see everything that i skipped over,
everything that has festered and crept up behind me
so close that it invades my thoughts
taken over, there's no turning back

this is bad
#depression   #anxiety   #mental   #my   #state  

I write along the walls of my mind.

I'm going insane? I don't know. Why?

Depression grips tight in a strangling hold.

I'd rather die young then see me get old.

Working my bones eight hours a day;
far too much stress for too little pay.

Real life doesn't rhyme or ebb or flow.

Work never stops and the clock goes tick-tock.

I'll look in the mirror, what do I see?

Old eyes. Sun-scarred misery.

I've got nothing to show for myself. Sure, there are some diplomas up on a shelf—

And far too many stories I have yet to think about:

Get them out of my brain and onto the page; I'll fall into a rage sooner or later.

These thoughts of violence and nonsensical anxieties race around and around in my head. A wheel that never stops. Oh, pure OCD.

Pure. A shot of water that I swallow down and pretend that it's vodka.

No, mother, I'm not alright and it's about time that you stop telling me to try harder.

I can't pull my bootstraps up any higher or else I may strangle myself with them!

This is my last breath before drowning.

Oh, dear friend, if I don't find my salvation soon, I'll hit the bottom of the swimming pool.

I make me crazy, and I was never taught how to swim.

#illness   #anxiety   #mental   #bipolar   #ocd  
3 days ago

Flick. Lights off. You hate me, I've ruined your life. You wish id never been born, you wish i'd just have died.

Flick. Lights on. You love me, You want a second chance. You want to be my mother , we can do this again.

Flick. Lights off. You're in the dark once more. I hide behind the walls of my room, scream and lock door.

Flick. Lights on. I've stop trusting the lights, they deceive me. Even when the lights are on...ARE THEY EVER REALLY ON?!

I can't trust the lights. So I go mad in the dark. Living in a house in a room full of lies.

There's no escape from the darkness, especially when i close my eyes...

Pete King
Pete King
7 days ago

The greatest gift, yet biggest burden of mine
Is that I overthink; with no control nor choice.
A damaged, frantic mind over-working overtime
A creative heart trying to sing above the noise.
I hide this racket where the world can't see
And for dear life I cling on to the clouds.
Scared to lose grip, because what would I be
If let slip and dared touch the ground?
But then I met you; I felt my mind fall silent.
No noise I've come to fear inside my head
Every time I'm with you, my thoughts aren't so violent;
They’re filled with lyrics to a thousand love songs instead.
     If the words stay trapped behind my lips, there's still a chance maybe
     That you'll come across this poem and that's good enough for me.

5 days ago

I hate Sunday night's.

(Hate, is a strong word)

I hate having dreams.

(Hate, is a strong word)

I hate rude people

(Hate, is a strong word)

And I hate,
And sexism,
And most ism's

I hate stigmas
And social constructs,
And I hate homophobia,
And transphobia,
And everything in between,

Hate, IS a strong word,
I use,

You're DAMN right HATE is a STRONG word
#short   #sad   #hate   #depressed   #anxiety   #happy   #mental   #insane   #homophobia   #lovesad  
Charlie Wonder
Charlie Wonder
5 days ago

See this is apart of me.
I over think and complicate everything.
But don't worry.
It comes with knowing how much I care.

No I'm not possessive about love.
If you tell me something that's what I expect.
#life   #thinking   #mental   #caring   #ocd  
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