cigarette smoke in the living room
begging for therapy
she tells him he has to choose
the drugs or the baby
& he says he won’t do it again
but his hands keep splitting from the bones in her face
i’m trying to be a good friend
but there’s still so much i have left to say
she wants a happy ending but i don’t know what to tell her
i’m not a physic
i’m just a writer.

home is christmas of 2019 when i decorated the tree holding my favorite niece
home is the summer before my first year of middle school when i danced everyday in my mother’s giant kitchen or in the middle of the street
home is not 52 days ago when i tried to take my life & failed
home is not 11 days ago when i ran until my feet bled-
until i derailed
when i was little i was told home is where the heart is
when i was little i was told that home is within
when i was little i was referred to as a tornado
because i had broken every home i’d been in.
home is last night when i rocked my nephew to sleep
home is this morning when i laughed with my sisters
home is not summer sixteen when i felt incredibly weak
home is not five years ago when i stayed in that house down the street
maybe home is inside me
maybe it’s laying on the floor in my room
maybe home is exactly where i left it in your car where i last kissed you
or maybe it’s not even around anymore
maybe it left with the moon...

you’re heavier now
like every move you make weighs a ton
you’re in a billion pieces & you know exactly how-
it’s all because you fell in love.
you walk the same paths but that street doesn’t mean the same
she’s so close & you used to love it
now you’re aching to place miles between you two because you’re slowly going insane.
& what do you do when you love her more than she loves you?
more than you can say?
you find someone with the same exact name.
this one is quiet & calm, but she’ll consume the whole world if you’d let her
she’s art in a bottle
& when you open it
sunshine spills out
but how do you love this one?
you have no idea how.
you try to take it slowly
breathing before you speak
but you’re in the woods & you’re alone
& you just know she’s the one you want to marry.
then the storm will come & you won’t notice until it’s right outside your window
she’ll beg you to stay but the love is too little
you’ll ache for her company & wish you could take it all back
but you’re doing it for the wrong reasons & everyone knows that
so when you say goodbye you’ll mean it
‘cause now you’re closing every door she had opened
you’re heavier now
much heavier than before
but you have to just let it all go
you’re not tied down anymore.

you say you love me more
& you know what?
you probably do.
because the second i started kissing her
is the second i stopped loving you.
i won’t try & justify what i’ve done in any type of way
but i also won’t fall to my knees & beg for you to stay
in a perfect world you’d be the perfect girl
but this isn’t a perfect world
therefore
you’re not the perfect girl
at least, not for me-
maybe the worst part is that you never will be.
i told you that i don’t know how to love & you said "let me teach you"
i told my friends that i hate being tied to someone & they said "she'd be good for you"
& now here we are.
i once watched my sister break her teeth on our porcelain sink because the only boy she ever loved drowned somewhere in the sea
i walked in on my mom & a broken mirror with blood spilling from her veins
she shattered like glass because my stepdad left & she can’t handle change
i have so many locked doors in my heart & in my head
i read & write & read & write & bleed & bleed until i’m dead
this path i’m on is dark & twisted
this place i'm going is filled with pain
i know that you love me enough to still choose to stay
but i don't love you at all-
you need to walk away.

there’s a lot going on here
i am coming undone like threads in a sweater my mother once bought for me
my chest is caving in to make room for the sky
i can’t figure out how to survive & you know exactly why.
8 days ago i kissed you & you told me you loved me before you left
i know it’s only three little words but they knocked me in my chest.
there’s a lot going on here
i see nothing but moments i should’ve taken & words i should’ve said
21 hours ago i talked myself off the ledge
because i chose water over blood & it still hasn’t settled with me
21 hours ago i wished to be dead
thank god for the one person that saved me.
it gets dark before it should now
& the earth is on its side
all my lighters were stolen last week
& last night i forgot i can’t see past unmarked tombstones
it’s may & i try not to cry because i can’t remember what your voice tastes like
but i know i’m in love.
there’s just an empty that fills
& since then, things just fall apart at my touch
i am coming undone like yarn in the blanket my late grandmother put together for me
i am swirling
i am swirling
how do i save me?

