My mind is hindered
Words hard to fathom
How to convey?
Just let the words flow
From pen
To the paper
Connect from the heart
I'll tell you these things, S
I've never felt such as this
For one man,
You
Vulnerable
Yet strong enough
To tell you how I feel
But unsure if you feel the same
Meet my gaze
Feel my touch, my fingertips
Buzzing with electricity
Across the earth to your soul
Static fills our bodies
Embrace the energy we create
Light from within
Will guide us
To a place
Just for us
And us alone

The hardest part is letting you walk out the door
Back to your life
That I know hurts you
That I know exhausts you
That consumes you

I want to be there for you
To take away the hurt
I want you to be yourself again
To be happy
To be free
To say and do what makes you content
Without regret

I adore touching you
Kissing you
Loving you
The taste of your lips on mine
The touch of your tongue on mine
Every caress carves with such intensity
Sometimes too unbearable
Because I want this so much
With you
Your touches
Your closeness
Your warmth
Makes me whole again

I will wait for you
My door remains open
I will let you in

How do I feel now?
Now that you are gone?
Not gone from my life
But only at the end of a phone?

A few words written
A few at a time
A few days at a time

I can't touch you
I can't taste you
I can't kiss you

I love to do all these things
I know you love them too

I long to hold you
To stroke your face
Kiss your neck

Feel your body next to mine
Feel your warmth inside me
Filling me with joy

That I can't explain
Its for us to share
But I want to share this forever

Do you feel the same?

From across the room
I catch a glimpse

You stand tall
Physical yet vulnerable

Longing holds my heart in chains
Remembering times we have spent

Entwined

I feel this each time
I catch a glimpse

Of you

Lets break these chains
My love

Alone
yet also not alone
'It's Complicated'
the statement of choice.

I don't want complicated,
who really does?
But like it or not
that's what this is.

One man,
one man for me
to give my love
I made this choice in you.

One woman,
one woman for you
to give you love.
Make that choice in me.

What we have is something good
so take my hand.
Who knows where this will lead
but I want to follow.

Tinder boys
With your head up high
Your camera down low
Us girls
Don't always
Want that
You know?

Last night was spent
for the briefest of hours
held in your arms
Exquisite movements
filled with breathless longing
made in unison
Until the inevitable time
which always brings dread
I wish you could stay
I'm not sure you know how much
I yearn for your embrace
each night
We could soothe each other to sleep
and the darkness which surrounds us
would no longer keep us awake

the most dangerous
drug of them all

This, this, just ******* this
whatever the **** this is
In my head
Its running round in circles
Leading me a merry dance
stamping all over me
Cutting slices to my core
and i can't defend myself from the attacks
because there's nothing physical to push away
its noxious and suffocating
and maybe its just better if I let it take me down
but it surrounds and smothers me just the same
why can't I fight it
I'm so tired and ashamed that its stronger than me
whatever this headfuck is
a grown woman
I should be strong
not right now I'm not
but maybe tomorrow
but I know I'll get headfucked again at some point
and I'll be as defenseless as I always am
******* headfuck

We met one night
Unaware at the time
Preoccupied with lives
Unhappy and unknown

Time has passed
Feelings grown stronger
Our bodies willing
But time denies

Hope gets stronger
Each time we meet
We'll be preoccupied
With only each other
Happy and known

I'd rather give you
real ones
and real kisses
and real love

We could make it real
one day

Love
It’s a curious thing
Wanted so much but wasted when you have it
If you have already it don’t waste it
Embrace it, cherish it but learn to let go if it’s no longer firing your soul.

That’s the hardest thing about love, the letting go

You can’t replace the love you once had but you can learn to make a new one

Each will be different
Each love will make you feel totally different
Learn to love a new love, accept it for what it is and how it makes you feel

Love
It’s a curious thing

I have too much on my mind don't I?
Feel too much honesty too soon
Too soon for you?
Possibly
I apologise

I apologise my way through life, always
Its just how it always is
Has always been
But I won't apologise about my feelings for you
I can't
I won't

You make me feel this way
You must own that
I own it, I own my feelings now
I'm not afraid if people know
(about us)
But its not the right time
Just now
I know this

And that is what's so hard
Having to contain everything I feel
Just like a ball in the palm of my hands
I'm so afraid if I let go
I'll never get to hold it again
It will roll too far away
Out of reach

And Someone else will pick it up
Take it for their own
I'm not good with sharing
I don't want to share
Not you anyway

Words should come easily, but they don't
Only when something takes hold of me do the words flow
I need to be fired up for
my emotions to flood out
In this case its writing
Words
like this
Never before is this something I have felt the need to do
so I thank you for setting off this new discovery in me
A liberating time
I can let go
Without remorse
Regret or
false hope
I can write from within and be free to do so
And all this stems from you
The way you make me feel
I owe this very instant to you
To my discovery of self
and the discovery of life I want to make with you
There is so much we can discover
for ourselves
It's just a question of whether or not we allow this to happen
There is the possibility that this could all end tomorrow
I have to accept this
I try not to think this way but it jars all the same
If only I could read you each day
What your thoughts are
I could be a shoulder to rest on
warm skin to touch
Lips to kiss
A body to share
But I can't do this just yet, not yet for the long game
I hope that within this life we can make a space in the world
just the two of us at peace with each other
Make a new life of hope, to take on the future and leave the past behind
Just say the words S......

Poetry...

