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2/25/19

14:17 pm

please stop tearing me up and down. i can’t take it. and i’m realizing slowly, if i stop to breathe, there will be nothing left of me. i need to go. go. go. i need to leave you behind.
if i could just find the remote, i could mute the **** in my head. i know too much. i’m better off dead.
no such luck. i’m sorry about the mirror i broke. i’ll pick it up when my hands stop bleeding. i’ll pick it all up when i feel like me again.


15:41 pm

this isn’t a suicide note. but my god, i want to die.
i swallow oblivion for breakfast and by lunch i puke it all up. i never learn my lesson and it’s probably all my fault.
i yell more than i speak and if i really wanted to die, there’s nothing you could do to stop me.
i am my own destruction. raised with a heart of gold, but gold doesn’t keep you alive. neither have any of the hands i’ve learned to hold.
i’m breaking free ‘cause if i keep living this life i swear
it’ll **** me.
i’ll **** me.
i just want to wake up.


18:20 pm

i wake up in the same skin i fell asleep in. almost like i can never take it off. almost like if you walked by me three years later my skin would still be calling your name and that’s ****** up.
i can’t sleep unless i’m drugged up (or unless i’m by you) but you don’t know that. you don’t need to. i won’t let you.
my secrets are my armor. i pile them high. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me.


