i'm glad that you love him
and i'm glad that you were there.
i'm sorry that you lost him,
and he's no longer here,

but his memory still remains,
because you are here
to remember and maybe to forget.

you have a beautiful brain
with lovely worlds
and lovely thoughts
and never underestimate that.

"What was it like to lose him?"

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever."

-bcg (it never leaves)

Listening to a song when I close my eyes and my mind travels to another world
Where your hands are around my waste and we are moving with the music
My head is on your chest and you are whispering my name into my ear
Your hand is in mine like its supposed to be and I am hours like I'm supposed to be
But then I open my eyes, take a breath, and try to forget we were almost meant to be
{bcg}

"You aren't supposed to step on the cracks, I'll tell on you," I stick my tongue out at his comment and he laughs. I saunter closer to him on the street as we close in on our destination and he wraps his arm around me. We are just about to the pet store when Peter pulls on my hand and stops on the sidewalk. I turn around confused, "What's wrong? Having doubts?"
"No, I just want to make sure you aren't."
"I'm fine, I want to do this. I'm ready, I promise."
"Do you think we're going to fast?"
I laugh and he smiles sheepishly, "I don't want you to get scared again, I don't want to rush you."
"Trust me, Peter, I'm ready for this. Let's get engaged."

We walk hand in hand into the pet store and pick out our little puppy, our ring, and our promise to each other. He's more playful than the others and his right ear won't stay upright. I like his dopy looking half smile and Peter likes his boundless energy.

After we leave the store with our new family member, Peter bends down to look eye to eye with Marshal. I watch him whisper something in his ear and it almost looks as if Marshall nods. I giggle as Peter straightens up and ask him what he had said. Peter turns to me and smiles the same kind of dopy grin Marshall had and says, "Oh I just warned him not to step on any cracks, as I am very fond of this back."

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being, and we were at the center of it all.

-bcg (we always talked about getting a dog as an engagement ring)

“Do you still think about me?”
“Well, I don’t think about you as much as you think about me.”

2. “I’m yours and you’re mine, for now”

3. “I like you”
No response.

4. “We just don’t make sense.”
“But right now, with me laying in your arms, with my head on your chest, laughing about the weather, don’t we make a little bit of sense?”
“No.”

5. “This is getting too hard, I can’t keep doing this. I don’t think we should talk anymore.
“Okay.”
“What are you thinking?”
“How mad you would be if I said, “Well this was fun,” and hung up on you”

6. “If you told me to stay, I would stay. Just ask me to stay, please.”
“I’m not going to beg you, if you want to go. Just go.”

-bcg (things i laughed off, but shouldn’t have)

I never told my mother about you
I knew it would be ******* her
And even harder on me
So I just never told her

But sometimes I would feel sad
Because something reminded me of you
And I would get up and go to the bathroom
Because I couldn't cry in front of her

She has no idea the hurt I was in
She has no idea the pain I endured
She has no idea what I had so
She has no idea what I lost

But a song will come on
While we are riding in the car
And my eyes start tearing up
And I can't tell her why
And she feels so bad she starts to cry

I've given so many excuses
Allergies, the wind, an eyelash
And even though she doesn't believe me she doesn't pressure
Because she understands the truth must be too painful for her ears
{bcg}

I know you care. Even when you told me things that hurt so bad I had to use a blade against my own skin for my body to make sense again. Even when you literally showed me how little I mattered to you. Even when you stopped loving me the first time. Even when you watched in silence as I begged for you to ask me to stay. Even now when I haven’t heard from you for so long and I am so close to the edge.

I know you care because you always cared, just not enough.

-bcg (i dont know how long i can keep holding on)

Some days I can't stop thinking about you and some days I wonder why I start.
{bcg}

“What I like most about relationships is hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for the future. Looking forward to every single day, looking forward to waking up and talking or falling asleep and dreaming of them.
Relationships are not just about living in the moment. They are not about looking into each others eyes and seeing love, but looking toward a future and seeing love. And it’s not that I don’t want a future with you, it’s that I can’t even see it.
When I close my eyes I imagine being with you, but only from our past. I want to see us in the future. I want to see us lying in bed next to eachother and laughing at the coffee with spilled on the new sheets. I want to see us making meals together and walking the dogs at twilight.
But all I can see, all I can think about, is every moment I’ve spent with you. Every moment I’ve been with you. Every glance, every smile, every touch, every kiss, every time you whispered my name as I pulled you closer.
My mind never drifts to tomorrow- like it should- it drifts to the past. And the worst part is I can’t tell you. If I ever told you about my inability to see a future I know what you would think. You would think that means I want to say goodbye. You’ll think that means I don’t want you to keep calling and your name to keep showing up on my screen.
I want you to give me a future. Give me a tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be much, just one little thing I can hold on to; that can poke a hole in the darkness in front of me. I look at you and part of me wants to cry because I can only see the past. I can only see the memories. I can’t see tomorrow. So just give me a few words so that I can be a little less sad and I can see a little more future.”