i love you today & tomorrow & tomorrow’s night
i love you forever & ever for the rest of my life,
but you’re gone now,
& i know this.
goodbye now,
we saw this.
& my friends tried to tell me the truth behind your words,
my friends tried to warn me-
they warned me that i’d get this hurt.
but honestly i can’t feel it
my frozen heart is numb
honestly, i can’t feel it
& i think i like that i’m numbed.
if i had one wish-
just one,
i’d spend it on you,
because i want you to have all the things i couldn’t give you-
the things that i couldn’t do.
& i know that you miss me,
as you sit in your purple room, i know that you think of me
just not as much as i think of you.
i can see you in my walls, you know
in each little crack-
i see you in my bed & in my blankets & every single place you were at
you’re lined up in my bookshelf & in every single page & in every single letter
& you’re in all the pictures,
but i just wish i knew you better.
i wish i could convince you to stay
but i know it’d be a waste of time,
i wish i could tell you, i need you
i love you
& that i’m sorry for my lies.
& i wish you understood what i’m feeling & what i’m going through every day
i wish you understood that i’m drowning in a world where drowning is the new age.
& i wanted to draw you & write you with my words
i wanted to touch you until not touching you hurt
& i wanted to love you & kiss you until you screamed at me to stop
but there was no screaming today,
today was just a loss.
& maybe when i look in my mirror, i won’t see green eyes
& maybe when i touch my skin, you’ll stop living inside
but loving you is all i have left to do
so if you want this again,
it’s all set & ready for you.
& i’m washing you out of my hair
& trying to get you out of my eyelids
because i can feel you everywhere
even though you’ve never really been inside them.
& i can cover my ears & pretend that i don’t still hear you
but i can’t close my mouth because i can still feel you
& i miss you-
i miss you like i’ve missed you since middle school
i miss you like i’ve missed you since 7th grade
i miss you like i’ve missed you since three years ago when you & i just
weren’t anything
& i’ve loved you for so long that it’s all that i breathe
& i’m inhaling water so it’s very hard to scream,
so if i open my eyes & you want to come back,
honestly, i’d be perfectly okay with that.
& i know things are hard right now-
i know things are tough,
but i love you
i’m just sorry that i wasn’t enough.

she kisses me & my body explodes
& she knows she knows she knows
she can sense that i love her.
i don't say the words at first
we just sit in her car and talk about what it's like being this hurt
& she holds me in her sweet little hands
& i choke down all these words because i don't want this night to end.
her eyes always see more than i'd like for her to know
she's an open book filled with blank pages because i'm getting too close
after tonight, she'll close off again
after tonight, her book will be locked
after tonight, she’ll forget that i love her
i’ll be expected to do the same
& i probably will do what she asks
but tonight, i'm allowed to love her
because just for tonight, she loves me back.

i think i fell in love once
but it only went down the drain
i think she had wild hair and wore a million rings
i think she had mistakes in her teeth
and when i told her i loved her
i think she said she loved me
but i can't be sure if she was real
or just another dream.

i’m  m i s e r a b l e  in your arms
especially when they’re this far
& i know that’s contradicting
i know that doesn’t say if i love you or not
'cause honestly
i don’t know if i love you            or not.
maybe if you were more sunshine than rainy night skies
i wouldn’t feel the need to entertain all these lies.
in my head it’s darker than my skin
& my heart? you’ll  n e v e r  get in
cause it doesn’t belong to me
she has it wrapped around her finger
                                                  it’s hers
                                 just like this poem
                   just like my life
& if i could
i’d probably let her go
if i could
i’d probably find a decent way to love you in a perspective you’ve never known
but i can’t.
i just-
i can’t
& it’s not your fault, believe me
but she's just
she's    e v e r y t h i n g    
& how could you ever compete?
& how could i ever make you?
simple answer: i can’t.
complicated answer: there's a radio in a car somewhere singing her name & even though it’s not my car, my radio does the    exact    same.
but
i’ll put spaces between us & hope it’s enough
i’ll put spaces between   u   s   & hope it’s enough
even though i know it’ll never be
because her? she's it for me
she's-
she's  e v e r y t h i n g .