2/26/19

2:13 am

how'd you get through to me? **
a diary entry from long ago
i. you are broken bones and candy too sweet, you weren’t made for goodnight kisses and long walks on the beach
you weren’t made for me.
ii. when my lungs stop bleeding and my skin stops ripping i will give you up. i will power wash you out of my veins because you will never
ever, have control over me again.
iii. if forever is the word that has kept me stuck to your ground than heartbroken will be the only word that could free me, because if i sit here falling any longer
there will be nothing left of me.
iv. i'm not pixie dust and you're not princess charming, i am able to live life without your constant explosion
and you will survive without being the reason i'm dying.
v. i am repeating phrases repeating phrases repeating phrases because your lack of change is slowly getting to me
slowly drowning me in your coffee, bitter, black, and
i'm never coming back up.
(you're probably okay with that)
vi. i tell you i love you and the sky comes undone
and when i say ¨it's falling¨
you say ¨so don't look up¨
vii. maybe if your last name and my first name made some type of sense, we wouldn't be sitting here watching it all end
the bed is in flames and we're going insane
because love is only chemicals and lies and we know nothing will change.
viii. you feel nothing and i feel everything and so i tell you
¨i hear wedding bells¨ because, don't you?
and you say ¨cover your ears, my love, they're lying to you¨
viiii. never have i ever fallen for someone bathed in bleach
never will i ever love someone incapable of loving me.
x. this is the end and you're not my friend and the moon is dying and children are crying and you're leaving me behind and i'm letting you go
is this what it feels like to be alone?
you are allowed to be both a work in progress and a masterpiece
"i'm a poet," i told her, "i've never lived without a broken heart,"
then her eyes glassed over and i could tell she was going to cry
but i don't know what else to say to a girl with that much fire in her life
i feel like i'll burn around you, i say but not out loud
and labels hurt my head but this love hurts my heart
her smile sticks to my lips cause she's honey, she's art
"give me a reason to care this much, okay?
give me a reason to fall in love, okay?" she said it as if my lungs were even still capable of such things
and i stood on the edge of this roof before, wanting to fly from this place
i opened up my arms before, and hit the ground harder 'till i went insane
my doc said, "don't worry, happens all the time. just take these pills and you won't want to die." so i did but i feel numb
my heart is cold and she's my sun
but it's been so long since i've tasted love
i'm jam packing my thoughts right now
a little broken, a little lost right now
but she can weave in and out like she's never been hurt
and like she never will
"i love you," she said while abandonment played with my tongue
but still, i said it back, knowing i no longer even had it in me to love.
i'm not sure where i'm headed, i can't even see the road. but i know that i'm not the only one on it, i know i'm not alone.
22w
zoie marie lynn Jul 2018
22w
you’ll tell me you love me
and then when you leave
i’ll pretend the whole time that i didn’t see it coming.
i wish i didn't let you leave
zoie marie lynn Jan 2018
"the title says it all,"
she says, breaking the fourth wall.
"i was with a guy,
i know i know, so cliche,
but he really took my breath away."
the audience laughs,
she continued on,
"he told me all these enhancing things,
and at first i didn't know what to think.
the first date was a disaster,
i spilt wine all over my dress,
and the second went a little better,
but the third one was the best."
the audience anticipated the rest,
"on the 29th of September,
he got sick,"
her breath hitched,
"he told me not to worry,
as he layed in that hospital bed,
hooked up to so many tubes,
he'd say anything to get these thoughts out of my head.
he told me he knew all along,
that he had one month left to live,
i broke to a million pieces,
'but it was so worth it,'
he said lovingly as he coughed his last cough.
i thought of nothing else but the way he looked
hooked up like some middle school kid's science project,
and now here i am,
at this amazing poetry slam,
telling you all my story,
because it could be days, weeks, or even years until you discover your forever,
but for me,
mine was simply a month to remember."
babe, stay
zoie marie lynn Oct 2017
all i remember is that first sip,
the rest, of course, is a blur.
i don't remember tripping over thin air,
or being here but not being all there.
i tried to drink you away,
to forget the taste of your lips,
i craved more and more,
even though i wasn't supposed to be doing this.
i tried to dance you away,
to forget the weight of your bones,
i danced all night long,
it did nothing for me, though.
because i saw your face and heard your voice,
i thought of your body and thought of your noise.
we were perfectly imperfect,
and yet i took every drink,
every drug,
every song,
every opportunity,
to forget how much you mean to me.
i kissed a different set of lips,
and still tasted you,
i held a different body between my hips,
but still screamed like it was you.
i knew texting you was a bad idea but i still did it anyways,
and what you said next made everything in my body freeze.
"i'm sorry for everything,
i'm sorry i ever dated you.
i'm sorry for the bruises and broken bones,
i'm sorry i ever got attached to you."
that's when i finally craved the feeling,
of alcohol running in my veins.
it burned my throat a little,
but i relished in the pain.
i still remember the thought,
nothing that good could ever go bad,
the night was a blur,
and everyone around me was constantly sad.
i wondered why,
why do these things in life bring us all down,