-bcg (an excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

Kids compare their love to the stars. Citing celestial forces in their rooftop, late night, parents-can't-hear, stolen-beer vows. They compare the way their hands combine to constellations ever present in the night sky. I trashed this misconception in the back of a Chevrolet with the married man I was with that day when he compared our love to the moon and sun and how ours was a forbidden one. There wasn't a notion of poetry in his slurred words, just a man so scared of growing old he needed the comfort of a child, to soothe his soul. You and me, you and the person I am trying to be, don't need the sun or the moon or the stars in the sky, we just need the TV set on a Tuesday night. We fell in love in the daylight, in parks down the street. We fell for each other, not the universe, that before you, had tortured me. We don't need space suits to look into each other's eyes and know that it's here, right here, on this couch where we first made love that we call home. The kids can keep their zodiac signs and universe themed metaphors because our love can't be illustrated with astrological analogies. It's complicated and messy and hurtful and hard, but loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done, right here on earth.


-bcg (we fell in love in the daylight, so what happens when the sun goes down)

i don't know why you left

was it the miles between our calls
or the years between
because if so id understand
was it the secrets
or having to keep things from me
because if so id understand

but if it was not loving enough
if it was not caring
if it was boredom
or if you just stopped liking me
i don't understand

because I loved enough for the both of us
and you always said you cared
and we always had something to discuss
you said you liked me even if you only would on a dare
and you swore you'd never lied to me
so i know you spoke the truth
when you said I'm yours and you're mine this time
{bcg}

Three months ago, before we started talking regularly again, I asked you a question. You probably wouldn’t remember, it was a fleeting moment so long ago, but I remember. I remember thinking before I asked it, I remember nervously awaiting your response, I remember assuming you would respond in a joke.

But you didn’t.

You weren’t happy, and while you said it in a much more eloquent and well thought out way, I saw the sadness in your eyes.

And here we are now and I just felt like you should know that every single time I almost hung up, every single time I almost didn’t laugh off one of your cruel jokes, every single time I was one glass away from calling you and telling you to go **** yourself because you were killing me so slowly sometimes I would forget you even were. Every single time, I would stay on the call, I would laugh off the joke, I would put down the drink, because you weren’t happy and I was the one person who was never, ever okay with that and I’m still working everyday to change it.


-bcg (i asked you, but you never asked me)

Next to my alarm clock, on my bedside table, I keep a note
It simply says:
"It was a dream. He's still gone."
And every morning when I wake up with a smile
And roll over to trace your lips good morning,
I see the note
I don't have to read it anymore
I know what it says
I memorized it like I memorized you
{bcg}

There are two reasons why I still talk to you: you are fun and you make me feel special. However, in the past month or so I’ve started feeling like you talk to me only when you’re bored. Like I’m the person who will always return a text and answer a call. I will always be here to entertain you. I am your person, but slowly you are losing your place as mine. I don’t feel welcome here anymore and I don’t think you really want me.
It’s not that I don’t love you or that I don’t want you, I have never wanted someone more. You are the only thing that has brought joy into my life in months.
But I no longer feel special when I talk to you and even though we’re having fun, I don’t feel good. I’ve been ignoring people who do make me feel special because I have fun with you. The person I talk to every night should want my company and make time for me. I don’t want to be your “sometimes” anymore.

And I’m not asking you to change and I don’t want you to. I fell in love with the man you are and I would never ask you to alter yourself for me. Which is why I’m simply saying goodbye.

We weren’t meant to be and that’s just the way it is. I don’t feel special when I talk to you. I feel small. I feel used. I don’t want to be wanted just when it’s convenient, I just want to be wanted.