Because it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist

And no one sees the tears fall

My head is heavy
Falling back into
the dark place
that I hoped
would never exist again

But it's always been there
A home from home
Offering a warm embrace
A place that welcomes
with no judgement

A place with no ending
no starting point
No acceptance of mistakes
That are created in this journey

No paths visible
No light that guides
the way
An eternal nothingness
behind closed eyes
There is no escape

No calls reach out
No voice can reach in
no hands to take hold
Not even to push away

No expectations
to be nothing more than yourself
No confusion

So I lean back further
Falling freely
Hoping the ground doesn't take long
To rise up
take the weight on all sides
I don't want to fall
anymore

I had a sudden memory of us together
while I was walking home today
I had to laugh a little
And wondered if my face
Gave the game away
Conveyed my thoughts
At the smirk across my face
Lips curled at the corners, the ones
You’ve kissed
So delicately
So passionately
It was so vivid, felt like you were there
Then I remembered I needed to go shopping later!
**** reality for shoving it’s **** in my face!

I am in love with a man
That man is you S
I want the world to know
The time will surely come

Time is precious, this I know
And I want to make
the most of every moment with you
All of you

You tantlise my soul
Ignite a fire in me
Radiate within me
And light our worlds up

For I am yours
eternally
If this is your wish
I feel your desire too

Too many miles separate us
Likewise too many days
Lets take a journey
for always

For

me

A person
who feels the same
feels the same
intense fire
in their soul as I do?
A person that needs the fire
as much as me?

You

Always you

You
Keep the fire distant
Till it almost dies out
But glows
in the dark

Gently

Together

we force life from our lips
Breaths entwined
Rise the fire from the earth
As we stand
Together

But

alone

Its the worst feeling right in the lowest pit of my stomach missing you like this. Too many days pass without you, but my mind is engulfed by you, every moment of every day. The eternal void I constantly dread, that one that longing commands. Dates pencilled in when you come to town seem so far away, yet move ever closer and each day is more tangible than the last but so much further than the next. Our time is fleeting yet all encompassing but one blink and its gone. I wish tonight you were here next to me, just like I imagine every night. A cuddle, a kiss, a smile as we drift off to sleep. Internal landscapes we walk together. And upon waking in the glint of dawns first light, we share the day's first kiss. Fingers wander, tantalized by our warm flesh and pull each other close, hold on tightly never wanting to let go. And maybe I'll hold on too tightly and not let go. But that time will make itself known, when our bodies have to let go. I'll have to let you go again. I'll wait for the days to pass, moments which turn to hours, hours to days, days to weeks. So slowly they will pass. But my heart will beat just a little faster, a little stronger when I hear your voice and I know it won't be long S, until we can be together again.

The wait is agony
Yet ecstasy too
Just knowing that soon
We will be together
Alone
Holding on to feelings
That are so strong
That I want to share
Let me in
Let me feel
What you feel
I will give you mine
When you are ready
I will wait
In agony
For ecstasy

The road you take - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - every day - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - never - - - - - seems to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - end - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  but I remain - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - still - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -caught in a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  jam and going - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - nowhere - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - All roads lead- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - somewhere- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -The destination only- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ours to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -decide . . . .  .  .  .   .    .   .

My heart is alight
By the words spoken
From your mouth
Tantalising my being
I feel hope
That I was never wrong
And you feel
The same way I feel

Songs of love
Songs of longing
Listening to the words
Which tie me in knots
How do they do that to me?
Tap into my thoughts?
My feelings?
My heart?
I need to purge
All the emptiness within
Unleash the sorrow for now
Once again
And each time you leave

You’re
in my head
Still

You
never left
though

Yet
you are never
here

I
Begin to see
Clearly

Yet
Still I
Seek

Never have I wanted someone so much
Never have I felt so alone
This is all I know right now
And it’s everything I don’t want to feel

Help me through this mess
These tangled thoughts
Black ink
On white paper

I'm missing you so much tonight S, the memories from yesterday
dance behind my eyes, are locked in my mind, the way you kissed my lips, nuzzled the nape of my neck, traced the curves of my ******* and my body with your tongue setting off a tremor inside
When our bodies are joined it leaves me breathless. I'm addicted
to you . Its the only word that describes this feeling inside and just like all the other times my mind and body are never at peace until
I give it chance. So right now, I'll give it chance to explore those feelings again, alone. Close my eyes, take myself back to
our union, breathless and hungry for each other. Body to body, never wanting those moments to end. What a sight to behold. How you loved me, how I loved you how we became one with each other
It was beautiful. And I will always remember each moment shared. I never want this to end, loving you, wanting you
I want this forever and I hope you do too S

You take away the pain
Of every hurt I feel
Consuming my mind
Looking to heal

The outlook is blind
Future dark
Present does not exist
Makes me tired

I try yes I do
To right the wrongs
But always reminded
That I can’t compete

You, you are elevated
I look up and see
Yet here below
I admit defeat

Thoughts of you
Memories of us

Come and go
Take over my being

Engulf my body
The pain is constant

When I am alone
Without you

As this wind blows around me
I find myself standing cold
I wait for you
without a coat
because I know this storm
will pass
and you will bring the sun
to keep me warm.

I'm angry
But I relieve him again
Its my weapon
He's at my mercy
And I feel good

Love

         Loss

               Life

                      Learning...

                        ­              still learning

Together again
truly happy
I smile
Your face illuminated

Our bodies know
That time will run out
soon
Furious intensity of
potent love
sates each others passion

The night disappearing
towards dawn
we slip into sleep
exhausted

Black is my world
Black contains me

White is the universe
White, far from my reach

Grey is the void
Grey waits to be filled

So why bother wading through diluted water
to only half wet your feet
when all you want is to be
submerged