i taught them of love,
and hoped you'd come around.
i told them our story,
and pretended i'd have you again,
i'm sorry for what we've been through,
but only sorry for everything at the end.
because the beginning was great,
i'm not a saint,
but i believed in you, in us and everything we've been through,
i believed in love and lust and complete trust,
i've been places,
you have too,
next time just promise,
you'll take me with you.
i want to stay inside all day, i want the world to go away
zoie marie lynn Nov 2017
i don't know,
how to write you in a way,
that makes you as safe as my childhood home.
i can cover you in a blanket of verbs,
i can shroud you in adjectives until it hurts,
i can fill you with nouns until you feel chained to the ground.
it seems as if there isn't even one thing i'm incapable of doing,
and then you ask me to paint you pretty.
with what, darling?
i made your eyes out of all the monstrous things i've seen,
and your legs from the darkest places i've been.
i crafted your bones out of the metal that used to cling to my teeth,
and your blood from the multicolored ink that helped me write all my gut-wrenching things.
i gave you a heart from the graveyard down the street,
and your eyes from the streetlights where we used to meet.
i formed your feelings from the jar of fireflies atop my dresser,
and your lips from the secrets i held with my english professor.
aren't you pretty?
because you look beautiful to me.
*(even if i shaped you from all my worst qualities)
you fit me better than my favorite sweater
zoie marie lynn Aug 2018
i’ve never fallen in love before
but i’m telling you
if i did,
my bones would screech and creak and crack to build you a home that doesn’t fight back
and
i would shower you with love until you drowned because i don’t know how to love unless it becomes too much someway or somehow
and
you would become all that i breathe and need and see and the very sound of your name would be enough to cause another relapse
because i’ll get addicted too soon and too fast and you’ll think it’s great
at first
until i’m publicly on my knees aching for your velvet kisses back
and
i've never cared for someone this way before
but i'm telling you
if i did,
my lungs would collapse and inflate again and again because you will be the only thing i'll ever breathe in
and
the people in my life would never amount to you, and maybe that's a little messed up but i wrote it
felt it
bled it, so it must be true
because i don't know how to let someone in unless i push every other person out and you'll love my attention
at first
until
you're throwing glass plates at my following figure
until
you're yelling regrets and things i should've considered
until
you hate me
because you don't want to be the only one
even if i want you to be.
i’ve danced with the devil because he has the prettiest eyes i’ve ever seen in my life
but i didn’t love him
i’ve kissed the hands of god because he smells like my childhood home and i liked that a lot
but i didn’t love him
i’ve cut open my skin for my first girlfriend because she promised to stay and that drove me insane
but i didn’t love her
and i’m telling you
if i did
i would write a poem convincing her that i didn’t
because i’ve never loved in a way that doesn’t became some form of a burden.
and i don’t love you
yet
but i am going to scrub my words into your naked body and i am going to promise that there’s nobody
but you
and you are going to love every second of it
because you’ve given in to destruction and seduction and you already understand everything about pain
you already know there’s everything to lose and i’m the only thing you’d gain
but that’s okay
because you’ve never fallen in love before.
i've been beaten and bruised but nothing hurts more than you
zoie marie lynn Oct 2017
I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS
it sort of
spills from my tongue,
and makes up my lips.
because everything feels right when we're laying down in bed like this.
I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS
it sort of
shakes in my bones,
and folds over and over inside my head.
because we're both in wedding dresses and i fall in love all over again.
I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS
it sort of
smooths over my skin,
and makes an extra layer of love to drown in.
because this is my life and a girl makes it worth living in.
I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS I LIKE GIRLS
i know i could have called her and i know i could be bolder but i'm thinking less and less
i'm sure i was nothing before i met you
a blue girl looking for new colors on a palate that only bore one
i'm sure i was only a shell of what i could be before i met you
a blue girl looking at a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new home
tall like a tower, booming like thunder, laughter like music playing steadily on a summer eve
you were a stark difference compared to me, yet you were still perfect
well, as perfect as any green, orange, red-blond boy could be.
tennis shoes the same color as my sad sad soul, connecting to legs crashing their way into my mad mad world
you know exactly what you do to me
but do you dare stop?
no, of course not
since when did boys like you stop for girls like me?
bulldozing, red lights, screaming, violet nights
i was everything next to you, yet nothing the second you leave
i'm a blue girl searching for a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new backbone
she can't stand on her own
she can't she can't she can't-
i can't stand on my own.
i can't i can't i can-
be patient with me.
zoie marie lynn Feb 2018
“‘i really can’t explain water,’”
she told me gently,
“‘i can only say it’s hard to breathe,
but god is it worth the smell.’”
by the time her drunken voice went out,
i realized we weren’t talking about the rain anymore,