-bcg (i’ve told you everything about myself, everything… except this)

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

pearls
powder
and lipstick with the perfect shade of pink

"It's important to look your best when you feel your worst," I recite as I get ready for another day without him.

skirt
scarf
and chanel number five

"Just for a minute," I whisper as I slip the ring on before heading out the door.

coffee
coat
and black pumps

"Goodbye, my love," I accidentally yell through the screen door.

terror
tears
and falling to the ground

“******,” I scream because I actually forgot he's gone

{bcg}

She used my name when she spoke to me. Like we would be in the middle of talking about the weather and she would deliberately finish a sentence about the impending rainstorm with my name and all of a sudden this innocent conversation reached a level of intimacy I had only experienced in bed with another person.
It was exhilarating, feeling your name in the mouth of someone like that.
With just the way she forms your name with her lips she could make you want to hold hands and waste away Friday nights in the most cliché romcom way. Every moment was full, every moment was exciting, and every ******* moment was completely and fatally exhausting.

-bcg (excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

I still miss you just as much
I just don't say it anymore.
Because when I do
The look on your face
That mixture of pity and uncomfortableness
Makes me want to *****.
And I can't throw up with an empty stomach
And heaving is just unladylike.

-bcg (i miss you)

I told you I'd never let you become my everything
But that's a stupid promise to make
Because I can't control the impact of something on me
When you left I couldn't force myself not to break
{bcg}

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is walking into a coffee shop. He's looking at the board above the baristas head. He can't decide what type of tea to get. This is the hardest decision that he's going to have to make today.

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is having trouble selecting his drink order, while you're doubled over on the floor with a bottle clutched to your chest and a handful of pills begging to be swallowed, choosing whether to live or die.

-bcg (perspective can be a ***** and a life saver)

Today I was in the middle of something when I had a fleeting thought of what it would me like if you were here. I immediately stopped what I was doing to let myself daydream of you. So rarely do I let my mind drift to this that I thought it would be a little reward for being so good and compartmentalizing so well.

So I thought of you. I thought of the joke you would make about my handwriting. I thought about where your hand would be on my thigh. I thought about the laugh lines around your eyes that would come out when you smiled at my smile. I thought about it all.

But while I wasn’t paying attention, my mind went out of control, and I was skimming through memories of you and me while simultaneously making up scenarios of everything that we could be. The room was spinning and I was barely breathing when suddenly everything went cold and hot at the same time and you were saying goodbye a thousand times. Over and over, each one hit, and I just had to sit back and let the waves of grief keep crashing over the same body that once was held in your arms when I couldn’t stop shaking that Wednesday night back in July.

It was like I was falling and flying all at once and it took three deep breaths to clear it all up.
I gathered myself and left the room because for some reason it was starting to smell of you.

**** this and **** goodbyes. I would die for just one more night.

-bcg (i forget about you long enough to forget why i needed to)

The problem
isn't that I want to be with you
The problem
is I always want to be with you
The problem
isn't that I want to kiss you
The problem
is that I always want to kiss you
The problem
isn't that I love you
The problem
is I never stop loving you
The problem
isn't that we're over
The problem
is that we never really started

I don't want
one more kiss
one more talk
one more time

I want
A lifetime of kisses
A lifetime of talking
A lifetime of you
{bcg}

When we met I was bruised, I was bitter, and I felt broken beyond repair. You picked me up and right in the middle of healing my wounds, kissing my scars, and making me forgive myself for every mistake, you told me the truth. You were never meant to save me; you came here so I could save you.

-bcg (its funny, we both came for help, and we ended up breaking eachother all over again)

And I’ll be here
using words to convince you,
you made the wrong choice,
because I have no other way
of winning you over.


-bcg (i’m still yours even though you were never mine)

At first I thought it was the nights
I thought the nights were the worst part
The sudden fits of loneliness that come at 3am
The tv I have to watch to dull the pain
The words I have to write to drain the pain
Falling asleep alone

Then I thought it was the mornings
I thought the mornings were the worse part
The happiness I feel right after a dream
The empty spot next to me
The empty spot reminding me
You're still gone

But then I realized it was the day
The days were the worst part
Days full of little events I used to tell you about
Days of starting to type out a message
Days of erasing the words I was going to say
Because you're gone one more day
{bcg}

I want to say **** it and text you because all I want to do is talk to you about everything going on in our lives, and im so close. I pull out my phone, I start the message, and then it hits me. If you had wanted to talk, you would have let me know ******* weeks ago.

