Soft wet sand squishes under my toes
Cool water soon laps at my ankles
Telltale signs - the crowing of birds,
The laughter of children
The seabreeze at my nose
The water invites me in. I wade
Through every choice I thought I made.
Through time itself.
Clouds blanket the
Sun and I see myself in the sky, drowning,
Words from a script caught in my throat,
The water, the sand, they force me through it.
The curtains hiding the truth fall
Darkness seeps through the seafoam
I see the meaninglessness of it all
My reality is not my home
I want to turn around
Go back to what I know
But the water takes me by the leg
And little fingers of sand pull me on
I hate this life and I hate this place,
hate the terrible truth I’ve found
The fingers have become hands.
They do not let me go,
The waves bubble a lullaby, a dirge
“Bring your body closer still, with great care
We will keep it.”
Faces in the waves call to me,
The water croons its song
With the sun, wit abandoned me
And so my feet march on
I stay awake at night
Humming the ocean’s tune
Counting the stars on my ceiling,
I try to convince myself
Reality is just my room
The gentle fingers of sand are teeth now
Gnawing, gnashing, scraping teeth
The ocean screeches and howls a sound
Like playing a vinyl on a pizza crust
Like playing a knife on a breathing rib cage
Under my pillow lies
A single, sandy tooth. But come the dawn
My hand, hidden under the cushions will be withdrawn
I will awake, soft wet static under my toes
Cool delusion soon laps at my ankles.
Telltale signs - the taste of bile,
The script starving my lungs,
The water caught in my ears, babbling in my head, the
voice I’ve always known.
This poem was about my own struggle to be my authentic self, in the face of what my body and the thought process I had been conditioned to have told me.