she once fell for me
and i once fell for her.
never again,
i vowed,
the day she made these godawful tears pour,
but here she is,
and i’m hoping i won’t want more.
we were a match made in the middle of a school,
i never thought i’d be thinking how could she be this cruel...
things change and feelings do too,
“but baby one more thing,”
she said half asleep,
“never forget that i love you.”
maybe that's it. we eventually go numb; because you can't break a heart that's already broken
zoie marie lynn Nov 2018
stuck on nights that lead to coffee and headaches and maybe even nose bleeds
stuck on nights that lead to heartbreak and clothes on the floor and hands that shake and scream
stuck on nights that lead me to you.
i once fell in love so hard i broke every bone in my body
but that was nothing compared to the years i spent drinking about you.
rough edges, smooth bodies
sweet skin, tongue a bit too naughty
broken fingers, dead eyes
small hearts, big and **** lies
if you hold me any closer i might fall again tonight.
you are my queen
queen of you mean the most to me
queen of butterflies and i can't breathe
queen of
"baby, it's not you, it's me."
but you keep coming back again.
stuck on relationships i can't let go and people that hurt me because they "love me the most"
stuck on stone skin that leads to stone walls and i love yous that turn into i hate you all
stuck on you.
i once caught a disease thinking you'd be right for me
and that killed me entirely.
i never met someone that made me puke out my guts
until i discovered not all sweet kisses are healthy or are even made of love
bones coated in sugar, thoughts that scream "don't keep her"
and i think you might be good for me.
if i smiled any wider, my cheeks would bleed
and if you hit me any harder, i think i might get weak in more than just my knees.
you are not the one
for me, and good god, you have no idea how badly i want you to be
you are not made to be loved
by me, and i swear on everything i tried to change these things
but our lungs just don't breathe well together.
stuck on girls that lead to mothers and friends that lead to lovers
stuck on suns that lead to stars and touches that lead to broken hearts
stuck on memories that lead me to you.
i've decided to break all my bad habits
no more biting my nails
no more picking my wounds
no more me falling in love with you
no more you, period.
you are my queen
queen of moving on
queen of doing everything but staying gone
queen of
"i love you, but i feel like you're leading me on"
and i think this is why we make goodbye's
i think this is why my mother cried and prayed to god i never fall in love.
i am made of nothing but memories
my depression is translucent
just like me
but my depression has a voice
louder than i could ever be.
my depression is a character
an excuse
a lifestyle
my depression is a jury that keeps me on trial.
my depression is waning
is chaotic
is afraid
its got parts of me captive that make me feel insane.
my depression is a loose end
a casuality
a bridge that never learned to burn
my depression is a voice in my head that never seems to learn.
my depression is mine
its something i handle alone
its got a mind and a body
but it doesn't carry a soul.
my depression is a fluctuating narrator
the same way i tend to be
my depression is the worst possible version of me
but my depression is not what makes me, me.
tomorrow it will hurt a little bit less
if
zoie marie lynn Sep 2017
if
if a poet falls in love with you,
you can never truly die.
your lips would be spilled out,
along with perfect puckered lies.
there's always something to love,
even as you sleep in a bed deep underground.
everyone will know what you were made of,
even if you're nowhere to be found.
you are the living breathing poem that all poets need to thrive,
so if a poet happens to fall for you,
you can never truly die.
mortal bodies, timeless souls
zoie marie lynn Nov 2017
i gave my heart away to a traveler in ****** shoes,
he had pretty eyes that made up for his pretty lies,
and now i don't know what to do.
i gave my soul away to a girl that said she worked for god,
she had oil in her hair but i didn't really care,
but she wasn't at all what i'd thought.
i gave my dreams to an artist i met down the street,
he knew what buttons to press to make me scream,
and now i'm not so sure that was a good thing.
i fell for a rose i thought was thriving,
but she was wilted, she was dying,
and i left quick as lightning.
i gave my limbs to a walking light beam,
he was made of this steel that tightly wrapped around me,
but these indents in my bones are a little too extreme.
i gave my poetry to the monster under my bed,
she crawled in and promised in the morning we'd be wed,
and now there's no rings but a shadow begging me to turn off the sun instead.
i'm just a moment, so don't let me pass you by
zoie marie lynn May 2018
i’m made of sidewalk cracks and moments i should’ve taken
i’m made of broken rings and the wrong girls i put my trust in.
because i didn’t know what love was until i kissed a girl made of thorns
and i didn’t know what happiness was until fear started sleeping without locking the door.
i’m no where near what the world makes me out to be
what it expects from me
and maybe that’s okay.
i’m made of ****** coffee and the constant pressure of being something else
i'm made of holes in the foundation and girls that kiss me just to watch me melt.
because i didn't know what lust was until i touched skin made of broken glass
and i didn't know what hope was until i fell a little too fast.
my story ends before it even starts
because forever is only real if you look like art
but i look like broken promises in an empty hallway
and maybe that's okay.
and strange what desire will make foolish people do
zoie marie lynn Aug 2018
i can't breathe

