Spring arrived
And I was so heavily jaded that I couldn't hear
the birds' song

Half alive I would delay my exhale by design
As if to delay time, stop something
While my reaction to beauty was being the reverse
From what it's like for most

But they didn't have to be selective as to what
they inhale

Some people, you know, have died from this

I just liked being around
Even if it meant being on edge
Being constantly attacked by my own cells

"Why couldn't you just be like everyone else?"

But allergic to life
And offended by joy
Was the hand you've been dealt

Stepping
In and out
Of what's real

Dream state
Déjà vu
And repetition

And it feels like
I could predict the very near
future if I could focus
Yes, that's what I would have said!
But I was slow

Fading
Tenderly
Leaving traces

Ghostly
Echoing
Tails of mermaids

And it seems their song broke my mind
And I have swum here only to find
That they wanted to drown me

And eat my heart

Some days I wake up in terror
The body would move if only the mind would
Send the signal
Feel safe enough to go on living
Those days I feel a cage in the shape of
My skin
Pushing inwards with so much force
I could become a black hole


Some other days I wake up vivid
Full of life
I can walk, run, lift
Smile
I can answer the phone
I can plan my days ahead
And the only thing getting in my way
Is a pain
In my lower back
That makes it difficult to make things fun
And a confusion
That makes it difficult not to wonder:


"𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦?"

This mind is a lake
Its waters dark and viscous
Thick like honey
It would
require so much strength to reach
the surface
And if you tried
You'd have to be certain
Which way is up
Because
no beam of light could reach in here
to lead you
You won't drown though
This mind is a kind mind
And you're promised to never feel cold
In its waters
It will take care of you
Keep you sane
No waves can attack
Once you've sunk inside
And you will be loved
And you will be home

I too was once little
I had a pet rabbit and a mother
Who thought little of my cooking skills

I had a boy friend
Whom people thought it was cute
That I wanted to kiss

I had a pink pencase
And inside I had a rainbow of pens
And I painted rainbows


But then I grew
And studied physics,
and practiced cooking,
and learned that boys do more than kiss

And I learned nothing,
all that strength building,
and I'm still one of the kids


Looking up to her cooking
Impressed by his hunting
A mind hopping from subject to subject

Admiring role models so cruel and
Wishing
That when I grow up
I'd be just like them

Here ─
In the loquacious silence
Of the white noise in my mind
I knew I wasn't present

My mother was near ─
With her mind withdrawn
Absent to some place
That dated from ages ago

My father would disappear ─
Only to continue being far
Once he was back
Now travelling into the future


And I have gathered a life without
Now
Right
Here

Can't get this page to fill
This pen is bleeding white noise

Creators are made off their failures
And achy finger joints

I'm digging untill my back breaks
Silence I won't accept

I promise
Next time I'll feel the words
I'll write
If they return

The world spins
or I'm the one getting dizzy
It seems
people prefer things
getting worse than staying the same

And the fever of
how funny our situation can get
is trending

And what's with being able to talk to you
when you're unavailable?
Magic I wasn't born into but grew up with
Instantly sending my feelings
without facing you


That makes it easier to do
but also harder to own it

Hard to picture my love
traveling around the orbit


And when the world spins I can look up my symptoms
And hope my words reached
and you deciphered my riddles

I'm either

Grounded
Or burried
Or floating

And the world is either

Unmoving
Or too fast
Or too slow

It either
Ignores
Suffocates
Or points its finger

And I feel either

Nothing
Or too much
Or numb

You used to be bold

Now you just sit there and mourn and you weep
Unfulfilled
Hasn't enough of your time been lost?
Eaten up by mites, clearly mightier than you
And ghosts
Hovering over your shoulder
Greying your eyes and smothering your heart
And for what?
Because of how unlucky you once were?
Or how you refused luck as it felt unknown


I'll say

It's easy to linger in the same halls
Cozy to not have to master
The strength to look up
Up there
Where you haven't been before
You don't know what the weather's like

Scary to think the wind could be stronger
Than your will to survive

My wrist is getting heavy
How long now have I sat here staring?

I was supposed to be reading
And I'm sure to an outsider that's how it must have seemed

Instead,
the open pages were sunbathing
My right pointer holding one as if to turn it

For, possibly, the past hour

Frozen, but time wasn't

And I had wasted some

Something had triggered something
And just like that
My mind was gone

The rays were burning words
Just like words can burn a heart

It surely wasn't the author's fault
It's been happening to me quite a lot

For, possibly, the past thirty years

Μέσα σε όνειρα και σε εφιάλτες
Τόσες ευκαιρίες και πρόσωπα σβησμένα
Βήματα που έγιναν με βάρος και με τόλμη
Και τελικά πήγαν χαμένα

Μέσα στη ζούγκλα ένα άγριο ζώο
Που δε ζητάει ποτέ αυτό που θέλει
Βρες το κάτω από το δέρμα
Σκάψε εντός, κοίτα στον καθρέφτη

Είναι ένα παζλ που του λείπουν κομμάτια
Είναι ένα αίνιγμα που του λείπουν στοιχεία
Μια πόλη στον θόρυβο πνιγμένη
Και ποιος ο λόγος μου να μείνω;

Όπου κι αν δείχνουν τα σημάδια
Όποια κατεύθυνση κι αν δίνουν
Εκείνη─      μισεί εμένα
Και εγώ─    νιώθω το ίδιο