i love you today & tomorrow & tomorrow’s night
i love you forever & ever for the rest of my life,
but you’re gone now,
& i know this.
we saw this.
& my friends tried to tell me the truth behind your words,
my friends tried to warn me-
they warned me that i’d get this hurt.
but honestly i can’t feel it
my frozen heart is numb
honestly, i can’t feel it
& i think i like that i’m numbed.
if i had one wish-
i’d spend it on you,
because i want you to have all the things i couldn’t give you-
the things that i couldn’t do.
& i know that you miss me,
as you sit in your purple room, i know that you think of me
just not as much as i think of you.
i can see you in my walls, you know
in each little crack-
i see you in my bed & in my blankets & every single place you were at
you’re lined up in my bookshelf & in every single page & in every single letter
& you’re in all the pictures,
but i just wish i knew you better.
i wish i could convince you to stay
but i know it’d be a waste of time,
i wish i could tell you, i need you
i love you
& that i’m sorry for my lies.
& i wish you understood what i’m feeling & what i’m going through every day
i wish you understood that i’m drowning in a world where drowning is the new age.
& i wanted to draw you & write you with my words
i wanted to touch you until not touching you hurt
& i wanted to love you & kiss you until you screamed at me to stop
but there was no screaming today,
today was just a loss.
& maybe when i look in my mirror, i won’t see green eyes
& maybe when i touch my skin, you’ll stop living inside
but loving you is all i have left to do
so if you want this again,
it’s all set & ready for you.
& i’m washing you out of my hair
& trying to get you out of my eyelids
because i can feel you everywhere
even though you’ve never really been inside them.
& i can cover my ears & pretend that i don’t still hear you
but i can’t close my mouth because i can still feel you
& i miss you-
i miss you like i’ve missed you since middle school
i miss you like i’ve missed you since 7th grade
i miss you like i’ve missed you since three years ago when you & i just
& i’ve loved you for so long that it’s all that i breathe
& i’m inhaling water so it’s very hard to scream,
so if i open my eyes & you want to come back,
honestly, i’d be perfectly okay with that.
& i know things are hard right now-
i know things are tough,
but i love you
i’m just sorry that i wasn’t enough.