you're touching me under the stars with hands that venture too far while the moon smiles at us showing every row of pointy perfect teeth
you're touching me and

i can't breathe

you're holding me in a way too tight hold and way too strong arms wrapped around a place i'm supposed to call home with termites eating away underneath
you're holding me and

i can't breathe

you're kissing me with lips of nicotine and breath like fire embers and words of forever and tongue that's sloppy and serene
you're kissing me and

i can't breathe

you're following me in between buildings that shouldn't be this close together and its another dead end another dead end another dead end, why does the sidewalk get to leave?
you're following me and

i can't breathe

you're whispering to me because this is what lovers do, you scream this is what lovers do but i don't want to love you and my lungs ache for you to let me be
you're whispering to me and

i can't breathe

you're laying next to me snoring very loudly so that the neighbors can't hear the sheets suffocate me and i'm dying i'm crying i'm dying
you're laying next to me and

i can't breathe

you’re saying you love me and you’re pulling me so tightly into that lovely body built from forever's and never’s and i’m screaming in your perfect little ears over and over because didn’t you hear me?

i said i can’t breathe
i don't love you but my mouth says it anyway
i am a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in.
& you ask me, "what do you really know about this?
about love?
about bliss?" & i say that i
i know how your eyes look in the moonlight when you’re watching me as i sleep
i know that i belong with you & you belong with me
it’s not science, only the truth
but, my love, what if i want to belong to more than just you?
i feel like i’m only here because you created me
& like if you didn’t, i’d still be that broken little girl i used to be
but me & that old girl, we’re not even that far apart, you know?
we bleed the same, feel the same, we even cry the same
so how am i not her? how is she not me?
& you shush me & say that i
i am nothing but a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize that i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in
but i want to
but i want to.
find me.
zoie marie lynn Nov 2017
what's the proper etiquette for falling in love?
is it hushing lips and tripping over lungs?
is it squinting eyes and falling falling falling in mud?
because here we go down and down again,
but everyone's doing it, My Lovely Flowery Friend.
if i dive in between your legs,
and find other bodies there,
does that mean i should run in toxic fear?
are we supposed to dry out from licking up all these tears?
if i fall into your arms,
while they were open for someone else,
does that mean we're in love?
are we supposed to spit on the floor and call it ***?
you said you've done this before,
you said it would be fun,
but when you've got me trying to wring my head dry,
of all my pretty girl lies,
i become less and less sure if this is love.
tell me, please tell me,
is this proper etiquette?
should i be building mountains out of my bones so you can touch the moon?
should i constantly carry around these pillows in case someone else makes you swoon?
i don't know what i'm doing,
but you say you do,
so i guess i'll bury my heart so it doesn't get broken by you you you.
there's this tune i found that makes me think of you somehow
zoie marie lynn Aug 2018
i hope no one can see the taste of your tongue on my lips
drenched in my skin
admitting where i've been
i hope no one notices your perfume that i wave like a white flag
"its complicated," i tell them
because i cannot fall for you again.
but i want to,
god i want to,
i want to showcase each tattoo you've left on my heart
no matter how big
no matter how small
but your galaxies are not mine to get lost in
your promises not mine to believe in
your words not mine to soak in
but i want them to be.
i hope no one can smell the ink that coats my body after spending short moments in alleys
doing things that lovers are supposed to do
even though i am not the arms you're falling asleep to
i hope no one can hear my heart race as i realize
this is not your first time breaking me this way
nor your last
and i know i should pull away
and i know i shouldn't melt this way
and i know that before falling for you, there's probably things i should do
to prevent the outcome, you know
but i don't
i dig my hands into your hair
into your skin
my lips into your lips
and i die and cry and die
i know this is suicide
so what's my master plan?
hoping no one can sense me falling for you again.
you  never realize how much you love someone until you watch them love someone else.
zoie marie lynn Mar 2018
being *** won’t save me from touches i didn’t ask for,
because that’s what they are,
touches i didn’t ask for.
and you still punch me lightly in the arm,
like we’re fooling around, like you didn’t do anything wrong.
but i don’t like it like that,
i never have.
it feels so much worse when it’s forced,
or even when they're simple touches that the eye can barely see,
the alarms fire through my body at different speeds,
it’s absolutely riveting.
i'm learning the difference between want and need,
and i think when it all comes down to it,
you never even wanted me.
my eyes are up here,
not scattered in the crevices folded in my skin,
my eyes are up here,
but you don't care because you're wearing my favorite lopsided grin.
i believe in individuals having a right to their own consent,
and no offense, but you're not my romeo and i'm not your juliet.
liking the same *** won't save you from touches you didn't ask for,
because that's what they were,
touches you didn't ask for.
i think you can tell i haven't been doing so well
zoie marie lynn Oct 2017
my poetry is mine again
no longer influenced by you
no longer influenced by what you do.
and i can say that because you will no longer see,
the words i love you typed across your screen.
and i can say that because you will no longer feel,
the agony, the pain, the scars that were real.
because you left,
it's possible to feel.
because you left,
nothing seems real.
we'll never be just friends,
but that's okay because my poetry is mine again.
Everything has always been about her, silly me to think that would change just because she walked away.
zoie marie lynn Jan 2018
i told my therapist about you,
while your lips were still slathered alllll over my body.
i showed her the places we had been,
and all the things we had seen.
i told her what lies underneath that pretty
                                              pretty
skin of yours,
and i told her how i knew.
i spelt out your name as she scribbled it on her cute little clipboard,
i told her about the   first     night
and the      second
and the   fourth
and that time in the closet.
i told her everything,
i really just wanted to   get
                                                  you
                                      out  
of my brain,
it didn't matter if saying these things put me in  sososo  much pain.
because you've  moved   on  so why can't i?
i told my therapist about you,
but i still can't tell you
                                           goodbye.  
i know i'm  s t u p i d,
for holding on this l
                               o
                                n
                             ­    g,
i know it's useless,
for wishing you weren't                              gone.
but my words carry on like a heartbeat
s     l      o      w
steady
                          fast
u   s   e   d
  n    t   a   y
i   keep   keep   keep  breaking and breaking and breaking and
i told my therapist about you.
i think part of the reason why we hold onto something so tight is because we fear something that great will never ever happen twice

