i hope no one can see the taste of your tongue on my lips
drenched in my skin
admitting where i've been
i hope no one notices your perfume that i wave like a white flag
"its complicated," i tell them
because i cannot fall for you again.
but i want to,
god i want to,
i want to showcase each tattoo you've left on my heart
no matter how big
no matter how small
but your galaxies are not mine to get lost in
your promises not mine to believe in
your words not mine to soak in
but i want them to be.
i hope no one can smell the ink that coats my body after spending short moments in alleys
doing things that lovers are supposed to do
even though i am not the arms you're falling asleep to
i hope no one can hear my heart race as i realize
this is not your first time breaking me this way
nor your last
and i know i should pull away
and i know i shouldn't melt this way
and i know that before falling for you, there's probably things i should do
to prevent the outcome, you know
but i don't
i dig my hands into your hair
into your skin
my lips into your lips
and i die and cry and die
i know this is suicide
so what's my master plan?
hoping no one can sense me falling for you again.
you  never realize how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else.
hi my name is broken and
i once caught my father using all his teeth hands lip and tongue on a woman that was not his own
outside my bedroom window,
i spent the night trying to convince myself that
love is real love is real love is real
because after that i wasn’t ever really sure.

hi my name is survivor and
i was once a punching bag for my stepfathers anger and houses in the country will forever terrify me
all because of a random man and his prying fingers and his sticky gum,
and then there’s this third set of bones and dark flesh that made me so afraid of my own skin i had to tell myself
i am beautiful i am beautiful i am beautiful
because hate and death wasn’t my only option.

hi my name is butterfly and
i once broke every bone in my body falling so hard for a girl with the loveliest voice i’ve ever heard but she had other bodies underneath her
thick brown belt
she wouldn’t let herself feel all the things i felt,
i spent thanksgiving in a mental hospital chanting over and over
i am lovable i am lovable i am lovable
because without even trying, she had managed to convince me that i wasn’t.

hi my name is destroyer and
i chose water over blood because blood burned and drowned and buried me ten feet down all at the same time and i didn’t want to die because of them
i split in half all the walls and windows and doors to my home,
i needed to do and be what was best for me so i told myself again and again
i’m not alone i’m not alone i’m not alone
because all i felt was the aftermath of being the very thing that broke up my home.

hi my name is lover and
i tend to give too much of me way too quickly because i don't fall in love, i dive with feet facing the sky, head towards the concrete
and i wonder how i end up being so broken and incomplete
so i wound up all the glue and all the tape,
i muttered over and over in between each breath
fate isn't fake fate isn't fake fate isn't fake
because my heart always seemed to pound a few beats behind, a few beats too late.

hi my name is suicide and
i stepped in front of trains and bullets and knives and i hate yous and you’re nothings all looking for a father that
never really wanted me
he broke my throne, i cut more than just my hair, i no longer want to be here,
and i screamed at the top of my lungs because
it’s worth it it’s worth it it’s worth it
it just doesn’t feel like it anymore.
it's been such a long time, i don't feel the same.
you’ll tell me you love me
and then when you leave
i’ll pretend the whole time that i didn’t see it coming.
i wish i didn't let you leave
and when my poetry becomes a crime scene
before they realize you are what killed me
i hope you get a head start,
because in all these poems hold all the answers of who broke my heart.
i would never be able to truly let you go
i feel like i would look after you even as a ghost
and i want you to make it out alive
even if you became the main reason i cried.
all i remember is falling to the cold stone ground as if i were in prayer
rivers aching down my face as my heart broke in layers
you stood simply two feet away
a pretty little pistol aimed at my face
bullets and bullets of words i could not place
thunder so loud the bleachers screeched in pain.
when the red and blue came through i am afraid it was too late
the football game already ceased and your hands were already wiped clean
memories already sealed away
and for some awkward reason, no one seemed to see a thing
no one knew it was you.
you with secrets dug into your bones and skin dipped in lies
you with houses draped in infidelity and eyes that scream out at least you tried
you without me.
and i am sure it has always been you without me
even before my poetry became a crime scene.
i see your heart is bleeding through, let me bleed instead of you.
this isn't going to make sense
but that's because it's not supposed to
and this isn't at all for me
nor is it for you

i look up at the sky and i'm not sure what i am supposed to see
because they're all screaming and yelling so fucking loudly
'there's more to this world than just me'
but there's only so much i can possibly see

my mind is nothing but hurricanes inside your hand

my heart has no idea on how to feel alive again
there's too many messages i decided not to send
they're all telling me they'll eventually love me but all i can say is

i want to confess to the mirror and not watch it break
i want to feel something but artificial sunshine on my face
i no longer want to drown in a water-less lake
i no longer want to believe i need my father to keep me safe

my dreams are more like food stuck in your teeth

and i swear to god i wanted this to make sense
my words just sounded so dense, they weren't supposed to
because i wanted this to be for me
don't ask me how it ended up being for you.
to heal a wound you need to stop touching it
loving you is more like a void inside my chest
and less like the sweet musings you have put to rest.
leaving you is more like a present i did not know i would like
and less like the tears i try to fight.

i did not know letting you go was going to be good for me
or that letting you in was going to be bad
in the moment, leaving you behind seemed like the worst thing to me
but like vines the idea grew on me
until you were no longer the one thing i believed i would always need.
kissing you was fatal
i did it too often
touching you was okay though
although my lungs still screamed caution.
i gave you up when i realized i was fully capable of doing so
i gave you up when i realized you would not even try to fight
for me for me for you for us for me
and probably the best thing i have ever done for myself
is let you go before you dragged me with you on your fairy ride to hell.

loving me is more like a void inside your chest
and less like the sweet musings i have put to rest.
leaving me is more like a present you did not know you would like
and less like the tears you try to fight.
i wish you could be replaced as easily as you replaced me
kissing you felt like breathing for the first time
that’s why i didn’t understand why loving you felt like dying
or why holding you left me crying.
if a girl loves a boy
do you think she sees when he's playing her like all his other toys
what about when a girl loves a girl
is it obvious when she's made her her world?
i don't know what love is like for 16 years old's
or why it hurts so much
(why loving you hurts so much)
i'd like to be
i'd love to be
the girl you can never let go of
the girl of your dreams
but for some unforeseen reason
you won't let me.
can you imagine me playing you like a love song
every time it comes on?
because i can.
you say there's still so much you can't shake
too many mistakes
is that what we were?
touching you was equivalent to basking in the sun of heaven
that's why i didn't understand why loving you felt like hell
why loving you put me in hell.
and maybe i could let you go
if i found another lover less like you and more like fall leaves dancing from their fall trees
but i'm quite sure that's not at all possible.
i'd like to forget how well your bones fit inside my own
but all these tattoos do nothing but remind me of the path to my home
the path to our home.
one day maybe i'll figure out the correct way to mourn such a loss
but it's hard when you're still living
are you sure you're still living?
i'd like to be
i'd love to be
the girl that can finally say she's happy and carefree
but for some unforeseen reason
my mind won't let me.
only fools fall for you
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