knee high socks
shorts
a long t-shirt.
i was in a sleeping bag pulled up to my chest
i was so so tired, but couldn’t seem to rest
& that's when he came in like a storm
his thunder was silent but i’d know the smell of rain anywhere
i wish i could say i tasted alcohol on his breath
or saw pills swimming in his eyes
but the only drug he was after
was a girl half his size.
i just wanted to sleep
but he had other ideas in mind.
he didn’t hover over me
which maybe i would’ve preferred
instead he sat next to me like we were simply family
doing family things
watching tv, you know
family things
except that wasn’t the case.
i tried to tell them, you know
i told them all what he did, just to see
“you should’ve kicked him,” they told me
“so we could have proof.”
“what were you wearing?” they asked me
“it’s your fault too.”
like i asked for this
like i craved the abuse.
and sometimes in my head, it was nothing but a dream
something i can wake up from
not something that aches each time i breathe
& do you know what my mother said after,
when i'd told her what he'd done
she said, "don't be so uptight, darling, he was just having fun,
he feels really really sorry
& if i were you,
i'd take advantage of this opportunity."

"i'm a poet," i told her, "i've never lived without a broken heart,"
then her eyes glassed over and i could tell she was going to cry
but i don't know what else to say to a girl with that much fire in her life
i feel like i'll burn around you, i say but not out loud
and labels hurt my head but this love hurts my heart
her smile sticks to my lips cause she's honey, she's art
"give me a reason to care this much, okay?
give me a reason to fall in love, okay?" she said it as if my lungs were even still capable of such things
and i stood on the edge of this roof before, wanting to fly from this place
i opened up my arms before, and hit the ground harder 'till i went insane
my doc said, "don't worry, happens all the time. just take these pills and you won't want to die." so i did but i feel numb
my heart is cold and she's my sun
but it's been so long since i've tasted love
i'm jam packing my thoughts right now
a little broken, a little lost right now
but she can weave in and out like she's never been hurt
and like she never will
"i love you," she said while abandonment played with my tongue
but still, i said it back, knowing i no longer even had it in me to love.

the first one was cocky and curly
brown eyes, strong jaw
a basketball boy who broke not only hearts
but laws.
i kissed him to forget my troubles
i kissed him to forget
i gave my all to him
even though i was not his to give
by the end of the year
he sat in the snow, crying, alone
i told him its not fun anymore, its time for me to go
i stood beside him, wanting to leave
needing to stay
i knew we'd meet again but back then? he was nothing to me.

the second one came in like a missle
i didn't have time to react
he was confident and smart
i'd always admired that
he held my hand and looked at me with greed
he ran to my house at night and in need
i spent so long saving him, i forgot to take a breath
so i left him with a note telling him how i'd never love again
at the time, i was lying, but things haven't felt the same since.

third came a girl with danger dripping in her eyes
mistakes tangled in her hair
she was alive and carefree, so i never saw her despair
i looked at her through rose colored lenses, she was perfect
she was mine
i didn't believe what others had said, even when i started seeing the truth with my own eyes
she wasn't loyal and she wasn't kind, my head had made it all up
it was hardest to leave this one,
'cause i never actually meant to fall in love.

the last girl was dark sunshine
her eyes were so grey
so blue
i felt the years on her shoulders, the world she constantly held up
the entity in her eyes trying to escape the past she knew
i wanted to make life easier for her
i taught her love, unknowing that i was only teaching her to love me
so when our time was up
on the 17th, she asked to date, you see
yes, i said out loud
no, i said in my head
i broke up with her three days later
its not my fault, to me, romance is dead.

what i gave to love you all
what i gave to break your hearts
but i had to do it
i'm a poet, i simply wouldn't survive if i was ripped apart.

i am a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in.
& you ask me, "what do you really know about this?
about love?
about bliss?" & i say that i
i know how your eyes look in the moonlight when you’re watching me as i sleep
i know that i belong with you & you belong with me
it’s not science, only the truth
but, my love, what if i want to belong to more than just you?
i feel like i’m only here because you created me
& like if you didn’t, i’d still be that broken little girl i used to be
but me & that old girl, we’re not even that far apart, you know?
we bleed the same, feel the same, we even cry the same
so how am i not her? how is she not me?
& you shush me & say that i
i am nothing but a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize that i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in
but i want to
but i want to.