****
i was in so much pain when i wrote this, my lover had just left with two years of my life and i felt so so so alone. i chewed through therapists constantly, they left me behind because i was too broken to fix. i hated them all. but there was this one, this one singular human being that listened to me. she didn't flinch, she didn't look at me like i was a broken puppy left for death. she just listened. i was all over the place, but i managed to lay out my entire mind for her to dissect. and she did. she helped me so so much, and i could never repay her enough for how she has helped me. when i got home, i wrote the basics of this. it was like 12:30 when i wrote it and i couldn't sleep the next night so i decided to make this look exactly how i felt when i wrote it the night before. how my lover made me feel for so long. so i did. i was crying mountains, i was hyperventilating, i threw my phone through the wall. i put all my anger, blood, tears in each letter, each space. i put it all in there and then posted it a couple weeks later. i didn't show anyone. i just put it out there, hoping my lover would see it. but it didn't even matter cause when i woke up, the whole world saw it instead. thank you. i love you all.
zoie marie lynn May 2018
and i don't even know if i want to kiss your lips or just your skin
because i'm
     falling
       falling
         falling
           falling
         falling
       falling
     falling
but i don't want to hit the ground again.
are you sure your arms can hold the weight of my love when it's wrapped in wet clothes?
and are you sure it's the best idea to take this where the wind goes?
i'm not yet sure if love is a real thing
it's just a
   beautiful
  fictional
deadly
play,
and you still kiss me like i'm sane
but i know it's all just another game
so don't be surprised if i refuse to participate.
and you're like a
         cynical
           patronizing
             inconsiderate
           impartial
         callous
song,
but your vicious words still gently drag me along.
and i'm not sure if you're really toxic
or it's just all in my head.
because
i love you
love you
ove you
ve you
e you
you
ou
u
or maybe i love when you're in my bed.
there's a difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you
i haven't figured it out yet though
i don't have the strength in me
to convince you to stay
so if you really want to go, go
i don't care either way.
accept that your heart will break and trust that you will survive
the first one was cocky and curly
brown eyes, strong jaw
a basketball boy who broke not only hearts
but laws.
i kissed him to forget my troubles
i kissed him to forget
i gave my all to him
even though i was not his to give
by the end of the year
he sat in the snow, crying, alone
i told him its not fun anymore, its time for me to go
i stood beside him, wanting to leave
needing to stay
i knew we'd meet again but back then? he was nothing to me.

the second one came in like a missle
i didn't have time to react
he was confident and smart
i'd always admired that
he held my hand and looked at me with greed
he ran to my house at night and in need
i spent so long saving him, i forgot to take a breath
so i left him with a note telling him how i'd never love again
at the time, i was lying, but things haven't felt the same since.

third came a girl with danger dripping in her eyes
mistakes tangled in her hair
she was alive and carefree, so i never saw her despair
i looked at her through rose colored lenses, she was perfect
she was mine
i didn't believe what others had said, even when i started seeing the truth with my own eyes
she wasn't loyal and she wasn't kind, my head had made it all up
it was hardest to leave this one,
'cause i never actually meant to fall in love.

the last girl was dark sunshine
her eyes were so grey
so blue
i felt the years on her shoulders, the world she constantly held up
the entity in her eyes trying to escape the past she knew
i wanted to make life easier for her
i taught her love, unknowing that i was only teaching her to love me
so when our time was up
on the 17th, she asked to date, you see
yes, i said out loud
no, i said in my head
i broke up with her three days later
its not my fault, to me, romance is dead.