-bcg (how do you choose between comfort and dignity)

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being,
and we were at the center of it all.


-bcg (what a good sunday really looks like)

I don't regret you
Not because you didn't break my heart, you did
Not because I don't hate you, I do
Not because you didn't take a part of me with you when you left, you did
Not because I don't spend sleepless night thinking about you, I do

I don't regret you because you made me feel
And the opposite of love is not hate
The opposite of love is not feeling at all
And you made me feel more than I've ever felt before
{bcg}

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way

Tell me that even though things are about to get real rough, it’s worth it, because you like the way I smile into my empty coffee cup

Tell me there isn’t another person in this world
that could keep you from me

Tell me we will continue to laugh at the sound of the
rain pouring down on the roof at 2am
until we fall asleep to the rhythm of the soft pitter-patter

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way


-bcg (you won’t and that’s okay, a girl can still dream)

do you want me to keep the light in the window
do you want me to keep a spot open for you
do you want me to wait

if you give me just a bit of hope
if you listen to just one more song
if you let me call just one more time

I won't give up
I won't let go
I won't, I swear

Because I will wait for you
if it means a little bit of hope
if it means one more song
if it means one more call

I'll wait for you
{bcg}

He made it very clear what he wanted,
and what he wanted was never me.


-bcg (it isn't meant to be read, it's meant to be yelled)

To him:
“You’re funny and you play along with my little jokes and you always respond. I ask you the questions I used to ask him and you answer them differently and you have different favorite colors and you have different embarrassing moments and you have different fears because you are different people. But asking you those questions, after listening to his answers, just feels gross. It feels cheap. You are nothing to him. You hold nothing to him. You’re vain like he never was. He had no idea what was happening, question-by-question he was falling for me, but he had no idea. He didn’t know he was falling until he had already fallen. He was real. The first real thing I knew. He was honest. He was mine.”


To you:
“I feel sick talking to him about his day, asking his favorite color, talking to him and asking him the same things. Because the thing is, I would still rather listen to you tell me about your details over and over again than learn his or any boy before.”

-bcg (i cant tell you this because im scared of the way you look at me now when i tell you how i feel)

The stairs are stained with our favorite kiss.

-bcg (the things you can't clean up the next day)

I want you like I want one of my shows.

When we aren't together I don't want to think about you. I don't want to ponder you, analyze you, or worry about you. When you aren't here, I want nothing to do with you.

But when we are together I want to only be with you. I want to spend hours on you, obsessing over you, binging on you. I want every waking moment to be spent watching you and discovering you and every sleeping moment to be spent dreaming about you.

I want you, but only like one of my shows.

-bcg (binge watching Netflix isn't healthy, but neither are you)

When we were together things didn't seem real until I told you about them
When something happened to me, it didn't really happen until I told you
And now that you're gone
I'm just living in this haze without you
{bcg}

He likes reading Russian poetry and she likes listening to him whisper it through the phone.

She likes watching sitcoms, dramas, and really anything available on Netflix steaming and he likes teasing her about it on the way home.

They like to distract themselves and pretend everything's alright. They like to text and talk every week night.


They fit well, like out of a storybook page, or a rhyme in an old song that you would hear on your dad’s iPod on shuffle. Except there was one thing they overlooked all those nights talking about everything and nothing over and over till the sun would rise.

She never could watch the last episode of the shows she binged, but he always read the last page of the books he read. She was afraid of endings and goodbyes.

So when the clock struck twelve and it was time to go home, only one was doomed to a life of bathroom floors, empty stomachs, and dull, dead eyes.

-bcg (i was afraid of endings and when you asked me i told you i would be fine

How did you come to the conclusion that we had no chance of making it? How did you figure that out without me? How many nights did you stay up thinking? How many friends did you consult? How many conversations did we have where you never mentioned you were solving this problem? How many conversations where I told you I loved you and you did too? How many of those conversations did we have when you already knew what the solution was and it wasn't you and me? When did you figure out we couldn't be? When?


And when did you figure out you would be okay without me? Because I would really, really appreciate it if we could go back there. To that night, that moment, that thought. And you teach me how to do the same. Because it's right about now when the pain is too much and my heart is beating too fast and I just want all this hurt to go away, when I would really ******* love to know how to be okay without you.

-bcg (teach me how to be as cold as you)