2/25/19

14:17 pm

please stop tearing me up and down. i can’t take it. and i’m realizing slowly, if i stop to breathe, there will be nothing left of me. i need to go. go. go. i need to leave you behind.
if i could just find the remote, i could mute the **** in my head. i know too much. i’m better off dead.
no such luck. i’m sorry about the mirror i broke. i’ll pick it up when my hands stop bleeding. i’ll pick it all up when i feel like me again.

15:41 pm

this isn’t a suicide note. but my god, i want to die.
i swallow oblivion for breakfast and by lunch i puke it all up. i never learn my lesson and it’s probably all my fault.
i yell more than i speak and if i really wanted to die, there’s nothing you could do to stop me.
i am my own destruction. raised with a heart of gold, but gold doesn’t keep you alive. neither have any of the hands i’ve learned to hold.
i’m breaking free ‘cause if i keep living this life i swear
it’ll **** me.
i’ll **** me.
i just want to wake up.

18:20 pm

i wake up in the same skin i fell asleep in. almost like i can never take it off. almost like if you walked by me three years later my skin would still be calling your name and that’s ****** up.
i can’t sleep unless i’m drugged up (or unless i’m by you) but you don’t know that. you don’t need to. i won’t let you.
my secrets are my armor. i pile them high. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me.

2/26/19

2:13 am

how'd you get through to me? **

i'm sure i was nothing before i met you
a blue girl looking for new colors on a palate that only bore one
i'm sure i was only a shell of what i could be before i met you
a blue girl looking at a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new home
tall like a tower, booming like thunder, laughter like music playing steadily on a summer eve
you were a stark difference compared to me, yet you were still perfect
well, as perfect as any green, orange, red-blond boy could be.
tennis shoes the same color as my sad sad soul, connecting to legs crashing their way into my mad mad world
you know exactly what you do to me
but do you dare stop?
no, of course not
since when did boys like you stop for girls like me?
bulldozing, red lights, screaming, violet nights
i was everything next to you, yet nothing the second you leave
i'm a blue girl searching for a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new backbone
she can't stand on her own
she can't she can't she can't-
i can't stand on my own.

i. you are broken bones and candy too sweet, you weren’t made for goodnight kisses and long walks on the beach
you weren’t made for me.
ii. when my lungs stop bleeding and my skin stops ripping i will give you up. i will power wash you out of my veins because you will never
ever, have control over me again.
iii. if forever is the word that has kept me stuck to your ground than heartbroken will be the only word that could free me, because if i sit here falling any longer
there will be nothing left of me.
iv. i'm not pixie dust and you're not princess charming, i am able to live life without your constant explosion
and you will survive without being the reason i'm dying.
v. i am repeating phrases repeating phrases repeating phrases because your lack of change is slowly getting to me
slowly drowning me in your coffee, bitter, black, and
i'm never coming back up.
(you're probably okay with that)
vi. i tell you i love you and the sky comes undone
and when i say ¨it's falling¨
you say ¨so don't look up¨
vii. maybe if your last name and my first name made some type of sense, we wouldn't be sitting here watching it all end
the bed is in flames and we're going insane
because love is only chemicals and lies and we know nothing will change.
viii. you feel nothing and i feel everything and so i tell you
¨i hear wedding bells¨ because, don't you?
and you say ¨cover your ears, my love, they're lying to you¨
viiii. never have i ever fallen for someone bathed in bleach
never will i ever love someone incapable of loving me.
x. this is the end and you're not my friend and the moon is dying and children are crying and you're leaving me behind and i'm letting you go
is this what it feels like to be alone?

i don't have the strength in me
to convince you to stay
so if you really want to go, go
i don't care either way.