what i gave to love you all
what i gave to break your hearts
but i had to do it
i'm a poet, i simply wouldn't survive if i was ripped apart.
the truth is inside me, i'm learning how to let it out.
zoie marie lynn Dec 2017
i'm broken and you're stolen,
so who do i run to?
you're not here for me,
you're not even here for you.
it used to be just you and i,
in the pulsing headlights,
but really it's just you just you,
and i'm doing anything just to stay alive.
do you see how this goes?
don't you know i treated you like a prose?
your rank was so high in the depths of my mind,
but you blew it all away,
crashing the crown with the times.
now i'm picking up the pieces,
and my kingdom says i'm blind,
but, my lovely lavender queen,
your punches are so kind.
i'm letting you go and you're doing the same,
but it hurts so much more when you pull me in again.
forever lasts a lifetime, right?
wrong, you whisper as you put up a fight,
to keep me to beat me to beg me to stay,
ahh, yes,
the presbyopia of love is leading us astray.
these messy verses are for you, i wrote it down so it must be true
zoie marie lynn Sep 2018
what do you see when you look at me with eyes full of love and mouth full of disgust and skin full of distrust
what do you see?
i want to drown in every goodbadhurtfulsweet
thought you’ve ever had of me
i’ve been told that my skin in the perfect color
“i’ve never seen eyes that shade of brown”
“such pretty girls shouldn’t frown”
is that really all you like?

i’m not here for you
i’m not even really here for me
and i’m trying to heal from monsters you don’t know about
demons you can’t see
hiding behind giggles and the smiles you plaster onto me
this is what i’m supposed to be like
petite waist
luscious thighs
this is what people like you like

i don’t want to be me anymore
there’s this thing called hypervigilance  
the persistent feeling of being under threat
and i’m drowning
i’m drowning in my skin and my lungs want to breathe but
they don’t deserve to
it feels like there’s stone hands wrapped around my throat
my hands, your hands, the first boy i ever loved has his hands
even tighter
this pain is everlasting
i want to let go

i suppose i should thank you now
the person looking back at me
disgustingly brown eyes
deceiving lips  
“i’m broken”
i scream it to myself
“broken”
louder
“broke”
i say it until i bleed from anger
“ok”
these words are all the same
rhymes no different from the last
but this is me now
this is me when my bones are made of glass

i feel like i could break if you slapped me any harder
but these are my hands getting *****
my hands that can’t stop turning skin colors
that it was never meant to be
i’m a canvas but my body doesn’t agree with me
what do you see?
am i an hourglass
am i perfect yet
am i everything you need
everything i need
what do you see when you look at me?
do you still love me? i am dying to know
zoie marie lynn Apr 2018
heart shaped kisses
really miss my mistress.
drowning in a sea of loneliness i call my home
might be better than sitting on a plastic throne.
but if she's here too then that's perfect for me
because she's one of a kind- extraordinary.
i imagine she kisses like a rattlesnake
addicting and deadly but i don't think she's the type to compensate.
i'd never make her do such a thing
only mostly for the fear that she’d never act the same.
because when she hangs over my hips tighter than my belt
i get the most intense feelings i've ever felt.
i’m starting to think she’s engraved in my bones
and if she leaves i’ll have to go with her because i have to go wherever my collagen goes.
i imagine she cries the way stars fall from the sky
beautifully and mesmerizing when they speed down her chin and make you want to die die die.
she tends to bring the end to make the beginning more livid
god i love her
heart shaped kisses
i just really really really miss my mistress.
there's an ocean inside of me, put your ear against my chest and listen, it rages for you.
zoie marie lynn Jul 2018
loving you is more like a void inside my chest
and less like the sweet musings you have put to rest.
leaving you is more like a present i did not know i would like
and less like the tears i try to fight.

i did not know letting you go was going to be good for me
or that letting you in was going to be bad
in the moment, leaving you behind seemed like the worst thing to me
but like vines the idea grew on me
until you were no longer the one thing i believed i would always need.
kissing you was fatal
i did it too often
touching you was okay though
although my lungs still screamed caution.
i gave you up when i realized i was fully capable of doing so
i gave you up when i realized you would not even try to fight
for me for me for you for us for me
and probably the best thing i have ever done for myself
is let you go before you dragged me with you on your fairy ride to hell.

loving me is more like a void inside your chest
and less like the sweet musings i have put to rest.
leaving me is more like a present you did not know you would like
and less like the tears you try to fight.
i wish you could be replaced as easily as you replaced me
zoie marie lynn Aug 2018
hi my name is broken and
i once caught my father using all his teeth hands lip and tongue on a woman that was not his own
outside my bedroom window,
i spent the night trying to convince myself that
love is real love is real love is real
because after that i wasn’t ever really sure.

hi my name is survivor and
i was once a punching bag for my stepfathers anger and houses in the country will forever terrify me
all because of a random man and his prying fingers and his sticky gum,
and then there’s this third set of bones and dark flesh that made me so afraid of my own skin i had to tell myself
i am beautiful i am beautiful i am beautiful
because hate and death wasn’t my only option.

hi my name is butterfly and
i once broke every bone in my body falling so hard for a girl with the loveliest voice i’ve ever heard but she had other bodies underneath her
thick brown belt
she wouldn’t let herself feel all the things i felt,
i spent thanksgiving in a mental hospital chanting over and over
i am lovable i am lovable i am lovable
because without even trying, she had managed to convince me that i wasn’t.

hi my name is destroyer and
i chose water over blood because blood burned and drowned and buried me ten feet down all at the same time and i didn’t want to die because of them
anymore
i split in half all the walls and windows and doors to my home,
i needed to do and be what was best for me so i told myself again and again
i’m not alone i’m not alone i’m not alone
because all i felt was the aftermath of being the very thing that broke up my home.

hi my name is lover and
i tend to give too much of me way too quickly because i don't fall in love, i dive with feet facing the sky, head towards the concrete
and i wonder how i end up being so broken and incomplete
so i wound up all the glue and all the tape,
i muttered over and over in between each breath
fate isn't fake fate isn't fake fate isn't fake
because my heart always seemed to pound a few beats behind, a few beats too late.

hi my name is suicide and
i stepped in front of trains and bullets and knives and i hate yous and you’re nothings all looking for a father that
never really wanted me
he broke my throne, i cut more than just my hair, i no longer want to be here,
and i screamed at the top of my lungs because
it’s worth it it’s worth it it’s worth it
it just doesn’t feel like it anymore.
it's been such a long time, i don't feel the same.
my skin is in pieces and i don’t know how to breathe
it’s all my fault he came after you instead of me
i deserve your pain
i deserve your life
you can have my girl, i will eat your lies.
but i can’t stop falling apart at the thought of you so far
and it’s killing me.
how did he do it to you?
did he rip off your clothes? was he gentle? was he smooth? did he make any sounds? were you silent too?
i remember not breathing
closing my eyes, praying i was dreaming
i remember waking up in tainted skin, with a body that now belonged to him
did you feel the same way? did you cry after? did you scream? did you die after? the same as me?
i feel like i haven’t been awake since that night i should’ve been asleep
do you hate me because it was you under him and not me?
i begged you to stay the night, i told you i had missed you
that you’re like my sister
that we needed to catch up
i didn’t want to be alone anymore, you were back now
you said
i wouldn’t be alone anymore
you were back now.
but he killed you, he ripped you open and let you bleed
and i’m supposed to be there for you
i’m supposed to be who you deserve, who you need.
but i wasn’t
and i’m so so sorry
let me take your memories
let me take your pain
you mean the world to me
please, allow me to take it all away.
no matter how many sorry’s i say, it’ll never take your pain away.
maybe this is my truth, maybe this is my punishment because no matter how badly i wish your pain would dissolve, it just doesn’t.
zoie marie lynn Mar 2018
7:43
and i’m trying to not write your name,
you never appreciated my rhymes
maybe that’s why your name doesn’t rhyme with anything.
7:44
and i’m thinking of someone new,
someone better than you
i swear just one more drink then i’m through.
7:45
and i’m out of my mind,
head over heels for someone who’s not even mine
and once again i’m forced to leave you behind.
7:46
and your name makes me sick,
you’re such a
and i’m beyond over you and your heartless tricks.
7:47
and she makes me feel like i’m in heaven,
thank god you showed me hell
thanks to you my swollen heart's getting well.
7:48
i realize it all now but it’s too late,
you’ve already played your promiscuous game
thankfully she told me she loved me and stayed.

(god, in five minutes so much has changed)
it's a vicious cycle you see...
collecting hearts to mend your own

— The End —