stuck on nights that lead to coffee and headaches and maybe even nose bleeds
stuck on nights that lead to heartbreak and clothes on the floor and hands that shake and scream
stuck on nights that lead me to you.
i once fell in love so hard i broke every bone in my body
but that was nothing compared to the years i spent drinking about you.
rough edges, smooth bodies
sweet skin, tongue a bit too naughty
broken fingers, dead eyes
small hearts, big and ugly lies
if you hold me any closer i might fall again tonight.
you are my queen
queen of you mean the most to me
queen of butterflies and i can't breathe
queen of
"baby, it's not you, it's me."
but you keep coming back again.
stuck on relationships i can't let go and people that hurt me because they "love me the most"
stuck on stone skin that leads to stone walls and i love yous that turn into i hate you all
stuck on you.
i once caught a disease thinking you'd be right for me
and that killed me entirely.
i never met someone that made me puke out my guts
until i discovered not all sweet kisses are healthy or are even made of love
bones coated in sugar, thoughts that scream "don't keep her"
and i think you might be good for me.
if i smiled any wider, my cheeks would bleed
and if you hit me any harder, i think i might get weak in more than just my knees.
you are not the one
for me, and good god, you have no idea how badly i want you to be
you are not made to be loved
by me, and i swear on everything i tried to change these things
but our lungs just don't breathe well together.
stuck on girls that lead to mothers and friends that lead to lovers
stuck on suns that lead to stars and touches that lead to broken hearts
stuck on memories that lead me to you.
i've decided to break all my bad habits
no more biting my nails
no more picking my wounds
no more me falling in love with you
no more you, period.
you are my queen
queen of moving on
queen of doing everything but staying gone
queen of
"i love you, but i feel like you're leading me on"
and i think this is why we make goodbye's
i think this is why my mother cried and prayed to god i never fall in love.

what do you see when you look at me with eyes full of love and mouth full of disgust and skin full of distrust
what do you see?
i want to drown in every goodbadhurtfulsweet
thought you’ve ever had of me
i’ve been told that my skin in the perfect color
“i’ve never seen eyes that shade of brown”
“such pretty girls shouldn’t frown”
is that really all you like?

i’m not here for you
i’m not even really here for me
and i’m trying to heal from monsters you don’t know about
demons you can’t see
hiding behind giggles and the smiles you plaster onto me
this is what i’m supposed to be like
petite waist
luscious thighs
this is what people like you like

i don’t want to be me anymore
there’s this thing called hypervigilance  
the persistent feeling of being under threat
and i’m drowning
i’m drowning in my skin and my lungs want to breathe but
they don’t deserve to
it feels like there’s stone hands wrapped around my throat
my hands, your hands, the first boy i ever loved has his hands
even tighter
this pain is everlasting
i want to let go

i suppose i should thank you now
the person looking back at me
disgustingly brown eyes
deceiving lips  
“i’m broken”
i scream it to myself
“broken”
louder
“broke”
i say it until i bleed from anger
“ok”
these words are all the same
rhymes no different from the last
but this is me now
this is me when my bones are made of glass

i feel like i could break if you slapped me any harder
but these are my hands getting *****
my hands that can’t stop turning skin colors
that it was never meant to be
i’m a canvas but my body doesn’t agree with me
what do you see?
am i an hourglass
am i perfect yet
am i everything you need
everything i need
what do you see when you look at me?

i hope no one can see the taste of your tongue on my lips
drenched in my skin
admitting where i've been
i hope no one notices your perfume that i wave like a white flag
"its complicated," i tell them
because i cannot fall for you again.
but i want to,
god i want to,
i want to showcase each tattoo you've left on my heart
no matter how big
no matter how small
but your galaxies are not mine to get lost in
your promises not mine to believe in
your words not mine to soak in
but i want them to be.
i hope no one can smell the ink that coats my body after spending short moments in alleys
doing things that lovers are supposed to do
even though i am not the arms you're falling asleep to
i hope no one can hear my heart race as i realize
this is not your first time breaking me this way
nor your last
and i know i should pull away
and i know i shouldn't melt this way
and i know that before falling for you, there's probably things i should do
to prevent the outcome, you know
but i don't
i dig my hands into your hair
into your skin
my lips into your lips
and i die and cry and die
i know this is suicide
so what's my master plan?
hoping no one can sense me falling for you again.

you’ll tell me you love me
and then when you leave
i’ll pretend the whole time that i didn’t see it coming.

loving you is more like a void inside my chest
and less like the sweet musings you have put to rest.
leaving you is more like a present i did not know i would like
and less like the tears i try to fight.

i did not know letting you go was going to be good for me
or that letting you in was going to be bad
in the moment, leaving you behind seemed like the worst thing to me
but like vines the idea grew on me
until you were no longer the one thing i believed i would always need.
kissing you was fatal
i did it too often
touching you was okay though
although my lungs still screamed caution.
i gave you up when i realized i was fully capable of doing so
i gave you up when i realized you would not even try to fight
for me for me for you for us for me
and probably the best thing i have ever done for myself
is let you go before you dragged me with you on your fairy ride to hell.

loving me is more like a void inside your chest
and less like the sweet musings i have put to rest.
leaving me is more like a present you did not know you would like
and less like the tears you try to fight.

7:43
and i’m trying to not write your name,
you never appreciated my rhymes
maybe that’s why your name doesn’t rhyme with anything.
7:44
and i’m thinking of someone new,
someone better than you
i swear just one more drink then i’m through.
7:45
and i’m out of my mind,
head over heels for someone who’s not even mine
and once again i’m forced to leave you behind.
7:46
and your name makes me sick,
you’re such a
and i’m beyond over you and your heartless tricks.
7:47
and she makes me feel like i’m in heaven,
thank god you showed me hell
thanks to you my swollen heart's getting well.
7:48
i realize it all now but it’s too late,
you’ve already played your promiscuous game
thankfully she told me she loved me and stayed.

(god, in five minutes so much has changed)

i told my therapist about you,
while your lips were still slathered alllll over my body.
i showed her the places we had been,
and all the things we had seen.
i told her what lies underneath that pretty
                                              pretty
skin of yours,
and i told her how i knew.
i spelt out your name as she scribbled it on her cute little clipboard,
i told her about the   first     night
and the      second
and the   fourth
and that time in the closet.
i told her everything,
i really just wanted to   get
                                                  you
                                      out  
of my brain,
it didn't matter if saying these things put me in  sososo  much pain.
because you've  moved   on  so why can't i?
i told my therapist about you,
but i still can't tell you
                                           goodbye.  
i know i'm  s t u p i d,
for holding on this l
                               o
                                n
                             ­    g,
i know it's useless,
for wishing you weren't                              gone.
but my words carry on like a heartbeat
s     l      o      w
steady
                          fast
u   s   e   d
  n    t   a   y
i   keep   keep   keep  breaking and breaking and breaking and
i told my therapist about you.

all i remember is that first sip,
the rest, of course, is a blur.
i don't remember tripping over thin air,
or being here but not being all there.
i tried to drink you away,
to forget the taste of your lips,
i craved more and more,
even though i wasn't supposed to be doing this.
i tried to dance you away,
to forget the weight of your bones,
i danced all night long,
it did nothing for me, though.
because i saw your face and heard your voice,
i thought of your body and thought of your noise.
we were perfectly imperfect,
and yet i took every drink,
every drug,
every song,
every opportunity,
to forget how much you mean to me.
i kissed a different set of lips,
and still tasted you,
i held a different body between my hips,
but still screamed like it was you.
i knew texting you was a bad idea but i still did it anyways,
and what you said next made everything in my body freeze.
"i'm sorry for everything,
i'm sorry i ever dated you.
i'm sorry for the bruises and broken bones,
i'm sorry i ever got attached to you."
that's when i finally craved the feeling,
of alcohol running in my veins.
it burned my throat a little,
but i relished in the pain.
i still remember the thought,
nothing that good could ever go bad,
the night was a blur,
and everyone around me was constantly sad.
i wondered why,
why do these things in life bring us all down,
i taught them of love,
and hoped you'd come around.
i told them our story,
and pretended i'd have you again,
i'm sorry for what we've been through,
but only sorry for everything at the end.
because the beginning was great,
i'm not a saint,
but i believed in you, in us and everything we've been through,
i believed in love and lust and complete trust,
i've been places,
you have too,
next time just promise,
you'll take me with you.